Suggestions for managing reactivity and anger in dealing with. BPD sister?

[jtmur1]

Hello,

I posted my introduction under 'my BPD sister has poisoned most of my family against me' so I don't bore you with the details again... .

My 2 questions are:

- what are some strategies for getting my reactivity under control so I don't react to my BPD sister when I run across her again (I've been nc for 5 years) and family who push my BPD sister's agenda and are trying to get me back in the fold?

- I can appear to have no emotion and be calm while I'm listening to my fast pulse race in my ears and afterwards I feel so much anger... . What do you do with your anger?

I am likely to run into my sister later on this year and would love to be able to feel more I inside, what I am portraying to her and my family outside... .

Help please?

J

[Tayto]

What I have learned from my family (8 kids) is there is a spectrum of personalities to which we all have to deal with.

I have one sister who will highlight every thing that I fear the most about myself and oh by god is it torture to be around her as shes knows me to the core.

While talking to another sister one day about her, she was saying

Why do you avoid X, to which I replied

she has a nasty tongue and im not able for her.

then my sister said, I dont find her offensive whuch got me thinking

it must be me then, when I looked into it I seen that

she highlights my things that I dont want people to know.

As I could not change my sister, I could chanfe how I looked at the way she acted.

being my sister, I knew what she would come out with and how she would try to trigger me leaving me to look the bad one.

I kept going over and over what she would say like

well who are you going to attack tonight or your a sad person.

so months later we had a family dinner and she sits down beside me.

of course after a few drinks she says

well, whos getting it tonight to which I replied

I haven't made my mind up yet whether to go for them four over there or the shole restaurant. What do you think, should I start small or just go for it (of course I was messing)

For the first time because I was prepared and I stead of denying who I once was I went along and my sisters comments had no effect on me.

little did she know I practised and practised different answers untik I found the one I was most comfortable with.

[Tayto]

Anger is a very natural emotion which is important for letting you know you are not in agreement with something.

when I get angry depending on how strong it is I will deal with it accordingly.

I have a point that shen I feel my anger get to a certain stage

I simply walk away as I can do no more

when I walk away, unknown to my wife, I write down how im feeling and how I dont agree with what she had to say.

because im writing it down, im getting to vent my anger but im still not letting it go az once I have it fully down I write on top, to be addressed in two days time.

then I go over it from her pojnt of view and the  mine.

I have the same conversation in my mind but a different approach.

again being my wife I know her so ill approach it with.

would you like to go for a walk.

ya see when we are walking she cant see my facial reactions and as I could get triggered she might see this and game over.

so we go walking and I start with, how was your day. If it was bad I hold off until a better time.

again if the conversation goes bad, I say

look we will talk again when we are in better humour

[P.F.Change]

You have certainly been through a lot, jtmur1. My mother has BPD and I understand many of the challenges you are facing. There are a lot of resources here that have helped me; perhaps they will be helpful for you, too.

- what are some strategies for getting my reactivity under control so I don't react to my BPD sister when I run across her again (I've been nc for 5 years) and family who push my BPD sister's agenda and are trying to get me back in the fold?

One thing that can help replace automatic reactions with centered responses is being mindful of your thoughts and emotions as they happen. Here is a good workshop that might help: TOOLS: Triggering, Mindfulness, and the Wise Mind

Another strategy is to have some response statements prepared ahead of time, as Tayto suggested. (People who talk to the press regularly do this.) Rehearsing these while visualizing yourself feeling calm and confident can help. When a situation presents itself, you will know what to do, without worry.

- I can appear to have no emotion and be calm while I'm listening to my fast pulse race in my ears and afterwards I feel so much anger... . What do you do with your anger?

Is the fast pulse a symptom of your anger, or is it anxiety?

I agree with this:

Anger is a very natural emotion which is important for letting you know you are not in agreement with something.

Often, we will feel angry when actions (ours or those of others) are not in agreement with our values and boundaries. Other times, anger might signal that our expectations are not in agreement with reality. What specifically makes you feel angry? When I am able to identify exactly why I feel angry, I can look at my boundaries and expectations and make a plan for how to look after them better. This workshop provided some good examples for me when I was first learning about boundaries, and I still find it helpful to review from time to time: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence I also had a  moment when I read about radical acceptance. Here is one of the features we have on that idea: Radical Acceptance for family members

You have asked some very good questions that most of us have had at one time or another. Thank you for taking the time to post them. I hope lots of folks will chime in. I'm glad you've joined us!

Wishing you peace,

PF