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Author Topic: Thinking back to one of the sickest things ever said to me...  (Read 7012 times)
Madison66
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« on: January 24, 2014, 11:05:05 PM »

I'm out of a 3+ year strange, chaotic and nasty ride on the PD roller coaster with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  All I can say is that this may be the weirdest thing that a SO will ever say to me.  My ex, forty something with three young kids, had significant jealousy issues with my teen daughter.  She repeatedly would tell me she was jealous and resentful of my daughter.  That never set well with me.  One morning seconds after an intense session of sex, she said to me "sex is the only thing you share with me that you don't share with your daughter".  I was like What the heck?  She literally tried to say it was only normal to think and say that.  Again, O-M-G!  Maybe the worst part about this was that my daughter had just gotten out of the hospital, where she spent nine days in a "refeeding" program for an eating disorder.  She's doing great now, btw.  It gets worse.  About a month later, my daughter was doing well with her recovery and got to go on a cruise with her mom and grandparents.  I didn't see her for a couple weeks and when she came home, I scheduled a special dinner for her and I.  While I was at dinner with my daughter, which my ex gf 100% knew about, the ex gf started "sexting" me.  Again, while I was having a special dinner with my daughter, and after making the weird-ass statement a couple weeks before.  When I confronted my ex about it, she said I didn't have to look at phone and that she had every right to let me know how she felt.  This kinda messed with me and I even brought it up in couple's T and as always, my ex rationalized it even while being questioned by the T.  

It actually helps me to journal or post this craziness so I can purge and keep the awareness around how f'd up that r/s was.  That was really f'd up!



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santa
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« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2014, 11:14:24 PM »

BPDs hate it when anything takes attention away from them. How dare you have a nice dinner with anyone but her? Of course she had to ruin it for you.
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #2 on: January 25, 2014, 05:21:46 AM »

Madison,

That is really tough.  It sounds like your ex was feeling highly insecure because of your relationship with your daughter, and it triggered some coping mechanisms that were quite inappropriate.  This disorder can be so difficult – a lot of pain for both parties.  I'm sorry you went through it.

You want to keep awareness around how messed up the relationship was.  Could you say more about that?  Has there been communication issues or re-engagement attempts recently?

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« Reply #3 on: January 25, 2014, 06:57:55 AM »

   This is just plain wrong and disgusting! My exbf also had some weird thing going on when it comes to being insecure in regards to sex. It would manifest itself in him constantly showing pictures of his exgfs to me and asking me if I thought they were hot (they obviously were). I even remember that after the first night we spent together he would reminisce about an ex with the words 'she was perfect for me' (yet, still he dumped her).  Or tell me about some girl that could make him orgasm within 2 minutes… and this was DURING sex with me. What the heck?  
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Madison66
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« Reply #4 on: January 25, 2014, 10:50:48 AM »

"You want to keep awareness around how messed up the relationship was.  Could you say more about that?  Has there been communication issues or re-engagement attempts recently?"

30 days of n/c after I finally walked away about six weeks ago.  She tried to charm me immediately after the breakup, then about a week after and the last attempt came about three weeks ago.  I didn't respond to her text and have made efforts to avoid any contact.  The extremely challenging component here is that she lives a half a block away from me.  She rents a house and I bought a house on the block a year ago.  I'm hoping her and kids move in April when the lease is up.  The grand plan was that we were all going to live in this house, but over the past year the emotional abuse and dysfunction ramped up and I began to detach. 

With her proximity to my place, she had a history of showing up on my doorstep when she was emotionally dysregulated.  I've participated in recycling the r/s three or four times in the last year or so.  It has been quiet for a month, but I have a strong gut feeling something will happen in the near future.  The emotional abuse was both overt and covert, and then turned physical in the end.  I now see how she used sex to manipulate me and to keep me as the person she could continue to project her inner self hate on.  So, I'm playing a balancing game of self protection and healing.  I'm trying not to obsess over the bad stuff, but I feel I need to process those feeling and memories when they come up to help me with healing and my own accountability.  I have an outstanding T who is helping me deal with my FOO and with better aligning my logic, emotions and intuition.  In other words, to help me better listen to my gut as I didn't do in the past.  The last thing here is that I'm using my r/s with my daughter as a truth test.  Can decisions I make or r/s I choose to be in coexist with my r/s with my daughter?  I look at that r/s as utter truth and love, and where I live my true self.  The r/s with the ex gf couldn't and my gut finally won out.  Not easy and very much a journey I now accept that I must go through to grow and be free of toxic r/s.
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growing_wings
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« Reply #5 on: January 25, 2014, 11:22:55 AM »

a horrible example that shows their lack of boundaries. BPD's dont seem to care or understand what is right and what is wrong. As soon as they are not int he center of your attention, they will devalue or compare anything, even if that is totally and absolutely wrong (like this example)
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heartandwhole
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« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2014, 11:30:49 AM »

