I have returned to Internet social media.

[Depression = 72% of members]

For the first time since I went NC after my exUBPDgf discarded me for the second time, I had closed all my internet social media. Today I decided to reopen Facebook as a way to integrate myself back out there and I forgot that I still have mutual friends of hers on there. As soon as I reopen it, BAM a private message from one of those very mutual friends "hey stranger". I immediately logged off. Palms sweaty. I hope she does not tell this girl that I am back on there. For f¥cks sake, I had my Facebook closed since July 12 when she left me and I am walloped with that message. I will have to get one of my coworkers tomorrow to perform a delicate task for me to remove/block those very friends. Yes, I have long said to keep such media closed if possible. I hope I am not making a mistake by doing this.

[Ironmanrises]

For the first time since I went NC after my exUBPDgf discarded me for the second time, I had closed all my internet social media. Today I decided to reopen Facebook as a way to integrate myself back out there and I forgot that I still have mutual friends of hers on there. As soon as I reopen it, BAM a private message from one of those very mutual friends "hey stranger". I immediately logged off. Palms sweaty. I hope she does not tell this girl that I am back on there. For f¥cks sake, I had my Facebook closed since July 12 when she left me and I am walloped with that message. I will have to get one of my coworkers tomorrow to perform a delicate task for me to remove/block those very friends. Yes, I have long said to keep such media closed if possible. I hope I am not making a mistake by doing this.

[santa]

That's dangerous territory, man. Be careful. It's going to really make it difficult to stay no contact if you open yourself up for business again, so to speak.

It probably is a good step. If that's a part of your life that you've given up, then you should be able to go back to it and carry on as normal. Just stay the course though.

I read an article about more or less "making a bunker for yourself" while in no contact to assure that your ex cannot reach you. It said you may have to give up some things, but that it's necessary. Since you are a year out, you may be alright to "come out of your bunker". It's risky though.

[Ironmanrises]

I am 6+ months NC, not a year. The lack of any direct contact from her in all this time(other then unknown calls/texts/voicemail) have made me think perhaps I am somewhat clear. I literally reopened Facebook, and one freaking minute later I get that message. I almost screamed. what the heck?

[santa]

I am 6+ months NC, not a year. The lack of any direct contact from her in all this time(other then unknown calls/texts/voicemail) have made me think perhaps I am somewhat clear. I literally reopened Facebook, and one freaking minute later I get that message. I almost screamed. what the heck?

LOL

That is pretty freaky.  

[Ironmanrises]

Freaky indeed. I will not reply to that mutual friend. I will begin to use my Facebook normally , only after I get one of my coworkers to literally, without me looking, cause I do not want to see ANYTHING, block them off my account. I can only hope that f¥cking mutual friend does not tell my exUBPDgf that I am back on there.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey man, if you block your ex on Facebook, you could potentially stay friends with the mutual friends, and anything your ex posts on their posts will be blocked, you won't see any of it, and she won't see anything you post. The mutual friends may be triggers for you too, but there's something to be said for fck you, we do what we want, part of taking your power back.

[Perfidy]

I use Facebook and blocked her soon after the split. I asked people that knew her through me to unfriendly her. Most understood and complied. I let it be known to my real friends and my family that I didn't want to see or hear from her. When the enormity of her twisted betrayal sank in I made a plan of action and adhered to that plan. Believe it or not I didn't let anything she did change my overall plan for my life. Yes, she was included in that life plan and it hurt like hell to detach. I stayed my course because I have my own life and my own identity. I refuse to let anyone influence me to the point of changing my life because of what they do to me.

Ironman... Exercise your right to do whatever you want without fear of her. Claim your right to your free will. You know enough now that she does not hold the keys to your happiness. She hasn't the keys to anything. Take your power back. Stick up for yourself and stick to your guns. I'm feeling stronger and I can tell you are too. Lets call ourselves butter because we're on a roll!

[Tausk]

I am 6+ months NC, not a year. The lack of any direct contact from her in all this time(other then unknown calls/texts/voicemail) have made me think perhaps I am somewhat clear. I literally reopened Facebook, and one freaking minute later I get that message. I almost screamed. what the heck?

