After facing my false self, how to reconcile leaving if my ex wants therapy?

[dontknow2]

OK first... . if I know something is wrong and feel strongly about it, I feel compelled to speak up and/or fix it. It’s a combination of a sense of duty and validating me. So, I struggle with the following.

Before our last break-up, I told my dxBPDh I couldn’t continue unless he got therapy. Since he refused saying “you don’t love me for who I am. I will never change and don’t want to.", he moved out. Now 7 months later and 2 months before his lease is up, he wants to move back in and get therapy. Clearly, the first red flag is that he didn’t get therapy while living on his own but will only do it if he moves back in. Second red flag, he can barely make it on his own (keeping a job) and his rich mother keeps bailing him out but may not last. Third red flag, at first he said he wants therapy to address his ‘porn problem’ but that is it; and when I told him that it sounds like he still doesn’t seriously want to change, he said now he does.  Plus more red flags not mentioned here.

Here is the deal… I only realized after therapy, facing myself including my false self, identifying my other BPD traits, acting them out on my ex, and learning to love me - how I was hurting others including my kids. So, I know my ex is most likely in the same boat. Now, I am having a hard time reconciling leaving when he wants to get therapy with a condition. The problem: not sure I can stay well while living with him (haven’t been able to do it even though it does get much better each go) and can tell his interest in therapy is fear-based. Even with the latter, the reason why I went to therapy was selfish too (I was having a hard time advancing in my career). It wasn’t until into therapy, the lights started to go off.

I still think… hey, therapy did so much for me and was in a very similar starting point myself. I am grateful to my loved ones for forgiving me after learning I didn't know any better and made amends.

Even though my loved one would have to learn how to maintain strong boundaries in the mean time, I wouldn’t want to be left behind if they knew what I know now.

I want to help give my ex his chance and keep fighting for me at the same time. Can't this be a win-win?

[thicker skin]

I'm shooting from the hip here and I am no expert, so perhaps just take a bit of well meant advice dontknow2... .

Prioritise YOUR boundaries. His are his to deal with.

If you don't want him living with you again, until you feel that he has done the work in therapy and won't have to leave again, great. You, him and your kids don't need a replay. YOUR boundaries, for the good of you and your kids.

If his parents are happy to support him through that process, cool. No skin off of your nose. Let the real work get underway and show him how strong you are, whilst loving and emotionally supporting him from the sanctuary of your home/haven.

Your priority is creating a secure home for the kids, be it with one or two parents. One sick and one well isn't secure... .

You're at a very early healing stage. Don't give up your recovery, boundaries or security until he's fit to fill the role.

In the long run, it could work out nicely. If you take a short cut, because you want it to work, but the job is only half done, you might go back to square one.

Sorry if that's harsh. Good luck   

[Clearmind]

There is every reason to allow therapy to begin and continue before making any decision to move in together/live together.

How do you reconcile? 1) by over coming your guilt 2) allowing him to follow the therapy path because he needs to for himself/its about him not you 3) allow you the space to heal.

Therapeutic separation can be a very healthy for you both. Him going into therapy is not a reward for you to move in. It takes work, he needs to be committed and you need to start working on strong boundaries.

You have done some work already - what are you therapists thoughts on where to from here? have you both worked out a plan?

[dontknow2]

If you don't want him living with you again, until you feel that he has done the work in therapy and won't have to leave again, great. You, him and your kids don't need a replay. YOUR boundaries, for the good of you and your kids. ... .

If you take a short cut, because you want it to work, but the job is only half done, you might go back to square one. Sorry if that's harsh. Good luck

thicker skin, Thank you and nope, not too harsh. It's true my preference was to have him start therapy while living separately (since he quit therapy the last time we lived together) and is to not go through another 'break-up' like you said. I have many excuses, at this point, why I am considering compromising ($, recognizing the relationship needs continued watering too, etc.). Yet, I do need to get back to reprioritizing and clarifying my boundaries AGAIN. A short cut could cause us to go back to square one; appreciate the reminder on that risk, ugh.

On a separate note, his parents do not support him getting therapy, tell him that he is who is, and I don't love him because I ask for it. I guess they reached 'radical acceptance'.

Him going into therapy is not a reward for you to move in. It takes work, he needs to be committed and you need to start working on strong boundaries. You have done some work already - what are you therapists thoughts on where to from here? have you both worked out a plan?

Clearmind, Separation has been very healthy for both of us; oh yes! Plus you're right; therapy is not a reward for him to move in. I have been working on stronger boundaries for years (I used to have NONE) but still tend to compromise by default. In addition to learning my boundaries on the fly as needed, I will sometimes take a tougher stand initially and then compromise. Even though I don't plan it this way, I notice this gives him a needed sense of control. I know the compromising is undermining for both of us too but have not been able to make progress otherwise. A big problem in our relationship was I needed as much help as he does and learning as I go... . it's almost as if he waits until I prove effectiveness of a certain path before he's willing to take the next step (but eventually he does). I know how this sounds but don't think he'll do therapy living on his own. That said, I will talk about this with my therapist if I am able to continue ($ is a problem). Thank you.