Bpd: job change crying, stress, infidelity

[Changingman]

I have noticed since detaching from my ex, that when a job change happened ( transfered, new ) she would stress out and seek an affair. I now realise the lies and actions of when she was involved.

Looking back the bigger the change the harder she took it and the more psychotic she got.

Then suddenly a calmer period took over, with just how people hated her, normal crisis day to day stuff.

Has anyone else noticed these times, looking back.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes.  My ex could be reasonably stable when she was in control of her little world, but when something happened to stir that up she would get rattled easily, and she had very little clue about how the world works in general, so it didn't take much.  There was also a higher chance she'd cheat then too, because sex was one of the ways she soothed; I almost began to prefer that, since the alternative was to rage to high heaven, and find reasons to go to doctors and get more meds.

[allweareisallweare]

I totally ID with this. My exDBPD moved countries for a new job, which led to the ultimate engineering of a breakup - it's a trigger. God only knows, I wish I knew, but God only knows why it triggers BPD overdrive. Pressure's no excuse whatsoever for infidelity, and I know it's over now and all of that, but I feel she just used the new relationship as an excuse to eventually appease her mother who'd be mad that she failed at the job, which no doubt happened and I think so is the case for the rebound. This is BPD for you, five and a half years of my life, it just became a landslide at that point. They can't handle pressure or responsibilty. They are disordered. We may adapt, they may not. We may cope, they may not. And it's a lifetime.

[Changingman]

Yeah, even moving home she would cry and stress out, I was trying to get her to make some small changes/responsibilities in her life instead of always claiming work commitments prevented her.

That went down well

At the estate agents she phoned weeping and panicking about the agent wanting her to commit. Total breakdown panic.

She is now managing a place, I now realise she couldn't manage a cup of tea. She is already leaving to run a restaurant.

I wondered why I thought she could be a manager, oh that's right... . she told me. Her last place wouldn't make her a manager, they gave her a try after I got her straighter.

She tanked after 2 months of psychotic panicking and they had to move her back to an assistant position. This was followed by how everyone hated her at the new place and the first affair. I found out immediately and said let's split up amicably. After forcing her to admit it. We didn't do anything we were too drunk. What a fool I was to try again.

She seemed so hurt and honest about wanting to continue. I said everyone is entitled to one mistake. Oh lord what messed up thinking. She just got better at walking around my boundaries.

Yes  fromheeltoheal clueless to almost everything.

Allweare you're right, such stinky thinking and decisions it became a Landslide of cr-p, she had to run and hide from it. The covert sadism at that period was shattering when the fog lifted. Just Hatred and enjoyment of my distress, wow, I didn't think she was at all capable of it.

Who the hell is she? Just a twisted set of disorders running around messing up any room she is in.

Stalk, seduce, obsess, control, mess up, create friction, hate, destroy, run, start again, repeat.

[Waifed]

Yeah, even moving home she would cry and stress out, I was trying to get her to make some small changes/responsibilities in her life instead of always claiming work commitments prevented her.

That went down well

At the estate agents she phoned weeping and panicking about the agent wanting her to commit. Total breakdown panic.

She is now managing a place, I now realise she couldn't manage a cup of tea. She is already leaving to run a restaurant.

I wondered why I thought she could be a manager, oh that's right... . she told me. Her last place wouldn't make her a manager, they gave her a try after I got her straighter.

She tanked after 2 months of psychotic panicking and they had to move her back to an assistant position. This was followed by how everyone hated her at the new place and the first affair. I found out immediately and said let's split up amicably. After forcing her to admit it. We didn't do anything we were too drunk. What a fool I was to try again.

She seemed so hurt and honest about wanting to continue. I said everyone is entitled to one mistake. Oh lord what messed up thinking. She just got better at walking around my boundaries.

Yes  fromheeltoheal clueless to almost everything.

