Almost 2 Years, Attempted Recycle.

[Hamakua]

So almost 2 years after NC my udBPDex ends her latest relationship with him almost committing suicide.  She sends me an email, little flirty message, I ask her if she remembers treating me like complete hit last time we spoke.

Walls come up, "Fine, I'll block you again".

Give her a good "before you do" wall of text calling her out on her BS and pointing out her relationship misfortunes tend to all end the same.  I lay everything out and she knows it's all true.  She deflects and starts to trash all over her latest ex, every one of his faults compared to every one of my virtues (sound familiar?).  I read it all and can only imagine the hit she said to others about me,  I feel bad for her ex, I feel bad for anyone who has ever loved this girl in any capacity.  She comes back with a few more messages and I'm not "blocked" but I don't continue the conversation.

A couple of weeks later she sends another message telling me that her sis would probably like to hear from me.  Her sister and I were friends before the latest breakup and I just bowed out without any communication for all the obvious reasons.  It was an annoyance, but I'm not playing that game.

Anyway, now that it seems it's "fine" (don't worry, I know my BPDex is using this as another avenue), I did want to send one good message to her older sister.  So I did, trying to play catchup as much as possible, filling in the holes that a friend would want filled in, (while keeping out anything I wouldn't want the BPDex to know).  She was happy to hear from me and returns the catchup.  All is fine until her phrasing in reference to me and my BPDex infers split responsibility in it going south.  I avoid correcting her but clarify that I'd prefer her to not discuss the ex and my situation as the older sister, she, doesn't know even 10% of the story (of this I am certain).

Correspondence continues a bit unimpeded until blame is hinted at again.

Gloves come off and, while keeping things vague, I point out the common denominator in the BPDex's relationship misery is herself.  I explain that the person the Sister knows is not the person her string of SO's are treated with.  I tell her I feel bad for all of the ex boyfriends of the BPDex and probably only they know more of the story.

Anyway the correspondence ends coldly but there was nothing for it. I let the Sister have the last word but my initial explanation would have rung both true and I wonder... .

Are BPD's able to hide the ugliest parts of themselves from close siblings, or was the Sister simply trying to put a nicer light on my BPDex's actions?

This wasn't a stupid girl, but my ex was very good at carrying around her collection of multiple facades.

---

It was just annoying to have, essentially a friend defend my BPDex as though all the bad things my BPDex ever said about me were true, and my BPDex never had so much as a trivial fault about her.

Upon re-reading the back and forth I get the impression the Sister (friend of mine) knew what I was saying wasn't a lie, she just sort of ignored it in the refutation.  I purposely avoided the subject all-together multiple times but am not going to stand for anyone telling me that living hell was my fault.  I did that to myself for years.

I hate my BPDex to such an amazing amount that it would viewed with incredulity be people who don't understand BPD.  I doubt I'll ever hate anyone or anything nearly as much.  I then went on to write about it in my journal then thought it would be good to post here.

Beyond the above incident, I don't expect much more to come from my udBPDex, probably another couple relationships, another two years, and then another flirty message in my in-box after a suicide attempt or two.

---

Thanks for reading.

Anyway, question to the board,

Do siblings know when one of their brothers or sisters has BPD?  Or are BPD's good enough to keep that hidden, long term from people like family?

[Hamakua]

"poopy"

[bewildered2]

the answer to your question might depend on whether the siblings also suffer from the disorder... .

remember that your ex-BPD has been behaving this way for many years and therefore through many relationships.

so if you had a sister who had a long long history of intense and stormy reationships which have always eneded very badly, wouldn't you think that she might have a problem?

but if you also had a similar relationship history, might you, instead of taking some blame yourself, just blame all your exes and sympathize with your sis (hoping that she would take your side too)?

as for my personal anecdotal evidence, my ex-BPD once said "nobody does relationships well in my family". she had two sisters, who, like her, were attractive and intelligent and fun. all three of them had terribly stormy relationships with the usual characteristics of multiple break-ups, abuse directed at partners, pathological lying, cheating, substance abuse, etc.

as for your situation, my 2 cents says her sister knows, or strongly suspects that her sis is the problem, and she may even know the nature and the name. chances are your ex has been in therapy and/or on anti-depressants over the years. and it is quite possible that nobody ever told you about this.

and how about her parents? do you not think they may have suspected as she was growing up that there was a problem?

the sister of a borderline whom i know said that her family was well aware of her problem. That guys would come, and the BPD sis would "give them everything", and then run off with another guy. She said that they never warned the new victim because they'd never believe them. so the family used to watch the train crash, over and over again.

