Does your BPD hijack (what should be) your emotional responses?

[ATLandon]

I'm still trying to figure out if my wife is BPD, as it seems she has many of the qualifying characteristics. Anyways, with that said I'm wondering if those of you with a diagnosed BPD spouse/family member have experience with your Borderline taking on emotions that really aren't theirs to experience.

For example, one of my sisters and I have had a very strained relationship as adults and said sister has been less than welcoming of my wife since first meeting her. Last year I was actively working on making my relationship improve with my sister and we had a small spat. I didn't personally think anything of it. The following day I was on FaceBook with my wife, showing her a photo I was tagged in from my childhood with my sister. I realized that my sister wasn't tagged, which I though was odd since my mother posted it and tagged me and an other sister. When I checked my sister's FB page I realized she had unfriended me since our spat. I was stunned over the pettiness of the situation and a little hurt but still trying to piece together what had happened between us and how to act next. But, of course, my wife was witnessing all of this and it became a full affront attack by my sister toward me. My wife then started telling me just exactly how terrible it should make me feel and criticized me when I disagreed on how it should make me feel. Then she started pressuring me on getting even with her and how I needed to publicly shame her on FB and so on and so on.

Ya know, all I ever really want from my wife when my feelings are hurt is for her to be quiet and listen to me. Instead of telling me how I should feel, I would simply like for her to ask how a situation makes me feel and respect my responses. I want to be able to experience my own emotions without any influence or trying pacify/nurse her because of what happened to me is so emotionally overwhelming for her. It is so selfish. Some days I truly hate living with someone who is so self-involved. I've just learned to not tell her about things that are troublesome to me (if I can help it) so that I can have some time in my own head to process things without all of her background noise. It sucks because I genuinely just want my wife's support when I'm hurt or overwhelmed but it just feels like too much to ask for.

So... . has anyone else experienced something like this?

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[Murbay]

Very much so and could be quite scary at times.

I would often be raged at because I wasn't showing the same emotion as her for things that were my own issues. It was a double edged sword in some respects because I eventually kept my own issues to myself so as not to provoke a reaction from her. Then I was accused of keeping secrets, which technically was true, not because I wanted to but because I didn't need to be told how it should make me feel. I'm a very calm and non-confrontational person so when something upsets me or frustrates me, I step back, look at the big picture, decide if it is something worth worrying about and if it is, plan my steps accordingly to deal with the problem. My exBPDw would blow at any opportunity, hatred, anger and rage towards the other person and then turn on me for not acting the same way she was. She even went as far as telling me I had the problem because her reactions were perfectly normal. Funny thing was T didn't agree 

One time, she tried telling me one of my friends had been insulting her and I needed to "sort her out". Told her it was unacceptable behaviour and that I would speak to my friend and find out why. She raged because I didn't get angry, throw chairs, block my friend on Facebook and send her a nasty message to say I was never speaking to her again.

It wasn't just personal either, it happened at any time. A couple of years ago when there was the primary school shooting in the US, she was at her worst. It was a very tragic event and my heart went out to all of those involved. The way my exBPDw acted over it, you honestly would have thought she was either there or knew people involved. She had no connection whatsoever to it but it didn't stop her acting like she did. Even going as far as emailing some of the survivors to tell them how she was feeling. I'm ex military and had my military photo up in the house. She raged over that and how inconsiderate I was for having been a soldier when several thousand miles away people had been shot. Her reactions to it were on the extreme side to say the least.

[Love Is Not Enough]

A couple of years ago when there was the primary school shooting in the US, she was at her worst. It was a very tragic event and my heart went out to all of those involved. The way my exBPDw acted over it, you honestly would have thought she was either there or knew people involved. She had no connection whatsoever to it but it didn't stop her acting like she did. Even going as far as emailing some of the survivors to tell them how she was feeling. I'm ex military and had my military photo up in the house. She raged over that and how inconsiderate I was for having been a soldier when several thousand miles away people had been shot. Her reactions to it were on the extreme side to say the least.

WOW

They also like to help others, which always amazes me since many times they are unable to help themselves. I have never thought about it as emotion hijacking before, but that makes sense. My gf wanted to become a CASA member to advocate for children. While I think this is a great cause, she zero time for this working full time with two toddlers at home. I was finally able to talk her out of it by pointing out to her that it would be better to focus all of her energy into her children. I have often wondered if it is some type of projection where they wished someone had helped them when they were abused or neglected as children.

