I, foolish again, and mirroring in full effect.

[Depression = 72% of members]

She left her email up on the computer. Checked the deleted items folder and saw a message with her paramour's name. I read it (I admit invasion of privacy, but this Thing has invaded my house, life, and.been shamelessly thrown in my face now and then for months), the only message I read. Then I just rebooted the computer...

Salutations of Spanish pet names of love, talking about sharing calenders so they could coordinate their lives together ("though I think we've been doing a pretty good job of it" *ick*), "I want to grow closer to you," and so on. I can just imagine her saying those things to me, verbatim, in the Idealization phase. The thing is she didn't write it, he did.

Two empty, lying, deceptive, morally bankrupt mirrors facing each other... they are both sick, sick people. Only one more week, can't.come soon enough! Then I can breathe again. Then the real work.on how the kids will handle this will begin. That may be the.most painful of all. I still don't hate her, strangely, but then I'm not a hateful person at my core. To the Borderline Cassanova: it will come to you from the God you think you know, either in this life or the next, for being an instrument in causing permanent trauma to our children.

[Turkish]

She left her email up on the computer. Checked the deleted items folder and saw a message with her paramour's name. I read it (I admit invasion of privacy, but this Thing has invaded my house, life, and.been shamelessly thrown in my face now and then for months), the only message I read. Then I just rebooted the computer...

Salutations of Spanish pet names of love, talking about sharing calenders so they could coordinate their lives together ("though I think we've been doing a pretty good job of it" *ick*), "I want to grow closer to you," and so on. I can just imagine her saying those things to me, verbatim, in the Idealization phase. The thing is she didn't write it, he did.

Two empty, lying, deceptive, morally bankrupt mirrors facing each other... they are both sick, sick people. Only one more week, can't.come soon enough! Then I can breathe again. Then the real work.on how the kids will handle this will begin. That may be the.most painful of all. I still don't hate her, strangely, but then I'm not a hateful person at my core. To the Borderline Cassanova: it will come to you from the God you think you know, either in this life or the next, for being an instrument in causing permanent trauma to our children.

[Waifed]

Sorry you had to see that Turkish. I am glad you will soon have your freedom. One small piece of advice... . be very conscious of her attempts to control you even after she is out the door. My ex wife (not the BPD ex) still controls me 4 years later. I am aware of it but it is so hard to break the chain. It is so difficult to break the cycle of abuse but you won't be able to move on until you do. I think if you are consistent from the day she moves out you will be OK. Hang in there. Life is about to get good again before you know it.

[Pearl55]

Turkish

Be thankful to that man. I know it's really painful but honestly this the best way to get rid of a borderline! You will be so glad later on. While I was at his house, he used to stay downstairs at nights and he was on the phone most of nights and used to whisper to his new girl friend on the phone. I even didn't want to hear what he was saying! I knew all was lie about me and himself. The more intelligent borderline is the more chameleon behaviours! I feel sick of all how they dare they are to play games with people's life.

[Turkish]

Sorry you had to see that Turkish. I am glad you will soon have your freedom. One small piece of advice... . be very conscious of her attempts to control you even after she is out the door. My ex wife (not the BPD ex) still controls me 4 years later. I am aware of it but it is so hard to break the chain. It is so difficult to break the cycle of abuse but you won't be able to move on until you do. I think if you are consistent from the day she moves out you will be OK. Hang in there. Life is about to get good again before you know it.

Thanks  Waifed.  this next month will be hard for a number of reasons,  mostly due to a weird split schedule with the kids I  will see her about every 2 to 3  days  because our babysitter is out of town all month.  March will start the 235  schedule ( or something similar, I  forgot what it was exactly,  but it will be filed with the court.  at that point, I  went want her at my house at all,  because knowing her controlling tendencies,  she'll use any excuse to criticize how I  keep the house. I  really have to throw myself back into work since I  will be under tremendous pressure for a 5  month project.  they've given me plenty of grace these past few months but that has ended.  The good thing is that on non kid days I  can go in early and work late.  better than coming home and ruminating in an empty house.

