How long does idealization phase typically last for

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I want to know because my exBPDgf dumped me for some other guy. I know he is feeling all special now, like he found his soulmate, and like he is the man for getting someone so great.

But i know that this is just a phase and things will change. I went through it with her, she put me on a pedestal and made me feel on top of the world. But things changed.

I want to know because she dumped me 4 months before graduation. And i know it is wrong to wish this upon your enemy. But i want him to be around enough to see her change and start to drag him to hell. I want him to know that he is not fortunate to have found her but realize he was the next prey.

So how long do idealization phases usually last?

[Pinoypride18]

I want to know because my exBPDgf dumped me for some other guy. I know he is feeling all special now, like he found his soulmate, and like he is the man for getting someone so great.

But i know that this is just a phase and things will change. I went through it with her, she put me on a pedestal and made me feel on top of the world. But things changed.

I want to know because she dumped me 4 months before graduation. And i know it is wrong to wish this upon your enemy. But i want him to be around enough to see her change and start to drag him to hell. I want him to know that he is not fortunate to have found her but realize he was the next prey.

So how long do idealization phases usually last?

[buddy1226]

Mine lasted about a month and would come and go depending on what she needed from me. I think to that it depends on how confident our boundaries are. I had low self esteem and she knew she could bully me. I thought I was lucky to be with her. God, I'm mad at myself for taking her sh!t!

[Moonie75]

Average seems to be about three months. All but impossible to hold the mask for much longer!

Long distance relationship can be waaaaaaay longer though. Much less triggering & many pwBPD cope very well in LDR's.

I was long distance for a year. Perfect, not a single issue. I moved to be with her & stated showing cracks after about two months. At three month mark I was in the thick of it!

[growing_wings]

i think it depends on the dynamics of the relationship between the non and the BPD, but in my experience, it lasted 4 months... . but i saw some red flags during those months but i just ignored them (ha!)... . just got properly bitter after 4 months... . acidic. ouch

[janey62]

Hi Pino,

Will it help you to know the answer?  It sounds as if you're struggling to detach and move on, which is perfectly normal even if its painful.

Are you looking after yourself?  You might be spending a lot of time thinking about this and not enough thinking about yourself and what you can do to begin to try to heal this very deep wound.  The thing is, as natural as it is to feel this stuff, while you let yourself obsess about her and who she's with and what she's doing you're effectively keeping the wound open and raw. 

It takes as long as it takes, I know this, but try not to dwell on your loss.  If you can I'd plan to go see friends, spend time outside, do something different, give yourself a hug and try to shut her out at least for some of the time.  The healing can start once you take that step to be in control of your thoughts and feelings. 

The wicked game these people play is so powerful because they have no rules or boundaries.  In order to heal we have to rebuild our rules and boundaries to not include them. 

sending you a 

Janey xx

[Pinoypride18]

i am actually having a hard trying detaching. I was good right after the breakup a month ago. But things all changed when i had to spend a week in the same venue as her. I would see her randomly and it brought up memories. I accidentally broke NC. And everything felt weird especially after running into her and her new guy. Also hearing the dirty things they have been doing already. this is all getting me sick to my stomach. Yesterday i left that same venue and have not seen her since. Out of sight out of . I have been trying to get my mind off things by doing work or working out. It is going to take me some time to recover after last week.

[janey62]

Its amazing how fast you can go from feeling good and strong to feeling terrible again and caught up in the web... . but you're doing the right things Pino, you just have to keep telling yourself to do them.

BPD people seem to be a bit like (demonic) children, they have very little conscience.  They can make you feel so loved and special and then so bad about yourself that you want to die!  In the end it boils down to what you will let them do to you; its a hard truth to swallow and I"m only just getting it from reading what others say on here.  Of course first you have to realise what they're doing and that you're letting them, that's the hard bit.

Avoiding places she might be is a good idea.  Stay strong! 

Janey xx

[Pinoypride18]

janey62, yes i agree with the whole demonic children thing. my ex was a dark person and had no emotion to anybody. she was such a horrible person she would turn a straight guy gay . that is how messed i am after all this, yes the attention and sex was great but i barely think it was worth it after the way she treated me. thanks everyone for the advise

[lemon flower]

I understand how you feel though try not to get bitter, why would you wish for that guy to get into the same hell you experienced... . the guy is not to blame I suppose

in the end your bitter or revengeance thoughts are harming you more than they"ll harm them !

try to look at this relationship as a lesson that will make you wiser in your next relationship and be glad you got out of it 

[Pearl55]

I agree with triskina, Infact feel sorry for that guy and be glad for your loss.