There was a great post the other day from a member that has been married 30 years about how he felt that his wife had missed 80% of their marriage because he spent all of his time hiding everything to keep the calm. That has really made me think about if I'm able to work on this long term. The lack of intimacy is really hard to live with.

[rubyhammer]

I had a similar experience yesterday.

    I told my wife I wanted her to know that I was being distant the past few days because I had been thinking about myself and how I feel, spending time in my own head and sorting out my own stuff.  I stated that I was not angry at her for anything we had talked about in the conversation a few days ago.

    She told me she understood that, but when I distance myself it "hurts her."  As she continued to talk and talk I couldn't help but simply stand there flabbergasted at her inability to care how I felt.  My own internal voice kept repeating "Nope... . nope... . nope... . wow... . "

    Eventually I said "I understand." Then she left the room.

    Like ATLandon said, all I really wanted was for her to listen to me state my feelings and accept them.  But she is not capable of understanding my feelings as MINE, she's only able to understand them in relation to HER and HER feelings.  Thus, the fact that I needed a few days to myself is hurtful to her.

    Sadly, after THIS conversation I'll need a day or two to myself to sort it out... .

[hergestridge]

My wife is diagnosed, and this is exactly how she acts. Her way of showing solidarity is not very helpful. Say that me me and my wife meet one of my friends in the steets. My friend seems disinterested, barely says "hello", just walks on by.

By default I'm a little hurt, but I imagine my friend's had a bad day or was in a hurry. I let it pass. It's no good dwelling on it.

My wife - even thought it's not her friend - usually goes "Wasn't that your friend mr X? What's up with him? Do you think he's pissed of because of that thing that time... . " (starts painting paranoid scenarios).

It's not helpful. On the contrary, it's destructive. Because even though those hurtful things they say are nonsense, they stick in your mind.

I'm a musician and artist and I never bring my wife to events anymore. After my performances she's been saying things like "The audience didn't seem to enjoy it" in the lobby afterwards so that everyone in attendance could hear.

But, then again, this is not rocket science. They cannot self-soothe. And they assume you cannot self-soothe either. So when a potentially painful situation appears they cut to the bone instead.

[Changingman]

Yes, thinking about it, all my emotional responses were hi jacked by my ex. I would talk about how I felt and would be assaulted by her about how I should feel. I think it's a method the control as in

I'm uncomfortable about blah blah

I can't believe you feel like that you're being paranoid blah blah

Their feelings are king and yours doo doo

[empath]

It's not helpful. On the contrary, it's destructive. Because even though those hurtful things they say are nonsense, they stick in your mind.

I'm a musician and artist and I never bring my wife to events anymore.

Yeah, I don't really need 'help' intensifying my own anxiety and insecurity. That's why I didn't want my husband to attend my event. He just thinks it is because I'm embarrassed. I suppose that's better than the invalidating real reason that he's not helpful.

[Chosen]

From what I understand, it happens frequently, and it happens frequently for me too.

That's because pwBPDs are in quite a primitive form of emotional expression.  They are not really able to accept that others may experience the same thing and feel/ think completely different.  Say, everybody feels strongly about different topics because we all have different values.  Even for 2 people who generally see things in the same way, they are still very different.  But my uBPDh does not get it/ accept it.  If he's mad at something, he will expect me to be as well, and if I'm not, it means I'm wrong/ cold-blooded/ uncaring/ not love him.

I'm often accused of being a drama queen, though, because I react to things he doesn't react to.  Then he'll say I've got wrong values.  So sometimes it's safer not to show the whole range of our emotions (as they don't have such a big range- it's usually love OR hate), just state mainly facts, so they can't really argue/ instruct you to feel otherwise.

We talk about validation a lot on bpdfamily, and indeed it's important in our communication with pwBPDs.  However, I do think that it's those close to pwBPDs who get invalidated the most often, because pwBPDs just don't DO validation... .

[empathic]

Indeed. I think it's also a question of her lack of boundaries and independence. My wife doesn't see where she ends and I start and vice versa. If someone wrongs me (in her mind) it's like she feels attacked. This sounds like it could be good, in theory, but it is not. It's especially problematic in dealing with my birth family, because she had a very different dynamic in her own, so she frequently misunderstands things. If during a family gathering my wife feels that my mother favors my sister I'll be sure to hear my wife go on about it afterwards, eventhough this should really be my problem to own!

