Is this what I think it is?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am not sure where to start so i am just going to type.  I would like as many opinions as possible.  I am currently going through a divorce with a woman I have been crazy about for most of my life( 10 years) .  I kicked her out of the house because of her actions that have taken place over the past few years.  I find myself dealing with situations I never thought i would have to.  Here a few of the things I have dealt with.  A big turning point in our marriage was we were in the car one day and show told me she upped our phone bill minutes... I couldn't believe she went through over a 1000 minutes a month. I asked who she was talking to so much and she listed off a bunch of family members. 

Well they don't count cause there were part of you mobile to mobile plan so i did some investigating and as it turned out she has been taking to an old friend of hers who is in prison for murder.  she hasn't spoken with him since she was 15 and now she is 28. He convinced her he was innocent. she was sending thousands of texts during the day and then talking to him in the evening while I am at work.  I did contact the prison to let them know one of there inmates had a phone and his cell was tossed and phone was taken.  She flipped out on me for being upset that she would do this to me behind my back.  I almost think she was more upset with me for finding out then I was with what she did to me.  What really bothers me is her mom knew about this and didn't tell her it was a bad idea.  Both her and her mom take pills for anxiety. My wife takes lorazapram and her mom takes something a bit more powerful which my wife will take once in a while.

After some time went by and things cooled down I decided I am still in love with her and I wanted a home for my kids that included both parents.  It didn't take to long til weird things started to happen again.  She started vanishing on Friday nights  she would get a baby sitter for our 2 kids and then completely abandon contact with me.  She didn't think as her husband I deserved to know she was even going out. we had many fight about the very topic as it happened almost every Friday night. I was perfectly fine with her going out all I wanted was to be in the loop.  She couldnt even send a text or make a phone call saying I am going out be home at midnight.   

I told her it feels and looks like she is having an affair and she flipped out on me again.  She didn't seem to care how much pain I felt or what she was doing to our family.  She simply only seemed to worry about herself.  Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I kicked her out yet again.   We have spent the last 8 months apart and divorce papers have been filed.  She said she wanted to be friends again and things have changed. She worked her way back into my life and my bedroom.  She started to sleep over and things started to go back to the good times.

Then she pulled the disappearing act again.  we had made plans for a Friday night and at about 1pm she completely avoided me yet again.  She had logged into her face book account on my computer and left it open.  I was able to read her messages.  She told me that when she blew me off again on Friday it was because she was sick.  But the time she said she was sleeping and not feeling well she was telling another guy that she is so happy to finally get this divorce and that I am crazy.  He told her to come and visit him at work and she said she would after 8 when she was done with her other friend. 

My heart was absolutely shattered yet again.  I get it if she isn't in love with me anymore and wants a differ life but what I don't get is why mess with my emotions by sleeping over, having sex with me, and telling me she loves me just to tear me apart. I confronted her about it and she flipped out yet again.  She was more upset by me reading her messages then she was by hurting me.  No apologies or nothing. I apologized for reading her messages. 

As a matter of fact she even cut me off from telling my daughters goodnight and sweet dreams for a few days as a punishment it seemed.  (I call every night before bed on the nights I don't have them).  As hurt as I am I feel bad for our kids who saw us together again and got there hopes up at a happy home.  I have told her family numerous times that she needs to get some sort of help but all they seem to do is make excuses for her.  I feel like I am the only one who cares enough to want to do something about it.  what to do, i don't know.  She is not open to the idea of therapy.  She does not think she as an issue. Does this sound like a BPD sort of thing? Am I really the nutty one? 

We are currently not speaking unless it is to pick up and drop off the kids at each others house.  1 thing I do need to mention.  She told me she was rapped as a young teenager.  I know she still has issues with that.   We were wrestling around 1 night in bed have fun laughing and i pinned her down and she started to yell get off me and so I quickly let go and she ran to the bathroom curled up in the corner and started to cry.  I felt so bad and only wanted to help but she didn't want me to get close to her.  I have never been a violent person and safety is something that she has never had to worry about with me.  She said she was sorry for what happened and that it happened cause it give her a flashback.  I told her not to be sorry and that I lover her and I spent the rest of the night cuddled up with her.  I to this day still love her but I know my life has to move forward.  I would still like to find a way to get her help.  She is the mother of my girls and she will always be a part of my life.  I just seem to be the only one who wants to get her help.  what do I do? Is this a BPD thing?