I'd bet the sister of your ex-BPD knows more than she is telling.

and she knows you are the victim here.

but, as they say, blood is thicker than water.

bad luck to you mate, that such an obviously intelligent man should have to suffer in this way. but try and let it go now? she has a problem. sad, but true.

you are only guilty of being too nice, and too patient. about time to save some of that niceness for yourself!

good luck,

b2       

[Ironmanrises]

So almost 2 years after NC my udBPDex ends her latest relationship with him almost committing suicide.  She sends me an email, little flirty message, I ask her if she remembers treating me like complete  last time we spoke.

Walls come up, "Fine, I'll block you again".

Give her a good "before you do" wall of text calling her out on her BS and pointing out her relationship misfortunes tend to all end the same.  I lay everything out and she knows it's all true.  She deflects and starts to trash all over her latest ex, every one of his faults compared to every one of my virtues (sound familiar?).  I read it all and can only imagine the  she said to others about me,  I feel bad for her ex, I feel bad for anyone who has ever loved this girl in any capacity.  She comes back with a few more messages and I'm not "blocked" but I don't continue the conversation.

A couple of weeks later she sends another message telling me that her sis would probably like to hear from me.  Her sister and I were friends before the latest breakup and I just bowed out without any communication for all the obvious reasons.  It was an annoyance, but I'm not playing that game.

Anyway, now that it seems it's "fine" (don't worry, I know my BPDex is using this as another avenue), I did want to send one good message to her older sister.  So I did, trying to play catchup as much as possible, filling in the holes that a friend would want filled in, (while keeping out anything I wouldn't want the BPDex to know).  She was happy to hear from me and returns the catchup.  All is fine until her phrasing in reference to me and my BPDex infers split responsibility in it going south.  I avoid correcting her but clarify that I'd prefer her to not discuss the ex and my situation as the older sister, she, doesn't know even 10% of the story (of this I am certain).

Correspondence continues a bit unimpeded until blame is hinted at again.

Gloves come off and, while keeping things vague, I point out the common denominator in the BPDex's relationship misery is herself.  I explain that the person the Sister knows is not the person her string of SO's are treated with.  I tell her I feel bad for all of the ex boyfriends of the BPDex and probably only they know more of the story.

Anyway the correspondence ends coldly but there was nothing for it. I let the Sister have the last word but my initial explanation would have rung both true and I wonder... .

Are BPD's able to hide the ugliest parts of themselves from close siblings, or was the Sister simply trying to put a nicer light on my BPDex's actions?

This wasn't a stupid girl, but my ex was very good at carrying around her collection of multiple facades.

---

It was just annoying to have, essentially a friend defend my BPDex as though all the bad things my BPDex ever said about me were true, and my BPDex never had so much as a trivial fault about her.

Upon re-reading the back and forth I get the impression the Sister (friend of mine) knew what I was saying wasn't a lie, she just sort of ignored it in the refutation.  I purposely avoided the subject all-together multiple times but am not going to stand for anyone telling me that living hell was my fault.  I did that to myself for years.

I hate my BPDex to such an amazing amount that it would viewed with incredulity be people who don't understand BPD.  I doubt I'll ever hate anyone or anything nearly as much.  I then went on to write about it in my journal then thought it would be good to post here.

Beyond the above incident, I don't expect much more to come from my udBPDex, probably another couple relationships, another two years, and then another flirty message in my in-box after a suicide attempt or two.

---

Thanks for reading.

Anyway, question to the board,

Do siblings know when one of their brothers or sisters has BPD?  Or are BPD's good enough to keep that hidden, long term from people like family?

