How do you approach telling uBPDw what you think is wrong

[dontknowanymore]

I am sure this has been posted many times but how do you talk to your spouse about the fact that she may have BPD?

Heading home from a business trip and realized this week while away that she may have this (99.9% sure)?

Then how do you get her properly diagnosed?

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[Love Is Not Enough]

This is one of those situations where you are damned either way. Do nothing and the situation gets worse. Tell her and then send her into a rage where she will deny it anyway.

I agonized over this for two years and still have not told my gf about BPD. We ended up having a huge fight a couple of months ago where she finally attacked me physically. I used the incident to require her to start therapy if she wanted me to continue in the relationship. I knew what kind of therapy she needed and gave her a name and number to someone who had alot of experience with pwBPD and DBT. Our options here are very limited and my gf had discontinued normal "counseling" before because dredging up the past every week was too painful for her.

So she will have her 3rd DBT session next week and so far it is going well. She said her T diagnosed her with depression, social anxiety and something she couldn't remember. Not sure if it was BPD she "couldn't remember", but it really doesn't matter if they know. My gf likes the therapist and the little bit of work she has done so far with her is helping. I think that is the most important thing. If my gf continues to improve maybe someday she can become self-aware enough to deal directly with the label. I do still worry that either she will see something online or the T will tell her something that will cause her to flip out on me. I have decided that is ok and I will deal with it if it comes up. Luckily my gf has improved alot on her own. I believe I have also helped by how I interact with her by using the tools I've learned on this site. She is triggering much less and less intensely these days.

I also believe I got some things off of my chest during the big blowout fight we had and I have been able to control my triggering comments better. I have been working alot on myself and I am very different around her now. I have set some firm boundaries and I will not tolerate or feed into her dysregulations. Timeouts help when necessary. I am much more confident now and am accepting the situation for what it is. It really is true that you have to change yourself and quit doing the same old things expecting different results.

Every situation is different and this opportunity sort of fell on me. She literally knocked me over and landed on me when she attacked me    But you know your wife and hopefully you can figure out a way to approach it. Mine finally had to admit she had an anger issue after the fight and I framed it as "this T specializes in helping people deal with extreme emotions". My gf started calling it anger management on her own and I left it at that.

I just hope you can figure out a way to get her help without a physical altercation. That really sucked. Good luck and let us know how it goes!  

[dontknowanymore]

Thanks for the info.

I really shy away from the physical stuff (I am extraordinarly strong) though it has been her 'go to' reaction at times.  She freaked out one time and started to smash something of mine and I tried to stop her by holding her hands.  While she was thrashing around she screamed and my son (then 17 came near us and she said I had thrown her.  As we walked back into the house (we were in the garage) she suckerpunched me as hard as she could in the side of the head and hit my ear (lost hearing in it for about a week).  Guess whose fault it was that her hand, wrist and knuckles were sore/bruised?  You got it... . mine... .

One of the primary reasons we don't have any in depth conversations is if I say the wrong thing, or use the wrong word she will flip out therefore everything we talk about is on a very surface level but I don't feel safe talking about any real issues, so bringing up BPD is probably off the books right now.

[Turkish]

Thanks for the info.

I really shy away from the physical stuff (I am extraordinarly strong) though it has been her 'go to' reaction at times.  She freaked out one time and started to smash something of mine and I tried to stop her by holding her hands.  While she was thrashing around she screamed and my son (then 17 came near us and she said I had thrown her.  As we walked back into the house (we were in the garage) she suckerpunched me as hard as she could in the side of the head and hit my ear (lost hearing in it for about a week).  Guess whose fault it was that her hand, wrist and knuckles were sore/bruised?  You got it... . mine... .

One of the primary reasons we don't have any in depth conversations is if I say the wrong thing, or use the wrong word she will flip out therefore everything we talk about is on a very surface level but I don't feel safe talking about any real issues, so bringing up BPD is probably off the books right now.

Hi, bringing that up even with a non-violent spouse or loved one is off the books, as you say, pretty much always. I threw it out at mine once, and it scared the crap out of her. I was triggered she said something about our children that she said later I misunderstood (I may or may not have, that is irrelevant. I shouldn't have done it). Soon after, I came here and learned the "conventional wisdom" is to not tell them. In short, is there any nice way to tell someone you think they are crazy? With you wife's violent outbursts, do you think that will go over well? I sense you are desperate for help, but this is a fine line to walk.

PERSPECTIVES: Telling someone that you think they have BPD

Maybe you can get something from this, since her anger is at such a high level:

How To Manage a BPD Relationship/Reducing Anger Using SET

I don't want to be a pill, but have you started that journal yet? How does you son deal with this as well. Does he see you wife's assaults, and do you talk to him about it?

T.

[dontknowanymore]

Thanks for the tips.  As I am sure you can tell I am grasping at straws trying to make sense of everything.

I have not started a journal but plan to.

