He finds me in my sleep

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Okay friends, I've been doing excellent with the NC thing.  Been holding it together for almost 9 weeks with one small recycle that lasted all of 48 hours.  Going through the usual downs with not too many ups.  Just trying to learn, grow and heal.

Last weekend, in total, I received about 7 missed calls from him.  I did not answer or call him back.  However, since Friday I've had 3 horrifying nightmares on three separate nights.  The dreams wake me up, are violent (he towards me), includes my replacement, and continue all night long.  I'm exhausted.  Not long ago, I found peace, solace and looked forward to sleeping.  My head needed the break from all this hit_.  I'm the type who needs their sleep and once "under" I don't wake up easily, remember dreams, let alone nightmares.

Will this stop?  Can anyone relate to this?

[LilMissSunshine]

Okay friends, I've been doing excellent with the NC thing.  Been holding it together for almost 9 weeks with one small recycle that lasted all of 48 hours.  Going through the usual downs with not too many ups.  Just trying to learn, grow and heal.

Last weekend, in total, I received about 7 missed calls from him.  I did not answer or call him back.  However, since Friday I've had 3 horrifying nightmares on three separate nights.  The dreams wake me up, are violent (he towards me), includes my replacement, and continue all night long.  I'm exhausted.  Not long ago, I found peace, solace and looked forward to sleeping.  My head needed the break from all this hit_.  I'm the type who needs their sleep and once "under" I don't wake up easily, remember dreams, let alone nightmares.

Will this stop?  Can anyone relate to this?

[Perfidy]

Sunshine... Sorry you are having those disturbing dreams. I've had only two dreams about her. Neither one nightmares but still disturbing. I tried to learn what dreams meant. The answer I liked the most and what made the most sense is that your subconscious is coming out. For the longest time I could remember no dreams at all. It seemed like I wasn't dreaming when I slept. Deep depression most likley was the cause. I couldn't sleep past two or three or four o'clock in the morning. Waking up in rumination. Couldn't get back to sleep. Laying in bed suffering. When the stress finally wore off enough, after months of depression, I started dreaming again. The fact that you are having dreams would indicate to me that you are healing. Even though the dreams are disturbing your mind is beginning to function enough to release your subconscious.

[myself]

I've been having some nightmares about her, too. It made me avoid sleep for awhile. Now I see it as I'm sweating through the withdrawals from being with her. Letting go of the pains of the abuse. Seeing it as the bad dream it often was. It's a part of grieving, and in time we will grow out of it. Then we'll have the best sleep of our lives.

[Changingman]

Literally just woke 3.55am had a dream of bumping into her and the replacement. Beat him while he told everyone how he ( ------------ ). She was coldly watching. It felt like madness. First dream I've remembered.

God this is horrible beyond words.

I hope this stops soon Perfidy. Tonight i was out and it was full of people talking about sex. One guy has started an affair with a girl. She has husband and kid, he has a girlfriend he lives with. Hate this side o human nature, just hurt on hurt. Want nothing to do with this stuff might have to think about the friendship. Hope this is part of healing.

It's all so psycho this stuff, the madness of mental illness has shocked me. Was talking to another guy seemed nice, calm he had a kid 8 I asked abou the mum. He said he didn't talk to her at all ( bit embarrassed ) I said it's a shame. Thing is! She lies all the time even about things she doesn't need too. He went into her up and down mood swings said I think she's bipolar. In a day or over a week or so I said. In a day, can't be alone, panic attacks, found a new guy immediately when he went inside for a year. Had a terrible childhood, see I tried to save her, her dad an alcoholic her mum a lesbian.

Really having to work out who I am and what I want, this crazy has taken me to the edge. I've got sucked into trying to have a RS with a self medicating demon into sex, drugs, drink and have been really burnt, really burnt.

I don't want this, I want to lose it. Starting again,

[Perfidy]

CM... . It's normal. It's very standard. It really sucks but that's the way it is. Yes. It is part of healing. The pain is what motivates me to finding a deeper understanding of my self. Getting completely detached from her and not forming other attachment leaves only my self.

