What on earth is the matter with me?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have started dating a lovely, healthy guy? We get on very well and I feel comfortable with him. So why am I still thinking of my ex BPD bf and feeling sad about not doing all the lovely things I am now doing with him. What the hell is the matter with me? He was a nightmare to be with.

[Starlight607]

I have started dating a lovely, healthy guy? We get on very well and I feel comfortable with him. So why am I still thinking of my ex BPD bf and feeling sad about not doing all the lovely things I am now doing with him. What the hell is the matter with me? He was a nightmare to be with.

[santa]

Sounds like guilt to me. You feel guilty for being happy. The reason you aren't doing all the lovely things with your ex is that he's a nightmare to be with. If he weren't, then you would be doing those things with him. Guilt is a strong thing. What happened with your ex isn't your fault though. He's mentally disturbed. You did the best you could, but nothing can fix him. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

[fromheeltoheal]

Bad question.  When we ask our brain what's the matter with us, it will come up with lots of things.  What could be a better one?  What can I learn from this?  How can this help me?  What was good about the experience?

A borderline, due to their need to attach, literally fuse two people together, has an amazing way of worming their way into our psyche that makes us feel alive and amazing, awesome if it was just that, but we know the rest of it is extra painful.  "Normal" people, people who respect boundaries and seek to build partnerships and not attachments, aren't such an addictive buzz maybe, but are capable of sustained contentment and happiness, foreign concepts to a borderline.

One thing that might help is talk to the new guy about what's going on with you internally, without bringing the ex into it; that could make you closer and he may have things to say that help with your processing and clarity.  Take care a you!

[Tausk]

For me, part of the problem was/has been that I was addicted to my ex.  Addicted to the drama and the gas lighting and the dysfunction, because that made it easier not to actually be with myself and someone else.  Just like a recovering crack addict, an ordinary day seems so drab because there's no adrenaline.  

After a couple of years I still feel my ex with me when I'm with others, and I feel sad and miss her.  But it's denial and wanting the lie of the relationship over the need to really work for something real and with actual love and compassion.

It takes time and practice.  But I will say it took a year of me being along and working on my issues to finally feel comfortable within my own skin with someone who was not disordered.

In support

T

[Perfidy]

Baggage

[Take2]

Trauma bonds... .    after the truly unbelievable things I've been thru with my ex-BPD-bf... .   that I miss this guy to the extent that I do has my rational side constantly asking "what on earth is the matter with me"

Trauma bonds.  Stockholm Syndrome.

Read this link... .    it describes the addiction we go thru with them after the intermittent abuse and intermittent positive behavior we receive with them... .   apparently we do really need no contact to help our own brains start to function normally again... .

www.theabilitytolove.wordpress.com/2013/01/27/the-addictive-trauma-bond-learning-what-it-is-and-how-to-help-yourself-heal/

[Perfidy]

Trauma bonds... .    after the truly unbelievable things I've been thru with my ex-BPD-bf... .   that I miss this guy to the extent that I do has my rational side constantly asking "what on earth is the matter with me"

Trauma bonds.  Stockholm Syndrome.

Read this link... .    it describes the addiction we go thru with them after the intermittent abuse and intermittent positive behavior we receive with them... .   apparently we do really need no contact to help our own brains start to function normally again... .

www.theabilitytolove.wordpress.com/2013/01/27/the-addictive-trauma-bond-learning-what-it-is-and-how-to-help-yourself-heal/

I have been out for about ten months. I don't talk with other people about it much anymore. I make conscious efforts not to think about it. I agree. Trauma bonds. I did this for a long time afterward, I am healing now. I have been zero contact since August. I remember now as much as I want to forget.

[Take2]

I'm envious Perfidy... .   the longest I ever went NC was 5 days... . last week - and already I could feel the difference... . I felt like ME almost... . but when he texted a "hello" on day 6, it sent my head spinning... .   and it's been all downhill since... .   back to day 1 (today) and the intense withdrawals again... .   it's brutal.

I haven't been in an r/s for four years... . I've been getting broken up with for four years... .

[Perfidy]

Take2... After a while I get used to the lack of crises. Don't even quite understand why I still miss her at times, but I do. Even rumination has been lifting. It will be a year in march. I sure remember how I wore everyone out with my freaking out about the r/s. I recognized all of the symptoms of PTSD. It's getting a lot easier and sometimes I actually forget how f'd up I was and tend to minimize.

[Take2]

I wish I could forget how f'ed up I am... . right now seems impossible to avoid... .

I should be jumping for joy that its over for now.

I know the good parts are.  But I fear the bad parts aren't.

Fear it and still miss him.

no denying how messed up my head is tonight

[Perfidy]

Yup... . I was right there in that spot. Take2, it will get better. I could have written what you just said. If I look at some of my older posts I'm sure I did write those words here too. I understand what your going through and it takes time. While time is passing use the opportunity to try and understand yourself. Try to make your focus entirely on you. I know a lot of crap about your pwBPD has to come out. This is healthy. Many of us have suffered abuse. I know I did. Years of it.

[myself]

We put our hearts into it, that's not such an easy thing to take back.

[Starlight607]

Thank you everyone, I have read all and so much makes sense. It is like an addiction and I will read the link sent - thank you Take 2. I have reconciled and questioned my own behaviour. So I am frustrated that despite my rational side making it clear my contribution to the r/s and then the traits of my ex BPD BF I  still think about him. It is so true that the good part was really good! My new man is brilliant and I am talking about my past r/s so much less which says a lot. I am so appreciative of all the thoughts and comments on this site and this post. Hope the day is a positive one for you all. I have just got absolutely soaked walking my 10 month old golden retriever. But boy do I feel alive!

[bpdspell]

To add... .

Nothing's wrong with you. You're simply still connected to the pain and trauma of the toxic bond you were once in. It's cliche but the further your ex is in your rear view mirror and the more you commit to detaching the more the "missing him" will lesson.

I mention "detaching" and this is key. Many of us here on this board are out of our relationships but many on here are not committed to detaching and defusing ourselves from our mentally ill exs. Many still pine for their exs to come back and fix things, many are hopeful for reunited love and a recycle even after being out more than a year... . sometimes longer than that... .

I say this because I dumped my ex and even obtained a restraining order but i was still secretly hopeful for a rescue by him and that hope kept me in a lot of pain because I wasn't fully accepting of his mental illness.

It took me two years to officially detach and it was a long and excruciating process filled with a lot of grieving and this process cannot be undermined; although different for everyone. Some dated to move on but the only thing i was in the mood to date was my cat and Jesus.

Spell

[Take2]

I gotta say, I've been as committed as I can be to detaching but when one has to see the ex almost daily (coworkers), it's incredibly difficult.  Even the times I see him and am not wildly attracted to him, he will eventually start terrorizing me to tell me how horrible I AM.  It can start out as annoyance but escalate as far as he needs it to in order to break me.  And even when I think he no longer has that power over me, he's been able to break me.  Break me = scare me, threaten me, rage at me, accuse me, all until the point that I'm a crying mess at work (so embarrassing) and believing all the crap he is spewing.  And when that doesn't happen when I see him - I see a many I loved more than anyone else I've ever met. 

It's just so frustrating to have come so far on my path to detachment after the intense manipulation and abuse this past year only to feel like I'm back to square one upon finding out about his new r/s (which he lied about up until I flat out told him I knew... )