Don't break NC

[Clearmind]

Don't do it. I just spent 2 hours explaining to my exgf why she is a biatch... . she didn't get it.

Not sure I would want to hear that I was biatch and my reaction wouldn't be a good one either - I'm not BPD!

I also wanted my ex to get it and told him as much - that was so I could feel better about myself - I was not being kind to him by doing that. I roasted him and it was all self servicing to relinquish my own shame and guilt.

State85 - I understand you want her to get it however its not your role to do that. She needs to work things out for herself and you my friend need to process your role.

NC is good in the interim when emotions are really heightened. I have seen it many many times when members are NC for over 12 months, even 2 years and come back and post how they saw their ex and are devastated. NC does not help us detach. What helps us detach is recognising that we brought our own dysfunction to the relationship - that we need to heal from our past, issues, demons - call them what you will.

I'm not at all suggesting you are responsible for her behaviour - all I am suggesting is that we each are responsible for our stuff. Let her be responsible for hers and you for yours. You cannot control her or her reactions.

Be kind to you and be kind to her plight - she hurts a lot - exercising empathy and compassion for others means you can have the same for yourself.

[santa]

I've got a pretty good stretch of no contact going. It's been pretty easy for the most part. It has definitely helped me to feel better about things. There have been a few times that I've thought about contacting her, but ultimately chose not to. The next day, I'm always glad that I didn't.

It's a huge splash of cold water to the face to hear about these women getting restraining orders over the slightest attempt to contact them. That's the harsh reality of it. These BPDs are ruthless. You cannot make yourself vulnerable to them.

[shellsh0cked]

OgopogoDude, Lol! You actually think by forcing a BPD to watch themselves on a repeating clip of their bad behavior, something will sink in? Doubtful. My Bpd would say something like "Well, if you'd've only listened to me, I wouldn't have had to freak out like that! It's you that makes me nuts." Or, wait, wait #2 ….They are a victim, crying now …how I've hurt them by showing them such a tape. All of a sudden they will own their illness and I'm a horrible Monster for having duct taped a sick, mentally ill person to a chair, and they'd call the police, and show them tape marks on their wrists.  Sound about right? Thanks for making me smile…I think I made it another day N/C here on the east coast! Night, SMH

That's exactly what I was saying... . it would be your fault.  Thing is very few BPDs will ever acknowledge they have a problem... . so any attempt (and that was a bit extreme) of getting them to realize that anything they did was wrong... . or to accept any responsibility... . or not project all of that back on you... . is gonna fail.  So if ANY amount of recovery is in their future, THEY have to realize it is time for a change because of the negative impact it has on their relationships.  Unfortunately most of them will never see that because of the denial. 

[growing_wings]

Don't do it. I just spent 2 hours explaining to my exgf why she is a biatch... . she didn't get it.

NC is good in the interim when emotions are really heightened. I have seen it many many times when members are NC for over 12 months, even 2 years and come back and post how they saw their ex and are devastated. NC does not help us detach. What helps us detach is recognising that we brought our own dysfunction to the relationship - that we need to heal from our past, issues, demons - call them what you will.

clearmind, i agree, NC does not help us to detach. i came to that conclusion. You highlight a good point, detachment comes from recognizing our own demons and heal, very true, i am working on that and started therapy.

But for me, the process of detaching and letting her go, also includes me confirming she is a toxic person. Perhaps is a silly way to justify my need to talk to her, but i need to see her reactions, i need to see that she is indeed dysfunctional. is this mental?

[Free2Bee]

It's a huge splash of cold water to the face to hear about these women getting restraining orders over the slightest attempt to contact them. That's the harsh reality of it. These BPDs are ruthless. You cannot make yourself vulnerable to them.

Ditto here - when I read about the restraining orders, it gives me a pause. Not that I would contact her at this point, but it's a good incentive not to... .

[fromheeltoheal]

But for me, the process of detaching and letting her go, also includes me confirming she is a toxic person. Perhaps is a silly way to justify my need to talk to her, but i need to see her reactions, i need to see that she is indeed dysfunctional. is this mental?

Try and start to see her as a sick person and not a bad one.  Someone with the disorder just wants love like everyone else, but the trauma they suffered at a young age created a disorder that makes that extremely difficult for them, and the ways they choose to deal with it are largely maladaptive.

Do you need to see that she is dysfunctional, or do you need her to see it and agree with you?

[State85]

Don't do it. I just spent 2 hours explaining to my exgf why she is a biatch... . she didn't get it.

Not sure I would want to hear that I was biatch and my reaction wouldn't be a good one either - I'm not BPD!

