Coming to an end... and I'm freaking out

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

uBPDw and I have our final court date in less than a month... . and I'm starting to panic.  I know it's for the best (i'm the one that filed) and it's something I need to do for me and my S7; but I'm still panicking.  She's so good at making me feel guilty.  My s7 was at his mom's all weekend and I did my best to stay out of the house (uBPDw is still living at our home) but it's tough.  Anyone have any good tactics they've used in the past?  I keep reminding myself over and over again why I'm doing this, but it doesn't seem to work.  I think a part of me never thought it would get this far - I figured that filing would scare her into getting the help she so desperately needs.  I've told her that saving our marriage would require a separation, marriage counseling, and individual therapy... . she's known this for months now.  Last week she scheduled a MC apt... . after me begging her to do it for 2 years.  She's still refusing a separation though - says she will never do it.  Even at the expense of getting a divorce (seems strange to me... . she's claimed over and over again that she'll "do anything" to save our marriage... . except actually do anything at all... . )

Thanks for listening; just kind of feeling super panicked this morning.   

[ts919]

uBPDw and I have our final court date in less than a month... . and I'm starting to panic.  I know it's for the best (i'm the one that filed) and it's something I need to do for me and my S7; but I'm still panicking.  She's so good at making me feel guilty.  My s7 was at his mom's all weekend and I did my best to stay out of the house (uBPDw is still living at our home) but it's tough.  Anyone have any good tactics they've used in the past?  I keep reminding myself over and over again why I'm doing this, but it doesn't seem to work.  I think a part of me never thought it would get this far - I figured that filing would scare her into getting the help she so desperately needs.  I've told her that saving our marriage would require a separation, marriage counseling, and individual therapy... . she's known this for months now.  Last week she scheduled a MC apt... . after me begging her to do it for 2 years.  She's still refusing a separation though - says she will never do it.  Even at the expense of getting a divorce (seems strange to me... . she's claimed over and over again that she'll "do anything" to save our marriage... . except actually do anything at all... . )

Thanks for listening; just kind of feeling super panicked this morning.   

[seeking balance]

Hi ts919,

Sorry you are having a tough time - it is normal when we get close to "end" that we wonder, is this really what I want?

You filed for divorce for a reason, right?  Keep focused on that reason.

Divorce as a tactic to get someone to deal with their issues is tricky because it means we must follow through... . as hard as this might be for you to do - her not getting treatment is not a personal attack on you.  It is her mental illness and facing that reality is very difficult - PD's especially tend to exist just to deny themselves.

Breathe - you are not alone and what you feel is absolutely normal.   Do you have a T of your own to help process your feelings?

Peace,

SB

[Lucky Jim]

Hi ts919, Sorry to hear what you are going through.  I have been there, my friend, and understand how hard it is.  Yet I agree with SB: keep your focus on your future, post-divorce.  Life can be a lot more peaceful, I think you will discover.  Concerning guilt, I suggest that your awareness of when your uBPDw is using guilt to manipulate you is the way to defuse its impact.  The F-O-G made me a marionette at times, but once I caught on I didn't let her pull the strings anymore.  You can do the same.  LJ 

[ts919]

Thanks for the responses

I do have a T that I see on a regular basis; it certainly has helped.  I think I'm just having one of "those days" today - it happens on occasion!  I just keep reminding myself as to why I'm doing this; I'm stopping the cycle of verbal and emotional abuse for me and my son.  I think it's just seeing that date on the calendar getting closer and closer; I know it's going to be a super tough day.

LJ - thanks for the advice.  I know it's the FOG - I could feel it this weekend; thankfully I spent most of my time away from her (which certainly helps).