I  have the kids half the day today.  she went to look at beds.  if course I'm sure she picked up her little buddy on the way,  as she was suddenly pressed for time on the way out.  even then,  she asked me what I  thought of her sweater,  if it looked OK on her.  Always with the validation!  why did she still need that from me?  it wasn't sexy or anything,  it was just a  sweater.

[growing_wings]

not easy to digest... . is tough what you are going through Turkish... .

i feel for you. keep the strength. You will feel better and you will get through this. both of them (your ex & casanova) will see their fate FAR from you.

stay strong and be well

[maxen]

Two empty, lying, deceptive, morally bankrupt mirrors facing each other

yyyyyyup

(sounds familiar too)

[Tausk]

Oh Turk:

I can't imagine the pain.  I'm so sorry.  You're very brave and courageous to be moving forward. I hope you can realize that fact and give yourself credit.

I had to do my best to depersonalize.  I had to remember that her cheating and moving on, was not about me.  It's all she could do.  It was a survival response from a person with limited capacity to cope with life.  She's just doing the only thing she know and can do.  Mentally she can't take responsibility, reflect, grow or understand why she feels and does the things she does.   I wrote the following in deepest of sadness a couple of years ago.



All she can do is paint me black, forget me, and lay with another man.

It's so very pathetic, but it's not personal. It doesn't really relieve the pain, but at least it helped me to process my pain in a more productive manner. 

Perhaps think about what is the next best thing you can do for you children.  There is no way to win in the game with the disorder.  The only way not to lose is not to play.  So stepping outside and being mindful, can help you, your children, and your family.  Keep on the board.   

Thank you for sharing and for your courage.  You are an inspiration to everyone working on this board to detach.

In support

T

[damage control]

So sorry Turkish.

I read emails one day as well - they were different to yours and there were at least a few women he was lining up - but when I came across one where he was calling her by 'my' pet name - it was a smack in the face.

In fact, I use that as a reminder when my heart starts to warm to him again and miss him ... I was a symbol to him, one in a long line of other symbols. We are interchangeable to him as long as we basically fit his set criteria.

I only became a real 'person' to him once the sex was out of the equation and somebody else was his lover ... . so hurtful.

Stay strong and remember that one email does not equal a relationship - yours or theirs.

[Turkish]

So sorry Turkish.

I read emails one day as well - they were different to yours and there were at least a few women he was lining up - but when I came across one where he was calling her by 'my' pet name - it was a smack in the face.

In fact, I use that as a reminder when my heart starts to warm to him again and miss him ... I was a symbol to him, one in a long line of other symbols. We are interchangeable to him as long as we basically fit his set criteria.

I only became a real 'person' to him once the sex was out of the equation and somebody else was his lover ... . so hurtful.

Stay strong and remember that one email does not equal a relationship - yours or theirs.

Oh the emails,  texts and clandestine ( she thinks)  trysts gene been going on for months.  if I  hadn't put clear boundaries down,  it would have been worse.  at most,  is been an inconvenience and made them want each other more. I  read all sorts of things she wrote to him in the beginning ( left in the clipboard of the word processor,  simple to retrieve as I accidentally did one day).  it was then that I realized the depth of it and I  technically called it done,  even though she was two month's done,  she let me go through the motions of trying to bring her back.  there was never anything to bring back.  how does one capture emptiness anyway?

[damage control]

Oh the emails,  texts and clandestine ( she thinks)  trysts gene been going on for months.  if I  hadn't put clear boundaries down,  it would have been worse.  at most,  is been an inconvenience and made them want each other more. I  read all sorts of things she wrote to him in the beginning ( left in the clipboard of the word processor,  simple to retrieve as I accidentally did one day).  it was then that I realized the depth of it and I  technically called it done,  even though she was two month's done,  she let me go through the motions of trying to bring her back.  there was never anything to bring back. how does one capture emptiness anyway?

