im losing my sight can someone help see?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

so i find myself, back here. dont get me wrong, i love this place, i supported me when nothing else could.

but here i am, with my mind exploding and imploding.

long story short 3y r/s with exBPDgf, loved to death blah blah, she did some shady sht, i finally took the pill and here i am.

she went NC, then i went to see the kid. our contact was then limited to the boy.

first off i know she been seeing at least 1 dude and talking to others before we "broke up" and even right now!

well she sent me a txt saying if she could vent to me as i was the one who "truly" knew what she was... . how she was suffering, having a hard time and being impulsive. told her to find BPD help and she said she might, she said thank you "crying" and saying good night.

my 1st mistake, was for some reason, going to her house, to find her gone.

well now she called me saying shes getting kicked out and moving out, i acted cold and indifferent which i regret looking back.

mistake number 2 i texted her and she replied, then i sent a txt saying sorry i just wanted to tell her i should have asked if she has a place to stay for tonight (she has a kid) but its late (1am) i said i knew it was late and i was sorry but i wanted to tell her.

she of course... . didnt reply back. i then said sorry if i bothered and peace.

im feeling really confused, im not sure if all this even real, i dont know what to think. im back in the fog, my mind back inside the tornado.

obviously she was awake since she replied, i can only imagine she was home or god knows where.

im back in the mess... . how did this happen? i THOUGHT i was doing good... .

someone please enlighten me or show me the tallest bridge...

[MellowOddFellow]

so i find myself, back here. dont get me wrong, i love this place, i supported me when nothing else could.

but here i am, with my mind exploding and imploding.

long story short 3y r/s with exBPDgf, loved to death blah blah, she did some shady sht, i finally took the pill and here i am.

she went NC, then i went to see the kid. our contact was then limited to the boy.

first off i know she been seeing at least 1 dude and talking to others before we "broke up" and even right now!

well she sent me a txt saying if she could vent to me as i was the one who "truly" knew what she was... . how she was suffering, having a hard time and being impulsive. told her to find BPD help and she said she might, she said thank you "crying" and saying good night.

my 1st mistake, was for some reason, going to her house, to find her gone.

well now she called me saying shes getting kicked out and moving out, i acted cold and indifferent which i regret looking back.

mistake number 2 i texted her and she replied, then i sent a txt saying sorry i just wanted to tell her i should have asked if she has a place to stay for tonight (she has a kid) but its late (1am) i said i knew it was late and i was sorry but i wanted to tell her.

she of course... . didnt reply back. i then said sorry if i bothered and peace.

im feeling really confused, im not sure if all this even real, i dont know what to think. im back in the fog, my mind back inside the tornado.

obviously she was awake since she replied, i can only imagine she was home or god knows where.

im back in the mess... . how did this happen? i THOUGHT i was doing good... .

someone please enlighten me or show me the tallest bridge...

[santa]

Don't talk to her, ever, under any circumstances, and you will start to feel better in a couple of weeks.

If you get the urge to talk to her, just remember that she's probably got some other guy in her mouth. Then remember what other stuff she's probably been doing all over town with God knows who. Hopefully, at that point, you won't want to talk to her and you can get to the next day without breaking contact.

[fromheeltoheal]

The "truly" part and the "crying" part was her looking for an attachment.  You bit, she knows she still has hooks in you, she got soothed, time to lose interest.

The focus needs to be on what you want.  Will you ever get it from her?  Do you know why you tried anyway?

[MellowOddFellow]

ugh i got the worst feeling right now, because i know i got sucked right back into it and even then i knew it

i tried telling myself that at this point is more of like basic human care for another human, trying to imagine how hellish having BPD is and the fact that she plain out said it and admitted to looking for help. i guess i tried not to sound like me, but a helping voice, how getting help is all about her and for her only, that i would be glad if she took care of her life.

i dont know whats real any more than she does, its so surreal, complex and sadly hurtful.

while i no longer have desire to be her partner or friend, i DO acknowledge her place in my life, i have to, for now i am who i am and as all humans should i cant help but care even at a basic level. shes a person whom i shared my life with, and while all that might be gone shes still another soul living in pain and ill always remember that.

