I need to know. . .

[drv3006]

I am usually on the leaving board.    But I need to know . . . For those in a couples relationship, if you didn't have children or were not married, would you stay in this relationship?   Would you put up with the verbal abuse and suicidal and/or homicidal rants.   I finally seen what FOG is.   Is everyone on this board out of the FOG and into acceptance.   I know when it comes to threats of  suicide, threatening my reputation, or my job I am always in FEAR.   Obligation and Guilt is my middle name without a BPD person in my life.   But i can't imagine love being enough.   

If it was my child or sibling then I get it (maybe). 

I don't know.  Sorry to be posting here.  But I just wanted to know if you would stay if you had no ties.   When I try to get away he comes back and its hard to just ignore if he is mentally ill.   I guess I need to know its okay to leave. I don't know.  I see you all on here staying. 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[elemental]

Mine does not threaten suicide. Or attack me. Hardly ever. He gives silent treatment when upset and disappears for days and weeks if really upset. The calmer and more stable I am, the less this happens. Unfortunately there is a lot for me to be upset about. So, yes, acceptance and distraction are helping me stay detached so I am not adding to the problems of our situation.

[Mazda]

Mine does not threaten suicide. Or attack me. Hardly ever. He gives silent treatment when upset and disappears for days and weeks if really upset. The calmer and more stable I am, the less this happens. Unfortunately there is a lot for me to be upset about. So, yes, acceptance and distraction are helping me stay detached so I am not adding to the problems of our situation.

Zencat, I am also normally on the leaving board, but due to my interest in this entire process I check on the other boards too.  I was just wondering, from your post, why you do stay?  I don't mean to judge or sound rude but I am just curious from what you say, you have to work really hard to have peace and it doesn't sound like a happy, fulfilling relationship for you. 

Don't mean to judge, just out of curiosity.

[Mono No Aware]

Difficult question.

Difficult answer: because love.

... .

... .


... .


... .


It's been less than a year since I found out about BPD, which was of course a huge revelation. It's been less than that that I found this forum and all it's revelations of yeah-mine-does-that-too. In that time my thinking has clarified greatly, and I have realized that despite my deeply ingrained Logic-Based way of life I am very much tied by illogical love to a mentally ill person who's symptoms tend to focus on ruining relationships.

You could argue that I'm just staying together for the kids. But Logic would dictate that both would have a better chance of learning to manage their emotions (and not become BPD!) if she was not continually crossing their wires. The 8 yr old is already off-the-charts emotionally, the baby's sleep patterns are terrible. Yes, they really could use a mentally healthy mother.

But I love her. And approximately 40% of the time she loves me back.

I have so much more sympathy, understanding, and commiseration with the classic stereotype of the beaten woman who won't leave an abusive man. My black eyes and bruises are (ahem, usually... . ) on my soul and psyche but I come back for more, still holding out hope and patiently trying to convince her to get professional help.

[Greenmeadow]

Hi drv3006,

This is a really, really good question and one I have thought about over and over again. Reading about everyone elses expereinces of BPD, I know that I have it so much better than most. My husband is never violent, never MIA, never rants and hides his inner turmoil very well. But that isn't to say everything has a golden glow either and that it hasn't put our lives on hold (for now at least) All the things we were going to do when we first got together, the places we were going to see, everything has changed.

I guess my answer has to be love is enough for me. I still married him a year after diagnosis and even still after he was in hospital for 9 days due to SI 3 weeks before our wedding. All those that knew about him, said I shouldn't marry him, even my boss said, are you REALLY sure you want to go through with this, as i think it's a mistake.

Thinking on it though, it's not just love. I know this is not him, that there is a person inside struggling to survive, struggling to cope every day, someone who is amazing, caring, sweet, intelligent and is capable of so much in his life, that If I can do anything to help him become who he should be, then i will do all I can to help. Even if that means I have to sacrifice a little of me along the way x

[Mazda]

Greenmeadow,

How long have you been married?  While it is great that your husband doesn't show the most damaging symptoms, please do take care of yourself.  your needs and happiness is just as important.  Be equal, not codependent, otherwise you may end up in a bad place yourself.

Hugs

[CPWUSAF33]

There is not an easy answer to this question... .

I have stayed with my BPD wife for over 35 years!  I didn't even know BPD existed until this year.  So, this fourm has helped me.  As it turned out, much of the suggestions on loving someone with BPD, I was already doing.  Also, I am a very forgiving person.  So, when my wife goes from abuse back to love, I can easily forgive and move on and enjoy however long that love will last until the next "episode."

We also have two sons (late in our marriage). One just left home a little over a year ago and the other is leaving next month.  The reason I bring this up, is the other part of your question.  Soon, there will be no "ties" of children--we will be "empty nesters."

While there would be less damage if I were to leave after the number two son leaves, I still choose to stay.  With both boys gone, that will be two less triggers to set her off.  She loves them; but, like all BPDs, they are either good or evil depending on her disposition.  I am more patient than my sons--so the triggers will actually be less after they are gone.

