Don't bother looking for closure guys... - pure hate in response to my apology.

[delusionalxox]

I have (stupidly I know) been looking for closure with the ex who abused and abandoned me so horribly over  the summer. The details are brutal, like so many of your stories, and all over the board.

I reckon I'm a forgiving type. I could never have gone back to him and I told  him this. Despite this he pursued me up until Christmas in both sexual and romantic terms but I refused to see him as I told him it would reopen old wounds. I said I would consider being friends as he would always be special to me and I had loved him so much.

As part of his wooing me back he sent me some money for a week in which he came back to the UK at my expense (as usual). He had at that point already started up with my replacement. He was vile to me all week culminating in a row where I was so distressed I started to harm myself, which is unheard of except when he is around me  . Apparently at that point he decided it was not going to work out with us (he didn't tell me this) and that he might as well take up with her. So he moved in with her. He kept sexting and emailing me until he abruptly dumped me- I later found out, at the exact point where he moved in with her.

I received over the last few months a bizarre medley of begging, apologies (without much detail), justifications, blame, hatred and attempts at seduction. I should have cut him dead many times but I was attached to this stupid idea of mutual forgiveness and friendship. My own response was not exactly sane either, I kept the old rows, accusations and drama going myself.    

i sent him a tearful skype message to this effect a few days ago saying I couldn't come back to him but I would always have feelings for him etc and if I could be his friend and help him etc he had only to tell me. He immediately deleted me from skype! I asked him several times why.

This was the response, and it's a real doozy:

Dear delusionalxox,

I seriously have things to attend: I am trying to build a postdoc by myself with very little support and I have deadlines (if it would not be for x's (supervisor's) psychological support in the time he dedicates me, i d feel completely lost); my tenant decided to leave me in the  in her own terms (how much is less than too little money to you?) ; a number of other issues which I cannot avoid caring of anyway.

There would be so much to say about you and us in general. The amount of energies I poured into both drained me for years while you destroyed my self esteem among a number of issues which I inherited from your abuses. at the end i have been left for a final dump, after months of begging you, with old and new damages and extremely bad abuses not only in words but behaviours as well, which did further damage to my already complicated and difficult life, and further increasing the list of issues.

You have a tenure track position and a big monthly check on which get worried about how to deal with payments, assets and arrangements for the present and the future. You found the time and energy to start a new relation (whether it still goes on or not), even while harassing me. I have just my problems and zero money which I am alone to take care. At least I have solved what you considered my debts towards you, offered to me in the form of a sympathetic discount from you.

I am not saying this for anything else than to make you feel serene about the fact that I have been much more than kind and forgiving to you in the past and in the last few days. I wrote you back out of compassion and cos i am an over forgiving person but I cannot focus on anything else than the issues I mentioned. Are you going to help ME in any big or little way? I don't need a listening ear or some loans.You ask me why I don't reply? I have true problems. I don't need more. If you cannot help then wait that I find the time to even dare thinking about giving you some sort of answer, after all you have done, including threats to such an already difficult life.'

That's got the lot really hasn't it... . patronising, jealous (of my princely £42k a year academic job which I worked bloody hard for... . he reckons he is too talented to waste time doing the teaching jobs which would help him get a position), entitled (to money back from me... . I supported him financially throughout the whole relationship). Also we have been split since September finally and I had a brief relationship since.

The claim to 'compassion and forgiveness' just made me laugh.

I really see the empty, jealous, angry child now, especially since I broke the sexual addiction by staying away from him.

But there will be no true closure from him. No real forgiveness.

In contrast, my recent short relationship ended in the sweetest nicest way. Human beings don't have to be like this. This isn't love. This isn't friendship.

now I have to deal with why I gave so much of my life to this toxic, bitter child.

Love to all.

x

[seeking balance]

I am sorry you are hurting delusionalxox.

I know this might not look like the closure you were looking for, but it really does indeed look like closure. 

How do you feel about this letter?  Are you able to break down the letter and really see the differences you both have in regards to the relationship?

Hang in there,

SB

[heartandwhole]

delusional,

I'm really sorry that you got that response to your tearful skype message – I would have been so hurt!  There is nothing worse than reaching out and baring your soul and then feeling rejected.  

You seem to have a good handle on your healing, though, and I commend you.  :)iscovering why you gave time and attention to the relationship is such a wise move, and I think it's basically our ticket to freedom – though not an easy road.

Thanks for sharing and please keep us posted of your progress.  

[delusionalxox]

SB why does it look like closure to you?

To me it seems like total distortion. He has withdrawn all his apologies... . the terrible wrongs I did him are all just BS. I looked after him for years and he makes me the villain after cheating on me, stealing from me and dumping me pregnant. It makes me sick.

[delusionalxox]

I suppose the 'closure' for me is I realised I will never, ever submit to any attempted seductions again. I had already conquered the impulse to go running to him. And he really hates me for that, as the letter shows.

