Why did/do you go back?

[Pretty Woman]

Good Morning all,

Was thinking this morning... . why did we keep going back to our BPD exes?

Yes, we loved them yet at the same time they treated us less than we deserved yet we took it, time and time again... . and in our gut, our core we knew something was not right.  

I was thinking about it and came to the conclusion I kept wanting another chance to fix things.  I had to make this work, I loved her so much and maybe part of it was my narcissism.  I didn't want to lose.  I wanted to win and succeed at this. This was my first same sex love and I wanted to make her my last.  

I don't know.  

Just curious why you all went back and honestly, even though you are on the detaching board, could they persuade you today to come back?

[bpdspell]

I went back because I didn't love myself. That is the realist and most truthful reason that resonates in my heart.


Because I didn't love myself:

I didn't like being alone.

I believed that the toxic bond we had could repair itself back to the days of idealization.

I didn't want to lose all that I had invested in my ex. Time, money, energy, sacrifice. It was my ego turned all the way up.

The sexual chemistry was off the charts even though I didn't really have much respect or admiration for my ex. But I held on to the shallow sex cause it was better than donut hole.

I didn't think I could have better or deserved better.

I was trying to fix my mom by fixing the ex.

I was addicted to being the enabler, codependent, the blame acceptor and didn't want to accept defeat.

Focusing on HIS toxicity gave me an escape from looking at my own issues.


Somehow you've got to break the spell. Pun intended.

Spell

[delusionalxox]

I went back because I was lonely, I missed him, I loved him despite all the BS he threw at me. I felt sorry for him, saw a vulnerability and pain in him that I shared. Even though he rarely admitted that bit.

I think on one level I believed all the stuff he told me about how awful I was, BUT he still loved me, no one else would put up with me, etc etc.

The sexual chemistry as BPDspell says was incredible. I think it was trauma bonding. And also cos he is just sexy and beautiful and (shallowness alert) I never had anyone so sexy wanting ME... . and I probably never will again... . I'm 41 now, a single mum, and those things don't come around often. That's just my own shallow issues speaking. This gorgeous Latin porn star   came surging into my life, I still find it very surreal that it happened at all. And so hard not to compare everyone else to him sexually. That bit remains very painful.

As spell also says, I'd invested so much, sometimes it was so good, the recycles allowed a brief idealisation phase to happen every time... . usually a very short one and getting shorter each time... .

Yes agree also trying to fix my narc/BPD mother who told me I was hit, a disappointment and failure, ruined her life, should never have been born etc... . I was wired to accept abuse and rage and see it as love.

It's all very sad eh... . and I feel ashamed of it all. Need to fix the shame.

[Take2]

I went back because I was lonely, I missed him, I loved him despite all the BS he threw at me. I felt sorry for him, saw a vulnerability and pain in him that I shared. Even though he rarely admitted that bit.

I think on one level I believed all the stuff he told me about how awful I was, BUT he still loved me, no one else would put up with me, etc etc.

The sexual chemistry as BPDspell says was incredible. I think it was trauma bonding. And also cos he is just sexy and beautiful and (shallowness alert) I never had anyone so sexy wanting ME... . and I probably never will again... . I'm 41 now, a single mum, and those things don't come around often. That's just my own shallow issues speaking. This gorgeous Latin porn star   came surging into my life, I still find it very surreal that it happened at all. And so hard not to compare everyone else to him sexually. That bit remains very painful.

As spell also says, I'd invested so much, sometimes it was so good, the recycles allowed a brief idealisation phase to happen every time... . usually a very short one and getting shorter each time... .

It's all very sad eh... .

What she said... .

[patientandclear]

I didn't exactly go back.  We discussed trying again, I said he needed to figure out how he'd manage scared, bad feelings differently the next time around (rather than bolting); he wasn't up for that; he claimed he needed to figure out how to be alone, and first thing you know, was pursuing his ex again.

But I did go back after 10 months of NC to try to be his friend.  And that was about ... . not being able to believe that what seemed so lovely could have fallen apart so completely.  I thought I'd misunderstood something, maybe mis-handled something, and that I should give us another chance to be whatever we were supposed to be.

From there, he pulled me super close, pushed me away hard, was everything but my lover, took our closeness for granted, and broke my heart several more times.  We might as well have recycled as lovers, in light of how painful it was and how much betrayal I experienced.  I had to play it out to really understand that someone with whom I'd done the things we'd done, shared the things we shared, someone who said he respected me so much, whom I respected in so many ways, could possibly throw away what we had.  That it wasn't just a big, fixable mistake.

