wow what a loaded question

[byfaith]

I get a text from my uBPDw. start text: What if I could NEVER have sex again, would you want to stay married to me? Not a very fair question, huh? You there? I hate sex. it is the cause of most problems end of text.

My text back: when you tell me that you are not in love with me any longer, that' what hurts me but I cant change that. end of my text

her text to me: you avoided the question, what's more important to you, me or sex? end of text;

my text to her: No I didn't avoid the question. you are making it about sex. there are probably a lot of marriages that the couple cannot have sex for one reason or another. If your reason for not wanting to have sex with me is because you are no longer in love with me then I think we should consider what to do. You are more important to me than sex. Why would I want to drive 6 hours to come and see you knowing that there would be no sex? I love you. End of my text.

(We are not separated per say, she has to be away for a while)

her text to me: so please answer the first question I asked you. end of text

my text to her: yes I would want to stay married to you

Did I handle this ok?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tayto]

Hi, in my opinion id say no.

I myself have BPD and we tend to test alot and if you pass this test, you can be sure the next test will be harder and harder until you cant pass the test and then this will confirm that you were always going to leave.

people with BPD are afraid you will leave so they test you all the time,  unfortunately it can ware you down and most times they give up.

Try not to get caught up in games.

id answer that text like this.

hi honey I just got your text and I think we will bring the elephant to the park the next time we meet. If you find this reply a bit strange,  dont worry I found your text a bit strange also !

Under no circumstances do you get into the games as there are no winners.

[byfaith]

thanks. I have a hard time with this kind of thing. If I don't answer then to her that validates what she is thinking. It seems to me its a game either way. If I don't give the clear cut answer, she says I avoided the question. I was giving her a truthful answer. This is really hard. So you having BPD actually are aware of what you are doing when you do this?

Just the other day I finally shared with her the traits she has of this disorder. It took almost two years to get the opportunity. She didnt get mad or upset.

[Tayto]

Of course,  you have to understand,  at some stage in our childhood we felt as if we were abandoned,  I roared crying when my mothed went to work as I felt safe beside her and this could have triggered trauma within me.

like a parent who would not get upset when it leaves a child, just reaffirm to her that your coming back. As far as the tests, if you want it to last you just ignore them if they are childish.

Explain to her that you are not her parents and its unfair to be putting you under pressure although you understand she has a fear that you will leave, tell her you are all I need.

be strong enough to guide the path and bring her along gently

[byfaith]

we seem to be in a situation right now where it SEEMS she is maybe wanting to end our marriage but doing so would upset a lot of people. Can someone with BPD get to a point where they don't fear the abandonment? they would just move on to another circumstance that would cater to their needs. I am getting mixed signals.

[Tayto]

Yes of course, I no longer fear abandonment and although I would never leave my wife I am not stuck in this relationship.

why do you think your wife wants to leave you.

[byfaith]

because she does not feel the same about me as she used to. All the things she idealized concerning me, my kids and how it would all work out wonderfully for her son, it didnt, but im the same person she fell in love with. Her son is the most important person in her life, and whatever it takes to make him happy she will do it. The situation we are in right now where she is away from me, it may look to be a more ideal situation to further the happiness of her son. (Long story) he has a disability but some of it comes from enabling.

I could also be blowing somethings out of proportion, because of my insecurity

the I hate sex thing from her text, well a year ago it was sex almost everyday, mutually enjoyable. but a trigger occurred (I did nothing to be unfaithful to her) She just got something in her mind and nothing has been the same since

[Tayto]

BPD'S are sensitive to what we per sieve as weakness, we are natural predators and can prey on weak people. Try not to be weak around her as it could turn her off you.

[byfaith]

as a BPD what do you consider weakness that you could prey on? I only said insecurity because the situation she is in right now would raise any normal persons "awareness" level.

[Tayto]

For me I cant handle women that I consider weak as it triggers me into a state of fear and brings me back to my childhood when i was abused. I was always on the look out with my wife and if she showed any signs of weakness id leave her to run through it. To my wife she thought I did not care when she was sick, to me I needed to know she could still handle me in a weakened state.

you will know what triggers your wife and this is the key to her weaknesses. As I said if I found my wife weak id pounce with more to see if she could handle it.

[elemental]

Keezie, how did your wife eventually show you that she  is not weak. Presumably since you are still with her, she manned up or something

[elemental]

For me I cant handle women that I consider weak... . To my wife she thought I did not care when she was sick, to me I needed to know she could still handle me in a weakened state.

you will know what triggers your wife and this is the key to her weaknesses. As I said if I found my wife weak id pounce with more to see if she could handle it.

You consciously did this?

[Tayto]

We planned a baby and this put it to bed for me as with all I was this woman was willing to plan a baby to which I'm delighted is here three weeks ago. All my wife went through and even now she does all the night feeds as I cannot get over tired or hungry or my emotions can get the better of me.  I do more cleaninv and cooking and stuff like that as I don't want crap in my head with our daughter because of my condition. We planned it in every detail and its working thank God.

[elemental]

oh, congratulations on your daughter   

[Tayto]

Thanks very much

[waverider]

Cycling discussions need to be nipped in the bud. If you are too wrapped up in validation, it will keep going until you accidentally say something invalidating. By which stage you will be so far away from what you really felt that if it blows up you will be on unsure ground.

Take an example, say abandonment, a pwBPD may be testing you for validation, not that you wont abandon them, but more that their fear of it is valid. They can keep pushing until they hear what they want to. The further you go the more likely it will happen.

If the conversation is making you uncomfortable, say so and disengage.

Learning about validation is good but the real importance is that you learn how not to be invalidating, rather than always trying to validate as an answer to everything.

You are tiptoeing in a minefield at times, the less steps you take the better

Less is more.