Quite or waif BPD

[Rebuilding me]

I guess my biggest issue is idealism! I consider myself a man of morals and values, yet I find myself in between worlds of the devout and pious and the outlandish drunks! I myself have never been a drunk but have partied pretty hard. I feel like I'm no longer willing to put up with my past immaturities yet I'm not quite a healthy responsible adult! In my case I have shown patience waiting for the right woman for me, while throughout the years I have seen my friends dive head first into shallow relationships time after time. I cannot relate to the bar fly, while at the same time a healthy partner I feel cannot relate with me!   with my ex I felt I found a woman who was where I am, even beyond what I understand now, beyond her mirroring. I have a glimpse of who she is, I think? I have always prided myself on seeing behind the masks people wear. By wearing my heart on my sleeve I have seen how people drop their guards and have seen who is behind the curtain. 

I feel like a lot of the discussion on this board is about how our pwBPDs idealized us and how the r/s was fantasy! I don't think I believe that in all cases. I think that what we shared with these individuals was not fantasy, but the greatest truth that can be shared between people.  Sure we were put on a pedestal and that felt great and satisfied our narcissistic  or co-dependency/rescuer needs, but from what I gather and relate to most the people on this site is, we do in a way deserve to be put on a pedestal. Not in an unhealthy or narcissistic way, but because of our ability to love, care and to understand our fellow human beings and in particular our partners, which has allowed for a real at the utmost core true connection with another person even in a spiritual matter!

In my case I can see how I was caught in the fantasy of the idealization, but I will never fully be able to shake what I know to be true. That being is, that what I shared with this individual, who cannot face reality fully because of past pains, was without a doubt  real. More real than what the science or study of psychology will ever fully be able to grasp. I believe from my readings on this board is that there is one undoubtable conclusion; we all have a great capacity to love, or at least did at one point, for healthy or  unhealthy reasons!

I have found in my life that I cut through the bs of people, thus why I am in the behavioral health field. People love my honesty, but I know they fear it also! Because I do not get into great depths with all of my relationships, I do not always cut to the core! With my ex she idealized me because I showed her what it truly means to love, nothing shallow, but to the depth of what it means to be human. Tragically reaching such depth leads to other aspects; the darker side of what it means to be human! If one discovers these depth, it can be cloud nine (idealization) in terms of what love is, but if one is not versed in seeing and embracing pain in their life, or if they have suppressed it, a $h*t storm of negative  emotions is the only logical outcome!

Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel like the pain associated with pwBPD is not just the loss of an idealization stage, but the loss of a connection that is on a deeper level than many people ever experience. Nons hurt because they understand this loss, and BPDs hurt because although truth is revealed to them through love, so is the truth of pain and they are incapable of separating the two! The intensity of emotions! As rescuers we understand the great potential of what could be with these lost loves, depths of love and connection beyond the norm! With  pwBPD the pain is not worth the potential  great gain!

I understand now my ex was a quite BPD, it wasn't rage that I saw, but an internal self destruction! I have read these posts on this site and have felt great pain for the members here that have experienced the  betrayals, smear campaigns and the dark instances  of being painted black! My confusion has been in the fact that I have been fortunate to not have witnessed these outward assaults! I consider myself fortunate that I have gotten of lightly, but the rescuer type in me would have preferred a tangible example of this disorder, where my partner let out her frustrations against the world,( or us)  then to be where I am now and fully understand that instead of those out word rages, she has completely done the same to herself inside! It makes it that much harder to walk  away, when I know her pain, and no one else really does! I'm learning as a rescuer the disorder is the same, but my reasons  to walk away and save myself are not as clear cut! May this writing be for those of us who have experienced a waif or quite BPD! I hope my words can help others have an understanding, as the words of others here have helped me have my own! I know my closure will come not from the kindly and understanding words of people on this site, but what I can give to others who are trying to understand the fog! I'm not there yet, but I will be!

I love psychology and sites like these are the building blocks to helping disorders! These pwBPDs are us and we are them! We just feel the pains of others, while they relate all pain on themselves, expressing it outwardly or inworldly! Sad in both cases! I'm philosophizing now by drinking myself out of pain! But I believe what I speak is the truth! Or maybe just  expressing narcissistic traits!  

It reminds me of the story of Icarus flying to close to the sun!

[heartandwhole]

Hi Rebuilding me,

I'm sorry to hear about your breakup, it can be so hard to wrap our heads around this disorder, and understand the behaviors.  I think many of us have thought what you do, that this relationship was somehow "deeper" than any other, in an almost otherworldly, spiritual way.

Maybe because it mirrors our primary parent-child attachments... . but it also reflected the pain of the inevitable separation from our parent, which was very painful.  I suppose the Buddhist saying that there is no pleasure without pain is applicable here.

My r/s was with a kind, gentle, waif-like pwBPD.  No rages, lots of connection and understanding and caring– or was that idealization/mirroring?  I don't know what was true anymore, and I tend to think that our connection was very unhealthy, despite the euphoric feelings in the beginning, because my behavior began to revolve too much around making sure that his interest and caring didn't stop.  I sacrificed what I needed, what I wanted, and it still didn't work. 

I don't doubt that we can have deep and meaningful connections with people, but I think there is another, more dangerous type of connection that mimics a truly loving one (at least in our fantasy of what that is).

Where are you in your detachment process, do you think?-------------------->