Allweare you're right, such stinky thinking and decisions it became a Landslide of cr-p, she had to run and hide from it. The covert sadism at that period was shattering when the fog lifted. Just Hatred and enjoyment of my distress, wow, I didn't think she was at all capable of it.

Who the hell is she? Just a twisted set of disorders running around messing up any room she is in.

Stalk, seduce, obsess, control, mess up, create friction, hate, destroy, run, start again, repeat.

That was the hardest for me.  When you think you know someone for 3 years and realize the real her is a mystery, your mind becomes totally confused.  I could handle all of the BS, but not the cheating.

[shellsh0cked]

Yes.  My ex could be reasonably stable when she was in control of her little world, but when something happened to stir that up she would get rattled easily, and she had very little clue about how the world works in general, so it didn't take much.  There was also a higher chance she'd cheat then too, because sex was one of the ways she soothed; I almost began to prefer that, since the alternative was to rage to high heaven, and find reasons to go to doctors and get more meds.

That's when you know it is WAY past time for you to GTFO my friend... . when you would rather her go screw someone than rage on you.  I hadn't gotten to that level, but both were extremely painful options.  Mine also "soothed"         like that... . tramp.  "I had to do it... . to get over you... " or "You made me feel so unattractive that I had to... . I hated it, but I had to"... . whatever... . Go to hell whore.  Your warped thinking is pathetic... . and disgusting.

[Waifed]

  "I had to do it... . to get over you... "


WOW! That is what my ex said word for word when I caught her.  I asked her why she was trying to get over me when we were still dating! What is that all about?

[shellsh0cked]

 "I had to do it... . to get over you... "


WOW! That is what my ex said word for word when I caught her.  I asked her why she was trying to get over me when we were still dating! What is that all about?

Oh no... . mine would have a psycho rage... . decide she was "done" and use it as an excuse to screw some guy... . that way it wasn't "cheating"... . We weren't together... . Sorry I don't tick like that.  I don't go off and have sex with strangers 2 hours after a break up.  Sicko

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes.  My ex could be reasonably stable when she was in control of her little world, but when something happened to stir that up she would get rattled easily, and she had very little clue about how the world works in general, so it didn't take much.  There was also a higher chance she'd cheat then too, because sex was one of the ways she soothed; I almost began to prefer that, since the alternative was to rage to high heaven, and find reasons to go to doctors and get more meds.

That's when you know it is WAY past time for you to GTFO my friend... . when you would rather her go screw someone than rage on you.  I hadn't gotten to that level, but both were extremely painful options.  Mine also "soothed"         like that... . tramp.  "I had to do it... . to get over you... " or "You made me feel so unattractive that I had to... . I hated it, but I had to"... . whatever... . Go to hell whore.  Your warped thinking is pathetic... . and disgusting.

Yeah, that was near the end, and the really disgusting part to me was I was still there at all, and actually felt at the time that if I could do something, anything, differently, she wouldn't have to do what she did.  What a sick situation.  I'm out, I'm healing now, live and learn.  Whew!

[irishmarmot]

Just think a year from now, how good you will feel to be out.  Because that's what everyone one says.  Haven't read anyone say I recycled and I am happy with her/him now.

[Free2Bee]

My ex was triggered by any kind of stress. Sad thing, she *knew* this and could see it coming, but couldn't seem to control her rages or reactions despite the awareness.

It got to the point where I was instantly hypervigilant any time there was a stressor in her life. It was a very uncomfortable, unpleasant way to live... . feeling like I was on the edge of disaster every time anything happened that was even slightly out of the ordinary.

It's a relief to be clear of that stuff.

[Ironmanrises]

Stress was the catalyst alongside intimacy/closeness that sparked the fire of the transformation into the other side. In my case, into Medusa.

[shellsh0cked]

My ex was triggered by any kind of stress. Sad thing, she *knew* this and could see it coming, but couldn't seem to control her rages or reactions despite the awareness.