[Ironmanrises]

I tried to keep her at bay when she reappeared for round 2. I was already aware of her disorder and I knew what was going to happen. And what happened was literally, idealization, trigger day, devaluation, silent treatment, and discard. I even knew the what was going to happen next. I had witnessed it before and read it on here as a lurker between rounds 1 and 2. My feelings for her overwhelmed me and my lack of love for myself was the perfect match for the destruction that I had willingly signed on for. And it came. And I was destroyed.

[damage control]

We only had small breaks of a couple of days and I gladly took or initiated the getting back together every time. The last one, he begged me 'not to turn away' from him and I believed him that he needed me as much as he seemed to.

For me ... I was 100% convinced that this was the love of my life and that I would never, EVER find another attachment of this kind.

The last time, he dumped me although, as you all read, he and I continued in some type of symbiotic dance for a couple of months while we shared a house ... .

The fact that he dumped me, not the other way around means that I had no choice, he withdrew, otherwise, I would still be with him because I have never felt so ... . right ... about anybody else.

I still feel that way TBH.

[Take2]

That's where I'm at... . or rather that's where I have been 12000 times over the past 4 years.

with each time worse than the last.

[delusionalxox]

Take2 would you really still jump if he said jump?

Even though in many ways I still 'love' my ex (or rather am obsessed/infatuated and waiting for the great cosmic mindwipe to come and erase him from my brain  ) I know I'd never ever go back.

He lives in Italy and I've developed a sort of phobia of the whole country!  I don't think I could even go on a holiday or to a conference there! I would feel sick getting on the plane. I think this is my body and mind protecting me from him. He was begging me to come back up until very recently, I refused knowing I physically couldn't do it.

[Take2]

Delusionalxox. ... .   I wish I could say NO WAY would I even consider being back with a very controlling and frightening man... . a man who has stalked me and tries to catch me doing things he's made up in his head so he can justify his own horrible abuse

I'm deep in the addiction withdrawal this weekend.

So much that I don't even want to answer this question until I feel stronger after a few more days of NC... .

[delusionalxox]

'a man who has stalked me and tries to catch me doing things he's made up in his head so he can justify his own horrible abuse'

It's upsetting and yet validating to keep reading versions of my own experiences on these boards... .

Ex accused me constantly of promiscuity and infidelity... . he read my emails constantly... . once a friend asked if her boyfriend could stay over and because he had read the emails he snarled at me 'enjoy the Jewish cock... . ' I was dumbfounded. In fact my friend who is a bit wacky had made some joke about her boyfriend being circumcised. He took that as 'evidence' that me and my liberal whore friends were 'man swapping' and making 'random sex appointments'.

It was all so so vile no wonder I remain depressed. I still miss him too but I know what I miss wasn't  him, it was something much more temporary and in my own head. No one who could think such things of me, actually loved me.

[Take2]

Sounds like soo many absurd accusations I've had hurled at me... .

[myself]

The mix of truth and illusion was very intoxicating.

I thought if I could disprove the projections we'd be in the clear.

Loneliness. I threw myself back in because it made me feel alive.

[growing_wings]

although i havent recycled yet (fighting so hard that urge!)... i did stay and normalized her behaviours as i was addicted to her. i stayed as i wanted to go back to her loving side, she was so nice to me, she seemed to understand me so well, to "support" me... . i also liked the company (better than being alone i guess?) but most importantly, i felt she was my "analgesic", taking care of her problems distracted me from taking care of mine, face my own "demons"... i wanted to avoid the hard work of looking at myself

[DivorcedNon]

I went back a couple of times because I had no idea what BPD was and I could not recognize the signs of it in her at that time. Since she is much younger than me I thought that it was the age difference. Had I known what I know now I would have maybe made different decisions.

When during our dating she went from idolizing me to devaluing me literally overnight and then one month later broke up with me I found this book "How to get your lover back". I went by the book and she came back. She admitted that she was involved in an "emotional affair" (Much later, after our divorce I found out that some flesh was involved too).  I attributed this great success to the tips from the book! I did not know that pwBPD always come back (at least for a while).

We got married and 4.5 years again the same happened: She left me for her ex-fiance. Again I had to find about it after divorce. I found my old book and started the same. Basically the main trick in this book is a variation of NC: Do not call her but answer when she calls. It worked again! Thank God for this book   We were back, she idolized me again, we were looking for a new and much more expensive house etc. There has to be some excitement in BPD's life! Few months later after our vacation she left me for another POSOM (her colleague who I knew). Both POSOMs left their wives and families for her. At this point I realized something is not right. I had one sort of "normal" divorce before with the mother of my children but this was different and somewhat crazy.