[Dog biscuit]

To me it seems like total distortion. He has withdrawn all his apologies... . the terrible wrongs I did him are all just BS. I looked after him for years and he makes me the villain after cheating on me, stealing from me and dumping me pregnant. It makes me sick.

To me it reads like distortion also. Twisting everything around to put the blame on you. But in a way it is closure, because it shows how different and not compatibel both your views about life and the relationship where/are.

Painfull and utterly frustrating delusionalxox! Delete the message or store it somewhere far away and dark untill it wont hurt you anymore.

[delusionalxox]

Dogbiscuit you are quite right there, his list of my terrible crimes is basically not doing enough, not paying enough,  not devoting my entire life to him, not giving up my kids for him... .

He's also asking for money back... . that's what the reference to 'helping him' means. 'NO loans' = pay me!


He is totally hypocritical and totally self justified. I have been painted totally black yet it is him who cheated, lied for months on end (I found him out through facebook, he'd never have admitted it), called me an abuser repeatedly yet begged me to come back to him.

Hmm maybe I do still hate the lying piece of ___. He dumped me pregnant... . and calls me the abuser! And demands help from me! And yet I don't, I just feel empty.

I do feel angry at how he excuses himself for everything. Tosser!

[delusionalxox]

The 'abuse' he talks about is me a. calling him on his lies, exploitation and general BS b. refusing to come back to him. Duh, no woman wants a boyfriend who would dump her and totally ignore when she is pregnant, however handsome and good in bed he is. And no one wants a cheat who lies for months on end, then blames his cheating on the person he cheated on.

He hasn't resolved his debts to me. what he took from me amounts to thousands of pounds. He wanted more and I won't give it, another reason to hate me. The teat dried up.

How exactly can I be responsible for his decision to lie for months and then abandon me?

Bah, i guess I am responsible for everything eh? I was Mummy and I let him down. Ugh.   

I'm in revenge mode atm. Thank god he lives hundreds of miles away or I would have the strong urge to go bang his door down and shout in his face what a w*nker he truly is.

He's threatening to come back and work on my campus. I need to get to a place where I can see him and not have the urge to punch his lights out. LOL

[Dog biscuit]

Bah, i guess I am responsible for everything eh? I was Mummy and I let him down. Ugh

Hang on to your anger for a while, dont act on it, but just feel it, its justified!

You dont want to be someones Mummy in a relationship do you? Relationships are about mutual responsibilitys and care for one another, its not a one way street where he is the taker and you are the giver.

Good sex, or good looks isnt everything in the long run... .

[seeking balance]

SB why does it look like closure to you?

To me it seems like total distortion. He has withdrawn all his apologies... . the terrible wrongs I did him are all just BS. I looked after him for years and he makes me the villain after cheating on me, stealing from me and dumping me pregnant. It makes me sick.

Exactly, the door is closed - he has shown you exactly who he is... . this is indeed closure.

This letter is completely opposite of your REALITY, right?

As such, what else is there to say?  The door couldn't be any more closed... . how can we help you let that door stay closed so you can heal and move on with your life?

[isseeu]

Closure may look very different for each of us.  It depends a lot on where we are with our own personal development (just because we haven't gotten there yet doesn't mean we're not working hard on our own issues), how the relationship ended, what has transpired since, the duration and experiences within our relationship, and a ton of other factors that can't be measured... . they just have to play out in our own way, on our own timeframe.  Getting support here is part of that very personal, very painful and sometimes prolonged process.

For those who have found meaningful closure, congratulations-that's great.  The rest of us are still processing-making headway, but can't quite just close the black and white "game over, end of story" door.  yet

[seeking balance]

For those who have found meaningful closure, congratulations-that's great.  The rest of us are still processing-making headway, but can't quite just close the black and white "game over, end of story" door.  yet

It is certainly a process.  I was reminded of it often when I was struggling here too ... . bpdfamily.com is brutal and hard at times... . there is a point where we do let go... . and it is sad and hard, but it will come when we let it. 

[delusionalxox]

'This letter is completely opposite of your REALITY, right?'

Oh yes SB :D

I wanted mutual forgiveness, to move on on a good final note.I was ready to apologise for what I did wrong regardless of the many truly vile things he did to me, particularly at the end. I would never have brought up the past again. I would indeed have been his friend and tried to help him (but not by sending him money or mothering him, or coming back to him as his 'partner'- the only things he would accept).

He's not capable of that.

End of.

 

[delusionalxox]

I guess as long as I am angry, isseeu, I remain enmeshed in a way.

But the anger has a different quality. An emptiness.

I know it is totally over, I will never hear from him again and now, i don't want to. My fantasy of lasting friendship was just that, a fantasy to try to mitigate the horrible waste of my life on him.

I feel rather cold inside. I guess I have moved on, but not all the way, and regret and shame (at putting up with him, being shallow enough to focus on sex etc and take his nonsense and enable him for so long) are still with me.

