Fears... are we forever changed?

[Depression = 72% of members]

From our first day together to our last conversation/fight, my exwBPD constantly told me she was the best I could ever do. No one would ever love me the way she did and I would never find anyone better than her. She often told me real love was losing myself in another person, meaning her. She tried to change things I did by telling me if I loved her I’d have no problem changing to eventually say I’m only going to ask you to do it once. I changed so much of who I was for this woman am I afraid I’ve turned into her. But what if she’s right, and she was the best I could do? God knows I miss something about her no matter how crazy it was.  Anybody else ever feel this way?

[coastalfog1]

From our first day together to our last conversation/fight, my exwBPD constantly told me she was the best I could ever do. No one would ever love me the way she did and I would never find anyone better than her. She often told me real love was losing myself in another person, meaning her. She tried to change things I did by telling me if I loved her I’d have no problem changing to eventually say I’m only going to ask you to do it once. I changed so much of who I was for this woman am I afraid I’ve turned into her. But what if she’s right, and she was the best I could do? God knows I miss something about her no matter how crazy it was.  Anybody else ever feel this way?

[Perfidy]

Don't believe anything she tells you even for one second. Trust me on this one. She ain't the best at anything except bullshi++ing herself. That only works if you buy into it. You can do better. Not everyone is like that.

[myself]

No one would ever love me the way she did

Make sure this happens and you'll be fine.

[Pearl55]

Your wife's comments makes me laugh. She is mental. She's eroded your self esteem and confidence to be her prisoner for life! Of course you will find a normal person to love you. You don't need a crazy woman to love you, do you?

[Waifed]

Its called emotional abuse.  She used that because she thought you were too good for her.  Trust me, you will do much better than her. 

[Cimbaruns]

I think it's a mechanism to get you sucked in and keep you hooked!

You can absolutely do better than what she has to offer

I totally understand where you are coming from... . I'm just in a different place with it than you at this time.

I was once told the same thing and questioned myself... . but after a few more recycles and both emotional and financial hijacking I know better

Don't believe it

Coastalfog... . You're a stronger person than her... . believe in yourself!

[Tausk]

No one would ever love me the way she did

Make sure this happens and you'll be fine.

This is the truth.  I heard the same thing many times as well.  ":)on't you realize how lucky you are to have a girl like me want to be with you?"... .

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? One who really understands the trauma bonds that develop with a pwBPD and their partner.   The FOG is so intense.  I had such terrible self-esteem issues by the end that the FEAR was overwhelming.  And it feels hopeless as well because I cut off all other avenues of my life other than to serve the never ending needs of my ex gfwPBD.  

Stay on the board.  Learn about BPD.  The good news is that everything you write, we on the board understand and know too well.  

And for me the above is a great comfort because:

I am not alone!  I am not crazy!  And for me, there is a way out of the INSANITY!  And for me recovery is possible.

But, I might have to work for it.

[fromheeltoheal]

Its called emotional abuse.  She used that because she thought you were too good for her.  Trust me, you will do much better than her. 

Nice!   

[bpdspell]

No one would ever love me the way she did and I would never find anyone better than her.

Loving everyone's responses.

You need BPD love like you need a hole in your head.

This is a tactic that abusers use to weaken your self-esteem and self-worth. When we put our thinking caps on we can look at them for who they truly are: nonsensical and disordered.

My ex was a liar, cheater, abuser, manipulator, entitled, bossy, controlling, obsessive, narcissistic, and all around neurotically selfish person. He said the same arrogant thing: that this was as good as it got.

What they really mean is: you are the best I ever had and I need you to continue be a sucker for me so I can continue to treat you like discardable trash." "In order to keep in my disordered world of captivity I need to make you feel like I'm an oasis in the desert."



Now I shake my head at that absurdity.

CoastalFog…you can do better and you will do better and that is their greatest fear.

Spell

[Perfidy]

Just for the record costalfog... . I heard the same words. I almost pee'd myself laughing. Far from the best.

[growing_wings]

She often told me real love was losing myself in another person, meaning her. She tried to change things I did by telling me if I loved her I’d have no problem changing to eventually say I’m only going to ask you to do it once.

real love means you let the other person be who they truly are.

above is a twisted way to "love" someone.  that is closer to "control" than to "love"... .

