Never was in a relationship, Was I?

[Changingman]

Wasn't in a relationship at all, lived together, had sex, drank, ate, went out, but never was really together, the idealisation stage was a fantasy. 4 years of nothing. Was it enough for me, just confused codependency. She was going through the motions of being normal, whatever that meant.

There was no love, I had to provide that as well.

[Numbers]

I've read a great quote, probably on this board:

"you were never her boyfriend, it was just your turn to be with her"

Sounds bitter, but there is actually a certain calm surrounding this concept.

[Changingman]

Yes that sounds about right.

Maybe all their relationships with friends as well.

Christ ! Crazy!

[RecycledNoMore]

You gaveth... .

And the pwBPD taketh away... .

Untill your a dried up husk of a woman posting on a godam website trying to understand the disordered mind of her abusive ex partner!&$$$**&$'**

Oh sorry... . having a lil moment:)

I Get how your feeling mate, its tough realising your dream was actually just that, a dream.

[Ironmanrises]

Actually, you were in a relationship. With a pwBPD, though, the relationship cannot sustain itself. The good and the bad.

[growing_wings]

yes, you were in a relationship... . but with a dysfunctional individual. 

their friendships are no different, i think all the people surrounding them  is just taking turns (except their family). Once one of them stop playing their game, they are expelled from the BPD world without a second thought in search of a new "best friend" or a new "boyfriend/girlfriend", etc... . , people they know are just brought back to their BPD world when they need or want something.  they are the dysfunctional person who cant have a functional r/s, but we can have a normal functional relationship if we look for it... .

dont dwell too much on that. you are asking an apple tree to grow pears...

[Ironmanrises]

Dysfunctional once the ingredient of closeness/intimacy was added to the friendship/relationship. The whole relationship wasn't just the devaluation phase. And that applies if you were friends with the pwBPD prior to a relationship forming as was my case. As much as I detest and have such anger for how I allowed my exUBPDgf to treat me in 2 rounds of idealization and devaluation, 3 if you include friendship, she was quite an agreeable person, when her emotional baseline was normal.

[Waifed]

Wasn't in a relationship at all, lived together, had sex, drank, ate, went out, but never was really together, the idealisation stage was a fantasy. 4 years of nothing. Was it enough for me, just confused codependency. She was going through the motions of being normal, whatever that meant.

There was no love, I had to provide that as well.

Changing

You were definitely in a relationship.  Both sides viewed it as a relationship.  Your ex just has a different perspective on things.  She loved you, but her way of loving is like a child loves a parent.  It was still love.

[bpdspell]

4 years of nothing. There was no love, I had to provide that as well.

Be careful my friend. Be easy on yourself with compassion. You deserve it.

Your relationship was real. And the love was real. You simply were in a relationship with a mentally ill person who because of their disorder lacks the capacity to reciprocate your needs.

You may have behaved co-dependent but you still were exploited by a BPD narcissist. You were both tango partners in a toxic dance.

In a ways when we learn about BPD and read the experiences of others our thinking can go into shock overload and get fatalistic. Then the slippery slope happens:

"I didn't matter" evolves to "I don't matter."

"The relationship meant nothing to them" evolves to "I mean nothing."

"The ex dumped me" evolves to "I am worthless to my ex." therefore "I'm worthless."

"She/He didn't love me" evolves to "I'm not lovable."

"My relationship didn't work" evolves to "I'm will never feel happy with someone again."

None of the aforementioned are true yet we someone come to these black and white conclusions based on our own triggered Family of Origin issues. Many of us on this board have our own extremes ourselves sometimes as we sort out and try to label every nuance of the time we spent with our ex.

Please do not rely your sense of worth to be based on how your relationship unraveled or how your ex treated you. Many of us have a spectrum of codependency but it doesn't mean we are doomed or that we aren't' good people who simply have a bit personal inventory work to do.

Spell

[shellsh0cked]

Sure you were... . Like the others said, it was dysfunctional.  Mainly because BPDs don't really have the capacity to "love" like normal people do (whatever that means!) .  They THINK they do, and they place us SO high on the pedestal during a time a high value... . this is where we get HOOKED.  No one has EVER loved us like this... . Now, we are all here for a reason... . because we have been devalued, hurt and emotionally destroyed by this person because of the devaluation stage... . How could someone that loved us SO much toss us away like this?  

 I think we all understand.  I mean, I have been dumped plenty of times in my 42 years, but this BPD one was MUCH more painful than any of the others.  You will get through it... . and may even laugh your f#ckin $$ off too at some parts of it later... . because they are so ridiculous.  For me the only real remaining emotion for me is resentment... . of her and myself for letting it happen like it did.  That and the damage done to my brain when it comes to trusting another woman completely.  Fortunately for me my new girlfriend is breaking those barriers down.