[CoasterRider]

From what I've read dreams are a good thing. It's your mind tying to make the most of what it has to reconcile emotions and deal and cope with the pain/ stress and anxiety that you are feeling. My ex makes cameos in my dreams too. Be happy we aren't like them. Our emotions and cognition are functioning at optimal capacity and trying to resolve things in a healthy way! To accept and process all the emotions you have to feel them and process then. Sucks for sure but be happy you're going through it because one day it will be done and you'll be the healthy same person they aren't.

[ComoLu]

I still have nightmares nearly every time I close my eyes, and it has been 31 months since he asked for the divorce.  I remember most of mine.  It is one of the symptoms of PTSD.  Sometimes it never goes away.  I hope yours and mine will.

[Soulsisters]

I get the nightmares.

I am divorced and still the thoughts of him make it hard for me to breathe.  I had huge PTSD panic attack that left me without air due to him.

I have to block the jerk from my head daily.

One minute at a time and we will all get better. 

[Changingman]

Yep more dreams of her, always ends up a bit taxidermy/automiton lots of flesh pealed back undead stuff. Jesus am I going mad.

I had quite a few 'Carrie ' moments in the relationship. Blood flooding down her naked body. God this is pure horror story.

I think there is still a lot of fear/self protection behind my anger.

[LilMissSunshine]

The fact that you are having dreams would indicate to me that you are healing. Even though the dreams are disturbing your mind is beginning to function enough to release your subconscious.

Thank you Perfidy and I'm sorry for your suffering too.  Why do you think it is then, that I feel like I'm being punished instead of healing?  I mean all the depression, anger, emotions?  No neutral ground - not even sleep can keep protect us for a little while.  IDK.  It just seems unfair to have to go through all this suffering because we loved someone.

Yep more dreams of her, always ends up a bit taxidermy/automiton lots of flesh pealed back undead stuff.  Jesus am I going mad .

I had quite a few 'Carrie ' moments in the relationship. Blood flooding down her naked body. God this is pure horror story.

I think there is still a lot of fear/self protection behind my anger.

Hey Changing... Yes, I soo know what your going through.  I read in another thread where you were sorta bracing yourself or dreading another nights sleep.  I guess we just have to hang in there and hope this passes like everyone says it will.  Hope your doing better   

[LittleMilly]

I had several nightmares after my breakup. I'd never had such horrible dreams! I found that somewhere hidden within my dream (it was the same one, reoccurring), there was an issue I hadn't dealt with or even acknowledged. Once I started to realise that and face it, the dreams got less and less.

Now, I have been NC for 2 years (today! Wow) and I haven't had a nightmare about him in ages. Hopefully, if you look into your dreams enough (I know thinking about them is tough) maybe you will find something you have overlooked? Either in yourself or something about the relationship which still bugs you. I found that writing mine down, and drawing them helped a lot.

Hope that helps you

Milly x

[LilMissSunshine]

First, SUPER CONGRATS on the two years     .

I had several nightmares after my breakup. I'd never had such horrible dreams. I found that somewhere hidden within my dream (it was the same one, reoccurring), there was an  issue I hadn't dealt with or even acknowledged . Once I started to realise that and face it, the dreams got less and less.

Now, I have been NC for 2 years (today. Wow) and I haven't had a nightmare about him in ages. Hopefully, if you look into your dreams enough (I know thinking about them is tough) maybe you will find something you have overlooked? Either in yourself or  something about the relationship which still bugs you . I found that writing mine down, and drawing them helped a lot.

Hope that helps you

Milly x

Added to Perfidy's coment about healing, I think you might be on to something here LM.  It's just that the nightmares are so chaotic and violent it's hard to process them.  Brings back memories of the physical abuse, which I guess I'm suppressing.  Perhaps it is my subconscious prompting me to deal with that issue.  :'(  I don't want to though.  I just want to forget about it and bury it.  :'(

[LittleMilly]

Brings back memories of the physical abuse, which I guess I'm suppressing.  Perhaps it is my subconscious prompting me to deal with that issue.  :'(  I don't want to though.  I just want to forget about it and bury it.  :'(

 Well I think you might have just found your answer I know it will be hard, and maybe you don't have to deal with it right now, but just admitting that you know you will have to deal with it, you haven't just forgotten about it, maybe that will help?