With her proximity to my place, she had a history of showing up on my doorstep when she was emotionally dysregulated.  I've participated in recycling the r/s three or four times in the last year or so.  It has been quiet for a month, but I have a strong gut feeling something will happen in the near future.  The emotional abuse was both overt and covert, and then turned physical in the end.  I now see how she used sex to manipulate me and to keep me as the person she could continue to project her inner self hate on.  So, I'm playing a balancing game of self protection and healing.  I'm trying not to obsess over the bad stuff, but I feel I need to process those feeling and memories when they come up to help me with healing and my own accountability.  I have an outstanding T who is helping me deal with my FOO and with better aligning my logic, emotions and intuition.  In other words, to help me better listen to my gut as I didn't do in the past.  The last thing here is that I'm using my r/s with my daughter as a truth test.  Can decisions I make or r/s I choose to be in coexist with my r/s with my daughter?  I look at that r/s as utter truth and love, and where I live my true self.  The r/s with the ex gf couldn't and my gut finally won out.  Not easy and very much a journey I now accept that I must go through to grow and be free of toxic r/s.

Madison,

I see what you mean about the potential for attempts to re-engage.  Your recovery with therapist sounds fantastic and like it's really helping you.  I think learning to listen to our guts is so valuable for all of us.  After my r/s with pwBPD, I didn't know what to listen to, and didn't trust my feelings anymore.  So, good for you for doing the work.  Your r/s with your daughter sounds so grounded and healthy, that is a great barometer to measure from, in my view. 

I would encourage you to focus on yourself and your daughter, when you can, to the exclusion of anything else.  It takes time and doesn't progress in a straight line.  Of course you want to process your feelings around what happened, that is really understandable.  We're here for you, keep writing. 

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« Reply #7 on: January 26, 2014, 03:58:01 PM »

he said/says a lot of heartless things to me, but until now, I can still relativate them, actually they often were so crazy I didn't even felt offended 

usually he's critisizing on my looks, like my "terrible hair", and then he's suggesting to paint it blonde (mine is dark brown, I would never paint it blonde) but one time we were sitting in the car and he was watching my face in profile and he said out of the blue: "hey, shouldn't you have your chin corrected, it's so pointy", I was litterally stupefied, noone has ever said anything about my chin, and in one second I felt like some old ugly witch      after the first shock I just told him that his reaction was rude and he was truly surprised, as if it really wasn't about hurting me but just an advice to make me look better (better as in: so that he can show off with me, it means)

I don't care , he's just a big child, after all 
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lemon flower
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« Reply #8 on: January 26, 2014, 04:06:46 PM »

... . but these are the "innocent" incidents, whta is worse is that I have told him some intimate details of my "life before him" and he has tried to hurt me with that information various times, that's when you realise that you can become a victim of a very nasty action anytime, I wish I never told him anything !
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Jayhawk21
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« Reply #9 on: January 26, 2014, 04:12:13 PM »

My exgfwBPD Once told me that my daughter was overweight bc of me, my oldest som has mental problems bc of me, when we were in a fight.

A week later when I tried to get her to apologize she said she was justified when we are fighting.
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SicMDawgs

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« Reply #10 on: January 26, 2014, 04:34:16 PM »

After not seeing or talking to my ex for 23 years, by text only. He told me I broke up with him for a man with a bigger d/@&. ! What a classy , educated thing for a 47 year old man to say  to a woman.  Yeah , to think I worry about this man day &  night because his marriage of not quite 2 years and his life is a train wreck.  I need my head examined.!
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Pearl55
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« Reply #11 on: January 26, 2014, 05:49:34 PM »

SicMDawgs

Do you know what my husband told me when I wanted to leave his house?

