Scared it's me with BPD

[Popcorn71]

When I think of how I behaved, things I did and things I said, I wonder if it's me with the problem.  Although since my exBPDh left I have been much happier and my moods have been more stable.

I was with my ex husband for 9 years.  The first few years were great but the last few gradually got worse and worse.  It was during the last couple of years that I feel I showed signs of BPD.  But I can't work out if that is my 'personality' or my reaction to how my life had been well and truly taken over by my ex husband.

Some examples:- 

He didn't want me to work so I stayed at home.  I lost all interest in looking good and barely left the house unless I had to.  I also gained weight and changed the style of clothes I wore to the style he preferred.  Was I trying to 'be someone else' or was I reacting to him chipping away at my self esteem?

He often made negative remarks about my body, etc. but in a 'caring and nice' way, making out he was happy with me but other men wouldn't be.  I began to make comments about his shortcomings and frequently (during rows) referred to his problems in the bedroom department.  Was I reacting to his comments or was I just being a bhit?

When we were seperated, I almost enjoyed him begging me to give him another chance.  I made him wait a few days before getting back with him even though I knew all along that I would.  Looking back I do not think this was normal or acceptable but was it a reaction to him leaving me 5 times in 9 years or a sign of BPD?

After he left me for the last time, I texted him often, with nasty messages telling him to die, etc. and that he never deserved me.  All the time, he said I wasn't to blame for us splitting up but he blamed my teenage son.  I wanted to hurt him as much as he was hurting me and eventually I apologised to him for doing this.  He never replied to my apology.  Am I BPD or was I simply retaliating to all the pain he was putting me through?

I threatened to find somebody new, hoping it would make him realise he could lose me for good.  He replied saying 'it would hurt but he would know that he was loved'.  He then got seriously involved with another woman only days later (if not before we split up).  Did I push him into doing this by my BPD behaviour or was I just being stupid?

I am very confused after reading so many posts on here.  I often find myself agreeing that my exBPDh did this or that but also see many behaviours that I have done too.

Could it be that we were both BPD?  I can see I have some issues but wonder just how bad they really are?

Any observations or comments on this?

[seeking balance]

  Popcorn!

I can honestly say that when I came here, even though MC and T told me I didn't have BPD, I still was not convinced... . I was so lost and didn't recognize myself after the chaos. It took a a little bit to get my balance back.

What you feel is totally normal - give yourself some time to let those turbulent waters settle so you can navigate through those emotions.  Calm sometimes feels weird after all the chaos and although I liked it, I also felt tremendous anxiety.

Most of us picked up fleas - BPD behaviors - from living in the environment.  Most of us also ended up in therapy ourselves to unravel what was real, what was us and figure out what's next.

Do you have a T?

Peace,

SB

[Pretty Woman]

Not to scare you but you may have traits (hence why you were attracted). I found out I do have traits. Some from being in close proximity and some because I actually have some BPD myself.

Don't beat yourself up. I think counceling is key though.

[Mazda]

Pretty woman... .

Where on earth are you getting your information from?  It's pretty dangerous to say things like that to others, and no offence, but I don't think you really know what you're talking about here... . everyone has some degree of BPD traits, as claimed by many reputable sources.  Maybe it's insecurity or a fear of abandonment (which are mine to a sub clinical level).

To answer your question, no! You are not BPD! If you were, then you wouldn't be asking these questions, acknowledging your mistakes and taking accountability!

That concept of fleas... . it's true! You pick up some habits... . I did in 7 months so in 9 years you must have!  When the drama subsides and you start putting an emphasis on getting back to your awesome self, you will see that actually, this is not you.  Remember, you were under a huge amount of emotional stress at this time so don't be too hard on yourself!  I went through the same process as you, to the point that I asked my psych if I had BPD and she just laughed!

You are perfectly fine, just recovering from a very very bad relationship.  Get yourself back to your awesome self... . dress as you want, look as you want and know that you are FABULOUS!  Find your identity again... . things will get better.

Hugs xxx

[Madison66]

Popcorn71,

It sounds like you were in a toxic r/s with someone with BPD.  I can tell you that my frustration anger grew over time with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I said things that I'm not proud of.  I remember a phone conversation we had once where she tried to state that at a T session for her OCD/anxiety ridden daughter, the T stated that I had wounded the daughter by not being willing to renegotiate the rules in my house and that I said "my house, my rules".  I just responded and told my ex gf that this was a bunch of sh-t and that her daughter was f'd up.  Her parenting was f'd up.  I had several other angry reactions to overt and covert emotional abuse/blackmail.  What I learned was that she was triggering feelings of fear, obligation and guilt, along with me just becoming more and more frustrated with her behavior.  My T doesn't think I have an anger problem or any kind of PD, but is working with me to understand some of my fears and hurts that were present long before the r/s.  Now that the chaos and toxic crud has ended, I'm able to work on aligning my logic, emotions and gut reactions to better deal with situations that may have triggered me in the past.  Like a previous poster said, you wouldn't be asking questions of yourself or examining your own behavior if you were BPD.  And yes, think about investing in yourself by doing some T.  It has changed my life.

[Popcorn71]

Thank you for your replies.  I do not have a T as it is not easy to get one here unless paying privately and I cannot afford it at the moment.  I am trying to educate myself by what I can find on the internet.

I am reading a lot about BPD and I am convinced that my ex is affected.  It was his third marriage and from what I can gather he left his first wife in a similar manner, straight into another relationship and when his second wife left him he 'found' me within a few weeks.  He always wanted everything his own way and never apologised.  He changed often, depending on who his friends were at the time and even spoke differently and dressed differently to fit in with them.  I thought it was pathetic because he was like a teenager trying to be part of 'the cool crowd' even though he was 58 years old.

I was very frustrated by much of his behaviour and perhaps sometimes I did react in 'not very nice' ways.  I always felt that our relationship was too good to be true and there were lots of small hints that things were not right all along.  I suppose I should look at why I didn't take notice and why I put up with what was obviously not a healthy relationship for such a long time.

I never knew my father and I am aware that I have issues with 'not being wanted' as I was almost put up for adoption.  However, after many years of a volatile relationship with my mother (who also shows BPD traits and is very controlling), I feel that I am on my way to dealing with my feelings and accepting myself for who I am now rather than the child I was.  I am much more in control of my own life now and I get on well with my mother and my extended family as I am less dependant on them.

Thanks again for your comments, it helps to know that this fear of being BPD is not unusual and probably just a fear - not reality!

[santa]

After 9 years in it, I'm sure you do have some BPD traits. It's almost contagious in a way. Once you get sucked into their world, some of it rubs off on you.

The good news is that it's temporary. Once you're away from all their nonsense for awhile, you'll be back to normal. I'm feeling a lot more like my old self now and I'm 5 months out. Just give yourself a little time.