[panchito]

Wow!

I didn't saw this post before so I've wrote this one:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=218383.0

I feel reassured now that I know that other people on this forum feel the same I do.

Funny thing though is that when I try to tell her something bad that happenned to me on my job she takes my bosses or colleagues side. However I, lets say, make any remark about how competent or kind is a colleague of mine (99% are women) she normally does not take more than 1 seconds to criticise me and to try and show me that this colleague is actually a bad worker and a bad person (she gets jealous I guess).

Nonetheless, I  try to tell her my emotions about any familly member or any friend of mine, she allways try to leave that person in an even worst place. She criticises me for being too good, or that I'm naïve, and that people (either firnds or familly) take advantege of me because I "just don't get it"... .

If I would believe what my wife wants me to beleive:

- My boss and my colleagues are always right. I'm always wrong and I have no reason to be emotional about nothing.

- My boss or my collegues are only wrong when I make the mistake of sharing with her a good feeling about any of them... .

- My family does not respect me and does not care enough about me (and my brother is my parent's favorite). And I should do "anything" about it... .

- My friends are not such good friends and I'm sort of naïve because she sees it so clear and I don´t... .

Oh! By the way, when she is the one that gest enmotional and whants me to hears her emotions:

- She is always the victim of her collegues or bosses whan she has any tipe of confrontation at work (eiuther real or imaginated).

- She can tell me funny stories about her co-workers and make all the compliments she wants about them, because these are "good people", not like mine. (of couse she only does this whenever she is not in a splitting mood with her co-workers).

- Her family members are untouchable. She can criticise them (when she is splitting), but she does not admit any remark from me. They are much better than my family... .

- Her friends are good people and good friends (when she is not splitting), unlike mine... .

Thanks

(by the way, after reading many material I found out or at least I'm preety sure that my Wife is a non-diagnosed "High Functioning" BPD.)

[SleepsOnSofa]

I have this happen to me regularly. If a member of my family does something which upsets or bothers me, especially my mother or my sister, my uBPDw very quickly gets very angry. At first she's angry at the family member, but when I don't seem angry enough myself, she gets mad at me for not being angrier and not "standing up to (your) family." Within the first few minutes, all the things that have ever happened involving that person and my wife completely overwhelm the conversation, and the thing that just happened that had me upset is completely lost. My wife treats the little annoyance of the moment as further proof of my relatives' long-term pattern of over-stepping, interfering, disrespecting, and favoring my sister over myself and my wife - none of which is any more true of my family than any other family on the planet. So my legitimate, small-scale, short-term annoyance is not validated or dealt with in any way, and is instead quickly forgotten, because my wife is now too busy proving to me - in a loud angry voice with lots of words you can't say on TV - how awful my mother is. (It always manages to wind back around to my mother, even when the initial problem had nothing to do with her.)

The best possible outcome is that I remember that mentioning such things to my wife never makes me feel any better (though not mentioning them eventually leads to being accused of hiding things from her), and disengage at the first opportunity - usually after 30 minutes of being yelled at about stuff my wife percieves my family did to her or us months or years ago. More often, I foolishly take the bait, and find myself upset by the unfair attack on my family coming from my wife, and suddenly I'm defending the exact person or people that had me upset in the first place. My wife is upset, the rest of the day or weekend is ruined, and I feel more alone than ever, because I can't talk to my family about my wife, nor my wife about my family. If I were a drinker or a smoker, I'd start self-medicating at that point. Instead, I do the only thing I can to turn off my brain and my feelings - I go in my home office, shut the door, and play a mindless video game until I'm so exhausted I collapse on the sofa.

The hardest part of living with a pwBPD, for me, is that I am expected to be super-attentive to every little thing that bothers her, but if something bothers me, I have to hide it, bottle it up, and bury it, or lose another day or weekend to the rage monster that so often consumes my wife and my life.

[hergestridge]

SleepsOnSofa: It's a mind___! Putting it into words helps you understand what goes on.

I work with health insurance and a doctor's certificate often describes a BPD person as too preoccupied/obsessed with the social and emotional lives of their friends and relatives. That's given as one of the reason they can't maintain an employment or therapy sessions. That could give you some perspective.