It is a delicate balance.  I stalked my ex via FB for a year.  But I also have used it to keep connections with my friends.  Being triggered from mutual friends was difficult.  But over time, I came to realize that many of them are good people, and the triggers were something that I slow began to detach from my psyche.  

The trigger and the emotions are neutral.  It's my responses to them that dictate how long I will be vulnerable to them.  Eventually, I hope to be totally non attached to even the sight of my ex having sex with the guy she cheated on me with.  Eventually... . It will happen.  One day I won't care, and in fact I often can pray for them and for their happiness.

Remember triggers are PTSD.  Just like a soldier back from Iraq and has to learn that the garbage can besides the road is just a garbage can, and not an IED.  We can slowly begin to regain ourselves and our landmarks.  But take it slowly.  I took me a year and half to go back to the woods near my house and walk the trails because it was just one giant trigger.  I couldn't even look in the direction of the woods when I drove by.   It helped that when I went back, I did it with a friend on a sorta date.   So now those woods have been reclaimed by me.

FB is also mine again as well. And it helps me to keep in connection with friends and family.   But it has taken time and careful awareness.  I monitor if I am tempted to use FB as a way to reconnect with my ex.  

Just like I check my thoughts to drive by her house and see her with my replacement through the window together, whom she cheated on me with.  I should stick my foot under the lawn mower instead.  It would be less painful and more productive.

Ironman:  Congrats on your courage to move forward.  Keep us posted.  Progress not perfection.  

[Ironmanrises]

Hey man, if you block your ex on Facebook, you could potentially stay friends with the mutual friends, and anything your ex posts on their posts will be blocked, you won't see any of it, and she won't see anything you post. The mutual friends may be triggers for you too, but there's something to be said for fck you, we do what we want, part of taking your power back.

I caught a glimpse of the best friend of hers mutual friend when i opened the facebook and it did trigger me. Literally just seeing that friend of hers face, by Zeus. That and getting that private message from that other mutual friend was enough for me to close the app until tomorrow.

[Ironmanrises]

Perfidy,

I decided to reopen my facebook cause i have isolated myself so much that i will go crazy if i continue on that path. I mentioned in the other board(health/dating) about my close friend acting completely BPDish on me which is also straining me. I have already terminated one friendship which i deemed as toxic not that long ago and me trying to return to my active social world that i used to be very comfortable, and encountering that private message.


Tausk,

I can relate with the PTSD. I seem to be catching it from all sides.

[Perfidy]

I understand ironman, I did the same. Made an assessment of who really are my friends and ceased contact with the toxic variety. I also isolated. Isolation can be healing. I found that when  I isolate I'm left with only my issues. No cumbersome thoughts of other people to sort from my own. No drama. Excellent time for microscopic examination of my self. Certainly promotes mindfulness. I'm really liking myself again.

[Tausk]

I understand ironman, I did the same. Made an assessment of who really are my friends and ceased contact with the toxic variety. I also isolated. Isolation can be healing. I found that when  I isolate I'm left with only my issues. No cumbersome thoughts of other people to sort from my own. No drama. Excellent time for microscopic examination of my self. Certainly promotes mindfulness. I'm really liking myself again.

Assessing relationships is one of the cornerstones of my recovery.  Self reflection for me is also critical.  But, for me, Isolation is as dangerous as playing with fire while pumping gasoline. 

I tend to isolate myself into a never ending spiral of despair and depression.   I try and remember that I'm only as sick as my secrets and if I share my secrets and connect, my illness is tempered.

Which is why the board is also important.  I use 12 step programs as well.  And FB is now a good tool for me to stay connected to a certain degree.  Not a substitute for actual connection, but a tool to help connections.

It's just a tool.  But I have to use it correctly. 

[Perfidy]

I tend to isolate myself into a never ending spiral of despair and depression. 

It was like this for me too. When I isolated at the start of my detachment I would spiral into the darkest depression. I gained relief in connection. I isolated more until I was strong enough to be alone with myself. I can now be alone with myself and be happy. I am not needy in the slightest right now. I feel this is mandatory in order for my love to be given to myself. It makes it a way of life that avoids attachment by needy people and fills me with love. I'm learning.

