Beginning Stages of RTC Placement - Continuation of Daughter was Arrested.

[raytamtay3]

My DD's CM called today to inform me that she was moving forward with her recommendation for out of home placement and preparing applications to send to various Dual Diagnoses RTC centers in preparation of the court order sure to ensue shortly. So the ball is rollin.

DD called me a little while ago to ask if I was still planning on pressing charges. I tried to divert the answer by saying I needed to think about it in an effort to defuse another potential situation. She said well if I don't give her an answer by tonight, she isn't going to comply any further with her probation requirements. Last night was the first night she did mind you. She came home while not by 7, by 7:30 which I over looked... .

Why do I go blank in thinking when she approaches me like this? I've never been a quick thinker but rather I need to ponder and come up with answers wherein my DH is quick on his feet and will say what he would say, which always sounds so brilliant!

So I turn to you fine people to ask how do I try and reinforce that I am proceeding in an effort to get her the help she needs, but still diffusing what I'm sure if going to be a major blow up again? I have my DS6 with me this week and do not want him exposed to this.



Daughter was Arrested

Daughter was Arrested (Part 2)

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Ok I think I got it. Tell me what you think?

When she asks again I'm going to tell her that yes I am proceeding with the charges. That I know this may feel like betrayal to her but that she has to trust me when I tell her that I'm doing what I believe in my heart it for her own good.

I will validate her feelings, listen with empathy and try not to react to any negativity she may exhibit.

[Verbena]

I've been following your story with your DD, and my heart goes out to you.  Your planned response sounds fine to me.  The real question is how to protect your DS6 from the explosion that is most likely coming.  Is there any way your husband could take him somewhere for a little while before your daughter comes home? He should not have to be around any of this, and if he is I can see that being a big problem for your ex-husband who will certainly hear about it. 

I would be prepared to call the police if DD goes completely balistic.  Again, whatever you do, keeping your young son away from his sister's chaos is the most important thing. 

I'll be praying for you.

[raytamtay3]

I've asked my ex if he could keep him longer but he has to work this week. My stomach is flip flopping every time I think of it.


Heading out. Wish me luck!  :'(

[maxen]

good luck, raytamtay. i've been reading your story too and i haven't commented because i haven't had anything to add in the face of your amazing strength. i don't have children but i do have mother issues (in addition to a divorce from my BPDw) so i can sympathise with you to on that score.

in my very humble opinion,

She said well if I don't give her an answer by tonight, she isn't going to comply any further with her probation requirements.

it's not up to her to dictate to you, you must do what's best for her - but also for yourself. do you want to keep living in this situation? she clearly understands what consequences are, she just doesn't want to face them.

[raytamtay3]

Thanks Max and thank all of you. She called me on my way home from work and asked what my decision was. I told her we will talk when i got home. Long story short police just left to go write up another property damage report because she threw a plate against the wall and left yet another gauge in our house. The damage was already done by the time i got home. She was walking out as i was walking in. I asked her to please just talk with me. She said f u and took off.with her friend who had just pulled up.  Im waiting here for cops to co,e back with this new report to sign it. Pray for my dd that she doesnt do anything stupid to harm herself tonight. Sorry for typos. Typing from my phone. Anyway police asked if i wanted them to go get her and bring her home. Uh no! Let her cool off. Ive avoided bodily injury lets keep it at that.

[raytamtay3]

Ps i talked ex in to keeping ds tonight and until everything blows over. I miss my buddy but have to keep hom safe. Of course ex is making me feel guilty for this. Just two days ago he agreed this needed to be done and once again is back peddling. I believe ex also has traits.of BPD. He does.have ocd. He has always fought me on getting dd help. My first order of business when i left him was getting dd help. Its been my mission. He still gets in my head. Over twenty years we were together and old habits are hard to break. Kudos to tbose of u who got out sooner.

[raytamtay3]

She came home last night around 10:00 stoned because she said she's going away anyway so she mind as well enjoy it now. I was actually surprised she came home. But I'm guessing it's because her friend has school today so I anticipate her staying out this weekend.

Spoke to her case manager this morning who informed me that the courts are not mandated to make a recommendation for RTC! I was like what? I've been getting conflicting information since the inception of this process and it's getting real old. She said that she is having DD evaluated and that the evaluator will recommend it. I asked her if she guarantees me she will? I said I can't keep pressing these charges thinking it's going to help get DD in to a RTC only to have her end up in a detention center!

When we first started this second round of services with this agency, I was told that they could recommend out of home and that given the behaviours my DD exhibited, it was pretty much a guarantee she would be placed out of home. Then I was told that that only happens when all other interventions were unsuccesful. Then I was told that now that she is 14, she can refuse to go to an out of home place! Then I was told the only way we could get her in is if she got into the judicial system! Then she gets busted and we are told by the judge now that if she saw her again with any further charges, she was having it court ordered that she be placed in a RTC. Now I'm being told that even that might not happen through the judicial system and we are back to the agency who is to make the recommendation. WTH? I'm really getting aggitated now. I'm pretty much one of the calmest people. But if I find out I'm doing this all for nothing, I think I'm going to finally blow a gasket.

