Being ignored by BPD mother. Typical?

[supergirl2]

I'm wondering if often being ignored by a BPD parent is a common trait?

My Mother has not been formally diagnosed directly (to her), however the family therapist basically told me she has BPD. She told me that my mother "hates herself", feels internally out of control and chaotic, has had a psychotic episode w/ post-episode amnesia(real or feigned amnesia I don't know), and that my mom is "like an empty refrigerator. You won't get love from her because she's empty inside." She has suggested I read a specific book on how to deal with someone who has borderline personality disorder. To me that's a pretty strong allusion to a suspected diagnosis.

What I'd like to know from other people who have a parent with BPD or know a lot about BPD, is:

Is it common for someone with BPD to ignore you? (I'll explain more before)

And if anyone can shine light on what I'm going to write below, whether you have experienced the same or if you can explain how this makes sense with the BPD mindset, it would help. I do best when I understand things, even if it is just understanding why she acts in the way she does. It helps a lot to know and have reaffirmed that she acts this way because of x,y,z reasons. It helps me distance myself emotionally from her behavior and look at it more analytically.

Part I: The Ignoring

When I was little, my mom was never around. She worked 5-6 days a week and when she was home, she was often shopping or taking my older sister shopping. She was just never around and she claims this is because my dad forced her to work. Now that she's retired, she never leaves the house. Ever. 1-2 times a month at most. It's crazy because when I was little and I wanted her around, she was never there. And now that I'm over 18 and I want peace and quiet and to be away from her, she's always around. But even though she's around, she's only "present" when she can a) complain to me about how bad her life is, b) Constantly lecture me about science and how good she was at her job to kind of pat herself on the back, or c) criticize, judge, and tear me down for anything she can come up with and basically try to control my entire life right down to the way I have my room and closet organized to choosing the color on my walls, try to put her nose in who I date etc etc. I am her personal pecking ground against my will. When she can't do any of the above because I won't allow it or I guess she's bored with it or tired, she resorts to ignoring me. She spends ALL her time on her ipad looking at useless house and fashion blogs, watching youtube videos on makeup, and typing emails to a club she's no longer a member of who she's deemed herself responsible to fix the corruption in the politics. I try to talk to her about anything and I barely get answers of (yeah, mhmm, etc) and usually no answer. It's like talking to myself and I constantly have to ask her "are you even listening to me?" and she'll repeat what I just said in the conversation to prove that she was. I'll tell her "Ok, but I would never know it." And she'll just continue reading/typing whatever she was doing on the ipad. I HATE that ipad. It's the most important thing in the world to her. I estimate she spends around 7 hours a day on there, sometimes up to 12 or so. Here is where I get all analytical: Is her ipad use her way of running away from life? Is it her way of not having to feel and numbing herself out? It's what she does instead of conversing, instead of being an active part of the family, instead of solving a fight... . immediately after she'll go sit down with the ipad. Is it also a way to "punish" us for being less than what she wants us to be for her emotionally? She does things a lot where she'll pick up the dog and say to the dog in front of me "at least the dog loves me." or "at least one of us is getting attention." She also purposefully and exaggeratedly puts herself down in front of me whenever I disapprove of whatever she's doing. She'll say things like "I'm just a bhit. Just a mean old bhit" and things like that. After fights I'll catch her saying these things to herself when she's alone too, out loud, when she thinks she's alone. It creeps me out. That's how a crazy person acts.

Part II: The mannerisms

* She has ocd tendencies. The house must be organized exactly how she wants it, including inside the dishwasher, how the dishes are placed and the area inside in which they must be placed (everything has to face a certain direction even though they can go in either and be in the back left corner, etc). She has the refrigerator organized in the same way. Everything has to go in a specific spot and if you move it there's hell to pay for half an hour. The rest of the house is the same way, but here's the thing, the house is FILTHY. She doesn't clean, vacuum, sweep, or dust. The organization is important to her, but the cleanliness is not.

* She picks the skin off her heels constantly. If she's sitting down, you can guarantee that's what she'll be doing. It's disgusting and constant.

* She constantly moves her feet an in akathesia-like manner. It's weird and creepy. I can't stand to watch it and be in her presence because of this and the above. I seriously can't even look at her.

* She refuses to wear pants or underwear inside. Because of this I never sit on the couch she sits on or the kitchen chairs. My only safe haven is my room. Oh, she's also obese.