I feel extremely lonely and like a sort of older, wiser yet hollow version of myself. This feels like growing up, but into someone unhappy and isolated.

[arn131arn]

Don't want to hijack the thread; but does anyone think that the lack of closure with us is to keep the door open for them to come back in the future?

Just what I am feeling, but would appreciate others' thoughts.

[seeking balance]

'This letter is completely opposite of your REALITY, right?'

Oh yes SB :D

I wanted mutual forgiveness, to move on on a good final note.I was ready to apologise for what I did wrong regardless of the many truly vile things he did to me, particularly at the end. I would never have brought up the past again. I would indeed have been his friend and tried to help him (but not by sending him money or mothering him, or coming back to him as his 'partner'- the only things he would accept).

He's not capable of that.

End of.

 

Bingo - keep this in mind every time you think next time will be different.  It won't, he really is who he is... . the staying board uses an analogy, "trying to get a duck to bark only frustrates us and pisses the duck off".

It's ok, you did your best, you have your closure - let yourself grieve now.

,

SB

[seeking balance]

Don't want to hijack the thread; but does anyone think that the lack of closure with us is to keep the door open for them to come back in the future?

Just what I am feeling, but would appreciate others' thoughts.

start a new thread 

great topic and very worth it's own thread

[winston72]

Hello D... . I well remember your posts from last summer.  His betrayal and abandonment of your during your pregnancy was appalling and beyond comprehension.  The tone of your posts lately emit a calmness and clarity that is delightful to experience, if only via this site.  You are a lovelier version of yourself.

As SB highlighted, you have a stark delineation of your two personalities, your different understandings of the course of your relationship and the way you want to consider each other in the present.  I am not sure how to use the word closure as I think it raises more expectations than it brings clarity.  In this situation, you can see it all for what it is... . now what do you do about it?  

Where I mess up on this issue is I continue to want to shape or create a "better outcome" where my ex and I both feel better about our past and each other.  Yikes!  That is not going to happen!  But, when I am at the moment in time where you are now, my brain goes into overdrive to create some sort of interpretation of events or dynamics between us to enable a happier ending.  "Closure" tends to lead me into having a more balanced, whole, redemptive ending. And, of course, if we could have found that place then we would not be having an ending at all.

So sorry for all the grief this relationship brought you.  So pleased to be a witness to your ongoing transformation.

[seeking balance]

Where I mess up on this issue is I continue to want to shape or create a "better outcome" where my ex and I both feel better about our past and each other.  Yikes!  That is not going to happen!  But, when I am at the moment in time where you are now, my brain goes into overdrive to create some sort of interpretation of events or dynamics between us to enable a happier ending.  "Closure" tends to lead me into having a more balanced, whole, redemptive ending. And, of course, if we could have found that place then we would not be having an ending at all.

Yeah, what Winston said 

Good stuff indeed

[myself]

delusionalxox, sorry to read this. You are grieving the loss of both your fantasy and reality with him. That is a lot for anyone to handle. It is going to take time. As SB said, it's when we let go that it really begins to get better. For me, that moment came when I could no longer live with the ways she twisted everything, doing more to sabotage our r/s than heal it. The nasty letters I received were closure in their way because they woke me up. I saw it for what it was, without idealizing or making excuses. The facts could not be ignored. I changed. You are changing. There are difficult days, but more personal growth now. You'll find your way through this, and be better for it.  

[delusionalxox]

'The tone of your posts lately emit a calmness and clarity that is delightful to experience, if only via this site.  You are a lovelier version of yourself.'

Thankyou Winston72. You helped me a lot in the early days when I was thrashing around because I'd been abandoned. Did you know that I found out in September why he abandoned me? He had moved in with someone else, who he had started a relationship with weeks before. In the meantime he sent various nasty emails accusing ME of infidelity, abuse, etc. (plus a lot of sexual fantasies about threesomes  )

And then he wanted me back, apparently desperately (!) and I won't come back, because he is dangerous, irresponsible, toxic, all the rest.

arn131arn I really do agree re. your point on lack of closure- that even in that nasty message he is somehow angling for me to come back. I think that he is asking  me to 'make it up to him'- send money, beg him to come back to me. He is furious because I offered only friendship and refused sex/romance at last. Even though I did it with as much kindness as I could and emphasised it was for the good of us both.

He left skype open until I left a brief written message after my tearful appeal for forgiveness  ( why bother?) saying I was Ok and functioning and that I would like to be his friend but obviously we could not be together. That seems to have been the trigger. But he didn't block me on skype and still hasn't.

He has also talked continually about coming back to my workplace (where we met and he did  his PhD). There is no need for this at all; there are hundreds of universities in the world, but he has to return to the one where I walk and bump into me on campus? Very, very fishy if you ask me.

[delusionalxox]

actually arn131arn I will start that thread on lack of closure. Thanks for the idea.