[Ironmanrises]

It lasts until closeness/intimacy reaches the plateau level in normal relationships. That is when trigger day occurs and in direct response, the terrible stranger is summoned forth; their other side. No exact period is established for length of time, other then, rest assured that it will happen to the new person too. Why? It is a universal aspect of the disorder and you experienced it too.

[Mazda]

Piony,

I completely understand where you are coming from.  Although I have even interacted with my replacement (now wife) and she was so nice to me, I want the mask to fall sooner.

I guess it is a combination of factors, the first few probably apply to you:

1. Confirmation it is not you, but the BPD that is faulty (hard to admit but true)

2. A desire for the ex to continue to be sick (I don't want my ex to ever get better, after the amount of pain he has caused others, let him suffer) - not sure if you're at this place but my ex behaved dispicably.  Thankfully, I am certain that this is true anyway and he will suffer.

3. Makes what they said to us less believable in our heads if we know they have behaved in a similar manner with others.

4. Replacement attacks our ego - why weren't we good enough? How could we have been left so suddenly and not cared about? What's wrong with us? What do they have that we don't?

For me, there is also:

5. She is a good hearted person and she doesn't deserve to go through what I went through.

6. The sooner he is left, the sooner the world will know the problem was with him, and not me (as I was publicly blamed by his classless family).

7. He and his family caused me and my family so much pain and moved on, as if they did nothing to us (calling off a wedding is pretty damaging) - I want them to feel the pain that was put in my heart.

Piony,  while I completely understand why you want to know how long until the next poor victim sees this, it is detrimental to you.  I know this because it is where I am stuck right now.  We cannot live our lives waiting for theirs to collapse.  They will be left, if the non has the courage and strength to leave, otherwise they will be stuck in a horrible relationship with a monster.  Pity is the right emotion. 

I remember my replacement telling me that I show character because I don't begrudge her.  I don't hold a grudge and she is marrying my ex fiance. Well, you only begrudge people who you have some ounce of envy or jealousy towards.  By this point in time, I knew my ex will enough that the only thing I felt was sympathy and pity for the girl.  We are lucky piony, we saw the truth.

The mask will fall, because it is who they are.  You simply cannot pretend to be something you are not forever.  Especially if there is also a personality disorder thrown into the mix for good measure.

Piony, take comfort from the fact that it was a close shave and this new relationship is yet another ticking time bomb.  Don't wait around for it t go off, get on with your life.  Their fate is for them to face, go out and find your own happiness, because it certainly won't come from them.

To actually answer your question, it depends on a number of factors.  How long distance they are, how severe the BPD is, how low/high functioning the BPD is, how good the non is at handing dysregulation, how much the non is willing to put up with and how many triggers are faced.  Symptoms show between 3-6 months with slight red flags before then that are generally ignored or explained away.  How long the non will stick around is a different matter though.

[Murbay]

My BPDgf had a 10 year relationship and then straight into a 2 year marriage that she says was over from the start. Although she claims that she has been single for 5 years after her marriage, I know that not to be the case and her relationships always fall apart around the 6 month point. She classes anything less than 6 months as never happening too.

In terms of our relationship, she literally and figuratively hid behind a mask for the first couple of months. Was over there one evening when she had a major drama going on and she went into a rage. Not at me or anything I had done but ended the relationship a couple of days later. Apparently, I wasn't meant to see that side of her, she didn't want me to hate her and was afraid if I saw the anger I would leave her. I didn't and since then the cycle repeats regularly with her running away and withdrawing.

I'm pretty certain when it gets to 6 months, I will just become another "never happened"

[Perfidy]

The way I look at is that there are sicker men and there are better men. Life is dynamic, always changing. If they are both sick on the same day for a lot of days in a row, it won't last long. It couldn't, there would be too much turmoil. I lasted almost eight years tolerating absurd behavior. I knew she was sick. I was sick for accepting her behavior. I also have my own life that I pay a lot of attention to. Living my life and minding my own business instead of hers extended the relationship. In other words there were a lot of days that I didn't fall into her sickness. To sum it up, it depends on the individuals.

[Dutched]

I agree with Perfidy Mazda and Ironman.