Your hurt is just palpable here Turk.

The question you ask above is central - you CANNOT capture emptiness.

The evidence of betrayal is almost impossible to digest - I wrote to someone here recently that those hurtful memories are like railroad spikes made of ice being jabbed into my brain - I physically wince when they flicker across my mind and I gasp and actually shake my head to make them go away ... . if that is what 'truth' feels like ... . no wonder I (we?) self medicate and fall down.

It feels like there is a hole in the world that we never knew existed and now that we know, it's all that we can see.

She never deserved you Turkish ... . and you sure as hell never deserved her ... . (I hope you know what I mean here).

Please keep posting/writing if you are up - it's daytime here and a public holiday so I will be around for a while if you feel like venting.

[Turkish]

Oh the emails,  texts and clandestine ( she thinks)  trysts gene been going on for months.  if I  hadn't put clear boundaries down,  it would have been worse.  at most,  is been an inconvenience and made them want each other more. I  read all sorts of things she wrote to him in the beginning ( left in the clipboard of the word processor,  simple to retrieve as I accidentally did one day).  it was then that I realized the depth of it and I  technically called it done,  even though she was two month's done,  she let me go through the motions of trying to bring her back.  there was never anything to bring back. how does one capture emptiness anyway?

Your hurt is just palpable here Turk.

The question you ask above is central - you CANNOT capture emptiness.

The evidence of betrayal is almost impossible to digest - I wrote to someone here recently that those hurtful memories are like railroad spikes made of ice being jabbed into my brain - I physically wince when they flicker across my mind and I gasp and actually shake my head to make them go away ... . if that is what 'truth' feels like ... . no wonder I (we?) self medicate and fall down.

It feels like there is a hole in the world that we never knew existed and now that we know, it's all that we can see.

She never deserved you Turkish ... . and you sure as hell never deserved her ... . (I hope you know what I mean here).

Please keep posting/writing if you are up - it's daytime here and a public holiday so I will be around for a while if you feel like venting.

Thanks dc... . I do know what you mean, and others have told me something like this. I deserved only what I got for continuing a r/s I knew was off from the beginning. I was never as head over heels in love as most here. I still don't know what that means. Its funny, her lil s is was posting more of those silly FB r/s "wisdom" affirmations, "give her a reason to stay and she will" and crap like that. Probably not directed at me, as she's always posted stuff like that. LS may or may not be BPD, but they did grow up in the same family. Give someone a reason to stay, or to not leave? How about staying because you WANT to and value COMMITMENT? Way to telegraph queen/king tendencies. Sadly, a common view in modern self centered society. Me, me, me!


We're watchimg tv with the kids and hanging out. I'll retreat to the backyard later after we bathe and put the kids to bed in an hour. Maybe try to post on the newbie board, if even from my tablet. I've been slacking there lately... . been slacking everywhere. T-minus 8 days! 4, reallly, since she's going out of town for a few days, and so am I with the little angel monsters to myself. No sending her pics this time, as last time she used them to criticize my parenting skills *sigh*

[Murbay]

Turkish, I feel your pain but just think that not long and you won't have to put up with it any more.

My exBPDw used to go through my phone and my laptop looking for evidence. I left everything unlocked and in plain site because I had nothing to hide. Still didn't stop the accusations, strange considering I never left the house.

A few months later, a friend of mine sent me a message on FB to say that my exBPDw was flirting with my exgf's boyfriend and sent me a copy of the message. I never said anything to exBPDw about it until one night at the very end of the marriage, she was convinced I was hiding an affair (again, I never left the house, apart from dropping kids at school and even then I was timed) I calmly put the message in front of her and she exploded.

She wasn't angry at being found out, she had no remorse, no guilt. Instead, she said she did it for me to see if she could dig up info on my kids. She was livid at the fact she had been betrayed and ranted about calling the police because nobody had a right to share something she had written. Like I say, not an ounce of remorse.

