Should I restrict "OFF" BPDgf from my Netflix account?

[nowwhatz]

I let my on/off BPD gf use my netflix account.

As of last week we are not dating but are in contact and have seen each other a few times.

She has no phone so we have to text only when she is near wifi... usually only when she is home.

Tonight I was annoyed by her in a text conversation.

To sum it up I told her I got my hair cut today. She asked me if it was a short haircut (she likes my hair longer) and I told her no it not a short haircut etc.  We went back and forth via text about my hair and how she never wants me to cut my hair too short.

I thought this was a good opportunity to tell her I prefer her hair light brown with highlights and not her current platinum blonde (with hair extensioins I paid for).  So I told her I did not like her blonde blonde hair and told her what I liked.

Afer all, we are expressing preferences about each other so why not say what I want to say.

Her reply was basically "if you don't like me then why don't you leave my alone!"

Then she powered off her phone (I know because my next text did not go through to her) or she suddenly blocked me on the app we use to text.

I am supposed to meet her tomorrow morning because she is scheduled to do a job for me. Right now she is watching tv on my netflix account.

Should I disable her access to my netflix account after this behavior?

It seems like she is saying leave me alone but is still watching tv on my netflix account... . not exactly kind behavior.

What do you think?

[MyGreatEscape]

I would definitely stop her access right now.

They can't take ANY opinions, it will be twisted no matter what. And please don't let this GF become anything more if she really has BPD. Good god man, run!

[goldylamont]

uuggghh! hells yeah i disabled all devices from my netflix account then changed my password once i saw some movies in the queue that i knew i hadn't watched. i told her i didn't appreciate it too, i mean if she had asked then maybe, but honestly eff her leaching off me b/c she was broke  seriously? i'm not going to pay for her entertainment while she's cuddling up with some poor sap

[nowwhatz]

Well I haven't restricted her and think I am going to let it be for now. I use it and there is no harm done right now with her using it.  Maybe I am sick but everytime she watches a movie she will see my name on the screen and perhaps think about what she is doing.

So I will let it go as is for a little while longer.

[Turkish]

uuggghh! hells yeah i disabled all devices from my netflix account then changed my password once i saw some movies in the queue that i knew i hadn't watched. i told her i didn't appreciate it too, i mean if she had asked then maybe, but honestly eff her leaching off me b/c she was broke  seriously? i'm not going to pay for her entertainment while she's cuddling up with some poor sap

I  can imagine mine asking this  soon, " for the kids"  it was bad enough seeing the what the burglars  tried to watch on my stolen tablets before I  called and got them bricked ( and changed the password just in case.  it would be romances and inane comedies.  it's $8/ mo.  two trips to Starbucks.

[thicker skin]

It might have been difficult to restrict her if you intend to keep at it, to be fair dude.

In the grand scheme of things, cutting netflix, because she's at home legitimately watching a movie, might have been seen as tit for tat.

When and if it's good and over, place boundaries and sever contact, but don't fight fire with fire.

Hope you're in a good place soon nowwhatz x

[nowwhatz]

It might have been difficult to restrict her if you intend to keep at it, to be fair dude.

In the grand scheme of things, cutting netflix, because she's at home legitimately watching a movie, might have been seen as tit for tat.

When and if it's good and over, place boundaries and sever contact, but don't fight fire with fire.

Hope you're in a good place soon nowwhatz x

Me too... . thanks TS.

It will be interesting to see if she watches any more movies after today when I went to her apt to pick her up for some work for me and she no showed... . so I knocked on her door and her soon to be ex husband came out (she didn't tell him she has been dating with me again)... . that I'm sure will be taken as fire with fire to her... . so I guaranty she is super angry at me right now.

[nowwhatz]

For what it is worth I just logged on to netflix and looks like she has been watching a lot of Dexter today... . up to season 4 episode ten.

I have been replaced by a tv serial killer haha.

Sometimes when you are crying you just have to laugh.

[nowwhatz]

It might have been difficult to restrict her if you intend to keep at it, to be fair dude.

In the grand scheme of things, cutting netflix, because she's at home legitimately watching a movie, might have been seen as tit for tat.

When and if it's good and over, place boundaries and sever contact, but don't fight fire with fire.

