Found journals/letters I wrote from childhood... such validation

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I was cleaning out a closet today and found this box that I've had for quite some time.  I thought it just had my high school diploma, pictures, annuals, that sort of thing.  I've probably had it sitting in that closet 20 years and never opened it (since I was probably 18).  I found old diaries I had forgotten about and strangely enough, a bundle of letters.  Some from my sisters to me when I was in college (I'm the oldest), some between other family members, postcards, Christmas cards, etc.  Some from as early as I could legibly write and some obviously written in middle/high school.  What is odd is that these were even saved as my Mom didn't let us have much privacy and there was some pretty damaging stuff in there (in regards to her).  I realized that I have blocked so much out.  I found letters written to my mother on Hello Kitty paper asking her why she always called me dumb all the time and said I was "just like my father."  And asking her why she ignored me and favored my middle sister (all good child).  Holy cow.  It took my breath away.  I truly don't remember any of it.   I mean, my 12 year old self even knew something was wrong with her.  I found letters from elementary school to my Dad begging him not to gamble (he's an addict) or not to divorce my mother (I was made the rescuer/protector in the family).  I found notes asking him to please check the box if he still loved her.  Another said "Let's have a family, not a family feud!"  Notes for my Dad to write me back (I even included extra paper) about why he wanted to ruin their marriage and didn't he know my baby sister would forget him?  My husband thinks my mother must have put me up to some of that.  He just couldn't believe an 8 year old would even be aware of such things.  It kind of broke my heart.  It made me want to give my 8 year old self a big, giant hug.  I should have been worried about my next Cabbage Patch Doll.  I still find it so odd that these letters were tangled up with all the others.  I can't imagine that my Mom would have felt comfortable saving them.  She had saved every single program, certificate, article, honor roll, report card, church program, etc.   Even a hospital sign about what I was allergic to during a hospital stay when I was 10.  It was unreal.  In my diaries, I wrote over and over about Mom starting fights and being scared and how I hated her.  In elementary school!  It was a bit of validation for me as I realized I have been abused by her for many, many years.  And if I knew it at 8, I sure wasn't crazy now (I second guess my decision to go NC sometimes).

[bright_future_mama]

I was cleaning out a closet today and found this box that I've had for quite some time.  I thought it just had my high school diploma, pictures, annuals, that sort of thing.  I've probably had it sitting in that closet 20 years and never opened it (since I was probably 18).  I found old diaries I had forgotten about and strangely enough, a bundle of letters.  Some from my sisters to me when I was in college (I'm the oldest), some between other family members, postcards, Christmas cards, etc.  Some from as early as I could legibly write and some obviously written in middle/high school.  What is odd is that these were even saved as my Mom didn't let us have much privacy and there was some pretty damaging stuff in there (in regards to her).  I realized that I have blocked so much out.  I found letters written to my mother on Hello Kitty paper asking her why she always called me dumb all the time and said I was "just like my father."  And asking her why she ignored me and favored my middle sister (all good child).  Holy cow.  It took my breath away.  I truly don't remember any of it.   I mean, my 12 year old self even knew something was wrong with her.  I found letters from elementary school to my Dad begging him not to gamble (he's an addict) or not to divorce my mother (I was made the rescuer/protector in the family).  I found notes asking him to please check the box if he still loved her.  Another said "Let's have a family, not a family feud!"  Notes for my Dad to write me back (I even included extra paper) about why he wanted to ruin their marriage and didn't he know my baby sister would forget him?  My husband thinks my mother must have put me up to some of that.  He just couldn't believe an 8 year old would even be aware of such things.  It kind of broke my heart.  It made me want to give my 8 year old self a big, giant hug.  I should have been worried about my next Cabbage Patch Doll.  I still find it so odd that these letters were tangled up with all the others.  I can't imagine that my Mom would have felt comfortable saving them.  She had saved every single program, certificate, article, honor roll, report card, church program, etc.   Even a hospital sign about what I was allergic to during a hospital stay when I was 10.  It was unreal.  In my diaries, I wrote over and over about Mom starting fights and being scared and how I hated her.  In elementary school!  It was a bit of validation for me as I realized I have been abused by her for many, many years.  And if I knew it at 8, I sure wasn't crazy now (I second guess my decision to go NC sometimes).

[itsnotme]

I have that very same box. I just haven't brought myself to look back yet. In a way it clears any doubt I'm sure you may of had. Maybe it's time for me to look back so that I can have a better future? Thanks for posting that.

[Changingman]

God I tried so hard to keep my mum and dad together, kept contact with my runaway sister. It was shattering. Being the youngest I watched my family shatter because of my mother. To this day she is still 'playing these games' at 86. Her granddaughter by her daughter isn't 'hers' she must have got it from somewhere! Golden child brother, scapegoat me and my sister, silent treatment etc.

Why live this kind of life. I have/she has kept contact with my kids to an amazing minimum.

[lauren2013]

I've found similar things at home before.  Diaries, letters, etc.  I think I've blocked a lot out, too.  I can remember writing suicide notes and putting them in this little chest of drawers I had in my room.  I don't think I really wanted to commit suicide - but I needed something that I wasn't getting.  Someone to CARE.  I don't remember what I said in the letters, I just remember writing them.  I didn't even recall this until this year.  So weird how we forget such traumatic events.

I also did everything in my power to keep my parents together.  My mom had an affair when I was in 10th grade and I would hide my anger from my dad.  My mom would treat me like crap and I wouldn't tell my dad b/c I was working on getting them back together.  It was awful.  After 4 years of separation, they got back together and are still married now.  Worst decision of my life.  They are so unhappy and I feel like I am even more unhappy at 31 that they are together.  At least if they were divorced I could have some kind of relationship with my dad.  But since they are still together, she's taking him down with her.

[Sdmfoster]

I don't have a box like that - since I ran away with just the clothes on my back at 16, I don't have a lot of stuff (or a lot of memories, TBH) of my childhood. But I do remember thinking my mother was evil and different and being ashamed of it. My neighbour playmate and I would plot her death and how to get away with it, and how much better my life would be, when I was in grades 2 and 3.    Definitely something wrong there. And I was always trying to protect my dad from her. Should have been the other way around. I've been NC for 20-odd years, and I still want to give the little me a hug and spirit her away from that toxic dump.   And yes, the wanting someone to CARE - still is with me.

[BunsandCoffee]

I got rid of most of my things just because I don't like to hold on to negative memories. I remember being scared of my mom's mood swings or all the times she would threaten to kill herself when something didn't go her way... . why would you even say that in front of a child?

[Levi78]

This thread really resonated with me. I hate all my elementary school pictures and usually destroy them. My uBPD mom flip-flopped between complete neglect and verbal abuse. While my baby pictures were all obviously fussed over, she completely lost interest by 2nd grade. In each class picture, I'm the sad kid in the rumpled dirty clothes because mom didn't care enough to prepare me for picture day. Mom would later see the pictures and berate me for looking terrible.

I have few positive relics of my childhood. I used to fantasize about being an orphan for god's sake.

[Legacymaker]

Mine "lovingly" informed me that she use to cry over my pictures because I was an ugly duckling... . thanks mom, no complexes created there!

[Lilibeth]

She's just being hurtful, Legacymaker. You are beautiful!

[mywifecrazy]

This thread is breaking my heart! I want to reach back and give all the little you's a big hug!

I'm sorry for all of you for what you had to go through in your childhood… I'm sure you are all very strong people inside for what you been through. God bless you all!

[PleaseValidate]

I found notes asking him to please check the box if he still loved her.

that is a tearjerker. wow.  :'(