My two sons are 10 & 7, do I tell them mummy is BPD and how do I do this?

[adrianab]

My two sons are aged 10 & 7, and I'm pretty sure my youngest son has some BPD traits like his mum (difficulty controlling emotions, unreasonable negative thinking etc) he was diagnosed with Aspergers, so its either that or a combination.

I only learned about BPD recently so I have been handling my wife all wrong for the past 11 years, but things are getting better now that I'm better informed and prepared.

The thing is I fear my eldest son has been effected by our problems, the fighting, the moving in and out, a couple of almost divorces, and I believe in not hiding the truth and being honest with him about whats going on, but I'm not sure how to approach it. Right now our kids have been told that mummy is sick and needs lots of rest sometimes and not to be disturbed which is okay and acceptable for my youngest, but my eldest is much more aware and also very sensitive to his surroundings and other peoples emotions (much like me). My wife is extremely OCD about cleanliness which is tough for little children (cant make any mess) she does tend to switch off around them sometimes and has snapped at them on occasion.

Is there any method or strategy for telling kids that a parent has BPD?

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[GeekyGirl]

Good question, adrianab. It's wonderful that you're learning about how to take care of yourself and your boys.

How would knowing that their mother has BPD affect them and their behavior? I ask because 10 and 7 may be too young to fully comprehend what it means that their mother has BPD. Of course, you know your sons best.

Are they in any sort of counseling, or are you open to sending them to counseling? That might be a way to work with your youngest and have some help with this.

How are you doing?

[adrianab]

Hi Geeky Girl, thanks for the post. I'm actually doing okay. I feel like finally I get my wife, and why she does what she does. This past week has been good.

Maybe 7 & 10 is a bit to young for the details. Will just play it by ear for now.

Where I live there is very limited help, and the few options available are expensive. So thank god for the Internet.

A therapist I was talking to recently is planning to open the first BPD support group in the country later this year, so maybe I will think about counseling for them then.

Thanks!

[GeekyGirl]

I'm glad to hear that you're doing well. Living with someone with BPD can feel like you're on a roller coaster.

A BPD support group sounds great, and hopefully that will give you some additional help. In the meantime, keep learning as much as you can. It will help you in your relationship with your wife, and it will help you as a parent as well.

There are a few links here that I think would be helpful for you:

How a Mother with Borderline Personality Disorder Affects Her Children

REFERENCE: Child development and parents with mental illness

I wish you and your family all the best. Hang in there and keep us posted on how you're doing.