Just got off the phone with her PO. She said that it's true that CMO will have to make the recommendation but feels based off of these incidences, the evalutaor will make the recommendation so not to worry. Then said that she is going to recoomend DD go to a shleter day of court until an RTC is selected. But she can't guarantee that will happen. But she will recommend it.  I'm spent.

[Being Mindful]

Hi Ray,

I hear how spent you are. I'm so very sad for you. This is a very, very tough situation. I don't want to burden you more, but if you could... . research RTC's for a private placement, not court ordered. I know it will take effort to also find the funding, but it can be done and it might be better for you to work this without the judicial system. Just a thought.

[raytamtay3]

Hi Ray,

I hear how spent you are. I'm so very sad for you. This is a very, very tough situation. I don't want to burden you more, but if you could... . research RTC's for a private placement, not court ordered. I know it will take effort to also find the funding, but it can be done and it might be better for you to work this without the judicial system. Just a thought.

Our CMO is doing the leg work; sending in applications, etc. in prepation. So once she has a listing of those wiling to accept her, that's when I plan on stepping in and choosing the best one.

DD just called me and is saying things like "do you realize if you send me away for a year I won't be able to go to high school like normal people"? She is due to start HS next year. But she is currently on homebound instruction on an IEP for emotional disturbance after being suspended last year 10 times for intimidation, harrasment, premeditated assault on a student, insubordination to staff and inappropriate language.

How can they see themselves as the victims where it's their actions that cause this? When I mentioned to her that she needed to find a better way to express her feelings rather than destroying things her response was "oh that was nothing. It could have been much worse". Wow... .

[Being Mindful]

I'm suggesting it in case the system falls through and doesn't provide a placement. Then, you have a back up.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

Wouldn't she have to be willing to go in that case though? That's what I've been told which is why we went this route to begin with. If DD had it her way, she'd rather go to a detention center than an RTC she's said.

[maxen]

How can they see themselves as the victims where it's their actions that cause this?

my situation is hardly yours raytam, but, i've faced this too and that's the disorder. honestly, if you're rational you can't fathom it. at least i can't.

[Being Mindful]

Wouldn't she have to be willing to go in that case though? That's what I've been told which is why we went this route to begin with. If DD had it her way, she'd rather go to a detention center than an RTC she's said.

No, she wouldn't have to be willing. I have not heard of a kid that is willing or wanting to go to an RTC, not to say that it doesn't happen. A good RTC will have a plan to help your DD adjust and get her buy in to do the work she needs to do. And, your daughter is in no condition to say what she needs or what she'd rather do. Clearly, she cannot take care of herself or keep herself safe and she is hurting the family. She needs you to make these decisions for her since she can't.

[raytamtay3]

Thanks Being Mindful! Will do!

[qcarolr]

raytamtay3

This stage of the process is so hard - all the waiting and uncertainty. Even if detention center is the sentence initially - it is still a 'natural consequence' to her drug use. It also will place her in a safe place out of your home and away from your ds. It is a very difficult thing when our BPDchild puts us on the blaming end of their emotional distress.

What support do you have just for you? As I have gathered support in many directions around myself, I have come to accept that my DD27 needs someone else - other than me at times - to make these decisions. And to accept that DD is not going to cooperate. And that DD will do everything within her power to transfer her distress to me. I have to find the strength to not take it on - feel guilty about doing the best thing possible for my child.

Hang in there - you are on the right track. Keep on top of everyone involved in her life with the rtc goal uppermost in everyone's mind.

qcr

ps. my dd27 entered detox by order of her PO. This is the first time. So wish we had accepted the depth of her issues when she was in high school and gone for more intensive treatments options. She was always able to talk her way out of hospitalization - got it together during the wait for mental health assessment in ER. Most often the professionals ended up accepting her blame on us as 'abusive parents'! Don't wait - it only gets harder. In our state, once DD turned 16 she could exclude us from contact with mental health staff.

[muffetbuffet]

raytamtay3 -- Hang in there.  You are doing the right thing and trying to help your daughter.  The mental health system is a broken system! My dd is 16 and has significant issues.  RIght now we are fighting the battle of her wanting to live with boyfriend's family as we are such horrible parents and we have ruined her life.  Anyhow, we have been through the ER and RTF placement issues.  It is very difficult to handle emotionally in all respects.  We too were in the same boat as you that our daughter was emotionally and verbally attacking us every chance she had right prior to her placement.  As hard as it was leaving her there, I can remember walking out of the building holding my husband's hand and crying.  Not crying out of sadness, but crying as a sense of relief.  A sense of relief that I knew dd was in a safe place with people who could monitor and keep her safe 24/7 and also relief that my husband and I could take a little bit of time for ourselves.  To some people that sounds selfish, but we all get lost in dealing with our children.  As hard as it is to do, we need to take care of ourselves so that we can be the advocates that our children need us to be.  Praying that you are able to get the help that your dd and your family so need.