[chadude]

I am not sure where to start so i am just going to type.  I would like as many opinions as possible.  I am currently going through a divorce with a woman I have been crazy about for most of my life( 10 years) .  I kicked her out of the house because of her actions that have taken place over the past few years.  I find myself dealing with situations I never thought i would have to.  Here a few of the things I have dealt with.  A big turning point in our marriage was we were in the car one day and show told me she upped our phone bill minutes... I couldn't believe she went through over a 1000 minutes a month. I asked who she was talking to so much and she listed off a bunch of family members. 

Well they don't count cause there were part of you mobile to mobile plan so i did some investigating and as it turned out she has been taking to an old friend of hers who is in prison for murder.  she hasn't spoken with him since she was 15 and now she is 28. He convinced her he was innocent. she was sending thousands of texts during the day and then talking to him in the evening while I am at work.  I did contact the prison to let them know one of there inmates had a phone and his cell was tossed and phone was taken.  She flipped out on me for being upset that she would do this to me behind my back.  I almost think she was more upset with me for finding out then I was with what she did to me.  What really bothers me is her mom knew about this and didn't tell her it was a bad idea.  Both her and her mom take pills for anxiety. My wife takes lorazapram and her mom takes something a bit more powerful which my wife will take once in a while.

After some time went by and things cooled down I decided I am still in love with her and I wanted a home for my kids that included both parents.  It didn't take to long til weird things started to happen again.  She started vanishing on Friday nights  she would get a baby sitter for our 2 kids and then completely abandon contact with me.  She didn't think as her husband I deserved to know she was even going out. we had many fight about the very topic as it happened almost every Friday night. I was perfectly fine with her going out all I wanted was to be in the loop.  She couldnt even send a text or make a phone call saying I am going out be home at midnight.   

I told her it feels and looks like she is having an affair and she flipped out on me again.  She didn't seem to care how much pain I felt or what she was doing to our family.  She simply only seemed to worry about herself.  Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and I kicked her out yet again.   We have spent the last 8 months apart and divorce papers have been filed.  She said she wanted to be friends again and things have changed. She worked her way back into my life and my bedroom.  She started to sleep over and things started to go back to the good times.

Then she pulled the disappearing act again.  we had made plans for a Friday night and at about 1pm she completely avoided me yet again.  She had logged into her face book account on my computer and left it open.  I was able to read her messages.  She told me that when she blew me off again on Friday it was because she was sick.  But the time she said she was sleeping and not feeling well she was telling another guy that she is so happy to finally get this divorce and that I am crazy.  He told her to come and visit him at work and she said she would after 8 when she was done with her other friend. 

My heart was absolutely shattered yet again.  I get it if she isn't in love with me anymore and wants a differ life but what I don't get is why mess with my emotions by sleeping over, having sex with me, and telling me she loves me just to tear me apart. I confronted her about it and she flipped out yet again.  She was more upset by me reading her messages then she was by hurting me.  No apologies or nothing. I apologized for reading her messages. 

As a matter of fact she even cut me off from telling my daughters goodnight and sweet dreams for a few days as a punishment it seemed.  (I call every night before bed on the nights I don't have them).  As hurt as I am I feel bad for our kids who saw us together again and got there hopes up at a happy home.  I have told her family numerous times that she needs to get some sort of help but all they seem to do is make excuses for her.  I feel like I am the only one who cares enough to want to do something about it.  what to do, i don't know.  She is not open to the idea of therapy.  She does not think she as an issue. Does this sound like a BPD sort of thing? Am I really the nutty one? 

