Am I a "bully" magnet?

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Hello everyone, I have returned after a very long hiatus, a lot has changed in my life and a lot hasn't. My stepfather is finally out of the picture, but still with my mom. I am so spent at this point. I have tried, I was thinking... . perhaps if I make enough healthy relationships outside of my mother I can survive... . so far most of the people I have made friends with have tried to use me in one way or another, have clinged onto me with an obsession that made me flee, or completely sucked me dry of feeling like a person. I keep falling into relationships with friends that end up with them using me as their "coat rack" leaving me with just emptiness and no feeling of bond.

I also realized, I have an intense fear of pedophiles. I am not a child anymore, but that doesn't stop my fear. I look like one, I don't look like I'm even 16 years old, so every person that talks to me especially men, I immediately feel wierd and scared and I want to run and hide. I immediately jump to the conclusion they want to touch me and thats scary and I wish I wasn't stuck in this body where people can now ask me about those things and I'm supposed to understand what they are talking about... .

I try to talk to my mother, but she doesn't care, she just bosses me around as soon as her foot gets in the door.

I have periods where I forget everything, I feel like this isn't my problem, Even the clothes in my closet change, Then I come to my senses for a few minutes... . Its like I have a few moments of sanity once a week or something. Its like I wake up, and I find out I have all these friends, and I don't want them anymore... . and I change my life, and then it changes itself another way again ... . its like I wake up to find my life is different... . but Its not really waking up... . its like I know I've been there the whole time. I'm scared of myself!

I keep attracting these people to my life, and I trust them because im so hungry for friends, I trust them and tell them things and then they keep pushing those very buttons ... .

What do I do? I don't want to talk to anybody anymore now, I feel like everybody is going to hurt me ... . I feel like hiding in a closet forever and just staying alone, that way nobody can hurt me, and even if everybody thinks im some kind of freak recluse, at least I'm safe.


I'm starting to feel like everybody is like this. Then I feel bad for thinking that way, and then I start to think "am I delusional like her ? do  I think im the only normal one and everybody is out to get me? what if I'm just like "HER" then that makes me hate myself even more... .

Just want to be alone, I feel like I'm too much a "frady cat" for this world.

[BlueCat]

 

You would benefit from therapy. Are you able to do that?

Very often people that grow up like we did do end up befriending and/or dating (or marrying!) people who treat us badly. It's what we were used to. It's not that you attract it that's the issue, it's that you allow it (or don't notice it?) and it would help to get to the root of that and change yourself into someone who sees these bad behaviors and won't put up with them.

It's not easy  But it's worth it in the end.

[rebl.brown]

BPD people have something I call BPD radar.  It is on all the time searching for someone who will allow them to vent and exploit all their craziness.  This is not your fault.  If you grew up with this kind of behavior it is very difficult to learn to respond to exploitative people in a new way.  You can do it!  Don't give up. You sound like you're sick of it and that's when things begin to change for you.  Take back the power! 

Thinking of you

[DontGiveUpOnMe]

Thank you everybody Im sorry I dont respond for long periods... . I don't feel present anymore a lot of the time. I forget I post, I leave for 2 months then I realize I posted.

Im sorry guys. I appreciate the replies. Thank you.