Im afraid to finally let go for good

[Depression = 72% of members]

She's been living with another BF for the past 6 months (been in NC I initiated since that time) and I'm dating other women now.

I was angry for awhile, then went through the idealization then accepted that we were not good together in a relationship.

I recently heard her new relationship isn't all wine and roses and I thought I would feel happy about that but I dont. Instead I feel this urge to try and rescue her and let her know I'm there if she needs me but I know better than to act on it and Im going to stay with no contact.

I know the best thing is to finally go forward and let her go out of my mind but it scares me for some reason that I can't explain.

Is this normal?

[geesunday]

She's been living with another BF for the past 6 months (been in NC I initiated since that time) and I'm dating other women now.

I was angry for awhile, then went through the idealization then accepted that we were not good together in a relationship.

I recently heard her new relationship isn't all wine and roses and I thought I would feel happy about that but I dont. Instead I feel this urge to try and rescue her and let her know I'm there if she needs me but I know better than to act on it and Im going to stay with no contact.

I know the best thing is to finally go forward and let her go out of my mind but it scares me for some reason that I can't explain.

Is this normal?

[santa]

Do it!

Why would you want a girl that's been getting worn out by some other dude for the last 6 months anyway? Find someone better and forget about that crazy BPD.

Staying in contact is pointless.

[Lucky Jim]

Sure, it's normal to have second thoughts, but the sad reality is that a r/s with a pwBPD isn't built to last, in my view.  What is it about movin' on that you are afraid of?  Maybe if you sit with your feelings you will be able to resolve this issue and get on with your life.  Plenty of folks here, including me, have recycled many times, but I don't recommend it!  Lucky Jim

[geesunday]

What is it about movin' on that you are afraid of? 

I know it's irrational but I still harbor fears of her hurting herself even though I know now most of that was not real because she did fine on her own after our breakup.

And I feel that old feeling coming back in me where I felt like I was the only one who could help her at those times.

I've been lucky to have gotten so much emotional support from people since the breakup and I now feel emotionally strong again and I feel like I can handle a lot of things now. In a way, I feel like I need to help others again but I dont really have an outlet for it so I guess Im thinking of her again because she is the only person I directed my emotional support into for so long. 

[irishmarmot]

Perhaps she made you think that you were the only one that could help her.  Remember that the idealization is only an illusion,  it wasn't the way she really felt about you.  As you said she got along fine before you left and afterwards.   Were you happy with her?

[geesunday]

Perhaps she made you think that you were the only one that could help her.  Remember that the idealization is only an illusion,  it wasn't the way she really felt about you.  As you said she got along fine before you left and afterwards.   Were you happy with her?

No, I wasn't happy. I tried to set boundaries at first but those eventually crumbled and I drove the discussion to a mutual break up.

But my sense of self took a beating in the relationship to the point that I began to identify myself as her savior and let go of a bunch of the things that I used to take joy in.

Thankfully, I've managed to put most of everything back together for myself but I can't quite fully erase the part of me that identified as her savior.

It's crazy but the only thing I miss are the emotional meltdowns and frantic phone calls because at the time, I used to dread it and it caused me so much stress.I felt smothered and overwhelmed during those times. But right now, I can't remember what my anguish and grief felt like at that time. I wish I could remember how much emotional pain I was in back then but i can't.

[DivorcedNon]

geesunday,

I appreciate your honesty and self awareness. You recognize that you have this urge to rescue her! Now you have to recognize that you should not do it. 

If you are a policemen or a firemen I understand why would you want to rescue people. Adult relationships are about give and take not about rescuing others. You think she will appreciate you for rescuing her. Absolutely not! I had to learn it hard way just like most people on these boards.

Leave her and move on.

[geesunday]

geesunday,

I appreciate your honesty and self awareness. You recognize that you have this urge to rescue her! Now you have to recognize that you should not do it. 

If you are a policemen or a firemen I understand why would you want to rescue people. Adult relationships are about give and take not about rescuing others. You think she will appreciate you for rescuing her. Absolutely not! I had to learn it hard way just like most people on these boards.

Leave her and move on.

Thanks for the good perspective.

Im not a fireman or police officer but for most of my adult life I worked with at risk youth and young adults doing team building, coping and responsibility skills.

About a 6 months before I got into the relationship with my ex, I decided to take and office job because that was much more stable.

When I met her, I ended up channeling a lot of that energy into eventually trying to be a support for her. I had this tremendous reserve of energy and emotion in the beginning and thought I would be able to handle it because I had always done so before. I thought that since I had been a support person for so many emotionally troubled people over the years that I could deal with her problems when they surfaced 2 months into the relationship. But eventually she just wore me down.

After we broke up, I've stuck with my office job but I feel isolated in a lot of ways. I have a good social group and friends there for me but most of them are strong and balanced individuals and that's a good thing. But I feel this longing to connect with people who are dealing with emotional issues and looking for support and I think thats the main reason I've been thinking of her and all her problems lately.

[Lucky Jim]

I had this tremendous reserve of energy and emotion in the beginning and thought I would be able to handle it because I had always done so before. . . . But eventually she just wore me down.

Hey geesunday,  I find your description (above) to be honest and on target, because I felt much the same way about my BPDxW.  Yet eventually I found I had nothing left in the tank and had worn myself down to a frazzle trying to cope with the drama and stress of a BPD r/s.  Be careful before jumping back into the toxic soup.  What makes you think the outcome will be different?  LJ

[geesunday]

I had this tremendous reserve of energy and emotion in the beginning and thought I would be able to handle it because I had always done so before. . . . But eventually she just wore me down.

Hey geesunday,  I find your description (above) to be honest and on target, because I felt much the same way about my BPDxW.  Yet eventually I found I had nothing left in the tank and had worn myself down to a frazzle trying to cope with the drama and stress of a BPD r/s.  Be careful before jumping back into the toxic soup.  What makes you think the outcome will be different?  LJ

The outcome will be the same. I know that.

After thinking deeply about it I realized I was still carrying a little sense of failure about not being able to fix her and I was having an ego-related responses in wanting to try and prove that I was capable of fixing her now that I feel much better. My priorities need to stay centered on my own healing and I can't let that get side tracked by getting back into a situation that will end the same way it did before just to try and prove a point that can't be achieved.

[fiddlestix]

I know.  My ex BPD wife of 25 years is now living with a new young guy (she had many lovers while with me).  I sense all is not perfect with her boy toy as she still drinks heavily and they fight.  After a failed recycle last spring with me  she moved in with boy toy.  I have no contact.  Yet, I still think about her all the time.

I have a lovely lady friend, but I still crave my ex.  I can't let go.  She lied, abused, cheated, devalued, yelled, belittled, scoffed... . all the textbook BPD behaviors.  Yet, I want her to want me (sorry Cheap Trick).  Maybe because we were together for so long letting go is harder? 

Part of me thinks that with my new knowledge of BPD I could handle her better.  But that is probably a pipe dream.  Some days are easier than others, and over time it is getting better.  But I still hurt... . getting tired of it.  Thanks for reading.

Fiddle