i have doubts about whats the right thing to do, not for just her or me or the fantasy, but whats right for this fellow person and the world

[fromheeltoheal]

ugh i got the worst feeling right now, because i know i got sucked right back into it and even then i knew it

i tried telling myself that at this point is more of like basic human care for another human, trying to imagine how hellish having BPD is and the fact that she plain out said it and admitted to looking for help. i guess i tried not to sound like me, but a helping voice, how getting help is all about her and for her only, that i would be glad if she took care of her life.

i dont know whats real any more than she does, its so surreal, complex and sadly hurtful.

while i no longer have desire to be her partner or friend, i DO acknowledge her place in my life, i have to, for now i am who i am and as all humans should i cant help but care even at a basic level. shes a person whom i shared my life with, and while all that might be gone shes still another soul living in pain and ill always remember that.

i have doubts about whats the right thing to do, not for just her or me or the fantasy, but whats right for this fellow person and the world

You know how when you're in an airplane and they tell you in case of loss in cabin pressure, you should put your oxygen mask on first before you help your child?  Same thing applies here.  We can't help people at our own expense, it's suicidal.  We need to take care of ourselves first, so we have something to give.  And a borderline is like a fellow passenger perpetually starving for oxygen, someone who will only take while creating the illusion, with you, that they are giving and that you are getting what you need.  Take care a you!

[MellowOddFellow]

I don't think I have fully dealt with the different "sides" of her inside my head.

Its throwing me off really bad I guess meaning im not fully detached.

I have been trying to focus more on myself. Slow but steady i guess.

I'm starting to understand that I cant get what i need from her, that probably none of it was real.

Anyways actions always speak louder and no matter the pain I can see the truth through my eyelids even when they're closed.

I'm still trying to heal from it all, from her, from life and most importantly from myself.

Trying to make the best from the past is far from easy or painless.

Thanks all for listening.

[Changingman]

I think it's hard because you get no closure from them. I never really understood what this truly meant before. As you said thy leave you in such confusion you are left in limbo. This is the trap, they don't want closure that would be to much about lose, being alone, abandonment, a accepting faults on both sides, some kind end to a love affair. But they can't do this. If they feel it they will be in core wound torment and what they feel is apparently reality.

No contact is to give us space to stop the game, get some perspective, accept that we were abused, heal.

Wish they just didn't exist anymore, but they do.

[Learning_curve74]

You know how when you're in an airplane and they tell you in case of loss in cabin pressure, you should put your oxygen mask on first before you help your child?  Same thing applies here.  We can't help people at our own expense, it's suicidal.  We need to take care of ourselves first, so we have something to give.  And a borderline is like a fellow passenger perpetually starving for oxygen, someone who will only take while creating the illusion, with you, that they are giving and that you are getting what you need.  Take care a you!

I agree 100% with what heal wrote. 

It is totally understandable that you care for her well-being, she is, like you said, somebody who you loved and cared for and shared your life with for a time. Maybe you wanted to take care of her, and maybe she wanted you to take care of her. You're both grownups. Please remember that she got by before you came along, and she got by after you were gone, a person with BPD is much more resourceful than many of us here think. Just like you might not be able to trust her words, you should also not trust her facade of being helpless.

"Take care of yourself." What does that mean to you?

[MellowOddFellow]

Its been about 3 weeks of no or very limited contact. Not much but it definitely feels a lot longer, I guess because of her fast "moving on"

Although I'm processing right now that I'll never be with her again, that she is not the girl in love with and that shes just fine living her reckless life (her coping) it still gets to me.

I still feel certain urges towards her, almost compulsive thoughts and while these thoughts aren't always about her, the nature of the pattern is very intriguing, I can't tell if its her or my own thoughts but the way it works I always end up thinking about her.

While working on myself also having strong desires to pick up the relationship knowing that I no longer see her as a partner or lover but it still matters a lot to me that she acknowledges me I guess... . Like I know I don't want her, but I want her to want me.

Contradicting thoughts, never ending scenarios, mixed feelings and surreal love is all she left me.