That is truly awful that you are being presented with such after so long. The multiple facades may fool family/friends enough to where nothing can be consistently pointed back to the pwBPD which enables them and undermines the non even further. With my exUBPDgf, i was told in both rounds of the relationship, by her sister and some of her friends, "Ironmanfalls, you better treat [Medusa] right." When i heard it in round 2, after knowing about the BPD, i wanted to SCREAM. I held my tongue and wondered, "what exactly was being told to these people that something like that was being told to me when it should have been told to her that very statement, not me." Here was a person, who discarded me in friendship, who discarded me in round 1, and who discarded me in round 2 and those god damn ___ing family/friends/sycophants are telling me that?  Those people have no idea how much they literally become accomplices to the pwBPD by saying stuff like that. 

[strikeforce]

Its stories like this that keep me on edge.

They don't seem to ever move on and leave you alone.

I am doing great coming up on 7 weeks NC but my fear is how I react if she ever contacts me again.

[maxen]

With my exUBPDgf, i was told in both rounds of the relationship, by her sister and some of her friends, "Ironmanfalls, you better treat [Medusa] right." When i heard it in round 2, after knowing about the BPD, i wanted to SCREAM. I held my tongue and wondered, "what exactly was being told to these people that something like that was being told to me when it should have been told to her that very statement, not me." Here was a person, who discarded me in friendship, who discarded me in round 1, and who discarded me in round 2 and those god damn ___ing family/friends/sycophants are telling me that?

i have had somewhat the same experience, and exactly the same reaction. it's just infuriating. when i was still hoping for reconciliation, one of my close friends pointed to this very thing: that i've been slandered, and that's unforgivable. it's not one of those things in life that you just "have to" accept. i'm having a very hard time letting it rest.

Do siblings know when one of their brothers or sisters has BPD?

in my case no, they don't, not because they have it themselves, but because her family is extremely  self-regarding and the problem either isn't a problem or it's with the other party. my w's older brother wrecked his first marriage with philandering. my w commented that his wife "wasn't committed to the family." ( ) and in my case her mother said "there's two sides to every pancake." i think of deceit and betrayal more as a moebius strip.

[patientandclear]

Hamakua,  .

I remember you from 18 months ago, just before I plunged back into contact with my uBPDex.  I still laugh thinking of the incredible accuracy of your "10 reasons they'll use to get back in touch" post.  I'm wondering if you guessed right and what she said in her "flirty" message was one of the ones you predicted.

About her sister's reaction: I don't think you can exaggerate the distorting effect on other people's perceptions if they are being fed false facts with great persuasiveness.  It works on us, too, in the beginning of the r/s, right?  The stories about how abusive & horrible the prior partners were, or the last fling between recycles with you ... .

I bet the sister was told was great specificity some ways in which you were a really rotten partner.  This same thing seems to happen with therapists before a BPD diagnosis, too -- the pwBPD reports untrue facts with great persuasiveness & the therapist is off & running in completely the wrong direction, telling the person wBPD that their partner is trying to control them, they need to get free, etc.

If your sibling told you very specific facts about her prior r/s, I think it would be hard to jump to the conclusion that they were entirely fabricated.  The implications are enormous.  Easier to think hey, Hamakua is a pretty great guy, but I guess he wasn't as good a partner as I thought at the time -- oh well.

[Dela]

Hamakua

Same thing with my exBPDgfs Family. My ex broke up with me out of nowhere a year ago, i knew something wasnt right and had numerous people that knew us tell me they thought she was borderline.

me and her family got along great and I was very close to her sister and she was there for me after we broke up saying I can come spend Xmas with the family as my Ex wont be there, then I made the mistake of telling her I think your Sister might Have BPD, then she starts getting angry saying my ex has a recording of me getting angry,

I tell her well your mum caught her cutting herself in her room and sent her away to live with family friends, her response was "every girls go through that stage and she was just scratching".

Next I tell her that she couldnt keep Friends and her response "girls change groups of friends thats normal".

There was an excuse for everything.