Part III: Enabling Father

My dad is aware of her suspected BPD through his own therapist, but he seems to let her do anything, even though he doesn't like it. His main ultimate goal is to keep her from being angry with him and stay out of the line of fire. He can also be downright blind and naive at times, although he has been diagnosed w/  a s b e r g e r 's. For example, the other day my mom was being crazy and yelling (I call it screeching, when the voice hits that certain decibel of shrillness and nasality. It's a feat. It's not quite yelling but a rather cagey form of discreet yelling and makes you wish you were deaf.) The screeching was taking place over nothing, she just wanted to be angry with me over anything. My dad witnessed the tail end of it as we left the house for errands. When I came home and I told my dad she had been "crazy" that day, he says to me "What did YOU do? You must have done something wrong." He doesn't look at her behavior as the cause. He has also told me I need to "praise her" to get her to act right so she won't behave badly and emotionally hurt me. Talk about a mess right?    He stands up against her for himself or for me very very rarely. For himself, it is always when he has had the absolute last straw. He'll yell and usually take off in the car to go grab dinner without her. When he stands up for me, he never yells like that.

Part IV: She lies

She'll bold face lie to my dad right in front of me to stay out of trouble at my expense. (She lied to my dad about physically harassing me and trapping me in my bedroom against my will). Just hours later she feigned she didn't remember that happening and that she was only kind. The look on her face when I saw her do that chills me to the core and it's something I will never forget nor forgive. I swear in that moment I saw nothing behind her eyes. She looked cold and unfeeling and it still scares me how empty and flat her eyes looked. They looked like gaping dark holes. I can't even explain it. When you've seen it, it's like seeing who a person really is, robotic when you thought they had a heart. It's been months and that day still scares me, still creeps me out, and still makes me angry. It makes me hate her because it revealed who she really is.

Part V: The lack of boundaries and stealing of myself

When I was 13 she began to demand that she be able to enter the bathroom while I was showering or using the bathroom at any time. I was not allowed to lock the door. She began to walk around naked in front of me (when changing clothes or for no apparent reason) when she had never done so before. I was not allowed to be independent, or have my own opinions. She read my diary, forbid me to date or drive, or poured all of her attention into my older sister. I had previously been a "golden child." The switch flipped the moment I wanted to be my own person. I was grounded and made to sleep on a mattress on the floor for 3 months when I was 15 and the following summer I was again grounded for no reason. She stole my social life and connection to the outside world. In the 3 years of high school that I was supposed to be becoming independent and finding out who I am, she carved out my soul by isolation and no longer loving me as her daughter. She has never treated me the same since and her behavior only worsens with time. I'm strong enough and smart enough now to know that it's HER not me, thankfully.

Note: When I was 13, she took in an 18 year old borderline to live in our house as a kind gesture. She poured all her energy into him, and when he left 7 months later, she has never been the same. It was like opening pandora's box for her crazy behavior. She has told me she identified with him and views herself as a "mini borderline."

Part VI: Blessings

The only reason I believe I survived my childhood is because I was basically raised by live-in babysitters, once of which I still care about very much to this day. She was with me from when I was 6-10 and was a bright light in what would have been an otherwise entirely painful childhood.

Part VII: Trapped

Everyone reading this is thinking "MOVE OUT." I wish I could but financially I can't. I am currently being treated with chemo, can't work, can't even drive because I'm so sick, and thus can't move out. I have to stick it out for the next 10 months or so at least. The crazy thing is that I'm sick because she neglected to care for me "right" when I was a baby and I got sick which is directly connected to me being sick now. She knows this. I'm living the manifestation of her neglect, shame, and problems right in front of her eyes. This will sound cold but I hope it makes her feel bad because it is her fault. She has told me "you can't die" and I believe it's because she loves me but I think she loves me for what she thinks I am to her, for her to use as her emotional dumping ground and crux. I don't think she loves me for WHO I am, just what I can be off use to her, because to her, I am her lifeline even though it's clear I don't like her. She told me once, "I had children so I would have someone to love." and has talked about me as an adult in terms of ownership. It's hard not to actually hate her for how vile of a person she has been when she was supposed to be my mother.

Part VIII: Comorbid

I strongly suspect she has traits of narcissism, because with age her behavior has gotten worse not better or stagnant. She thinks she is the smartest person, the most educated, coming from THE BEST state in the nation, has the best occupation, is the best at her job, and reads copious amounts of books on her favorite topic- personality disorders, sociopaths, and manipulation. She obsessively talks about a select set of topics and nothing else. These include: personality disorders, the corrupt club I mentioned that she's not even a member of, how much she hates me dad and how he ruined her life, me being sick and everything she knows about the science, or how great she was at her job, how smart she is, etc. She doesn't talk about anything pleasant or not "self fanning," ever. If you try to get her to talk about other NORMAL things, she gets angry with you and tells you "I just can't win with you!" followed by punishment of being ignored.