As I also think, it depends on the level of functioning and their history.

Been together more than 3 decades. A 10 yrs nothing at all, second 10 yrs,  some “odd” behaviour, wrinkles, contradictions gaslightning. In year 21 a total devaluation of me. Until year 25 some outbursts of which I thought What the heck what is happening. As from then an every 3 months, a 15 times total. Additional a 6 times when she threatened to stop the r/s. In her Grandiosity, the 6th time it was over in a blink of an eye.

The last 2 yrs. (as I learned about it) I managed to reduce the outbursts to once a year.

So I truly believe it has to do with their level of functioning, stress they experience in the r/s and/or work. And looking to myself too, I always was strong, but faced a difficult period too. So she took that with both hands.

[Pretty Woman]

Pino,

 My idealization was about a month until she started to rage at me. The first time, I actually got pissed. She called me an a-hole over something so insignificant it threw me and I told her to leave my house. She cried like a baby and I felt so bad I took her back.

Three months in she dumped me. Seems like every three months I got canned and she would dissapear for an amount of time that was strange.

Exactly 37 days. And our last contact would always be 13 days into it.

How nuts is that?

I started marking stuff in my day planner, I still do. That is how I saw patterns and started piecing BPD together.

I know it is hard but don't wish this hell on the other person. She is not going to change and it might be different with the other guy (because he is not you) but don't think for one moment it will "work out". It will drive you crazy if they stay together longer than you and her did.

Best thing to do is mentally wish her well. Send her off with "love". As crappy as you felt you need to re-emerge back into your life happy and moving forward. I know how hard this is. Read my posts. This past year was the worst year of my life.

By far.

It will get easier as you emerge from the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). After awhile you will feel for the other person... . they have no idea what they are getting into.

[DiamondSW]

idealisation lasted 8-10 weeks.  Then minor weird statements.  First full blown rage about 4months in, then the rage episodes were every 2 mths and the nasty statements/actions, almost every week.  Got to the point where she avoided me because she couldn't help herself... . even invited me to church with her on Sundays because that was one of the few places where she could control herself. 

Bit like the sex in a negative correlation way.  lots to start, nothing by end, although lots of statements that she 'loved me'... .   (to compensate)  The more angrier she got, the more lonely I became. 

hell

[janey62]

Mine dumped me after a week of us being together, then again a week later.  He put it down to nerves after a nasty divorce.  It happened like that for about 10 weeks, by which time I was thoroughly confused and I ended it with him.  We had NC for 3 months, but he must have planted a chip in my head, or, I'm a complete lunatic, because one morning around 5.30am I texted him saying, I miss you, and he came right back with, I miss you too.  That was a mistake 

We also lived apart for 16 months and the meltdowns were 4 to 6 weeks apart.  He would stay with me for a a few days and then need his space and go home, often then sending me weird texts and sometimes they became abusive, especially if he was drinking.  When I moved in with him recently it lasted one day and he kicked me out!  Since then its been every 3 days, with one or two longer bursts of calm.

Sigh!

[Lol4fun]

Well if you want the idealization phase to be super fast then follow the same course/path that mine did. Go on first date, next night go over & hang out at his house spend the night (with out being intimate), next day go running together after work then go do own thing, next day spend entire day & night together stay over at his place, hang out next morning for a little bit, spend the next night together and proceed until you have basically spent the first 10 days together non-stop with maybe a few hours apart due to work or for me taking care of my dogs. Add in non-stop texting, phone call etc. It got close & intimate really quickly tho it was a false sense but 10 days right away triggered him bad. He took the 10 days and how deep it was to fast fwd our r/s to what it might be between two people at 5, 6, or maybe 7 months. Criticism, devaluing, etc came by day 11 I believe that was the first time he got mad at me for something innocuous. From then on we would go about a week or until every Sunday then it got shorter and shorter to about every 48 hours. He was aware of this I even said one time you know we are fine & you are fine with me when we are actually physically together the rage/him getting mad I told him only happens when I leave and am at my own house (isn't that telling) he brought up at the end it didn't work bc we couldn't get along for more than 48 hours and why that is he didn't know (him BS cause I was getting along fine he'd just create something to get upset with me about and say I was then not getting along with him)

If you want the idealization to last longer I would imagine do a LDR or make them follow the same dating rules as most normal people, you go out on a first date, then go out the next week and during the first month maybe see each other once week, 2nd month 2x a week, 3rd month 3x a week, 4th month 4x a week so on and so forth... . Following that pacing I would imagine by 4 or 5 months you'll see it start unraveling.