[fromheeltoheal]

She often told me real love was losing myself in another person, meaning her. She tried to change things I did by telling me if I loved her I’d have no problem changing to eventually say I’m only going to ask you to do it once.

real love means you let the other person be who they truly are.

above is a twisted way to "love" someone.  that is closer to "control" than to "love"... .

From a clinical standpoint, that is true for a borderline.  A BPD sufferer doesn't have a fully formed 'self', so they attach, fuse, to someone else in a very unhealthy way to 'complete' themselves and become whole.  And when they get too close they feel engulfed, meaning they lose themselves in another person, so they push that person away.  Then they feel abandoned, so they pull that person closer.  On and on in the psychic dance of push/pull, with contentment and happiness only happening for the short periods they're successfully straddling the fence between the two.

Love the way we define it requires a bond between two autonomous individuals in a partnership; a sufferer is not capable of that because they are not a full individual.

[growing_wings]

She often told me real love was losing myself in another person, meaning her. She tried to change things I did by telling me if I loved her I’d have no problem changing to eventually say I’m only going to ask you to do it once.

real love means you let the other person be who they truly are.

above is a twisted way to "love" someone.  that is closer to "control" than to "love"... .

From a clinical standpoint, that is true for a borderline.  A BPD sufferer doesn't have a fully formed 'self', so they attach, fuse, to someone else in a very unhealthy way to 'complete' themselves and become whole.  And when they get too close they feel engulfed, meaning they lose themselves in another person, so they push that person away.  Then they feel abandoned, so they pull that person closer.  On and on in the psychic dance of push/pull, with contentment and happiness only happening for the short periods they're successfully straddling the fence between the two.

Love the way we define it requires a bond between two autonomous individuals in a partnership; a sufferer is not capable of that because they are not a full individual.

excellent description fromheeltoheal... .

[santa]

Its called emotional abuse.  She used that because she thought you were too good for her.  Trust me, you will do much better than her. 

+1

[Moonie75]

No one would ever love me the way she did

Make sure this happens and you'll be fine.

This is brilliant!

Thank you

[Moonie75]

My answer to this question is, YES!

We've acquired ourselves a ghost. We're haunted!

[Changingman]

Yes, hopefully. Changed for ever.

This is a message of hope. Who are you, what do you want? You've been someone else now, how'd that work out for you? didn't like it did you. Now accept who you are, what your joy is and be it, unashamed.

Don't drift back to the person who would take this s***.

Everything she said was a lie, everything. Stinking thinking produces stinking lives. Wake up, it's alright, it's safe.

Of course she meant to control you with lies and manipulation, you don't believe her anymore do you?. She has proved that to you if nothing else. Look around you on this site. Betrayal of everything they touch and are.

Do people usher children into gas ovens?

Are suicides as ordinary as the sunsets?

Is cancer as natural as flowers?

Yes

But if only cancer would change, perhaps if I say or act differently cancer could love me? * single tear runs slowly down cheek *

My uBPDxgf used to say regularly

Am I the best girlfriend in the world?

Ummm, no, no your not. In fact you are the worst girlfriend in the world, to every boyfriend and ' friend ' you have. Past present and future. It's not personal.

The concept that has blown my mind out of everything I have learned since?

The ability to love is not universal.

Seems impossible. Crazy even!

No country for old men

Wife

The coin doesn't mean anything the coin don't decide, it's just you

Psycho

* superior disgust on his face *

I got here the same way the coin did

[Pearl55]

Changingman

Your posts are always very comforting and full of knowledge. Thanks

[Changingman]

Changingman

Your posts are always very comforting and full of knowledge. Thanks

Thank you Pearl,

This new reality has made almost everything I've experienced in my life make sense. Thanks to everyone for their knowledge and experience.

I write this stuff to myself as well as the poster, we all do I guess. The revelations are incredible. Very internal stuff, very powerful, emotional... . I'm getting stronger, really enjoying getting fit and watching my body heal and muscle develope. Don't go to a gym, not my style. Not vanity more about care and love and helps with anger issues. Feel more in control and protected.

I noticed you posted this process can take 6 months to 2 years depending on the abuse.?

Strength to you all

Changingman