I am back at home from business travel and the only interaction I had this time was "I'm not talking to you."

Regarding my son (he is my stepson and is 18) we have never discussed it, she has gone after him as well and I had to split them up (he is a big kid) but once I can understand all of this better (this is so fresh) I will certainly try to speak with him.

[Turkish]

Thanks for the tips.  As I am sure you can tell I am grasping at straws trying to make sense of everything.

I have not started a journal but plan to.

I am back at home from business travel and the only interaction I had this time was "I'm not talking to you."

Regarding my son (he is my stepson and is 18) we have never discussed it, she has gone after him as well and I had to split them up (he is a big kid) but once I can understand all of this better (this is so fresh) I will certainly try to speak with him.

be sure he knows that he is legally am adult now and that he may be treated as " guilty"  from the start if something gets reported.

T

[Tayto]

lets assume that she has BPD, what difference does it make ?

are we all not to be treated equal ?

if your partner has BPD and throws a tantrum, when she calms down and feels safe again like any person then you approach the situation and ask to talk about it.

if she throws a tantrum again, you can simply say

" your not ready to talk about thhis yet,however the next conversation that you and have will be to discuss what happened so we can sort it out together.

you would approach this with any person.

p.s. I myself have BPD

[Mazda]

lets assume that she has BPD, what difference does it make ?

are we all not to be treated equal ?

if your partner has BPD and throws a tantrum, when she calms down and feels safe again like any person then you approach the situation and ask to talk about it.

if she throws a tantrum again, you can simply say

" your not ready to talk about thhis yet,however the next conversation that you and have will be to discuss what happened so we can sort it out together.

you would approach this with any person.

p.s. I myself have BPD

Keezie1, I find your posts very interesting.  I just wanted to ask you some questions, if you don't mind... .

You and your wife seem to be able to control your BPD within your marriage well, how long have you been working on this? Are you getting professional help?  How long has this been going on for?

To be honest, I am now out of a relationship with my undisguised ex fiancé.  He was extremely treatment resistant and all of the techniques you are advocating I have tried with him, to absolutely no avail.  If I didn't entertain his tests he would withdraw or shortly after rage at me or threaten to leave me.  If I tried to talk we would end up in circular arguments.  I couldn't give ultimatums or anything of the sort as then the anise would start.  I am just wondering, probably like most on this site, what was the secret to your success? What caused you to be willing to change? Unfortunately the majority of us are stuck in a futile effort of trying to get our significant others to take these steps, hence the high levels of frustration.

[Tayto]

Mazda, im with my wife for over 13 years, we are married for 3. From the beginning my wife would never allow me to use bad manners and as you know we have some tongue at times.on one occasion I bottled up some stuff that was on my mind for weeks only to explode on her.the next day she rang me and of course I was sick from drink and she said, im gogoing to talk to you about last night to which I said no. Fine she said but, it will be the next thing we speak about so you decide when you want to speak to me.

Anyhow two days later I arrived thinking she would forget about it but no. I simlly got off her" you think your so big with drink on you and dishing out crap to me that was on your mind for weeks but you didn't have the balls to say it unless you got drunk, from today if You have a problem with me say it straight away and be a man that im looking for not some coward that waits until he has drink in him. If you dont speak your mind straight away, I wont be dealing with your petty hit that goes on in your mind now grow a pair off balls and be a man.

needless to say, that put me in my place, but more importantly,  I had found someone strong enough for me. This was not the end as you know with us but I always spoke my mind after that.i dont call my wife names any more, as she does not tolerate it.

she told me one day, when you call me names, look I know at times you cant help it as it comes out quickly and dont worry as I dont believe that I am the names you call me but to others you look like a c★★t not me and that upsets me because I know deep down your not one.

[Tayto]

Mazda, I only found out about this three years ago and it blew me out of the water as I didn't want any part of it.  As you know its  not exactly the nicest traits to have.

So what I done was read up on all the things BPD'S do and got help.

I tackled each aspect one by one and did not stop until I had that part mastered.

it took me three years to rid myself of all the traits but I no longer have them.

[Mazda]

Mazda, I only found out about this three years ago and it blew me out of the water as I didn't want any part of it.  As you know its  not exactly the nicest traits to have.

So what I done was read up on all the things BPD'S do and got help.

I tackled each aspect one by one and did not stop until I had that part mastered.

it took me three years to rid myself of all the traits but I no longer have them.

Congratulations keezie.  I greatly admire you for your effort and also giving us nons your feedback.  After my ex, even though I have such a deep understanding of mental illness and what can and can't be helped, I just am so fearful of BPDers.  It's nice to be reminded that there are some out there who are willing to own and tackle their problems.  Also, your wife sounds amazing. 