Believe me, it felt great, after months of endless abuse for something I hadn't done I was able to turn the tables and her reaction was priceless, especially when I wouldn't not allow her to switch the blame. I look back on things like that now and smile. It is a whole different story when you are caught up in it, but like I said at the start, not long now and your healing process will begin 

[Perfidy]

Turkish you are going to be surprised at how much better you're going to feel when that crap is finally out of your life once and for all. I know how bad it hurts but brother the pain will be worth not suffering for the rest of your life. Hugs my friend. 

[Turkish]

Disgusted again tonight. The POS just can't help himself, called her phone while she was giving D1 a bath. I picked it up because her mom from out of town may have been calling, but I knew, oh I knew. His contact photo is a stupid selfie to make himself look tough. Resisted the strong urge to answer and, "so... . we meet at last." Followed by a Hannibal Lecter getting inside your head speech I've been rehearsing in my mind. I can be very good with words, too, VERY good, especially against a mental midget half my age with 1/10th my life experience.

I put the phone down, fuming. Paced the front room while she got D1 ready for bed. Bathed S4, then he was running around the house looking for a toy... he opened the spare room door. She was already on the phone. I usually have him kiss her goodnight,. She asked what he was looking for. I said some toy. Then gave her a hard took for a long moment and closed the door. I tucked my son in, sang him a song (which she hardly ever does, didn't to D1, had to get on the phone!), said his prayers (even included her in them, yes), said them for myself to comfort my angry thoughts. I then reatreated to the backyard darkness, hunched over the cold machine glow of my dim tablet... .

[Perfidy]

 , you got the cool of a cucumber there mister. I am a man of great respect. I am one of the most respected in my field. I understand respect. I respect you. Here's why. In comparison, we have you, a loving father trying his best to take care of his family. There is nothing, NOTHING, greater on this earth than that. Then there's a young man that is interested in a woman who is married, living with her husband, and has two kids. Turk, this fella that's seeing your wife, how could he respect himself or anyone else? Your self discipline is above average. If I could reward you for that I would. You are the kind of people that I chose to surround myself with. That woman is losing a treasure that will not be replaced by any thing or flesh and blood on this earth.

[Turkish]

, you got the cool of a cucumber there mister. I am a man of great respect. I am one of the most respected in my field. I understand respect. I respect you. Here's why. In comparison, we have you, a loving father trying his best to take care of his family. There is nothing, NOTHING, greater on this earth than that. Then there's a young man that is interested in a woman who is married, living with her husband, and has two kids. Turk, this fella that's seeing your wife, how could he respect himself or anyone else? Your self discipline is above average. If I could reward you for that I would. You are the kind of people that I chose to surround myself with. That woman is losing a treasure that will not be replaced by any thing or flesh and blood on this earth.

Thanks, Perf.  Kind words, really kind. We're not "technically" married, but with kids involved, effectively are. I'm sure it justfies it in their minds, bless their little borderline hearts!

Talked to a buddy for a while on the phone. I said my expat buddies at work offered to go back to their home country with me and bring home a waif. They're lining up, they say. They are serious too. My buddy gets annoyed and says you just say that stuff to get my goat... I laugh and say yeah, but there is some appeal to it. Ironclad prenup, free babysitter, cute young thang on my arm. What could possibly go wrong?

[Moonie75]

Turkish,

I really don't know how you've kept you head through what's happened!

Must be like a never ending endurance test!

Hats off to you my man.

[Turkish]

Turkish,

I really don't know how you've kept you head through what's happened!

Must be like a never ending endurance test!

Hats off to you my man.

Neverending, dude, especially with kids. One thing I've gotten out of this is learning to set clear boundaries. Once the split custody orders and CS are signed (I make over twice what she does, grrr),  then my boundaries slam down. Hard. The FOG is gone, thanks to you all in helping with that.