Hope you're in a good place soon nowwhatz x

Well I woke up sad and angry.

Right now I want to disable it but I told her in good luck with your life email yesterday that she can watch to distract her from her problems.

If I disable it I would look like a liar.

OTOH I feel like she has won this battle of control.  I have the power to pull the plug and that would get her attention for sure but I said I would not.

Confused and depressed I guess. I will try not to make any hasty decisions. When I pull up netllix to watch something I can see what she is watching and it makes me angry right now.

I don't know if it will ever be good and done and ties severed completely. Maybe never.

[nowwhatz]

well I got some sleep... . feel a bit better.

i created a profile for her so she can log in and I don't have to see what she is watching.

The "deal" is I am letting her use my netflix as a distraction for her until her current criminal proceedings are over, so I think I can manage this for a little while longer.

Stupid stuff.

[goldylamont]

nowwhatz, what specifically are you getting out of this? what concerns me is that you are doing favors for your ex but doubt they will be appreciated or reciprocated. letting her use your netflix account isn't a big deal in the sense it costs nothing extra for you... but if you look at it from a perspective of self control and respect, is this good for you?

you mentioned that your ex has more control now--it's important to note that this person likely always has/had control. you can't win in this game because you're unwilling to play as unfair. since you can never win a control game with BPD, you can take control and remove yourself from the situation. in this way she has no control over you.

would you let a plutonic friend mooch off your netflix account if he/she had treated you the same? perhaps there is something you still want from this woman, and making these concessions make you feel like it may make it easier to bring this about?

[nowwhatz]

nowwhatz, what specifically are you getting out of this? what concerns me is that you are doing favors for your ex but doubt they will be appreciated or reciprocated. letting her use your netflix account isn't a big deal in the sense it costs nothing extra for you... but if you look at it from a perspective of self control and respect, is this good for you?

you mentioned that your ex has more control now--it's important to note that this person likely always has/had control. you can't win in this game because you're unwilling to play as unfair. since you can never win a control game with BPD, you can take control and remove yourself from the situation. in this way she has no control over you.

would you let a plutonic friend mooch off your netflix account if he/she had treated you the same? perhaps there is something you still want from this woman, and making these concessions make you feel like it may make it easier to bring this about?

Right now I am getting nothing out of letting her use my netflix account. I just watched an episode of a BBC crime drama Luther... . very interesting character.

I can see when I log in the BPDgf is in the middle of binge watching Dexter right now.  I could perhaps login to netflix right now change the password and log out of all devices. This would cut her off and I guess put me in control.

My rationale for letting her use it is because I told her she can use it because she needs a distraction. At the end of the month she has to go to court to plead guilty to felony charges, might go to jail (probably will get probation or time in a mental hospital jail) and will almost certainly get deported.  I guess I don't want to break my word but also want to give her some comfort before she has to really face the music... . sort of like a last meal to the person on death row.

If it were a plutonic friend no I probably would not let them mooch off my account. Because I love/loved this person she gets special treatment.

There is something I still want from this woman but I don't believe she is capable of giving me anything except sex. So I am still in some kind of denial.

If I cut off the netflix right now... . at this very moment... . it would make a statement and get her attention. That is for certain.

You make good points and I appreciate it. I have won some control battles with this BPD person but some of my victories have been kamikaze like. She is winning he war.

Thank you.

[nowwhatz]

nowwhatz, what specifically are you getting out of this? what concerns me is that you are doing favors for your ex but doubt they will be appreciated or reciprocated. letting her use your netflix account isn't a big deal in the sense it costs nothing extra for you... but if you look at it from a perspective of self control and respect, is this good for you?

you mentioned that your ex has more control now--it's important to note that this person likely always has/had control. you can't win in this game because you're unwilling to play as unfair. since you can never win a control game with BPD, you can take control and remove yourself from the situation. in this way she has no control over you.

would you let a plutonic friend mooch off your netflix account if he/she had treated you the same? perhaps there is something you still want from this woman, and making these concessions make you feel like it may make it easier to bring this about?

Well goldylamont your post got to me... .

I logged in and changed the pw's on the netflix account right in the middle of her watching season 6 episode 6 of Dexter.