[Ironmanrises]

I understand ironman, I did the same. Made an assessment of who really are my friends and ceased contact with the toxic variety. I also isolated. Isolation can be healing. I found that when  I isolate I'm left with only my issues. No cumbersome thoughts of other people to sort from my own. No drama. Excellent time for microscopic examination of my self. Certainly promotes mindfulness. I'm really liking myself again.

Assessing relationships is one of the cornerstones of my recovery.  Self reflection for me is also critical.  But, for me, Isolation is as dangerous as playing with fire while pumping gasoline. 

I tend to isolate myself into a never ending spiral of despair and depression.   I try and remember that I'm only as sick as my secrets and if I share my secrets and connect, my illness is tempered.

Which is why the board is also important.  I use 12 step programs as well.  And FB is now a good tool for me to stay connected to a certain degree.  Not a substitute for actual connection, but a tool to help connections.

It's just a tool.  But I have to use it correctly. 

The isolation was really starting to get to me. All of my friendships have been frayed in the process. I should send a Thank you note to my exUBPDgf for this. For the damage i have to repair. Just really angry and annoyed.

[Pretty Woman]

Ironman,

   Master the art of the block.  It helps greatly.  If you feel you can't resist her it really helps, plus you might have to see her with some schmuck and you don't need that.

Up to you.  I have confidence you are in control.  You are one of the most respected people on this board.  I know you can handle this.

[Ironmanrises]

My gratitude Pretty woman. I had her blocked after she left me in round 1. She blocked me immediately on discard at end of round 2. Beat me to that "abandonment." When i get into work, i have prepared a list of mutual friends that will be blocked that my coworker will perform for me so i do not see anything.

[Pretty Woman]

Good.  I am glad to hear this,friend.  I never stopped Facebook but I'm the queen of social media, all my friends tease me about it.  It's a great feeling to get on with life. Even simple shyt like Facebook we neglect.  It's nice to get back to things.  It's amazing what they take from us and they aren't even trying.

Proud of you man. 

[Ironmanrises]

I completely withdrew myself upon discard at end of round 2. I don't know how you and others on here managed to stay on social media, I couldn't even bear to look at it for all this time. I have some friendships on there that are just "Facebook" based(sad I know, a sign of the times) and I can imagine how frayed and disconnected those bonds I once forged have become. I hate this f¥cking disorder and all the damage it has directly/indirectly caused for me in the aftermath. I have become so angry lately. I want this anger phase to pass.

[fromheeltoheal]

I deleted my Facebook account and started a new one. We didn't have many mutual friends, but I needed a clean break and a fresh start. I got most of my friends back quickly and post most things publicly, with no posts or messages from her, which is fine by me. Facebook is cool for what it is, and screw her, she no longer gets to influence my life.

[Ironmanrises]

I thought of starting a new one and I was like, no. I have run from this enough. And I don't have the energy or patience to try and look up people to re friend on there. I am not even at work yet and I still have that little notification reminding me that "message" that I was walloped with literally upon returning to Facebook is staring me in the face. I swear, as soon as I get in, my coworker will perform that grisly task.   

[LilMissSunshine]

I thought of starting a new one and I was like, no.  I have run from this enough . And I don't have the energy or patience to try and look up people to re friend on there. I am not even at work yet and I still have that little notification reminding me that "message" that I was walloped with literally upon returning to Facebook is staring me in the face. I swear, as soon as I get in, my coworker will perform that grisly task.   

Good for you Ironman.  Beware:  When your X see's you "living" again she may step up her attempts to contact you via any means available.  My X has managed to do that to me a few times and it's never anything good.  I usually panic, analyze, get angry/confused but then... . somehow I start to feel peace.  The one sided vile contact reminds me of what a monster he is and reinforces my goal of completely detaching.   In other words, if she does somehow get through, turn it around and use it to your own advantage.  You are strong now.

