Trying to make sense of something in the final days.

[Mutt]

The last few months were something else and I'm sure members can empathise. The one thing I don't get when she had said that she's leaving me, moving on and we had agreed to do it after the holidays, is going out on dates. She was detached. Raging at me on almost a daily basis, giving me the silent treatment, alienatiing the kids in front of me, blame shifting, projecting etc... . All of this while keeping the new object a secret and already attached to him and asking me to out on dates as if things where normal. I remember her saying "Mutt, I've asked you several times to go out to a movie, dinner etc... . But you keep refusing"

She said the marriage was over. I didn't feel like going out with someone that chose to end things and we were just counting the days to get through the holidays, the kids birthdays around the same time and then her plan was to leave. Has anyone else experienced this? Dating your spouse with the replacement secretly in the background? It. Didn't feel right at the time because of her insistence of ending it and I knew she meant it. It didn't feel right and I don't regret not doing it, but I'm confused with the contradictions and I'm trying to put it at ease in my mind.

[Clearmind]

Your ex will do as she pleases Mutt - the question is do you want to date your partner while she is pursuing other interests? At this point who knows who the replacement is... .

Its not a contradiction - she is showing who she is - she will keep any interest in the wings to avoid bad feelings.

[Mutt]

I didn't want to go out on dates with her no. It felt wrong. I could tell that I couldn't couldn't convince with her when she said "Mutt, I'm done. I'm telling all of my family and friends, I'm leaving you! I'm moving forward". Her decision. She was convicted and there was no budging her. What I had thought for years was stubborness, (she does have this quality, she's human) was really splitting.

Thanks Clearmind. It's the avoidance of feelings. I did the right thing and stuck with my convictions, it didn't feel right and it's not something that I would pursue now, but that's not an issue now that she's full-time with her new SO.

It was about her, it was the way that she had me feel about it at the time, with guilt and as if it was my fault that I had no interest in her and the marriage was feeling partly due to things like that.

I'm grieving still and it's a month away from a year. I can go for days and not think about the past with her, only to suddenly have memories surface. It was a long r/s so I'll chalk it up to that.

[dontknow2]

Mutt,

Yes, I experienced similar contradictions. I noticed my dxBPDh would start perusing old girlfriend's facebook websites, having lunch with women at work if we just had an argument and were distant when living together/trying. If rejection was sniffed from a mile away, he would ensure fallback was in place.

Shoot on the flip side in parallel, I think he uses things like porn to keep a buffer between us (in addition to other stuff). This was a safer zone; he can now validate the inevitable rejection too and ensure he is prepared to handle it.

To this day 20 years later, he still blames me for our break-ups because I followed through on the break-up even though he was the one who cheated, kept raging, etc. triggering it and not taking responsibility. Like clearmind mentioned, another avoidance of guilt, shame, etc...

The whole thing is so painful and confusing  :'(. I really feel for you. Love yourself with extra care while grieving, the one they tend to avoid the most.   

[Mutt]

Yes, I experienced similar contradictions. I noticed my dxBPDh would start perusing old girlfriend's facebook websites, having lunch with women at work if we just had an argument and were distant when living together/trying. If rejection was sniffed from a mile away, he would ensure fallback was in place.

I remember very early in the r/s a female acquaintance had IM back when there was MSN, while I was on the computer and ex was asking me who I was talking to, what she meant to me (was she an ex gf, a one-night stand... . ) The computer was in the living room and I wasn't trying to hide anything,  but my ex was extremely jealous and she started a fight. I thought it was blown out of proportion and I just didn't talk to anyone on I'm after that (wasn't big on I'm anyway)

Funny how it's a way one way street. Do as I say not as I do.

The whole thing is so painful and confusing  :'(. I really feel for you. Love yourself with extra care while grieving, the one they tend to avoid the most.    

Looking back in the final 5 months before she fleed. I'll never know the truth. I now look at her actions and behaviors I can piece some of what she was doing. I'm passed listening to the blaming, pretzel logic and lying. I can't trust her to this day, everytime she says something I have to read between the lines and I don't take her for her word. 

October 2012 she says she's leaving me and blame shifting everything on me by the next month and guilt tripping me that we weren't doing things as a couple? Very frustrating. But I hindsight, I can understand that she was making sure maybe she had someone to fallback to, if the next object doesn't work. I should take my own advice. Don't logic w/ crazy.

She felt like a stranger to me in those months, like an aggressive person that I had not known or seen before. I was left taking care of the kids while she was out the replacement and I had shifted my focus off of her and put my energy on the kids. Whatever was going on with her at the time, was something completely out of my control, I had accepted that and the best thing to do was to let her go. I had thought there's no way a single mom, no income with 4 kids was going to make it on her own, but she proved me wrong. The honeymoon with a new object was a much more powerful force.

Thanks dontknow2. It is painful and confusing. I'm trying to make sense in my own mind with pieces like this and it's helped here on this board to talk about it.

[seeking balance]

I didn't want to go out on dates with her no. It felt wrong. I could tell that I couldn't couldn't convince with her

It was about her, it was the way that she had me feel about it at the time, with guilt and as if it was my fault that I had no interest in her and the marriage was feeling partly due to things like that.

FOG - ours - keeps us confused and in a way hooked.  I read Obligation and Guilt in the sentence above.  It helped me to notice my emotions so I could change them - my thinking - to take care of me so I could heal.

Hang in there Mutt!

SB

[Mutt]

I didn't want to go out on dates with her no. It felt wrong. I could tell that I couldn't couldn't convince with her

It was about her, it was the way that she had me feel about it at the time, with guilt and as if it was my fault that I had no interest in her and the marriage was feeling partly due to things like that.

FOG - ours - keeps us confused and in a way hooked.  I read Obligation and Guilt in the sentence above.  It helped me to notice my emotions so I could change them - my thinking - to take care of me so I could heal.

Hang in there Mutt!

SB

Thanks SB. I'm glad that I asked because FOG was something that didn't even pop-up on my radar.