No doubt her evening is ruined and her entertainment options are about nil. I guess she will have to start looking for guys online or go back to cutting herself to pass the time.

Not my problem. Thank you for your wise words.

[goldylamont]

wow! from reading both of your responses it sounds like you had a good handle on why you were doing what you were doing. and sometimes this is enough. i guess what it boils down to is trying to listen for that little voice inside us which tells us what *we* want. and in this case it sounded like a little voice inside you was saying "she doesn't deserve this!", while another part of you wanted to give her a 'last meal' of sorts. really good and interesting to write all this out so we can understand ourselves better. but, sounds like the former voice won out this time! and i think that is a good thing. i think this is good practice. cutting a netflix account access or not is a small thing so a good experiment to do since consequences either way aren't so bad. i totally get that this can be seen by her as some sort of assault--but that same part of you that really wanted to do it is the same part of yourself that will make any reaction you get from her (outright verbal abuse, complete shutoff/silence, passive aggressiveness... ) just not matter so much to you anymore.

p.s. - also wanted to acknowledge how hard it must be to see someone you loved in such a bad position with the law and in life. my ex didn't have as many upfront issues as this; still a lot of things happened to her though and it was tough. on one side i felt vindicated because i could see that she was the source of her issues and i didn't have to believe the crap she said to me or about me to others. on the other hand i was grieving the death of idea of who i hoped this person truly was.

p.s.s. you made a decision. and i applaud you for it. if there's ever any doubt/guilt associated with it then just know that you had every right--spritually/logically/emotionally to make this decision. no shame in that game. 

[nowwhatz]

wow! from reading both of your responses it sounds like you had a good handle on why you were doing what you were doing. and sometimes this is enough. i guess what it boils down to is trying to listen for that little voice inside us which tells us what *we* want. and in this case it sounded like a little voice inside you was saying "she doesn't deserve this!", while another part of you wanted to give her a 'last meal' of sorts. really good and interesting to write all this out so we can understand ourselves better. but, sounds like the former voice won out this time! and i think that is a good thing. i think this is good practice. cutting a netflix account access or not is a small thing so a good experiment to do since consequences either way aren't so bad. i totally get that this can be seen by her as some sort of assault--but that same part of you that really wanted to do it is the same part of yourself that will make any reaction you get from her (outright verbal abuse, complete shutoff/silence, passive aggressiveness... ) just not matter so much to you anymore.

p.s. - also wanted to acknowledge how hard it must be to see someone you loved in such a bad position with the law and in life. my ex didn't have as many upfront issues as this; still a lot of things happened to her though and it was tough. on one side i felt vindicated because i could see that she was the source of her issues and i didn't have to believe the crap she said to me or about me to others. on the other hand i was grieving the death of idea of who i hoped this person truly was.

p.s.s. you made a decision. and i applaud you for it. if there's ever any doubt/guilt associated with it then just know that you had every right--spritually/logically/emotionally to make this decision. no shame in that game. 

Goldylamont,

It wasn't an easy decision and I am already second guessing myself. My biggest inner "conflict" is that I told her she could use it and now I have taken it away. I could argue with myself and say I was under duress when I told her she could use it etc.

During our recycle she expressed a lot of appreciation for what I do for her. I have a very nice text message from her doing that the day before I had had enough (again) and ended it. But words are words and I can honestly say the only nice thing she did for me (outside of sex but that is a two way street) in 4 months was iron my shirt for me in Las Vegas.

No she doesn't deserve access to my netflix account. My gut tells me I dumped her before she was going to dump me.

As far as the legal problem... . thank you for your support and understanding. I am no angel and in some ways her and I seem to deserve each other. But what she has gotten herself into is very serious. I have no doubt if she committed any of the crimes she is accused of her actions are related to her BPD.

The court date is the end of this month. Although there are many reason for me not to go and she does not want me to go I have to go to that court hearing to see what is the outcome and for my own benefit... . to know more what kind of person she really is. I still hang on to what you say is the person I hoped she really was 

The person I hoped she really was is a real person that makes an appearance every now and then to brighten my life and the lives of others... . then like a ghost fades into darkness.

Thank you again. I hope I made the right decision.