Feel free to explain or shine light on any of this. It's good to have a place to talk about this and understand it.  

[P.F.Change]

  Hi, supergirl2.

I am glad you have joined us and have started a thread here. Having a parent with BPD can certainly feel frustrating. I am sorry you feel trapped right now because you are relying on your parents for care during chemo. That must be hard. I hear you say you would like more information so that you can understand the behaviors associated with the disorder. We do have those resources and will be happy to share them with you. We also have a goal of helping each other look for solutions to our frustrations, and there are tools here that can help with that as well.

Many of the behaviors you described are common for someone with BPD, such as a lack of interpersonal boundaries and a reliance on others to provide a sense of self. Other things may seem odd or annoying to you but are probably not related to the disorder. Here are just a couple of links with information about some of the behaviors you mentioned:

BPD BEHAVIORS: Silent treatment - verbal abuse.

BPD BEHAVIORS: Emotionalturity

While we can't change other people, we do have the ability to choose our own behavior. Learning how to identify and take care of your own boundaries and communicate in effective ways can be very helpful. Have you ever tried using TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth?

What kinds of things are you doing right now to manage your feelings about your mother's behavior? You mention a family therapist, which is good.   Do you feel you are getting personal support there?

Wishing you peace,

PF

[PrettyPlease]

... . It creeps me out. That's how a crazy person acts.

[snip]... .

Feel free to explain or shine light on any of this. It's good to have a place to talk about this and understand it.  

Hi supergirl2,  

Wow, you really got dealt a tough hand.

I went and read through your other posts, and my reaction was:

Wow, you really got dealt a tough hand.  :'(

But that's not all.  

You have amazing abilities: you analyze and reason well, you're well organized, you know what good boundaries should be, and you have energy and a sense of yourself.

My caution is this: if you use all that in the service of railing against having been dealt this hand, it will probably not help you. Your mother will not hear you. That's why I quoted "that's how a crazy person acts". Yes. And accepting that she is a crazy person -- and you've proved it over and above what's necessary for that proof, given your several posts -- what can be done?

You say you can't leave, because of the illness. Leaving would be the best option. I suggest you merely put it aside, but keep planning it. Hope for it. Think about it. It will happen in, what, 10 months? That's not so long. You need things to keep you sane for those 10 months. A big one of them is planning how you're going to get out.  

But you need others; how about:

 --writing here as much as you need

 --writing in other places; maybe keeping a journal

 --reading here -- threads, background workshops; books recommended here

 --a therapist (do you have one?)

 --your dad (to the extent he can help, but if he's an enabler -- of your mom -- this might be limited)

 --your sister

 --your best friend

 --reaching out to other friends or relatives who might be able to help (they might refuse, but it's worth the try, they might surprise you)

 --or other things, things that you think up. Maybe spend some alone time figuring out strategies. You know what she's like, you know what she's likely to do; so figure out the opposites: how to disengage.

 --keep trying the SET tools that P.F.Change linked for you -- they can take a while to get the hang of, but sometimes can work well.

A major thing is to recognize that this is an incredibly difficult situation -- Trouble in Hell as you aptly put it -- and you're doing everything you can with the resources you have available.

Which reminds me of that poster who suggested you call 911 the next time your mother has a screaming fit. It's a resource, right? I think I'd be tempted to do that. Something needs to change.  

PP

P.S. re: your title question about ignoring: My uBPD mother (now deceased) wasn't a screamer, but she definitely did the ignoring, as payback for things she didn't like. Knowing more about BPD now, I'd say I'm not sure whether she was doing it purposely as manipulation, or whether she merely flipped into painting me black. I suspect she did both at different times, and maybe from her point of view it was even hard to distinguish the two things. But in either case it's just something pwBPD do because they have a mental disorder. It's an actual physiological difference in how their brain works. It's not really about us, personally. We're just a trigger who happens to be in the line of fire. Currently.

[an0ught]

Hi supergirl2,

you really are in a tough situation  

There are few who have such a comprehensive and mature overview of their situation. I would like to second PP here - be careful that analysis of others does not distract you from getting better yourself.