We are currently not speaking unless it is to pick up and drop off the kids at each others house.  1 thing I do need to mention.  She told me she was rapped as a young teenager.  I know she still has issues with that.   We were wrestling around 1 night in bed have fun laughing and i pinned her down and she started to yell get off me and so I quickly let go and she ran to the bathroom curled up in the corner and started to cry.  I felt so bad and only wanted to help but she didn't want me to get close to her.  I have never been a violent person and safety is something that she has never had to worry about with me.  She said she was sorry for what happened and that it happened cause it give her a flashback.  I told her not to be sorry and that I lover her and I spent the rest of the night cuddled up with her.  I to this day still love her but I know my life has to move forward.  I would still like to find a way to get her help.  She is the mother of my girls and she will always be a part of my life.  I just seem to be the only one who wants to get her help.  what do I do? Is this a BPD thing?

[Seneca]

dude, it sure sounds like BPD behavior. let me ask you some questions: does she have problems in her other relationships, or just with you? is she able to function well in other areas of life - socially or at work? does she self harm in any way - obvious forms being cutting, biting, head banging, or the more passive forms - taking drugs, disordered eating, excessive drinking, reckless driving? does she experience rages, rapid mood swings, or give you prolonged silent treatments to punish you?

i am so sorry you have to be here and are dealing with this heartbreak. i am the mama of two gals too, and i understand the fears you may be having for them. just keep doing the best you can for them 

[chadude]

Her other relationships are hard to comment on.  She has kept her friends from me for many years.  I left work early one day to go hangout with her and her friends at the horse track and she flipped for me inviting myself. I thought was weird since I am her husband and we were frequent visitors at the track. It would be nothing out of the ordinary for me to be there.  During our marriage we had a big blow up over one of her girlfriends who was costing us so much money.  He friend was basically taking advantage of her and my wife didn't care. She never cared about our finances and always just expected money to be there.  All I ever asked her to do is just look at the bank account. And it was to much to ask for.   Her friend even went as far as stealing from her and she forgave her right away.   I feel like the only person she has actual problems with is me.  I have never really noticed her hurting herself in any specific way.  She is being treated for anxiety in which she takes a fair amount of pills ( Lorazopram).  When ever I catch her in a lie she freaks out and seems to be more upset with me for catching her then her actually doing something wrong.  There is never an apology unless I say something like " you cant even apologize for your actions"  Then I get a cold hearted one.  She is very passive in an confrontational situation that arises.  She will avoid it or get out of it at all costs. She does have rather quick mood swings.  I feel like she adopts the mood around her. As far as prolonged silence treatment I do get that.  She has gone as far as not letting me speak to my daughter at night before bed. I feel like she knows how to get to me and she does it for what reason I don't know.  And currently when she sees me she looks down or away.  Its weird.  I sent her a text That said "really you cant even look at me" and she simply replied back.  "You wanted me out so I am out."  I have always told her I lover her I simply don't trust her to not hurt me anymore.  I gave her another chance and it lasted less then 2 weeks before she started lying and acting funny. I dont know how she always finds a way to put it on me when she messes up and I get hurt.  I don't know what I should do.  Truth be told.  No matter how much she hurts me I am crazy in love with her.  I personally am going to start seeing someone to help me get through this and get over her. I also was up in the air on if I should talk to our Dr. about all this.  The one who is prescribing her the pills.  He is a family Dr. and never made her see a psychiatrist or anything for the Lorazopram.  He has been just renewing her prescription for years.  She is a very convincing liar as she looks so damn innocent and cute.  He might not think there is much to worry about.  Should I talk to the Dr. about it since everybody else in her family seems to want to ignore the problem and make up lame excuses for her.  I could write a fricken book on stupid stuff her dad has said to me trying to cover up for her.  One more thing.  Her mom seems to suffer the same issues.  Had problems with affairs and depression.  Her mom takes Xanax prescribed my the same Dr. as my Wife.  Any advice at all I would love. Thank you so much for reading and responding.  It means a lot to know somebody heard me.