[Waifed]

Disgusted again tonight. The POS just can't help himself, called her phone while she was giving D1 a bath. I picked it up because her mom from out of town may have been calling, but I knew, oh I knew. His contact photo is a stupid selfie to make himself look tough. Resisted the strong urge to answer and, "so... . we meet at last." Followed by a Hannibal Lecter getting inside your head speech I've been rehearsing in my mind. I can be very good with words, too, VERY good, especially against a mental midget half my age with 1/10th my life experience.

I put the phone down, fuming. Paced the front room while she got D1 ready for bed. Bathed S4, then he was running around the house looking for a toy... he opened the spare room door. She was already on the phone. I usually have him kiss her goodnight,. She asked what he was looking for. I said some toy. Then gave her a hard took for a long moment and closed the door. I tucked my son in, sang him a song (which she hardly ever does, didn't to D1, had to get on the phone!), said his prayers (even included her in them, yes), said them for myself to comfort my angry thoughts. I then reatreated to the backyard darkness, hunched over the cold machine glow of my dim tablet... .

Thinkin I would have tossed the phone in the tub.  No, I would have for sure especially since I would have been in the FOG at that point.

[Turkish]

Disgusted again tonight. The POS just can't help himself, called her phone while she was giving D1 a bath. I picked it up because her mom from out of town may have been calling, but I knew, oh I knew. His contact photo is a stupid selfie to make himself look tough. Resisted the strong urge to answer and, "so... . we meet at last." Followed by a Hannibal Lecter getting inside your head speech I've been rehearsing in my mind. I can be very good with words, too, VERY good, especially against a mental midget half my age with 1/10th my life experience.

I put the phone down, fuming. Paced the front room while she got D1 ready for bed. Bathed S4, then he was running around the house looking for a toy... he opened the spare room door. She was already on the phone. I usually have him kiss her goodnight,. She asked what he was looking for. I said some toy. Then gave her a hard took for a long moment and closed the door. I tucked my son in, sang him a song (which she hardly ever does, didn't to D1, had to get on the phone!), said his prayers (even included her in them, yes), said them for myself to comfort my angry thoughts. I then reatreated to the backyard darkness, hunched over the cold machine glow of my dim tablet... .

Thinkin I would have tossed the phone in the tub.  No, I would have for sure especially since I would have been in the FOG at that point.

She didn't know I saw. She's still here, CS custody in process. Have to keep my cool for now. If I ever get the opportunity later, I'll let her know what I know, with specifics... . or maybe not. I think she will destroy her self. All I'll do is sitback and watch. Stupidly giving her $ today, her severence package. She will use it to buy beds for the kids... . and for her. She's leaving a lot of stuff she did buy, so it is somewhatequitable.

DC: I have the kids 24/7 now until next Tuesday. I suppose Monday night she can baptize her new place with her BT. She thinks she won't have it readyn time and she's probably right anyway. Shell be in and out until wed when she goes out of state until sat to visit her new nephew. She said I don't even have to come back until Sunday to giver her a chance to pack and clean the house, her one last contribution. Then I'll be here all day Monday with the kids while she moves out. Have the kids again wed night through sat morning after which a friend will come into town to help paint her away and change a bunch of stuff around the house. I appreciate having friends like that. She doesn't. Just the BT now. She was still asking me for logistical advice last night, like what would I do. I said I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place! But if so, id have it lined up and arranged just the same, not compressed into one day. I finally gave her the answer she wanted to hear. Still looking to me for wisdom/validation. Can this 32 year old chick really take care of herself? That's the plan, Stan. Yes, DC, I am ok, thank you so much for checking in.

[Turkish]

I also took my kids on local backroads to a wilderness area. S4 loves the car, just like his daddy. Had a picnic, walked some trails a bit. Very relaxing. Could sometimes do that with the X, when the drama was minimal... D1 loves to pick up dirt and sift it through her hands. I let her, and won't tell their mom of course... . no drama, no WoE!