You mother may well suffer from BPD which would mean that she struggles to keep her emotions in check. Sometimes she fails and then all hell breaks loose. Most of the time she manages not to explode by picking her skin, cleaning, rearranging the deck chairs and hunting for mansions on her iPad. It is severely limiting what she can experience in life. In the universe of destructive stuff she could do to regulate her emotions in some sense OCD is relatively harmless. But while everything may have been little the overall household atmosphere has the gestalt of her dysfunction and that can be heavily oppressing.

BPD is unfortunately also limiting what she has been able give to you, was physically and emotional neglecting you and this is unfair and had very bad consequences .

Boundaries are difficult for you to enforce at the moment. Still you may want to have a few like what you share with her or not. Respect is critical - the more respect the less abuse and respect is closely linked to boundaries. You have limited energy. There is no point in spending in to bring about changes in others if it requires much effort - limiting (boundary) your energy expense on house internal drama may well be also a boundary.

The least expensive skill from an energy perspective is avoiding invalidation and it is highly effective. For that to do well you need to understand emotional regulation and practice validation. It is a skill - it requires practice (with pwBPD and othes). It can also help you a lot as it a major interpersonal skill asset also when moving out later. Focusing on validation makes it easier to recognize and avoid invalidation. Also practicing validation makes it easier to deflect invalidation from the pwBPD. Vocalizing the projected emotion helps your mind to recognize it as foreign and protects you. Validation is not agreeing or placating. It is not just for happy feelings but deals also with negative feelings. In my mind it is a bit like Judo - using the charging energy of the opponent to pull them down without bloodshed. Check out the workshops on validation here on the board and if you can watch the Fruzzetti video here: https://bpdfamily.blogspot.de/2013/06/validation-encouraging-peace-in-BPD.html .

Hanging in there  ,

a0

[Cassy]

Just curious, what are you being treated for? What neglect from childhood could result in cancer decades later? If she was working 5 - 6 days a week, why couldn't your father see to your needs? There were two adults in the house related to you and one full-time caregiver.

I think your first course of action should be to see a therapist for yourself.

But your mother sounds far more depressed than BPD. I don't know what to say about the nudity and intrusion into your showering like that, but you should have ran then.

I also don't think your mother's weight is anyone's business but hers. Lots of depressed people overeat and I'm sure her iPad is her escape. She had an emotionally unavailable husband (you mentioned on a newer post that he had Asperger's several times) and a daughter who resents her for past wrongs that may or may not have been all her doing. Now she can't even invite her other daughter to her home and have her grandchildren over (your other post)... . and you take it upon yourself to call your sister and make this decision. Why would you presume to do that? The reason I checked your other posts is because I wanted to know if you owned the house, but apparently you don't. The woman's life sounds like hell.

Nothing is going to change as long as you sit there focusing all this energy on past wrongs and perceived shortcomings of other people. Grab a mirror, take a good, long hard look in it, find a good therapist and go live your life. You are not going to change one minute of your past no matter how long you wallow in it.

[supergirl2]

Cassy, it's a lot more complicated and long to explain that I want to put on a public forum or that anyone wants to read. My mom is obviously depressed, you're correct with that intuition. She won't go anywhere or do anything, she doesn't even bathe very often and she cares about nothing, extending from herself to anyone and anything around her. The thing is that she has done so MANY things to me emotionally that are cruel regardless of whether they come from dysfunction or intention, and which she enacted despite her ability to know better. She has emotionally treated me like trash, used me as her emotional trash bin or suffer her wrath... it's like pick your poison, she has told me she "owns" me because she paid money while raising me, spoken that it's her right to treat me poorly if she wants to because of this, disregards any kind of boundaries, goes out of her way to make sexual comments that make me uncomfortable, has told me my own father doesn't love me when he clearly does, and much much more. What I've put down in writing in this post and the previous was far worse to experience. Words do no justice. I read as much of the book "walking on eggshells" as I could (it's contraband in this house) and it was like reading pages from my own childhood. She does it all, including projecting statements "Nobody loves me" etc. What may not have come across is that her negatively affecting behavior is ONGOING and escalates often.

The repercussions of her actions affecting my health will have life long negative effects including robbing me of the ability to have my own children, physical scars I will wear for the rest of my life, permanently damaged vision, and possible neuro nerve damage. That is if I survive. Anyone who isn't angry about something like that would have something much worse wrong with them.

I was 13 years old when she started walking in on me in the shower. I couldn't run then just as I can't run right now.