[blissful_camper]

My ex was high functioning and performed well at work, but in his personal life, he was a mess.  He had the ability to compartmentalize his life pretty well, so only his significant others were at the receiving end of the madness. 

We'd known each other for years and were initially long distance living in different states.  We visited when we could and kept in touch via phone and skype.  I experienced push-pull the first time he visited.  It struck me as odd, but I didn't realize what it was until later.  I started seeing cracks in the mask within the first month (even long distance) but during that first month he was receptive to my questions about his inconsistent behavior and had reasonable explanations.

By the second month I caught him in a rather large lie, and that was when I experienced his first rage.  Over the phone.  I'd never had anyone yell at me in that way.  That was when the idealization seemed to shift to a mixture of idealization and devaluation.

Five months later, I moved to his community.  I was giving it a 6-month trial period.  As the end of my lease approached, he went further downhill, and during the last two months there was a lot of acting out at his end.  It went from bad to worse. 

Before I moved home, I spoke with his ex-wife who validated my experience and that helped me make the decision to move.   

Sorry for taking the scenic route to answer your question about how long idealization lasts.  The answer is 2 months in my relationship. 

[love4meNOTu]

Idealization lasted about five months... .

We met on July 26, 2011, his first paranoid delusional behavior started a week before we got married on January 4, 2013.

So that is aproximately 5 months, 2 days. Give or take.

L

[ShadowDancer]

A New York minute, or so it seems.

[Mazda]

Idealization lasted about five months... .

We met on July 26, 2011, his first paranoid delusional behavior started a week before we got married on January 4, 2013.

So that is aproximately 5 months, 2 days. Give or take.

L

Love, how long were you married for, if you don't mind me asking?

[love4meNOTu]

January 4, 2012 to September 9, 2013.

1 year, eight months. Things rapidly deteriorated after our one year anniversary. Rapidly.

and no problem!

sorry, just noticed my typo in my earlier post... . We married in January 2012, not January 2013.

[Mazda]

January 4, 2012 to September 9, 2013.

1 year, eight months. Things rapidly deteriorated after our one year anniversary. Rapidly.

and no problem!

sorry, just noticed my typo in my earlier post... . We married in January 2012, not January 2013.

It's funny... . with voldy I noticed that he would dysregulate considerably on "occasions" - our 6 months, my birthday, valentines day... . almost as if the stress of the expectation triggered him.  Do you think that could have come into play?

[Tausk]

Piony,

I completely understand where you are coming from.  Although I have even interacted with my replacement (now wife) and she was so nice to me, I want the mask to fall sooner.

I guess it is a combination of factors, the first few probably apply to you:

1. Confirmation it is not you, but the BPD that is faulty (hard to admit but true)

2. A desire for the ex to continue to be sick (I don't want my ex to ever get better, after the amount of pain he has caused others, let him suffer) - not sure if you're at this place but my ex behaved dispicably.  Thankfully, I am certain that this is true anyway and he will suffer.

3. Makes what they said to us less believable in our heads if we know they have behaved in a similar manner with others.

4. Replacement attacks our ego - why weren't we good enough? How could we have been left so suddenly and not cared about? What's wrong with us? What do they have that we don't?

For me, there is also:

5. She is a good hearted person and she doesn't deserve to go through what I went through.

6. The sooner he is left, the sooner the world will know the problem was with him, and not me (as I was publicly blamed by his classless family).

7. He and his family caused me and my family so much pain and moved on, as if they did nothing to us (calling off a wedding is pretty damaging) - I want them to feel the pain that was put in my heart.

Piony,  while I completely understand why you want to know how long until the next poor victim sees this, it is detrimental to you.  I know this because it is where I am stuck right now.  We cannot live our lives waiting for theirs to collapse.  They will be left, if the non has the courage and strength to leave, otherwise they will be stuck in a horrible relationship with a monster.  Pity is the right emotion. 

I remember my replacement telling me that I show character because I don't begrudge her.  I don't hold a grudge and she is marrying my ex fiance. Well, you only begrudge people who you have some ounce of envy or jealousy towards.  By this point in time, I knew my ex will enough that the only thing I felt was sympathy and pity for the girl.  We are lucky piony, we saw the truth.