Thanks for the congrats, I didn't even realise it was 2 years! Probably about 18 months since the last nightmare, but I could still describe it in perfect detail. Those things are horrible and I hope yours stop soon

Milly x

[Perfidy]

The fact that you are having dreams would indicate to me that you are healing. Even though the dreams are disturbing your mind is beginning to function enough to release your subconscious.

Thank you Perfidy and I'm sorry for your suffering too.  Why do you think it is then, that I feel like I'm being punished instead of healing?  I mean all the depression, anger, emotions?  No neutral ground - not even sleep can keep protect us for a little while.  IDK.  It just seems unfair to have to go through all this suffering because we loved someone.

Yep more dreams of her, always ends up a bit taxidermy/automiton lots of flesh pealed back undead stuff. Jesus am I going mad.

I had quite a few 'Carrie ' moments in the relationship. Blood flooding down her naked body. God this is pure horror story.

I think there is still a lot of fear/self protection behind my anger.

Hey Changing... Yes, I soo know what your going through.  I read in another thread where you were sorta bracing yourself or dreading another nights sleep.  I guess we just have to hang in there and hope this passes like everyone says it will.  Hope your doing better 

The reason we are suffering is because we are human. We a good people that have a conscience and we feel. It's something we do because we are capable of loving. It's healthy believe it or not. Getting stuck in grief isn't healthy. Therapy, counseling, support... . The tire chains for the wheels of your heart.

[myself]

I had a dream last night where she had been moved out for quite awhile and I was looking through the things she left behind, trying to find an answer as to why she was gone. It was just a couple of boxes of ripped up clothes, wet photographs, ruined paper with illegible writing, and broken dishes. I was literally trying to understand this mess in a dream. As when I'm awake, it didn't make much sense.

[growing_wings]

LittleMS... thanks for sharing this so openly as it allows me to see i am not the only one (as for the replies, is actually quite a few of us.

sorry to hear you are having nightmares , indeed, I have also heard dreaming is the way our mind process things and let things go. I hope this is the case.

I also have dreams, i dream with her a lot, not violent anymore. Only at the beginning of the BU i woke up twice thinking she was outside my door when i heard noises in the street, back then I would have a mini panic attack. no more of those , but i still dream of her almost every day

[Dutched]

I recognize the drama within ourselves.

3 yrs post break up now. Finalized divorce 4 months ago.

For a 2 years I woke up “soaking wet” in the morning, “cold sweat”! Even now sometimes the same.

Sometimes I woke up in a dream in which she was present.  By playing back those dreams I discovered she violated all of my core believes and standards. Realising how I fought for years to keep my self esteem,  to keep up all of myself!

In sleep, muscles are paralyzed (obvious) so the body has no other option than to wake you up and/or to let it flow via the body itself.

As easy as it sounds again, it is part of the process (it hurts, hurts and hurts). The mind is processing absents of “the drug” of being in a R/S , in my case going  “cold turkey”, as she left in an outburst after 3+ decades.

[LilMissSunshine]

Thank you for sharing everyone.  I'm so sorry for everyone who deals with the nightmare stuff.  When I wake up from one it feels like what I suppose may be a panic attack    I have to get up and "shake it off".  It's scary.  It's chaotic.

The thing is, and I know we have to play this out, why do we have to suffer so?  I mean, we suffer so much during our waking moments dealing with all this hit_.  I wish my head would just completely shut off at night.  I guess I could handle it better if the healing were short term but why do we have to suffer so long and so hard just because we loved someone      

[growing_wings]

Thank you for sharing everyone.  I'm so sorry for everyone who deals with the nightmare stuff.  When I wake up from one it feels like what I suppose may be a panic attack   I have to get up and "shake it off".  It's scary.  It's chaotic.

The thing is, and I know we have to play this out, why do we have to suffer so?  I mean, we suffer so much during our waking moments dealing with all this ___.  I wish my head would just completely shut off at night.  I guess I could handle it better if the healing were short term but why do we have to suffer so long and so hard just because we loved someone     

i guess we suffer because, unlike them, we feel our emotions?. feeling them is the only way out.

last night, my dreams included her... .   sigh, indeed, we suffer too long.

healing is a personal journey, and how much we suffer to get out depends on us. I read some folks get out of this ordeal sooner (perhaps) as they take strong steps and decisions that allow them to move on. not breaking NC, blocking them for good, etc.etc...   i hope i dont dream of her tonight again.