In the end, this will be a good thing, at least on my side.

[maxen]

If I ever get the opportunity later, I'll let her know what I know, with specifics... . or maybe not.

i've actually been thinking about this moment myself. when it's all over and doesn't matter anymore, my desire to stick in her face what i know about her may become moot. i won't know how i feel until i'm at that point.

[Turkish]

If I ever get the opportunity later, I'll let her know what I know, with specifics... . or maybe not.

i've actually been thinking about this moment myself. when it's all over and doesn't matter anymore, my desire to stick in her face what i know about her may become moot. i won't know how i feel until i'm at that point.

An anonymous letter sent to her at an opportune moment (perhaps if she marries the guy), with a few cut and pastes from some of the messages, with a message made from letters cut out from magazines like a ransom note, "I KneW aBouT evRyTHinG THe WhOLe tiME."

[maxen]

  

[Waifed]

Disgusted again tonight. The POS just can't help himself, called her phone while she was giving D1 a bath. I picked it up because her mom from out of town may have been calling, but I knew, oh I knew. His contact photo is a stupid selfie to make himself look tough. Resisted the strong urge to answer and, "so... . we meet at last." Followed by a Hannibal Lecter getting inside your head speech I've been rehearsing in my mind. I can be very good with words, too, VERY good, especially against a mental midget half my age with 1/10th my life experience.

I put the phone down, fuming. Paced the front room while she got D1 ready for bed. Bathed S4, then he was running around the house looking for a toy... he opened the spare room door. She was already on the phone. I usually have him kiss her goodnight,. She asked what he was looking for. I said some toy. Then gave her a hard took for a long moment and closed the door. I tucked my son in, sang him a song (which she hardly ever does, didn't to D1, had to get on the phone!), said his prayers (even included her in them, yes), said them for myself to comfort my angry thoughts. I then reatreated to the backyard darkness, hunched over the cold machine glow of my dim tablet... .

Thinkin I would have tossed the phone in the tub.  No, I would have for sure especially since I would have been in the FOG at that point.

She didn't know I saw. She's still here, CS custody in process. Have to keep my cool for now. If I ever get the opportunity later, I'll let her know what I know, with specifics... . or maybe not. I think she will destroy her self. All I'll do is sitback and watch. Stupidly giving her $ today, her severence package. She will use it to buy beds for the kids... . and for her. She's leaving a lot of stuff she did buy, so it is somewhatequitable.

DC: I have the kids 24/7 now until next Tuesday. I suppose Monday night she can baptize her new place with her BT. She thinks she won't have it readyn time and she's probably right anyway. Shell be in and out until wed when she goes out of state until sat to visit her new nephew. She said I don't even have to come back until Sunday to giver her a chance to pack and clean the house, her one last contribution. Then I'll be here all day Monday with the kids while she moves out. Have the kids again wed night through sat morning after which a friend will come into town to help paint her away and change a bunch of stuff around the house. I appreciate having friends like that. She doesn't. Just the BT now. She was still asking me for logistical advice last night, like what would I do. I said I wouldn't be in this situation in the first place! But if so, id have it lined up and arranged just the same, not compressed into one day. I finally gave her the answer she wanted to hear. Still looking to me for wisdom/validation. Can this 32 year old chick really take care of herself? That's the plan, Stan. Yes, DC, I am ok, thank you so much for checking in.

Pretty much pointless to bring it up later. When I did all she could say is "OK". They really are bad people whether they mean to be or not. Just cut ties as much as possible and move on. Never feed her ego. You will only be doing yourself a disservice and she has done nothing to earn your praise.

[maxen]

They really are bad people whether they mean to be or not.

i think that's an incisive comment. there is an ineradicable moral element, and no amount of psychologizing can remove that. not that the psychological element is inferior or absent, not at all, but the moral element isn't either.