Is stating facts still JADEing?

[Depression = 72% of members]

He is mad at me about money.

I explained to him that the rent from our tenants (my family who he hates - bad move I know but better than no tenants) was going to be late this month. Last Thursday he told me he needed $800 the next day so I rounded up half their rent and told him the rest would come later.

This morning he saw the text message from my relative saying that they would give me x amount the next day and that they were tight.

Now he's saying that despite us discussing it I am not communicating with him and "When were you going to tell me they couldn't pay the rent?"

Is reminding him about the facts in this case the same as JADEing? How do I respond when he is accusing me of deceiving him despite having spelled it out a few times through the month?

How do I comfort him and empathize when his problem is with me and something he thinks I didn't do but I did?

Anyone else have constant financial arguments? (Ie he spends money frivolously then gets pissed at me cus I can't manage the budget) How did you resolve it?

[PacifistMom]

He is mad at me about money.

I explained to him that the rent from our tenants (my family who he hates - bad move I know but better than no tenants) was going to be late this month. Last Thursday he told me he needed $800 the next day so I rounded up half their rent and told him the rest would come later.

This morning he saw the text message from my relative saying that they would give me x amount the next day and that they were tight.

Now he's saying that despite us discussing it I am not communicating with him and "When were you going to tell me they couldn't pay the rent?"

Is reminding him about the facts in this case the same as JADEing? How do I respond when he is accusing me of deceiving him despite having spelled it out a few times through the month?

How do I comfort him and empathize when his problem is with me and something he thinks I didn't do but I did?

Anyone else have constant financial arguments? (Ie he spends money frivolously then gets pissed at me cus I can't manage the budget) How did you resolve it?

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[elemental]

I don't know if it is JADEing.

You could just not respond to it, as it is probably just the beginning of a circular argument. He has the information now. I totally get that you feel like, hey wait a minute you told him already and now he is blaming at you when he already was told.

If you responded, tell him " I told you this 4 days ago." and leave it at that. If he tries to argue, enforce a boundry of not getting sucked into needless drama by excusing yourself to go do other things and leave him to sort his upset out on his own.

[SweetCharlotte]

The only way my uBPDh and I function is by having separate economic worlds. He makes a good salary but has a ton of debts from before our r/s that he pays back month by month. I also have my income and I take care of expenses for my kids and me. We are a long-distance/commuter marriage.

I'm not sure how things would go if we pooled our incomes and expenditures. We each have expenses that the other views as frivolous. It's good that we don't have to defend each and every item to the other.

Your tenants are your relatives (whom he dislikes) and now they are somewhat delinquent. That is bound to trigger him. Perhaps, like any business transaction, it should all be put in writing. Write them a letter as soon as rent is past due and CC your husband. Print out any text message in which they ask for an extension. Respond to them in writing and CC your husband. It doesn't sound like there is a lease, but there should at least be a renter's agreement that stipulates deadlines, late fees, etc. I hope they do not make a habit of non-payment.

[Chosen]

I would use SET to state the fact.

S: I can hear that you're upset about the rent not coming in.

E: Yeah I'd be upset too if my partner didn't tell me the rent was going to be late.

T: I told you they needed to pay their rent late last Thursday.

I would stick to this, and repeat the same thing if necessary.  I wouldn't add more "details" to when you told him, and under what circumstances... . they always find ways to show you haven't done it properly. 

That said, you have to be prepared that he may not accept your version of the truth.  The important thing is that you have stated your version of the truth.  You may not be able to come to a concensus, and don't try to get him to accept your truth, which will certainly turn into JADE.

[waverider]

JADE is when you tell the facts. They are not accepted so you try to add "more" in an attempt to convince. Invariably you know when you are doing it because you feel pressured and uncomfortable. The ultimate end result is your excuses get more "debatable" and the other person then twist the whole issue so it is about these more shaky issues rather than the real issue