[Murbay]

SleepsOnSofa, you described my marriage perfectly, right down to the attacks on my family. If my exBPDw had had it her way, I would have been at war against the entire world. It started as just little things but then became more and more frequent. My mother being the focus of many of her attacks. My mother never attended my wedding, and I was a little disappointed but understood the situation. It was overseas, my mother had just had surgery, wasn't allowed to fly and I knew that if she could have been there, she would have.

ExBPDw took a very different view, I should have been angry to the point of disowning my mother for not being there. It led to an all out war between my family and hers and I was right in the middle of it then being told by both my exBPDw and my MIL that I should be defending their honour. All of this over something that was my issue and feelings to deal with simply because I failed to paint my mother black.

hergestridge has it down perfectly too. Obsession with social and emotional lives of friends and relatives. My current BPDgf has been doing just that for the past couple of months to the point it has worn her down, given up her job and is in a major state of dysregulation. I haven't been very well myself in the past couple of weeks with something quite serious and potentially life threatening which may require major surgery. My friends, coworkers and boss have been phenomenal through it all, but not gf.

When I first noticed something wasn't right a month ago, I went to see a doctor and then told her that evening when she came round. She was angry that I didn't inform her straight away and demanded that I do that in future. When I got the diagnosis, I told her immediately and was then faced with her telling me it was too much to handle right now with everything going on with her friends and family so pushed me away and went silent. I have had texts from her this week but only to tell me what is going on with her friends and she goes silent again if I don't respond immediately or in the right way.

I feel very much like I'm back in the lose - lose situation I was with my exBPDw, it always seemed to be a competition where someone had to be right and someone had to be wrong, only I was always wrong. I didn't care because I'm not competitive in that sense but eventually it does wear you down. Panchito has it spot on in that department

[Miss Topaz]

I have to agree. When it comes to my family my boyfriend understands my grievances with them but has come to see it in perhaps a more black and white light making me worry he won't ever be very fond of them and he sometimes urges me to react in a manner that is further than I would wish.  His hijacking of my emotions is more commonly  that I have to suppress my complaints to soothe him.

[empathic]

That's very interesting to hear hergestridge and makes a lot of sense. I have noticed my wife has no "shield" when it comes to dealing with for instance her SIL (her brothers wife). My wife can't let things go after meeting her, she goes on and on about intentions, comments the SIL made, did she think our house was messy etc. I think a healthier approach would be to just accept that the SIL is this way (we don't meet her every day after all), and I have tried to steer my wife towards that over the years but it is an impossible task that I have now given up.

[hergestridge]

This topic made me think and it struck me that the "hijacking" goes a bit further than I thought at first. The negative things are the most obvious, but the thing is that I'm not to keen on letting her in on the fun stuff either.

She can really ruin a great day by telling me what a great day I'm having.

She has three modes:

1. Everything's hit.

2. I don't care.

3. Everhting's great.

Consequently, I don't care much for her input things that happen in my life. It only reflects her feelings that day. And her opinion on that particular event in my life will change depening on how she feels... . another day. No stability... .

Have anyone tried arranging a party or doing a project with a BPD person? I arranged a major music event at my home some time ago and I had to tell my wife to not be part of the preparations and not to come. She notorious for getting involved in arranging events and then trying to cancel them (to the horror of the others involved) when she loses confidence and starts to feel stress. That's how not to make friends.

[Lilibeth]

I'm so glad i stumbled onto this page. Emotional hijacking... . it summarizes what i too go through. If my husband sees that something has upset me, he will either tell me he has worse experiences, and what has upset me is nothing in comparison, or he will lecture me on the sayings of wise men, and quote techniques to help me cope. Or, he will totally dismiss my sad/upset feelings saying that i am not taking his feelings into consideration... . i too have learnt to keep a lot just inside of me and swallow a lot - sometimes it is manageable, but sometimes the hurt just seems to well up... .

[ATLandon]

Thanks for all the responses everyone! Glad to know I'm not alone in this. I thought I was a little crazy for this for a while. However, after reading everyone else's comments it brought up old memories I had suppressed and me angry all over again just to think about them (LOL)! How messed up is that? Oh well, I guess that's what happens when you stuff away your own feelings for so long. So glad to have found some fellowship on bpdfamily.

[waverider]

They dont think with restraint and so cant comprehend when we do. This in itself confuses them. Our restraint then invalidates the anger they are feeling on our behalf. As a result they feel like we are betraying them. So they turn on us.

