Mother with BPD, maybe

[BunsandCoffee]

Let me start off by saying that I'm newly diagnosed with BPD. I'm in therapy and marriage counseling as well. Currently, I'm therapeutically separated from my husband. He is living in the apartment and I am currently staying with my parents. After being diagnosed, I told her about it and asked her if she was willing to seek an evaluation for me just to see if it was "hereditary" because I've noticed that my behaviors and actions were starting to be very similar to hers. She insisted that there was nothing wrong with me or anyone in our family and dropped the subject.

She's never asked me how I was or how I'm feeling because of the situation I'm going through with my marriage. It's always her wants and needs.

Today, she asked me to help her with an application for something. I told her I didn't have the time. She blew up and said I was ungrateful for "all the things she's done" (which is funny because I have severe abandonment issues from childhood because of her) and yelled at me for referring to her as "she" and not "mom" (which I thought was strange because isn't that a normal noun to use for someone?). My father ended up scolding me. My mother and father have been married for 35 years. He enables her BPD and NPD like traits by placating her every time. She thinks she's queen and has extreme, but scary mood swings. This environment is a huge trigger for me.

I don't know what to do to get her help. I feel like I can't improve myself or my marriage without her going to therapy as well. I am literally living in hell every single day figuring out how to control my rage, fix my marriage, and not step on her toes at the same time. When I come home from work, I pretty much go straight to my room to avoid my mother.

Is she a lost cause? Is it even worth trying?

[Sitara]

Is she a lost cause? Is it even worth trying?

You can't fix her.  She has to want to change.  The only person you can control is you.  So if you feel you can't work on your own issues with her around, try and find a solution that allows you the space you need.  You need to do what you need to get to a healthy place and take care of yourself first. 

[StarStruck]

Hi Bunsandcoffee

I feel for you & think it's amazing that you are making steps to heal. I would concentrate on the learning, growing and healing you have to do. You and your marriage being the first important thing. Sounds like you have been through hell.

I can see what you mean about Mom going to therapy so you can move on to - to help you gain validation of the abuse you have suffered through your family.

Thing is you have to plenty to be getting on with, not to forget about your family set up and no doubt your therapy will be about this but in ref to working on your mother - whom is already backing away, can you take on a battle right now? will you be overloading yourself? (worth mentioning this to therapist maybe if havent already?)

Don't dismiss any thoughts you have about your mother but concentrate on the impact she has had on you to start with. Maybe in time you will want to help her when you're back on an even keel. Give yourself the best shot of making this right for you. You could try and compartmentalize where you are... . I think my Mom is 'x' but I'm going to put it on the back burner. I won't deny it to myself what I know about her but for now it's about me.

I don't have BPD but I have to heal and this is the mindset I used with my uBPD Mom. She was unapproachable about having any issues at all. I couldn't even graze on my history with her, she denies everything. Her classic line is... . o it's not about the divorce is it? (which I don't go on about!) - total red herring - she might as well recite a recipe out. The puzzlement on my face is what she wants and then it's straight into... . fancy tea then!

All best with your journey -