My thinking is they know exactly there is something wrong with them but dont want to admit it because admitting that would mean there is something wrong with the family, so even though you were close with the family of course they are going to defend there own blood

[Turkish]

 my ex arty the end confirmed 7/9 traits. I  spotted 4  to 5  in the first year,  but lost myself in the fog.  stepping back from it. I  am sure her older brother had it.  he is low functioning when it comes to  relationships.  everyone in the family knows it,  as well as the self sabotage,  anger,  etc... .   no mystery,  but when dysfunction is normal,  would anyone get in the internet and do research?  assume so and make it here,  but they seem to be rare,  our at least removed by blood relation.  my x's  dad probably has  it.  her younger sister displays some traits,  but not so much the anger and splitting,  which is obvious in my ex.  They just term  her difficult and sometimes mean.  until me,  and always hid her romantic love from her family.  she is good arty compartmentalizing. I  am the only man,  and could possibly be the only one,  who became part of the family in any way.  she is fiercely protective of her family.  even if she is a foolish love addict,  she'll keep that dysfunction away,  at least for now.  her family knows what is going on.  but do I expect them after all these years to search for some dark secret that would explain her?  No.  She's " making bad choices right now"  one of her siblings told me.  They have no idea... .   and it's not my place to explain it to them. they'll be my family until the day I  die since we have two kids,  so I am enmeshed.  what good would explaining anything to them do?  it won't change a thing. I  can't control her and they certainly can't,  so why waste time trying  and likely causing pain and alienation in the process?

[shellsh0cked]

I had to tell my friend that is still in contact with her that when I put a restraining order against her (for smashing windows out of my car and an attempt on my life) that I was not playing her game anymore.  That if I received one text, email, phone call... . one of her bs made up emails from a bogus account... . or even a message sent to me through someone else that I would have her put in jail without a second thought, and that if she didn't believe it that she should give it a try.  I had enough and the stress was killing me.

Trust me man... . this sister grew up with her right?  She knows how she is.  Most borderlines are abusive to others around them... . not just their SOs.   Oftentimes it is also their siblings, parents, children... . and closest friends... . Anyone that dares get close to them (abandonment fears). 

The night she tore up my car, her sister told me to call the cops (I knew she was at my house as she has done this before... predictable).  Told me that we had to stop enabling her... . that she needed to feel consequences.  So she winds up going to jail that night on a series of charges after arguing with the police about leaving (intoxicated).  I'm thinking... . GREAT... . now maybe they can get this b*tch some court mandated help!  WRONG!  She pulls the "suicide" card because she says she is afraid the courts will take her kid away (which was probably a good idea)... . So her sister FLIPS around on me and a few days later is asking me to drop the charges!  What?  I thought we were going to stop enabling?  Because it is her sister she Decides that getting her help isn’t really a great idea…let’s just defuse the situation by letting her get away with this kind of behavior again…Hell, it actually ENCOURAGED it if you ask me!  A couple of weeks later I am at the tint shop getting my side window retinted that she broke out ($4000 worth of damage), and her sister calls and says that they are going to let M just pay “part” of the restitution for the car…I’m like…fine... whatever.  I’m out $1000 for the deductible which I feel like I oughta pay since I could have left that psycho alone and this wouldn’t have happened and it was worth $1000 to not have to deal with her.  So, she says, “here’s the thing…you have to tell her you “provoked” her into doing it.”  WHAT?  I was cleaning up gear from a band performance…one I had to stop while she was raging on me in front of my friends and my mother!  She is the one that chose to pick a fight with me…over a delusion too!  I wasn’t there…she decides like 4 hours after her little performance that she wants to f#ck my car up and kill me…and I am going to call MY insurance company and tell them I “provoked” her?  I told her it would be a COLD f#cking day in the hell before that happened…and I didn’t give a damn if they sued her for every damn penny of the damage.  So I can get dropped from my insurance company…pay high risk insurance from there on out?  Not happening…no f#cking way…I couldn’t believe how we had flipped from “consequences” to “enabling”….

So, you can see how she might be on “her side”.  Interestingly enough, she and her sister also have a “rocky” relationship.  Christmas 2012 my x got mad at the same sister.  X had her debit card…Decided since she was mad that she could justify stealing $300 from their account.  Of course she denied it…she was on camera though…just like she was when she tore up my car.  She’s not real smart….or just doesn’t care or think things out without regard to consequences.  My buddy told her he wasn’t playing with her and that if the money wasn’t back in the account before midnight that she was going to jail…nice girl huh?