[Lilibeth]

Another crazy thing that happens with me is this: If i ever say anything about the city we live in - could be just how terrible the traffic is becoming, or some problem i faced because of a non-understanding of the language and how i coped - just conversationally, he will go out of his way to tell me that these are because of historical or political reasons etc etc etc and that i am being totally selfish and self-centered in thinking this way about the place we live in. On the other hand, whenever he talks about the city, he never, ever, ever has anything good to say about it. This was an example - it happens with other issues as well, including our respective families. He then expects me to join in with his negativeness and i cannot... . this more often than not throws me off balance and leaves me wondering about my emotional responses... .

[Surrender]

I discovered that a day in the life with a BPD is all about hijacking our emotions. Mine takes everything I am going through and internalizes it as though it is his problem but becomes upset with me for being anything other than stable and what he considers is 'my norm'. I think we can all say that this hijacking phenomenon is what we have to live with when it comes to our BPD partners. If I'm depressed than he suddenly takes on what I'm feeling and becomes overwhelmed and angry. He will often get upset with me for feeling my feelings if it is triggering an unpleasant or negative feeling in him which it usually does. This means he becomes very upset with me and will scold me as though suddenly it's about him and the unpleasant feelings he is now having to deal with. In this way he becomes what I am feeling only now he is angry at me for it which ultimately means that he robs me of being able to feel what I need to feel and process what I need to process.

I've often felt that I'm not permitted to go through negativity without it becoming about him. Emotional transference as everything is viewed as threatening, disappointing and my fault.

[LifeIsBeautiful]

I call it "flipping". They switch sides, emotions, and feelings in a heartbeat. Sometimes I think they just wanted to invalidate us in what way they can, so that we can feel the same as them. I'm no expert in this, but of all the techniques in the resources, the one that I think is essential is to accept that it's not about us but them. One way street. Takes a lot of patience and compassion, the positive thing I have been telling myself that we can only get stronger if someone reaches the point that they can put those things aside and maintain focus on the objective. Mountain climbing comes to mind (I have not tried it before) but the rocks are hurling down at us stopping us, hurting us, forcing us back. Avoid or stop, recover, and carry on to the top. I have not seen the summit yet, but that's does not mean we stop trying.

[Lilibeth]

Thank you for that, LifeIsBeautiful. I like the mountain climbing analogy - am surely going to try it.

[empath]

Sometimes (more like rarely), I just put a boundary up and say, "no, this is about me and my emotions right now. You don't get to tell me what those are." It seemed to disrupt him enough to quiet down at least.

[Lilibeth]

I wish i could say that, empath -  "no, this is about me and my emotions right now. You don't get to tell me what those are." I'd be asking for trouble if i did that... . but i think i should tell myself that and allow my feelings to run their course. My mother passed on in 2011. Till today i have not been able to grieve for her, because the minute i say anything, or he imagines that i am thinking of Mum and feeling sad, it all turns and becomes about him - i don't know how, but suddenly i find myself deluged by words that go on to prove that he is worse off and is coping so why can't i, and so on... . as a result the grief is like a stone on my heart. In fact any mention of my parents (both have passed on) brings on such a torrent that i never mention them at all. And, i think i have been too scared to allow myself to think of them and to think it through... .

[Surrender]

Lillibeth I hear you and it is truly a strange thing. They can't understand that we are entitled to our own feelings and that doesn't mean that their world will suddenly disappear or drop out of reality. It is as though our feelings of instability or anything out of the norm means for them an 'unsafe' allowance. So they make it about them suddenly. Our grief for some unknown reason means that they aren't enough for us. I've had this happen to me as I too am now an orphan having lost both parents and like you when ever I grieve suddenly he becomes upset because he feels deficient.

So we bury our feelings because we see that it scares them but what scares me is if we continue to bury our individual feelings for too long then what does that do to us? I've hardly cried and feel like I'm in shock still... . and because of the shock I know I'm in denial and I can't talk to him about it anymore because he feels I should be over it. Like you I can't ever be anything other than what he feels is my normal because the second I step outside of that he becomes emotionally dysregulated.

I don't know what the answer is for us because they don't know how to support us through our own trials and tribulations without it becoming about them. It's like they are afraid that we are our own person and not a part of them. When my partner describes me and how he feels he always says that I am a part of him. I think this is where it all stems from because if we are separate from them then that is very unsettling and fearful to them hence how it triggers them.