BPDspell... . my therapist told me to be careful on that slope like you mention.  You can become more like a BPD yourself by that type of negative (I am worthless) thinking.  I don't think anyone that has suffered through a BPD would wish that treatment on ANYONE!

[Pretty Woman]

Changingman,

    You were in a relationship... . it takes two but was it healthy?

No.

A BPD is a learning experience. If you haven't experienced this before you have no idea what you are getting in to. As others have mentioned don't beat yourself up. Going through this has made you realize (I hope) you need to make changes. Water seeks it's own level... . you were attracted to this person and she to you because of similar attributes. Unfortunately that is what made this toxic.

When my therapist told me this I was a little defensive. How dare she tell me I am similar to my crazy ex. I didn't leave her six times and cheat on her. How can I be similar to that?

But you see... . I allowed it. A normal, healthy person would have walked away at the first red flag. They have enough self respect they wouldn't subject themself to this.

Keep that in mind. She is worse (for sure) but you need to fix something (hopefully through therapy) so the next girl is a winner (which she will be... . because she is with a great guy... . YOU)!

[Changingman]

Thanks everyone,

I'm starting to value myself more, but I can see the dark lie throughout the relationship. I know it's the disorder but I can't see anything else to her now, her film loves were BPD, the sex was BPD, went on about taxidermy, accidents, emotional storms, drink, drugs, work problems, the dogs were paranoid, the house a mess, keys left in doors, unconscious at night, psychotic episodes, everything a crisis, self harming 'accidents', literally no philosophy about anything but how she dressed and looked, sadness, look after me take me home, over flattery/hatred, jealousy making, flirtatious, provoking, raging, kind of dumb about common sense, adolescence humour, twisted face, odd RSs with ex boyfriends, addicted to almost everything, unfaithful emotionally and physically, pathological liar.

I can see all the mirroring clear as day now. The sadism of the last 7+ months was chilling when I look back. Almost total destruction of me, the home and the dogs.

Trying to think of any real reason I stayed with her, pity, puzzle solving, sex? The fantasy she spun of playful acceptance of me. I know I have issues now and it has brought them to the surface.

She was definitely on the psychotic side of the spectrum.

I feel I needed to know something about her, something important.

Turns out it was about me.

my xW and mom have BPD it all makes sense.

I am looking at a real mirror now.

F*** it's a cold dish, am enjoying not having the madness around though.

[seeking balance]

You have had some good insight into what the relationship was... . as hard as it is to do, try to be kind to you in this process of grief.

I am looking at a real mirror now.

F*** it's a cold dish, am enjoying not having the madness around though.

Accepting the BPD relationship was the tip of the iceberg for me; once I had to look at my FOO with an entirely new lens and realize that I had some major changes to make too... . it was sobering to say the least.

FOO patterns take some time to overcome - I mean, they had us at our formative years when you think about - so it will take more than a few months to break it down, process and reprogram our thoughts and actions... . it is a process, not perfection.

Hang in there Changingman!

SB

[winston72]

Sometimes a thread just stops me cold.  I want to respond, need to respond, but am so broadly impacted that I don't know what to say.  And it is always a surprise and not usually indicated by the title.  Oh, my.

CM, "I feel I needed to know something about her, something important.

Turns out it was about me.

my xW and mom have BPD it all makes sense.

I am looking at a real mirror now."

That compulsion to know something about her... . that describes something so deep and visceral in me, and it does turn out to be me I am compelled to discover.  My mother was BPD.  I am looking at the mirror, although seeing the images only dimly.

BPDSpell, I fell into every one of those references about myself.  Yikes!  Taken me months upon months to start sorting it out.  

And PW, yes, I have so many similar attributes.  It was hard to accept that because my behavior was not so egregious, and I wanted the focus to be on how badly her behavior hurt me.  But, as that throbbing has slowed, I am seeing this.  Of course, it draws me closer to her because I feel more sympathetic!  But, that is another issue.

Words and terms matter.  I am learning to be careful how I use them, and what I use in my inner dialogue. 

Thank you, all, for being candid about your lives and striving for meaning in the company of others on this site.  It is so very valuable.  

[Changingman]

Yes Winston, what a shocker, our own mothers.

I remember reading

The baby who doesn't cry.

Why is this? it's natural to cry as a baby to get needs met.

Could it be the baby doesn't cry because it's learnt not to !


And yes I think the way you talk to yourself internally is of immense importance, think of the hidden voice of the BPD.

Love to everyone