I don't actively spend all my time being angry with her, that's pouring energy into an empty bucket and ignores the effect of her behavior on me. I refuse for everything and everyone including myself to revolve around how she feels any longer. My entire life I have had to cater to her and her emotions and her problems and walk on eggshells, always waiting for the next tornado to hit. It's like dodging bullets and I'm done with that. When I stopped being so concerned with how she's behaving and reacting like I'm terrified of it, that's when she really bugged out and became increasingly intense in her actions and resentment. What I know I need to do to be as healthy as possible is understand her actions, on my own time apart from any type of interaction with her, why she behaves how she has and continues to behave, what was normal and what isn't. This will give me some sort of measurement and standard to go from. Understanding is going to be key for me, especially growing up in a family where any time I said "this isn't right." I was either ignored or told I was wrong and idiotic for having that opinion and punished with anger. Understanding it to me helps validate, and when that takes place, it takes place of whatever anger was there. It allows me to dismiss the ongoing particular negative behavior because it now makes sense and clearly isn't because of you.

I put a lot of effort into trying to "live" my life as much as possible even in these dire current circumstances. Small activities that enrich my soul whenever I feel able. Even riding in the car with just my dad to the doctor's is a stress reliever because he's a neutral person to be around. Everyone's BPD person they're around is going to be and act different, and what is hard to understand about my mom unless you've been around her is that she is INTENSE in every respect and anger seethes from every pore in her body. She could make the most relaxed person in the world feel anxious. She can get going almost like she's manic, going through bouts of overly intense excitement or usually judgmental anger with any world injustice, incessant loud and angry talking about said subject, fidgeting and tapping, lots of things, and then direct all that energy at emotionally attacking YOU. You always know it's coming but never when and it's cyclical (I have also wondered if she's rapid cycling bipolar. She refuses to get tested or see any kind of therapist for anything). When I was at college, I would come home and after being away from her for a month, I would realize how angry she was all the time and it was completely overpowering. In the summer, I remember calling my best friend all the time crying because I was no longer used to dealing with her actions and how mean she could be. It was a shock to the system and despite the stress of college, I had gotten used to the lack of constant stress and anger.

I have been and will likely continue to be home/hospitalbound for the duration of my treatment and however long it takes to recover, and I'll accept no less than being 100% emotionally healthy to live my life when the time comes to live again. That's why I'm at bpdfamily... to gain support and insight into the understanding of her actions that would stress a person out in the best of situations, and redefine what normal is and what should have been so the future has a properly calibrated compass to guide myself.

[Cassy]

None of those issues is treated with chemotherapy, though. You said you were undergoing chemotherapy in another post... . (that's why your sister could not visit with her children) because of your mother's neglect when you were a baby. What did your mother do to cause cancer decades later?

Your mother is right, no one does seem to love her, at least in the house she lives in (and apparently paid for, if your father didn't work)... . possibly your sister and her children, but you won't allow them into the house to nurture that relationship. So she lives with a daughter who despises her and a husband who is emotionally unavailable, both unable to care for themselves independently. She's trapped. Like I said, her life sounds like hell.

I also don't see how her weight, her daily habits of not leaving the house, or even not bathing are any concern of yours. You're suffering from cancer and undergoing chemotherapy and say your father is not capable of dealing with you because of Asperger's. I wouldn't be too fast to leave my daughter alone under those circumstances, either. You could have a medical crisis and be too weak to get help.

I think the #1 thing that will help you move forward and become emotionally healthy is to move out. If you're receiving chemotherapy, then you are also seeing various professionals who will ensure you're in a safe and healthy place for your recovery. Your social worker will be able to assist you with this and in setting you up with a therapist. Actually, since you have no job, this is probably the best time for you to make this move, since there are possibly more social programs available to you while you're undergoing treatment for cancer.

When you're out, then your sister and her children might be able to visit, or perhaps with more monetary resources your mother can hire a cleaner to come in, or she might feel free enough to leave the house and do something and many of your mother's issues might resolve themselves.

I'll keep you in my thoughts.

[nomom4me]

Yes, the silent treatment is familiar.  As I child (and at times as an adult) I don't feel I have my moms full attention, when she is being polite she seems to be going through the motions and not really listening.  Usually when she is polite to me she is laying groundwork to push a boundary, when I don't do what she want the way she wants it done I get silence, I am not invited to family events and she tells people she has "no idea what she (I) am doing".  I don't understand how she thinks this looks, extended family asks me why she doesn't like me.  No one ever asks me why I don't like her!