I also wanted my ex to get it and told him as much - that was so I could feel better about myself - I was not being kind to him by doing that. I roasted him and it was all self servicing to relinquish my own shame and guilt.

State85 - I understand you want her to get it however its not your role to do that. She needs to work things out for herself and you my friend need to process your role.

NC is good in the interim when emotions are really heightened. I have seen it many many times when members are NC for over 12 months, even 2 years and come back and post how they saw their ex and are devastated. NC does not help us detach. What helps us detach is recognising that we brought our own dysfunction to the relationship - that we need to heal from our past, issues, demons - call them what you will.

I'm not at all suggesting you are responsible for her behaviour - all I am suggesting is that we each are responsible for our stuff. Let her be responsible for hers and you for yours. You cannot control her or her reactions.

Be kind to you and be kind to her plight - she hurts a lot - exercising empathy and compassion for others means you can have the same for yourself.

I never actually called her that. Think I just posted that at a moment of frustration I had with her. I’m trying to be NC, but she periodically contacts me to get sympathy. She is unemployed, has been for months. No unemployment coming in, says she is losing her house, her car, electricity going to be cut off. Texts me all this, saying I (State85) don’t care. But I know on the weekends she is out and living it up with my replacements (yes that is plural).

[growing_wings]

But for me, the process of detaching and letting her go, also includes me confirming she is a toxic person. Perhaps is a silly way to justify my need to talk to her, but i need to see her reactions, i need to see that she is indeed dysfunctional. is this mental?

Try and start to see her as a sick person and not a bad one.  Someone with the disorder just wants love like everyone else, but the trauma they suffered at a young age created a disorder that makes that extremely difficult for them, and the ways they choose to deal with it are largely maladaptive.

Do you need to see that she is dysfunctional, or do you need her to see it and agree with you?

fromheeltoheal... . if i see her as someone with a disorder that just wants to love like everyone else, i feel so much empathy i want to go back to her and hug her and take anything she throws at me... .    i know this is no good either.

i need to see her as a human person who desperately need love, but in the process of getting love, she destroys others, i was going down a deep dark hole when i was with her. that is what i meant with "Toxic". indeed ,not the right word, but i will feel tremendous empathy if i see them only as ill. i know they are ill, but they also destroy people  only that thought keeps me in NC. therfore i need to feed that thought until i fix my own crap i guess

[fromheeltoheal]

But for me, the process of detaching and letting her go, also includes me confirming she is a toxic person. Perhaps is a silly way to justify my need to talk to her, but i need to see her reactions, i need to see that she is indeed dysfunctional. is this mental?

Try and start to see her as a sick person and not a bad one.  Someone with the disorder just wants love like everyone else, but the trauma they suffered at a young age created a disorder that makes that extremely difficult for them, and the ways they choose to deal with it are largely maladaptive.

Do you need to see that she is dysfunctional, or do you need her to see it and agree with you?

fromheeltoheal... . if i see her as someone with a disorder that just wants to love like everyone else, i feel so much empathy i want to go back to her and hug her and take anything she throws at me... .   i know this is no good either.

i need to see her as a human person who desperately need love, but in the process of getting love, she destroys others, i was going down a deep dark hole when i was with her. that is what i meant with "Toxic". indeed ,not the right word, but i will feel tremendous empathy if i see them only as ill. i know they are ill, but they also destroy people  only that thought keeps me in NC. therfore i need to feed that thought until i fix my own crap i guess

I get it growing.  I feel a great love for that beautiful girl in my ex too, although I've accepted that she has a personality disorder, I can't fix it, and hanging around with it will just create massive pain for me, because the ways she copes with her disorder are maladaptive.  Once we accept it is what it is and we can't change it, radical acceptance it's called around here, it is possible to see her as a sick person and not a bad one, also realizing the sickness can be very dangerous for us and we need to keep clear of it.

Whatever it takes.  After I left her I made a list of all the unacceptable crap she pulled during the relationship and read it all the time, got pissed off at her, painted her as an evil btch, hated her, was disgusted by her, whatever it takes because we have strong mixed feelings, otherwise we wouldn't have stuck around for all the pain.  But it's been a while now and the emotions have waned and I've healed and grown a lot, so I can now see her as a sick person and not a bad one, someone who's doing her best to make it through life under very difficult circumstances, ones that can't be changed because they're between her ears.  And that's her stuff; I have plenty of my own to work on.  Take care a you!

[letmeout]

Making my list of all the unacceptable crap mine pulled and reading it a few times is what kept me from breaking N/C.  I knew if I went back that list would just keep growing. I don't think of him as Freddie Kruger anymore, just a sick person that I allowed to abuse me.