I started to google words "idolize" "dethrone" "multiple breakups" etc. I also remember telling here one morning before our divorce:"Who are you? You are just a thin air nothing more". I was so frustrated with her.  All that led me to discovery pf BPD. Our marriage therapist told me that my ex had BPD indeed. When I learned about it I had one more conversation with her and one more exchange of emails. That was 1.5 ago and I have been practicing strict NC since then.

BTW I threw away that book! I will suggest to the author to write another book:"How to keep your ex-BPD lover away  for good"

[Madison66]

You know, I've read on this board and others that the pwBPD or NPD often is the one that initiates the break-ups and then the non pursues the recycle.  In my case with my uBPD/NPD ex gf, I was the one that left the r/s three times before I finally cut the cord for good.  It was always after ramped up emotional abuse/blackmail/devaluation.  I know this about myself - I have addiction in my family and I firmly believe I was addicted to the r/s and co-dependent.  The reasons for the addiction/co-dependency go back to unresolved issues from being ACOA and a lack of emotional connection with my father as I was growing up.  I was perfect prey and fell neatly into the abuse cycle.  I also didn't have very good closure from my previous 13 year marriage, and felt compelled to work my ars off on saving this r/s.  My ex gf would use the break-ups as emotional blackmail against me stating that I had hurt her trust in me.  I didn't understand PD's or that I was actually being abused.  So, I would blame myself for not doing something right prior to the break-up.  My T has been very direct with me to state that the break-ups were abuse driven and that the abuse would drive my true self to crash out of the addictive shell, no longer being able to deal with the abuse even in the face of the addiction.  Then, because I wasn't getting to the core of the hurts inside that I was attempting to "self medicate" with the r/s I'd go back even after all the abuse.

Back in October during the last recycle, I can only say that I felt my "true self" breaking out of the addictive self.  I said to myself that I could stay in the r/s as long as I could have healthy boundaries and live my true self.  I had emphatic burnout big time and wasn't in the position to put up with much more BS.  There were then two occasions where my ex gf attempted to physically dominate me to prevent me from walking away from emotional abuse, and that was it.  I'm only 45 days out and 30 days n/c, and have internal struggles of feeling great to be free of the abuse and chaos vs feelings of wanting to potentially break n/c.  It is different this time in that I am engaging my true self and reflecting back on all of the crud that I couldn't live with.  To do this, I'm working on balancing my logic, emotions and intuition.  I visualize the process of the internal discussion and then allow the truth to come through.  It is a daily struggle to say the least!

[Jayhawk21]

I went back because I didn't love myself. That is the realist and most truthful reason that resonates in my heart.


Because I didn't love myself:

I didn't like being alone.

I believed that the toxic bond we had could repair itself back to the days of idealization.

I didn't want to lose all that I had invested in my ex. Time, money, energy, sacrifice. It was my ego turned all the way up.

The sexual chemistry was off the charts even though I didn't really have much respect or admiration for my ex. But I held on to the shallow sex cause it was better than donut hole.

I didn't think I could have better or deserved better.

I was trying to fix my mom by fixing the ex.

I was addicted to being the enabler, codependent, the blame acceptor and didn't want to accept defeat.

Focusing on HIS toxicity gave me an escape from looking at my own issues.


Somehow you've got to break the spell. Pun intended.

Spell

Spell I could have written this.

Especially the sexual escapades. We got into some very deep stuff that played into her issues. I just don't want to post it.

And, I was trying to fix my mom. The traits between her and mom were so ironic they shared the same name. Out of all the people in all the universe she gravitated to me.

[willtimeheal]

Ok... . here is the truth.  When my BPD and I met and started hanging out we had a blast. Nothing was off limits.  If we felt like doing something, we did it. It was awesome to have someone who would drop everything and hop a plane to here or there just because we felt like it.

I was coming off a high point in my life. One of my best friends had almost died. We sat at the hospital and were told she didn't qualify for a transplant and had 3 days to live. Then within 24 hours they decided to give her the transplant and she was being prepared for surgery. She got the transplant and is alive and well today.

It was around that time I met my BPD. First of all she looks like a super model. Why would she ever be interested in me?  Second my best friend just survived a miracle transplant I was high on life and my BPD was dangerous and a little danger ... . was a huge part of the attraction.  Couldn't resist.

So I am still working on whether to stay or run because honestly I still hope for the good times. I still want those good times. I still want the family that we are when we are all together with the kids. But I know BPD now. I didn't know it when we first started and thru the first bunch of recycles. And as much as I want the good times back and the family I don't know if I can handle BPD for the rest of my life. Not sure if it's a commitment I want to make.