Where to get outside support

[dharmagems]

It's been 9 months of NC from my BPDxh. 

I have been wanting an outlet of support of my NPD mother so I tried a Children of Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  It was pretty good.   I felt it addressed the same issues such as triggers when I see rage vent on me.  I still go to an occasional CoDa meeting and OA meeting.  I found it so very helpful these 12 step groups and they say all the same things.  It's a place where I don't feel so alone.

I have also started in a weekly bonding group therapy that I mentioned on these threads.

I have spent a day with a friend.  Our friendship developed before the time of my X and she is a great person.  She comes from a stable upbringing, loves her parents dearly, and never was in a long term partnership.  She focused her passions on her career. 

The day I spent the day with her, she laughed about my bonding/touch therapy group (because of all the intimacy), but said to each their own ways when they process.  She also said that sometimes it's better not to focus too much on the self's processing because it creates a spiraling depression affect. 

I am sensitive to criticism/judgement/blame.  I have always been and these are the wounds I'm trying to address.  I took her statements as such, and started a dialog with myself when I was finally alone.  I started to justify how much better I am for all the inner work I did and still do.  I said to myself how dare she say all of these things when she does not know the complete hurt and pain going through PTSD because of a relationship and breakup with a pwBPD and all of a sudden dealing with childhood wounds of FOO. 

I guess I was wanting validation for all of this pain, but I didn't get it from my friend.  She doesn't "get it"--and as I process out loud, that's ok.  That's natural with her background.  I can't get my need for validation from her.  My ACoA meeting gets it.  One woman approached me after the meeting and wanted to get information of my bonding therapy for herself. 

In the past I wanted to scream on top of the world to everyone I knew about my whole processing, but got mostly opinions that I already knew.  All of these people were getting tired of the subject and I was too much in my head to be there for their needs.  And after a while, it was very unsatisfying telling anything at all.  I tend to feel guilt when I do mention my situation and don't get validation.  But I am learning to keep myself protected by not saying anything at all to anyone outside my 12 step groups or therapy groups.

These boards have been a tremendous blessing.  It literally saved my sanity and life.  Where do you all get personal support?  Do you?  Or do most people don't "get it"?  Do you tell, or keep all of these hard times to yourself? 

 

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm with you, my friends and family were supportive, but they did get a little tired of hearing it, and the folks who understand the best are on this site.

My tack is different from yours though; I don't go to places looking for support especially, I just live my life.  It's been about a year and a half since I left her, and honestly I probably could have used some support initially, instead I drank and howled at the moon, but I've let her go now and shifted the focus to myself pretty much exclusively.  I wasn't anywhere near perfect in the relationship, the dysfunction was something we created together, but the pain that ensued has been a major wake-up call for me, with spotlights glaring on the areas that needed and need some work.

So now, I'm focusing on living true to my values and with integrity, no small feat for me, and taking that out into the world and interacting with people.  I'm also focusing on healthy boundaries, not saying too much too soon to people and looking for trust and respect to form the basis of relationships.  I do better when I follow my own path and chase my own dreams, and when we find our path like that, it puts a gleam in our eye that is attractive to folks, and life gets better.

[maxen]

this has been of primary importance to me - well, it is to everybody but as long as i had my marriage i had let friendships lapse and when it blew up in june i found myself in a horribly isolated place. one very big part of my work in the past months has been building something like a social network. i have no sibs. there is the T and the P, who get it (the T gets the BPD, the P gets the alcohol). i used the samaritans email line. the friends i kept turned out, t.g., to be the best people on earth. one couple, unbeknown to me, had had marriage problems of their own brought on by job worries, the burden of taking care of his increasingly disordered parents without much or any help from his sibs, and his bipolarity  - just as my betrayal has been exacerbated by talking care of an elderly and disordered mother and by my depression. so they understood (the wife in that couple said "i saw (my h) come back, and i know you will too" ) and gave me a place to stay. other friends lent ears and comradeship. however the number of people i'm talking about in all those categories totals maybe 8 and 4 of those live in the next city down I-95. my work colleagues, the ones i confided in, turned out to be first class (though a few, whom i then did not confide in, treated the whole episode as a minor blip and i didn't like that). one of them put me on to alanon and i've found a home meeting and have started to meet attenders who are more than acquaintances now. and my family have been wonderful, but some of them live on other continents (one of them gave me a place to stay over new year's - on the other side of the atlantic). there may not be more than three persons here in my city that i can just call for no reason. this unhappy situation has nothing to do with the BPDstbxw.

to an extent i shouldn't complain then, i have some people for support and my problems are not as bad as others'. but when it happened i didn't know if i would have any support at all. last july and august were without doubt the nadir of my life. i cannot put into words the horror. and things are still pretty bad. seven months since d-day and i still feel expelled from the universe. saturdays in particular are hell. i really had to reach out and that's not easy for me, and a few attempts to reach out missed the mark. maybe i need to find a bar.

but there's this board which, as everyone says and it's true, has been a lifeline. it's just an amazing thing that it exists. i've come to care alot about some posters, and some long-term contributors are princes (and princesses) among men (and women). i would really like to meet some irl.

[MammaMia]

Everyone has to do what is best for them.  

One caution in a group setting is to be sure you stay focused on your own needs.  As you develop friendships, it is easy to

begin to absorb the emotional conflicts of others, adding to your own stress.  Learn from them but avoid becoming overly involved.  

Be sure to keep your own issues separate emotionally.