The mask will fall, because it is who they are.  You simply cannot pretend to be something you are not forever.  Especially if there is also a personality disorder thrown into the mix for good measure.

Piony, take comfort from the fact that it was a close shave and this new relationship is yet another ticking time bomb.  Don't wait around for it t go off, get on with your life.  Their fate is for them to face, go out and find your own happiness, because it certainly won't come from them.

To actually answer your question, it depends on a number of factors.  How long distance they are, how severe the BPD is, how low/high functioning the BPD is, how good the non is at handing dysregulation, how much the non is willing to put up with and how many triggers are faced.  Symptoms show between 3-6 months with slight red flags before then that are generally ignored or explained away.  How long the non will stick around is a different matter though.

This is a very good response.  I know how much it hurts.  At times I still want my cheating ex and her new object to suffer.  But even when was happening, I knew that he, my replacement,  really didn't have the self awareness and self esteem to fight of the mirroring.   But it is still a big hit to my ego and false self.

I try and remember that what I let go wasn't a great prize but in fact a great burden.  And my replacement helped me dodge a bullet by taking it himself.  

And if I will be happy if terrible things to happen to my replacement... . does that mean that the guy who was in line before me is not really happy that I am suffering?  

Being stuck in the anger phase is a dangerous place, because it is not sustainable for a long period of time and can lead to impulsive and destructive responses.    Please be careful and be safe.  Take hope and strength in knowing that your feeling are identical to ones that I have had and probably the vast majority of people on this board have had.  The same topics come up over and over and over.  This one is not new.

In support,

T

[hybridax]

So my ex left me and moved across the country and has been living with my replacement ever since. its been almost 2 months now.  So the bomb should go off pretty soon?  

[Tausk]

So my ex left me and moved across the country and has been living with my replacement ever since. its been almost 2 months now.  So the bomb should go off pretty soon?  

It could, or maybe your replacement doesn't trigger your ex quite as much.  It's not that the replacement will be treated any better, but some people react differently.  I new that my replacement would be better for my ex because he didn't have any kind of temper.  He was totally able to suppress his needs.  I learned that his mother was a piece of work and he had to survive that.

But I also knew that he was a better fit for me ex.  He would get triggered like me.  And I don't think that he wants what I wanted in a relationship.  Many people are able to stay with a partner with BPD or NPD is they are simply willing to accept that cheating will be a part of the relationship.  I set that boundary, and that triggered my ex.

[love4meNOTu]

January 4, 2012 to September 9, 2013.

1 year, eight months. Things rapidly deteriorated after our one year anniversary. Rapidly.

and no problem!

sorry, just noticed my typo in my earlier post... . We married in January 2012, not January 2013.

It's funny... . with voldy I noticed that he would dysregulate considerably on "occasions" - our 6 months, my birthday, valentines day... . almost as if the stress of the expectation triggered him.  :)o you think that could have come into play?

A few things happened at our one year, I started a huge project at work, I was becoming disenchanted with him, the drama just never seemed to end Mazda. In the first year we were married, he had 3 people in his family die, his son (only 17) was in trouble with the law, his son got his 16 year old girlfriend pregnant, the bills for his son's juvenile incarceration... . The constant drama of HIM.

His pain (he had intense shoulder, back, neck pain), his family, his son, the deaths in his family... if I didn't drop everything and attend to his needs I was resented. The project I had at work was one of those projects that is once in a career. It was my time to shine, it had a definite end date, and he did not help me at all. I was working horrible hours, taking care of the house, him, my kids... . and he couldn't even go to the dang grocery store alone. When he started raging at me I just couldn't take it any more. It was one thing to deal with all that drama and be a strong couple, but another when your husband is taking pot shots at you every single day. He literally made my life hell. An emotional vampire, I was completely drained.

I could not fulfill his needs, they changed all the time, and he was seriously the most vindictive person I have ever met.

So was the anniversary a trigger... nope. He had been building up resentments against me from day one. Eventually they leaked out of him... all over me. He couldn't keep them in any longer.

L

[hybridax]

Well from what Ive heard about this guy is that hes a real a-hole.  Was always sleeping with multiple girls, referred to them as B&*ches and what not.  All of her friends and old co-workers cant believe that she has moved out there to be with him.  She even told me after we got back together that he was a real piece of s^%t.  I guess thats what she wants?