need assistance to understand supportive vs. enabling

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello. I'm really new at this, so I apologize if this isn't the place to ask, or if i'm not asking correctly.

My wife and I are in the very early stages of divorce, and have been for a month. theres no physical contact (her choice) and she sleeps elsewhere, but we are generally around each other throughout the day. Here is my dilema because of the situation. She told me from the beginning that she wanted to get a job and be independant without my support. Unfortunately, she doesn't have job experience (she's 26, but has been a stay at home mom) and isn't able to find a job so far. On top of that, I'm paying for her gas to get back and forth to watch the kids throughout the day while I'm at work. I also pay for her cell phone since it's been on our family plan. As an example, the other day she blew through 1/2 a tank of gas in 4 days. Is there a way to set boundries here and not be enabling? She knows that if she uses all her gas, i'll have to get her more since she is pretty much my only option to get the kids to school and take care of them. Same with her phone, she knows I need to get ahold of her. She is currently staying with friends or at my mothers home at night, so I feel like she is getting to live out her choice with zero consequences of that choice, and I'm really at a loss of what I can do to stop enabling and start setting boundries. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[floggindave]

Hello. I'm really new at this, so I apologize if this isn't the place to ask, or if i'm not asking correctly.

My wife and I are in the very early stages of divorce, and have been for a month. theres no physical contact (her choice) and she sleeps elsewhere, but we are generally around each other throughout the day. Here is my dilema because of the situation. She told me from the beginning that she wanted to get a job and be independant without my support. Unfortunately, she doesn't have job experience (she's 26, but has been a stay at home mom) and isn't able to find a job so far. On top of that, I'm paying for her gas to get back and forth to watch the kids throughout the day while I'm at work. I also pay for her cell phone since it's been on our family plan. As an example, the other day she blew through 1/2 a tank of gas in 4 days. Is there a way to set boundries here and not be enabling? She knows that if she uses all her gas, i'll have to get her more since she is pretty much my only option to get the kids to school and take care of them. Same with her phone, she knows I need to get ahold of her. She is currently staying with friends or at my mothers home at night, so I feel like she is getting to live out her choice with zero consequences of that choice, and I'm really at a loss of what I can do to stop enabling and start setting boundries. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Tayto]

What do you feel is the right thing to do.

How much gas is needed to pick up the kids ?

Can you limit the phone calls to specific numbers ?

Can you ban international calls ?

Hotline numbers ?

[floggindave]

I cant limit the phone to specific numbers and she isnt calling international or hotline numbers. as far as the gas is concerned, if she runs out, theres no one there for the kids, so its kind of a catch 22. its hard to impose a limit on something youre forced into doing. im not really sure what I can do

[Tayto]

I know it may sound mad but id just pretend the gas and phone are for my kids. This way it separates you frim feeling that you are been taking for a ride.

in my opinion you are being responsible as you know she needs both phone and gas.

[floggindave]

that may be a better way for me to look at it. theres just so little to set up boundaries with that its pretty much all I have in terms of allowing her to see the consequences of her actions. currently, she doesnt have to face what the choice means

[Tayto]

Trying to make someone with BPD see things in a reasonable manner is like trying to drive a nail into water in the hope it will grip it like wood.

[guitarguy09]

Trying to make someone with BPD see things in a reasonable manner is like trying to drive a nail into water in the hope it will grip it like wood.

This is so true. Trying to reason with them rationally is about the hardest thing to do in the world. I have gotten used to the fact that arguing with a BPD or uBPD as my wife is does absolutely no good most of the time.

[duncanville1]

They also very much enjoy taking the victim roll, by doing this they justify their behavior with entitlement. It sounds to me she has the best of both worlds, you providing for her needs, but then she has no responsibilities in the relationship. Its a very one sided dance.   

[Grey Kitty]

I've got a couple more questions about your situation before I offer you any suggestions:

Are you happy with her choice to live elsewhere right now?

Are you expecting to support her (alimony + child support) after the divorce?

Is your income sufficient to continue paying her gas money and cell phone bill?

Is there anything about your current situation you would like to change besides these expenses?

[Chosen]

if she runs out, theres no one there for the kids, so its kind of a catch 22. its hard to impose a limit on something youre forced into doing. im not really sure what I can do

When you set boundaries, you kind of have to give up the expectation that things will be done.  Because if she knows that xxx (e.g. picking up kids) have to be completed, then she knows that you have "no choice" but to give her extra money for gas.  If you're strict on this boundary, perhaps it's time to look for a Plan B- what you will do to have the kids picked up if she doesn't have any gas left.  Best if the plan doesn't involve her, otherwise she'll wreck your plans just to get more gas.  For example, when she runs out of the weeks' supply of gas, then somebody else will be arranged to pick the kids up, and you will not refill her tank, or something like that.

You're right- there has to be consequences for her to know that your boundaries are serious.