For the last 3 years my wife has gone from 50/50 to 70 percent black/30 percent white.  I'm in hopes that after son number two leaves she will return to 50/50--at least I can enjoy half of the life I have remaining and be with her for her remaining years.  I do love her.  And, while this may sound pretentious, she is very lucky to have me.  I don't think the average man could put up with even a fraction of what I have.  That doesn't make me a great person.  As a matter of fact, there is no doubt in my mind, I would be a better person without her.  However, I choose to honor the committment I made to her and God--to love her and give myself up for her.

[waverider]

Not everyone on the Staying Board stays ultimately. To many it is used as a form of therapy to see what can be done to repair the RS, it is a commitment for now, not forever. The option to leave is not removed.

By committing for now allows you to work on yourself and the interaction to at least find clarity. If the time comes to leave then there will be less, whys? and what ifs? The angst will not be the same, odds of recycling will not be the same, as you know the answer to these questions and you know you gave it your best shot.

You will not be coming back here asking why people are choosing to stay, you will know.

The need to then spew vitriol on the Leaving Board will not be as great.

Some of the most knowledgeable members end up leaving and some of the most horrendous cases manage to turn things around. You don't know until you are at least committed to try. this is a lot easier when you are surrounded by others who are thinking more positive approaches, rather than members who are wounded and preaching run messages. which is why run messages are heavily moderated on this board

Call it a "giving it my best shot' board if you like.

[Mono No Aware]

You don't know until you are at least committed to try. this is a lot easier when you are surrounded by others who are thinking more positive approaches, rather than members who are wounded and preaching run messages. which is why run messages are heavily moderated on this board

Thank you for this board waverider.

I actually got an unsolicited PM by a guy who advised me to run. It seems that some of those who have found peace by Leaving & Detaching shudder at the pain and chaos that we endure in our noble (and often doomed) quests for love to win.

[drv3006]

Not everyone on the Staying Board stays ultimately. To many it is used as a form of therapy to see what can be done to repair the RS, it is a commitment for now, not forever. The option to leave is not removed.

By committing for now allows you to work on yourself and the interaction to at least find clarity. If the time comes to leave then there will be less, whys? and what ifs? The angst will not be the same, odds of recycling will not be the same, as you know the answer to these questions and you know you gave it your best shot.

You will not be coming back here asking why people are choosing to stay, you will know.

The need to then spew vitriol on the Leaving Board will not be as great.

Some of the most knowledgeable members end up leaving and some of the most horrendous cases manage to turn things around. You don't know until you are at least committed to try. this is a lot easier when you are surrounded by others who are thinking more positive approaches, rather than members who are wounded and preaching run messages. which is why run messages are heavily moderated on this board

Call it a "giving it my best shot' board if you like.

Thank you for this.  It was very helpful  Personally I feel like I can  be on all the boards  my mind changes daily with this man .    I don't know to stay, leave, try I don't know   I do know it is hard

[kft]

I'm not married to my pwBPD, I don't have kids with him, what's more we are not and have never been in a romantic relationship so I can't even use love as an excuse

I stay for three reasons: 1) pwBPD is not violent, is not verbally abusive, is definitely emotionally abusive but now that I realize what's going on that doesn't affect me so much anymore. I find him exhausting to manage, but I have never felt threatened and I've never had a significant blow up with him (this is partly due to tools developed from past experience explained below)

2) I have a neurological condition called Sensory Processing Disorder. Some of the behavioral patterns of SPD are very similar to BPD, although the things causing them are very different. Basically people with SPD overreact or underreact to physical sensation much the same way people with BPD overreact to emotions. I spend every day of my life pretending to be normal. I have a few hours every day where I can loosen up that control and let my freak flag fly. That's what keeps me sane, but it's also very isolating because when I get triggered my interpersonal skills go to hit.

Right from the very beginning I noticed that I didn't have the same sort of problems with my pwBPD that I have with other people. I find his presence very soothing to my SPD. I don't feel such an intense need to control-control-control. People were constantly remarking on our weird nonverbal communication, how we seem to play off each other effortlessly. I never understood why that was until I started reading about BPD and realized that he was trapped in the same world I was. It's just he is trying to control his reactions to his emotions and I am trying to control my reactions to physical sensations.

The idea that there might be someone in this world I don't have to pretend to be normal around, someone who understands that I can't just "get over" what I'm feeling despite the fact that I know the feeling is out of whack. Someone who is not offended when I need some time and space to self-soothe. It is very comforting

3) My older brother has been committed twice. He's 1000% better now, but still ... . it's difficult bringing people into our family situation. Family is very important to me. My brother is still my brother. I still love him. I'm still protective of him. But people with no experience with mental illness have trouble being compassionate and kind to him. Even though there hasn't been a relapse in five~six years ... . they still inevitably see the illness first, the person second.

pwBPD is capable of seeing past that, because he's been there himself. I like that.