How to best handle lies to the kids

[Baylor218]

I was having a talk with my 14 yr old daughter the other day and she was telling me about an argument she had with my ex with uBPD.  My ex for some unknown reason told me I'm no longer allowed in the driveway when I pick the kids up.  The driveway is about 60 feet longer and my d was telling my x it made no sense.  My ex then told her that she hid her car and was watching the house one day and she saw me go in her house.  She then came in the house and asked me what I was doing and I ran out the back door.  This obviously never happened. 

I began telling my daughter how none of that ever happened and she was short with me and didn't want to hear my side of the story.  I told her it was important to me that she heard my side and she said she didn't want to because "she didn't want to look at mom and know she was a liar."  She then said "it's so hard when your parents hate each other."

It made me so sad.  I don't hate my x however I do defend myself to the kids when I hear a lie about me.  And I don't want to contaminate my kids relationship with their mom but she does lie a lot.  I don't know if it's best to just let things go or keep addressing the lies.

[overwhelmedandconfused]

Your D is old enough to go to a T and with the help of the T, explain that the uBPDex is suffering from disordered thinking. Either that or get a book on having a parent with issues. This along with supportive and honest dialogue will help her to see that you are being open, honest and letting her make her own decisions. By constantly defending the lies you are putting her in the middle of adult issues and making her "chose sides" for lack of a better term.

I speak from experience of living with a disordered parent (although it was not BPD, I have come to know this disorder because of my H) and being put in the middle of their issues. My father was the healthy one and was open and honest with me without defending and we have a wonderful relationship now. It took some maturity and life experience before I got to that point, but my father is a trusted confidant whereas I view my mother as disordered and while a good listener, I know that her thoughts are often not the best advice.

It is tough and will take time, but by validating her thoughts that you hate each other, inadvertantly, by defending yourself, you are only making things more challenging. It continues the cycle of JADE, with the disordered person, unfortunately with collateral damage. THe best thing you can do is be supportive, caring, and honest in your interactions with her, ie. never let her catch you in a lie (it will only make it harder for her to see you as an honest person), and with some supportive measures you can "win" this without directly denfending yourself.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Baylor218]

Thanks for replying.  I have been trying so hard to do everything right and it stinks when reality hits you and you learn I have been making things worse.  I agree with what you told me and I am going to relax a little and not be so defensive.  They know they can tell me anything and I need to just listen and not worry they may believe her lies.  Thanks again.