[Ironmanrises]

I am worried that, that very mutual friend who sent me that message will tell my ex I am back on Facebook. My attention now is also preoccupied with why my very close friend(that I mentioned on other board) is ignoring me. I seriously cannot afford to lose that friendship.

[LilMissSunshine]

I am worried that, that very mutual friend who sent me that message will  tell my ex I am back on Facebook . My attention now is also preoccupied with why my very close friend(that I mentioned on other board) is ignoring me.  I seriously cannot afford to lose that friendship .

Of course they will.  You need to prepare yourself for it, in fact.  However, you have much to equip yourself with now in terms of protection.  You know the enemies plan of attack.  Maybe the final battle is just around the corner.  Unfortunately, you may have to fight that battle in order to win the war. 

As far as your other friendship - I believe I read you suspect BPD?  Yikes.  Your not sure so I would continue trying a normal approach.  Sometimes people just need their space and it's nothing more than that.  Sometimes just being patient can be the best show of support.  If she is disordered, she know's all about your devastating experience and perhaps is too ashamed to open up to you right now. 

[maxen]

I am worried that, that very mutual friend who sent me that message will tell my ex I am back on Facebook. My attention now is also preoccupied with why my very close friend(that I mentioned on other board) is ignoring me. I seriously cannot afford to lose that friendship.

this past summer a close cousin, with whom i've dealt on family issues for more than a decade, said some awfully callous things to me about my situation. it did not help. i upbraided her and she pleaded with me not to cut her off. and that did cross my mind: what i needed to hear was not the sort of "tough love" that that side of my family is so expert in. i had to reach pretty deep to balance her wounding words with the really quite good history of our relationship and the manifest benefits of keeping that relationship, but i'm glad i did. finding that patience was one of the good things that came out of the monstrous experience i've had.

so ironman i'd urge you to find how you can maintain that friendship. it may take some emotional compromise and that's hard, or at least it was for me.

[Ironmanrises]

I just saw a glimpse of my exUBPDgf profile picture on Facebook. I want to vomit and scream at the same time. I think she unblocked me because i was scrolling through my private messages and there it was. I cant get her image out of my head now. F¥ck me. What have i dione.  :'(

[Dog biscuit]

oh Ironman, it is hard. 

I know the feeling as my ex and me share friends and social media too. I havent really been on social media ever since the rs ended, and I dont know how to return to it without running into the ex. I get a very physical and strong emotional reaction by seeing his profile pic or by seeing his name popup when a mutual friend responds to.something he posts.

I think it is something you slowly have to expose yourself to when you feel stronv enough. It will cause a temporary setback that you have to battle, but avoiding it all toghether and living like a hermit to avoid the pain, is no solution either.

Take it slowly Ironman!

[fromheeltoheal]

I just saw a glimpse of my exUBPDgf profile picture on Facebook. I want to vomit and scream at the same time. I think she unblocked me because i was scrolling through my private messages and there it was. I cant get her image out of my head now. F¥ck me. What have i dione.  :'(

Hey man, treat it as a way to test how you're doing with your detachment.  A flash of a photo isn't much, and if it spun you, you've still got some detaching to do.  What was good about that?  How can you reframe it to serve you?  What can you do differently moving forward?

[Ironmanrises]

It was a glimpse of her face, all dolled up. My iPad dropped to the floor. I can't. I just f¥cking can't. I'm on my way to work and I am so furious and upset. I've isolated myself for all these months and I just wanted to reconnect with the world I was once in. I did not want to come across her face.

[Moonie75]

"Hey stranger" !

Was that all of the message Ironman?

Or is that all you read before stopping?

"Hey stranger" seems a bit too brief for a 'non' & quite BPD-ish!

It's lacking any 'how are you" or "what you been upto", any of the normal questions we ask when attempting to reconnect with a friend.

You think she herself may have used a friends profile to message you ?

[Ironmanrises]

That was the entire message. I didn't respond. All the mutual friends are blocked off my Facebook. I wouldn't be surprised if she asked them to do so. And if so, she got her wish because that really got to me followed by seeing a glimpse of her profile pic. My anger and frustration at the whole ordeal oozed out of my pores.