[Turkish]

Mazda, im with my wife for over 13 years, we are married for 3. From the beginning my wife would never allow me to use bad manners and as you know we have some tongue at times.on one occasion I bottled up some stuff that was on my mind for weeks only to explode on her.the next day she rang me and of course I was sick from drink and she said, im gogoing to talk to you about last night to which I said no. Fine she said but, it will be the next thing we speak about so you decide when you want to speak to me.

Anyhow two days later I arrived thinking she would forget about it but no. I simlly got off her" you think your so big with drink on you and dishing out crap to me that was on your mind for weeks but you didn't have the balls to say it unless you got drunk, from today if You have a problem with me say it straight away and be a man that im looking for not some coward that waits until he has drink in him. If you dont speak your mind straight away, I wont be dealing with your petty  that goes on in your mind now grow a pair off balls and be a man.

needless to say, that put me in my place, but more importantly,  I had found someone strong enough for me. This was not the end as you know with us but I always spoke my mind after that.i dont call my wife names any more, as she does not tolerate it.

she told me one day, when you call me names, look I know at times you cant help it as it comes out quickly and dont worry as I dont believe that I am the names you call me but to others you look like a c★★t not me and that upsets me because I know deep down your not one.

I guess that's what I fear, but at this point is irrelevant other than dealing as a co-parent: that I wasn't strong enough for her. Sometimes she told me what to do to calm her down, but I shut down due to my FOO, of which she had little appreciation. So yes, I guess I was still channeling my lonely little boy whose mom has depression and had a few BPD traits as well. She said she's looking for someone to "lead and guide her." Maybe she will find that person, maybe not. Now that I understand, I think I could, but the cheating and continued cheating and periodically getting it thrown in my face is a moral matter to me at this point. Game over. I'll be the only father to the only kids she'll ever have, so that dude will have it a LOT easier without having to deal with the stress of being a full time parent with a upwBPD (7/9 traits she finally showed near the end, by my layperson estimation). I know the diagnosis isn;t important for me, just to better engage when her behaviors show up. I think it will be better between us when she is gone and we stop triggering each other, though that is rare, only because I put down the boundary of no talking about our r/s. We've only slipped 4 times in 4 months since I found out about her [ongoing] affair, so that isn't too bad.

[Tayto]

Thanks mazda, I don't like BPD traits on the negitive side as they are right out nasty and could destroy another human. I have seen enough horror with my parents my father being a psychopath and my mother with BPD.

I did not ask for this illness but ill never allow it to ruin my life . I've seen enough to last me a lifetime and now that I'm better I just want to enjoy my wife and baby girl a d spoil them as they deserve it. Its hard work putting up with us nutters  there has to be some payback !

The funny thing is,  now I'm better,  if I had a choice to rid my emotions and have normal emotions,  id stick with my BPD any day of the week.

I really feel pain but I also really feel Love and it hurts my heart the love I feel. I feel sorrow to its extreams but I also feel joy to its fullest.

I feel pain like salt on flesh but I also  feel warmth towards others that fills my heart with compassion.

[waverider]

There is no point pushing a BPD label until that person is at a place wehere they are willing to accept they have issues and are open to constructive ways to tackle.

I eased into it by talking about about how individual issues my partner was having may be potentially linked to deeper issues. eg how various consequences arising from abandonment, or how self loathing lead to a lot of self harm both real and emotional sabotaging. These can be discussed without putting the broader label on it. That can be just too confronting as it is dumping far too much responsibility and blame for dramas onto someone who doesn't deal with responsibility too well.

Putting the label on the table will not fix anything.

My partner spiraled into massive self harm and depression once she accepted the diagnosis., even though her background was long term anxiety,panic disorders with OCD. It was only a change of diagnosis. I imagine it could be worse for someone who thought they were fine.

Strong reinforcement boundaries as keezie1 points out is the most important thing, and actually gains more respect than bending, evening if the immediate reaction seams otherwise. The problem is that someone who has lived under the constant pressures of a pwBPD has often lost the ability to be confident and strong. This has to be relearned before anyone makes any progress.

pwBPD dont just sabotage themselves they can undermine the foundations of the very people who they require to be solid for their own support. Then they both fall in a screaming heap.

Thats why we say work on yourself first and foremost. A pwBPD then gets the choice to either built on your support, or ignore it. It is their choice at the end of the day. This is their first step in learning responsibility.

[elemental]

I fell into a screaming heap two times in as many days.

I am SCARED. The silent treatment, walking out on me, leaving at the drop of a hat. It scares me.

I don't even know what boundry to put here or how to enforce it. It's like he just doesn't care what i do or say or if I am gone.  he will wait weeks to talk. I am so shattered, I am talking myself silly to anyone who will listen.

[Tayto]

If you don't stand up for yourself with a person with BPD, forget about it they will crush you . not once in 13 years has my wife taking crap from me and believe me ive tried to dish it out, when I asked her is she going to leave me she replied" no but you will learn manners and stop looking for the easy way out all the time"

If anyone treats you bad, have respect for yourself and explain that its not okay to talk or treat me like this.