Hi missy,
Glad you started this thread. I’d love to hear more from others as well.
As far as my dxBPDh, a little about his history: He was in therapy at 14 and ended up in a mental health facility for youth (closed down now) for 3 months. There he realized if he acted “good”, they would let him go. They discharged him and told his Mom nothing was wrong. In 2005ish after me saying I just couldn't do it anymore, he got therapy, got diagnosed with BPD, was put on anti-psychotic medicine, and the results of the medicine was not good at all… which resulted in him ending therapy within a few months. In 2006 while I was living on the other side of the country for a year (partly to get away from him), he got therapy from his Psychiatrist from the youth mental health facility (only mental health person he trusts at this point) for 6 months 2x a week and got him nowhere.
Fast forward a little…
About 4 years ago, I started psychodynamic therapy at a local university. Within 2 years, I was amazed. Both of us realized I was in a much better mental state and this would be the boost to hold on. He moved in with me and agreed to get therapy again. It took 4 months for that same university to deny him as a patient saying they couldn’t treat him effectively. So, we tracked down another university clinic who performed CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). After his disappointment from his rejection from the psychodynamic clinic, we instead started out with couples therapy but went south after 3 sessions and quit. I realized it wouldn’t work anyway without him getting individual therapy first. Although he resisted, he visited a CBT therapist at the same clinic for a few sessions but quit as soon as he could tell she was 1) lying and 2) telling him that what he wanted to change (his interest in other women) was OK. After this, he said he will never do therapy again, I didn’t accept him for who he was, and didn’t love him because of it. So although he made good progress this year of living together, I had regressed big time, knew it only going downhill, and he moved out last year.
Since then, I have continued my therapy (was in CBT but switched back to psychodynamic), started attending BPD family support groups (eventually my S16 started to go too on his own!), and using this board. My mental/emotional health continues to improve. My S16 just recently asked to start therapy too after saying he would never do it… sign to me that I must have reached a new level of consistency
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OK so last weekend, my ex said he wants to move back in and do therapy once his lease is up. Although I know it is partly him just wanting a safer haven and not be alone (still playing the role of his mother here), I am feeling more confident. I have to stay in a place where I take care of me (i.e. keep friends, therapy, etc.), reduce my disordered thinking!, don’t absorb his stuff, taking less personally while letting him know (using the tools here) what hurts me and taking whatever action I need to cope (i.e. not sleep in the same bed if he can’t stop watching porn) in the meantime even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone else.
I was really concerned though about effective therapy for him especially since we have so little money. At this point, we need the best treatment available. He can’t keep going in and out and failing… it’s too hard on him and all of us. When I was feeling low about this, wallah! I got an e-mail today that a local NAMI chapter is having a session next week on DBT and resources in the area. It’s like my prayers were answered.
On a side note of me playing the role of his mother, I’ve realized I can only slowly move out of this role. I’ve tried for years to make a quick break but would never work because of my mental health condition and his.
So, I hope to come back in another year or so with some good news on his progress!