[raytamtay3]

Tonight will be the second time we meet with the PO and of course my nerves are shot again.  I have to bring in my log of her violations. I hate that I feel like a snitch on this crap. She is suppose to meet with us seperately as she is aware that certain things I say are triggers to DD. I'm about to call her to make sure she doesn't mention anything about the additional charges or what I'm disclosing to her about her curfew violations. I have to drive home with DD. She has grabbed the wheel of my car once before over something stupid, so I know for a fact she'd do something over this! Her aggressive outbursts are getting worse and worse.

If DH didn't drive us for her first meeting, I know for a fact things would have gotten ugly on the way home. But she just cursed me out.

[jellibeans]

raytamtay3

I hope your meeting goes well... . I will be thinking of you.

[raytamtay3]

Thanks jellibeans. But it didn't even happen. DD blew it off! She called me asking me to reschedule it. I told she can't and to read the letter on the island in the kitchen that states when she is scheduled to go. She said "F u I'm not going". So yet another mark againt her.

I have to admit that even I am shocked at this behaviour lately. I know it's probably because in I sr mind, she's going away so what's the sense. But if it were me, I would do everything in my power to abide by it. Even after the last incident of taking more Xanax. I would do what I was suppose to do and plead with the judge to give me one more chance.

She also almost refused to have her tutoring today. Why? Because she didn't do her homework. Homework she had a week to do. Called begging me to reschedule that too. I said no. She canceled before saying she was sick. Made the poor woman stand out in the cold for 10 minutes before finally letting her in! I'm mortified!

[jellibeans]

The ODD makes things so much worse... . I have a key phrase I say to my dd16... . it is a wake up call and is one we have repeated several times... . when things are really bad and she is deregulated we tell her "she is digging a hole" the more she digs the deeper it gets... . I find now when I say that it helps bring her down a bit and she stops.

Sometimes things just have to get really bad before they start making their way out of the hole... . I hope your dd puts down her shovel soon.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

That's what I always tell her. She's only digging herself deeper. And I got to admit, she's making it very easy for me when she behaves like this.   (in that I don't feel as guilty sending her away)

[crumblingdad]

You'll feel even less guilt if she gets into an RTC with proper treatment and comes out regulated and stabilized with skills needed to live life.

Keep in mind that the dysregulation our BPD children suffer is their own personal hell far worse then even the stress and disorder it brings to our lives.

She might hate you initially but I assure you she will thank you down the road and no matter how dysregulated she is behind all this is your beautiful child who would love to feel "normal" as much as everyone around her wishes she could. 

Keep your chin up its a long hard battle and you're doing an amazing job!

[MammaMia]

Raytay

I agree.  The only other option is to do nothing.  That will not stop your dd's downward spiral. 

I hope she cooperates and sees the opportunity she has been given as a positive. 

We never know how they will react... . but you are doing the right thing.  The rest is up to her.

[raytamtay3]

You'll feel even less guilt if she gets into an RTC with proper treatment and comes out regulated and stabilized with skills needed to live life.

True! Thanks!

[raytamtay3]

Parenting question here. As you may remember, DD is court ordered to abide by a 7:00 curfew Mon - Fri and 9:00 on the weekends. She has relentlessly tried to get me to look the other way on this. I said no. So she pushes it anyway and either comes home late, if at all, or she will call me from her friend's phone around 10:00/10:30 asking me to pick her up. I've been ignoring her calls/texts figuring if she could get to the friend's house, she can get herself home. This is usually when she ends up sleeping over the friend's house though.

How would you handle? Would you still go pick your child up? I'm not budging on the curfew thing. She thought she had it bad when I started with her having an 8:00 curfew and her still pushing it and my ending up telling her to make sure she is home by the 10:00 township curfew. Of course this was before the arrest and also she pushed past that time too.

[jellibeans]

Is there some way to report her infractions? What is the point to having a crewfew if there are no consequences for ignoring the time? Seems to be a waste of time and energy... .

[MammaMia]

Yes, she is willfully violating her probation with no consequences.  She is in control.

[crumblingdad]

My opinion is the boundary is the boundary and if she is not home within 15 minutes of curfew then she may not be safe.  I've had a black and white line throughout and with her probation it gives you that line to easily use.  If not safe I call law enforcement and report her missing.

I personally would call each and every time she's more then 15 minutes late.  Nothing she can be doing is likely to be healthy when she's late in the state she's in.

[raytamtay3]

Is there some way to report her infractions? What is the point to having a crewfew if there are no consequences for ignoring the time? Seems to be a waste of time and energy... .

Oh it's being reported dear. Her PO, therapist, lawyer and posecutors are all aware. So she WILL have a consequence.

Thanks.