[Lilibeth]

So, so true, Surrender - every single word you've written. I know i'm in denial, and i don't know what to do, or how to solve this... . and like you i bury a lot of my own feelings, thoughts, opinions, what i read or come across... . i too sometimes question if i won't just completely wither away inside. This is one of the things i am fighting. I think, maybe, that since we have articulated it and kind of got it out, we may find how to bury our feelings with respect to them, and yet keep our hearts open... . somehow... . Their hijacking of our emotions does not mean that they are of no account - they mean a lot to us... . somehow we have to take it on from there. One person i met said i need to develop an independence of spirit... . trying to figure out how quite to do that... . maybe that could be one answer... . i don't not want not to have emotions, and i don't want to become hardhearted, and i want to be able to resolve all that i feel... . maybe someone can point us in a direction that makes sense... .

Time and again, if i have shown that my thinking is different from his, he will go out of his way to show how wrong i am... . i cannot still bear that cold hard steely voice telling me that since we think differently something is wrong... . so again it is swallow and silence. But i'm sure there must be a way out. Some technique we can use - we must not let ourselves be swallowed up, don't you think?

[Surrender]

Time and again, if i have shown that my thinking is different from his, he will go out of his way to show how wrong i am... . i cannot still bear that cold hard steely voice telling me that since we think differently something is wrong... . so again it is swallow and silence. But i'm sure there must be a way out. Some technique we can use - we must not let ourselves be swallowed up, don't you think?

WOW Lilibeth this is HUGE because that is exactly what happens. The second we stray from them in thought, belief or desire we become their greatest threat and they have to do everything in their power to condemn us and put us back inside their 'fold'. You remember how the dog controls the sheep by doing everything in their power to get them back into the fold including biting their feet? That reminds me of us in our relationships and here we are trying to find a way to be OURSELVES and still love them only that isn't possible because they can't accept that.

We need to be their extensions for them to feel safe loving us and giving their love to us. Hence we need to be 'them' and not 'us'. Sounds like yours does the same as mine including being punitive and shaming me if necessary in order to gain back his control. If we are too separate from them than they become terrified because I think they use us as their normal base line. When that normal base line disengages than they no longer feel like they have one and so that is why they become so triggered and so emotionally dysregulated to the point where they need to make us suffer until we see the 'error of our ways' and return to their 'fold'.

I pray we can find an answer because I would really hate to lose myself in all of this and one day find myself a stranger.

[Lilibeth]

Surrender, i had gone so far away from myself, that when i met a roommate of mine from college last year, she asked me if i was the same person... . that really got to me. She and two other friends with who i met up at around the same time keep reminding me of who i used to be... . and encourage me to get myself back. They cannot understand this position that i am in, but i understood what they were telling me - and i badly wanted to not be this frightened, insecure and terribly unsure person i had become. I had become a total stranger to myself... . I also had this same fear that he would make me suffer and 'return to the fold.' However, very slowly, in small ways i started expressing myself... . he would hit out, and i would tell myself... . no, i am not listening to this... . my caravan is just going to go on... . Oh i had to hear lots and lots of things - things that would have me emotionally paralyzed for days... but i still hung on to these small things... . i can see a teeny weeny change now when he gets into 'my' areas... . they are small things, but i am slowly working towards the bigger changes. I will, Surrender, I will not, will not, will not go back to being trampled upon... . i'm learning from various things i'm reading here on other posts and boards... . and i am going to try my best. You can, Surrender - you can too. Everyone here will support you... . you are not alone, so why not give it a shot?

[hergestridge]

Our grief for some unknown reason means that they aren't enough for us. I've had this happen to me as I too am now an orphan having lost both parents and like you when ever I grieve suddenly he becomes upset because he feels deficient.

I'm quite convinced that the reason my wife fell in love with me once upon a time is that I appeared to have absolutely no needs of my own. She finds "polite" guys a huge turn-on. Expressing feelings, needs or desires in anyway is "suffocating" to her. Even a tiny, little bit.

It makes so much sense now. She's told me so many times not to hold my feelings back, because the thinks that's unhealthy. But when I show feelings, it's like some sorts of battle; no respect at all.

My wife has BPD and her dad most likely has BPD (undiagnosed). His new wife was diagnosed with cancer. To comfort himself, he threw a party.