It got to the point where I was instantly hypervigilant any time there was a stressor in her life. It was a very uncomfortable, unpleasant way to live... . feeling like I was on the edge of disaster every time anything happened that was even slightly out of the ordinary.

It's a relief to be clear of that stuff.

Let me guess... . that awareness also came with a sickening feeling in your gut too... . like you were ready to puke?  And you're standing by with your blanket, water bucket, fire extinguisher... . whatever you have on hand to try to put out that fire?  That was my life too man.  Mine just didn't give a damn though... . because everything that was wrong in her life was everybody else's fault.  So, I am not sure whether she saw it "coming" or not... . I just think she really didn't GAF.  Like you I am so glad to be away from her.  You know what sucks though?  In my new relationship everything is GREAT!  But I'm still on guard waiting for a "fire".  That kind of abuse reaction takes time to fully subside I guess... .

[Changingman]

6+ months of infidelity while telling me she loved me etc lying.

How could she justify that... . ready?

' we haven't been going out really for a year '

Now that's denial!

[Tobefree]

I knew he lied about things that don't even matter but I wanted to believe him. I was in love with a mirage.

I suspected he was drinking again or cheating in 2009. When he had an OWI in 2009 I KNEW he was still drinking... . but I stayed for another four years.

When I learned he was cheating (2013), I could no longer stay. When I look back with open eyes, I think he cheated on me (21 years ago) with the same woman with whom he cheated on his first wife. 

He recently called another cheater "a bum".

[shellsh0cked]

I knew he lied about things that don't even matter but I wanted to believe him. I was in love with a mirage.

I suspected he was drinking again or cheating in 2009. When he had an OWI in 2009 I KNEW he was still drinking... . but I stayed for another four years.

When I learned he was cheating (2013), I could no longer stay. When I look back with open eyes, I think he cheated on me (21 years ago) with the same woman with whom he cheated on his first wife.  

He recently called another cheater "a bum".

My xgf constantly accused me of looking at other women.  Yet during the course of our "relationship", which was on and off like a light switch, she slept with 3... maybe 4 guys besides me.  Pathetic that anyone would tolerate that kind of sh!t huh?  Her stand on it was that it was fine because we "weren't together"... . hours after a fight... . would justify her actions... . like it was NOTHING... . that screwing other guys is much more morally sound than what she (wrongly) accused me of.  You ask me... . that's textbook projecting... . "I am not a whore... . YOU ARE!"  I could never get it across to her how horrible that made me feel... . how betrayed I felt... . how much that hurt me!  How sick it made me thinking of anyone besides me putting their hands on her.  She could not process that anger and hurt I had felt... . amazing ... .

[DreamGirl]

changingman,

Being cheated on is really difficult. It hurts, especially when you've done so much for someone and they still go outside of the relationship to feel connected to someone else. Believe me, I know that pain.  

I just wonder if your ex was sexually abused?

BPD is a mood regulation disorder - so having difficulty regulating emotions (stress caused by change) makes a lot of sense. Her patterns of overreacting to otherwise normal life changes would be a behavior that definitely fits a BPD coping skill.

The infidelity though, where she's self soothing by having sex, isn't necessarily conducive of Borderline Personality Disorder. The risky behavior is but it also sounds like an adult manifestation of being a childhood victim of sexual abuse.

It just sometimes helps to know that it wasn't really about you not doing or being enough for her. She's the proverbial unfillable cup. She looks outwardly for what she can't give herself and if she struggles with sexual promiscuity, there's probably a more profound reason then just being disordered.

It doesn't make it hurt any less though.

~DG

[Changingman]

I have wondered about child abuse, she was extremely promiscuous before me 54 partners, couple of girls, a prostitute. Suspect a lot more while with me.

Brought up in pubs dad an alcoholic, mum not really all there.

Left in a hotel when young that turned out to bea brothel hotel

Could easily have been abused, maybe not.

Loved sexualising herself, objectifying herself.

Who knows she lies about everything