You've got such a nice ^%#+ , you are only good for F%^%. I won't be able to find a young sexy woman like you again.

How disgusting and sick was his comments as a medical doctor? I feel sick of him so badly.
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SicMDawgs

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« Reply #12 on: January 26, 2014, 05:59:35 PM »

Wow Pearl55... . yes that is sick. As I think back over my last year with my ex back in my life by text only, we live in different states, many sick and horrible things have been sent to my phone. I could not tell you or count how much porn or dominant/submissive senerio s. I really think so much more besides BPD is going on. Glad I did not marry him.
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Tausk
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« Reply #13 on: January 26, 2014, 06:06:35 PM »

Madison:  Sorry.  It's very painful trying to process the things that are said.  Especially in light of the many times when the most wonderful loving things are said.  And part of the disconnect for me was no matter what was being said, my ex felt that she was telling the truth.

I've learned to try and not take it personally because it's part of the disorder.  :)ysregulation came when my ex would feel insecure about anyone or anything that was not about her... . my mother, my sister, my job, the neighbors, my friends... .

Think about a traumatized three year old with a very limited sense of self.  And think about the emotional stability of some that three year old.  If they feel that mom or dad may leave, they will say and do anything to stop that from happening.  

It's not personal. It's the disorder and the disorder has no bearing in the rational thought process of us ex partners on this side of the board.  

I had to learn to focus on myself.  To find space. To establish boundaries.  I found a Therapist and used the board.  It gets better.  Then I was able to take care of myself and family.  Clearing the FOG is more like lifting a wet heavy wool blanket covering my entire being.  But recovery is possible.

thanks for being here,

T
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lemon flower
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« Reply #14 on: January 27, 2014, 05:46:28 AM »

it' s definitely ALL about the disorder that they are so cruel:

- the anger makes them say irrational things

- they WANT to shock you and hurt you because they want you to feel as bad as they do

- it's all about the black and white thinking: when I'm black; he says I'm ugly, old, selfish, noone would want me, when I'm white: I'm suddenly a topmodel, I look gorgeous and classy, I'm too good for him, I'm his angel on earth... .

- they tend to threaten you in a childish way of thinking that it will keep you from leaving them, my ex has once threatened he would kill my sister's baby! afterwards he couldn't remember anything of it, and ofcourse he would never do that, but still it was really shocking to hear!

(he also threatened to rape me... . )

and lots of BPD's definitely have issues with sex, it must be something to do with domination, the physical relieve they feel during and after sex, the pain when they are rejected,... . also they have poor ethic/moral values and I suppose they have trouble to make the difference between all the porn they see on the net and real sexual relations !
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Madison66
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« Reply #15 on: January 27, 2014, 11:08:31 AM »

"And part of the disconnect for me was no matter what was being said, my ex felt that she was telling the truth."

WOW - that is so TRUE of what I encountered during the r/s!  It didn't matter how unhealthy, hurtful or just plain unneeded she'd say things and then justify by saying she was expressing her feelings and that they were true.  I understand now that she had issues with me focusing attention on my daughter or with my continued effort to be a good dad.  It was all extremely irrational to me considering she has three young kids with loads of issues and way more needy of her attention than my daughter.  She'd also use my daughter as a "tool" to get me upset.  PD or not, this was all unacceptable to me and helped me see the light that I needed to leave the r/s.

As some of these nasty memories bubble to the surface, I'm really trying to feel, process and release.  Again, this is something that will not be acceptable behavior in my life moving forward.

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halfnelson

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« Reply #16 on: January 27, 2014, 11:12:54 AM »

Glad you're out of that. Such a horrible and strange thing to say. To be honest, that sounds like dangerous thinking that could have escalated, so I'm glad you could get out of the situation and I'm sure it must be such a relief to get these things off your chest.
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growing_wings
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« Reply #17 on: January 27, 2014, 11:32:45 AM »

... . but these are the "innocent" incidents, whta is worse is that I have told him some intimate details of my "life before him" and he has tried to hurt me with that information various times, that's when you realise that you can become a victim of a very nasty action anytime, I wish I never told him anything !

triskina, i relate to above. I wish i would not have disclosed soo much. they use it as weapon at times. but hey, is part of the letting goo... i am reaching the point where i dont care what she says about me anymore.
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Madison66
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« Reply #18 on: January 27, 2014, 11:56:10 AM »

It is a relief to get things off my chest and look at the experiences at face value.  And, you are right about things potentially escalating.  During the last month together, she used her physical force to prevent me from walking away from from emotional abusive things she was saying to me and damaged my property as she was leaving the last time.  Not that she physically hurt me, but the forms of abuse/control were ramping up.  My T said it would most likely get worse... .
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strikeforce
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« Reply #19 on: January 27, 2014, 01:30:04 PM »

Excerpt
She repeatedly would tell me she was jealous and resentful of my daughter.

So why did you stick with her?
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Madison66
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« Reply #20 on: January 27, 2014, 02:04:31 PM »

"So why did you stick with her?"

That is what I'm working with my T to better understand.  I am working through co-dependency issues and other stuff related to issues growing up in an alcoholic household.  There is also r/s addiction.  While my ex gf would express those feelings, she did not directly act them out in front of my daughter.  I could tell that she didn't have the capacity or the want to develop a close r/s with my daughter, and that those two realities couldn't align.  We had a couple's T who told my ex that it was normal to have such feelings, but not healthy to hold on to them and act on them.  My ex took that as "it is normal to have those feelings" and she should be able to express her feelings to her partner.  Her statement in bed and the "sexting" incident happened during the last part of our r/s and I was working on my exit.  Did I stay in too long? Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff#ck Yeah!  Did I learn the lesson of a lifetime? Ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff#ck Yeah!   
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strikeforce
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« Reply #21 on: January 27, 2014, 03:14:09 PM »

Yeah its something I wonder about when looking back.

I ask the question just to see if we are all somewhat the same in that respect.

I put up with a lot that I have never put up with in other relationships.
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Madison66
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« Reply #22 on: January 27, 2014, 03:51:36 PM »

WOW, I hear you!  It was the most confusing r/s I've ever been a part of.  And, like you I put up with so much crap it makes my head spin now that I'm out of the FOG.  I then kick myself every time I have second thoughts about leaving the r/s.  I don't have any more words for it than that... .
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strikeforce
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« Reply #23 on: January 27, 2014, 05:20:18 PM »

It was like she had some possessive force over me.

My ex claimed she was psychic and studied wicca and witchcraft.
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Madison66
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« Reply #24 on: January 27, 2014, 06:10:29 PM »

Mine studied "b!tch-craft"!
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Changingman
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« Reply #25 on: January 28, 2014, 04:56:14 AM »

It was like she had some possessive force over me.

My ex claimed she was psychic and studied wicca and witchcraft.

Your posts are kind of harsh, feel really uncomfortable when I read them. I wonder why?

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Pearl55
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« Reply #26 on: January 28, 2014, 05:27:21 AM »

Yeah, a 3 year old possess you like a TOY to play with!
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Klrskies

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« Reply #27 on: January 28, 2014, 08:18:54 AM »

A couple of statements my exgf said to me... .

After a great day together she was acting really smug while she was doing her beauty ritual stuff... . she out of the blue, arrogantly stated "if I ever left her, she would emotionally crush me" I was shocked, and asked her where the he'll that came from!  She smugly apologized, and minimized it, but I'll never forget it.

Another time while exiting the grocery store parking lot we saw a car that looked like someone had taken a ball bat to it. She announces that if I ever cheat on her that's what she would do to my cars. I'm a car guy so that would obviously sting me.

The day of my daughter wedding I got more attention and the best sex... . looking back she couldn't stand my attention being on my daughter that day... . sick. When my daughter sent her nice thank you note, she asked me why I made my daughter do that? I said I didn't have any discussion with my daughter regarding her note. She didn't believe it though... .

I left her about 4 months, the last two being in the devaluing stage. She was so pissed because I was leaving her, she wouldn't say goodbye, or even look at me, she stared angrily at the floor and said " I hope you know what your doing".

Ive stayed out for two months, she moved on quickly to new supply. Done. Just need some more healing time for me. I consider myself lucky.
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strikeforce
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« Reply #28 on: January 28, 2014, 03:21:46 PM »

It was like she had some possessive force over me.

My ex claimed she was psychic and studied wicca and witchcraft.

Your posts are kind of harsh, feel really uncomfortable when I read them. I wonder why?

I have no idea.
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