Devastated is not the word

[Murbay]

3 weeks since I saw my BPDgf and 2 weeks since she asked for a bit of space to deal with some issues she is going through following the death of her friend.

I found out tonight she has been in a relationship with someone else for the past week  :'(

Yes, it happens that fast and I'm devastated.

No warning, we had a great Christmas and New Year together, he friend died on the 4th Jan, she asked to be by herself to process what has happened emotionally on the 13th and was into her next relationship on the 18th.

How can someone be that cruel?

[Waifed]

Sorry you are going through this mess.  They can be so heartless.  They do not play by the same rules as you and I. It is impossible for a sane person to comprehend their actions.  I feel for you.  Hang in there. 

[Starlight607]

Sorry you are going through this mess.  They can be so heartless.  They do not play by the same rules as you and I. It is impossible for a sane person to comprehend their actions.  I feel for you.  Hang in there. 

Easily sadly when you are BPD and are only wired in the big lake of me! That is what makes it so painful for us non's because we simply do not operate on that level. I feel for you big time. It's a world beyond belief.

[growing_wings]

ohh Murbay, they ARE cruel. I am going through the same.

i understand your pain. so hard to take, so hard to swallow. i am trying to focus on me, but looking at her recycling old acquintances...

agree... devastated falls short. but we have to keep moving. we WILL get over this.

[let-it-go]

Hi Murbay,

I'm sorry you are going through this.  It hurts to be replaced.  Makes you wonder if they ever really loved you.  She may recycle back to you... . be wise and walk away.  It will never get better. 

I have been married to my soon to be ex hwBPD.  It took him 13 years to get to the cheating point, but once it started, it never stopped.  Over the past 2.5 years, I caught him in relationships with 5 different people and confronted him each time.  He would cry, apologize, tell me I was the greatest thing ever and he never wanted to lose me.  With 3 of those relationships, I would soon discover that he didn't end them... . just changed up the routine to make me think they were over.  How can you look someone in the eye (that you have married, had children and built a life with) and tell them that you love them and will never hurt them again, and then go off to another room to setup a new secret email address so you can continue the fling.  3 times he did this... . and when I would find out again and confront him... . he accused me of being crazy, a snoop that over analyzed everything and had trust issues... . no $hit I have trust issues!  Then he would threaten to kill me.   Anyway, my point is that you shouldn't take being replaced personally (so hard, I can't even do that myself yet) because its not you... . they are the messed up ones.  Everyone will be replaced eventually.  I finally had enough and got out.  Took me long enough to get there... .

[Murbay]

I am so sorry you are going through it too growing_wings  

For the past few weeks, I have been on these boards in the hope of trying to find how I can help her, because I actually felt the pain she was going through losing her best friend and despite health issues of my own right now, my concern was on being there to support her. Now I really feel like a complete idiot.

She blocked me on Facebook (now I know why) but has been texting to tell me how bad she is feeling and how difficult everything is for her right now. The last texts being on the 25th, as soon as I validated her feelings, they stopped.

Now I'm actually feeling bad that I'm angry with her because I know it's the illness but it doesn't stop the feeling of hurt and betrayal. She sent me a text the other day to say she was looking at getting away for a few days on her own, if she could afford it to clear her head. She asked if I wouldn't mind going round to check up on the kids and make sure they are ok. It was her birthday next month and I had even planned on getting her a weekend at a spa because I knew she wouldn't be able to afford going away.

Not only that but I've paid out for a family vacation for me, her and her youngest daughter in May. Her parents and brother are all going and she thought it would be nice for us all to go together. I really don't know what to do about that now. Obviously, it's not happening now but as I've paid for it all, do I still give her the tickets? I'm not thinking about her here, I'm thinking about her daughter, because why should she lose out?

It's the kids I feel sorry for more than anything. I was close to all 3 of them.

There is just so many emotions and feelings going on right now. I think the hardest part to swallow is that she lied about everything and that is something I can't forgive her for. Had she been upfront and honest, it would have hurt but it would have been easier to process.

[growing_wings]

Murbay, we are in the same boat. your story is heart breaking... .

we BOTH deserve better. We DO! you are right, we will get through this.

[Murbay]

Had a couple of her family members contact me tonight to ask if I knew what was going on. They seem just as confused, one said it was a phase she goes through when she loses control, another asked if there was anything I could do because I was apparently the best thing that has happened to her for many years, another said the last they knew, she was crazy about me. So I guess I'm not the only one been caught off guard.

My response to them was "All I wanted for her was to be happy, find peace and find love. If she finds that elsewhere then I'm happy for her and wish her all the best for the future. I'm just really sorry that the love I had to offer was not enough or what she needed. She is one in a million and deserves to find that happiness"

It does concern me the state she is in right now. Can't keep a job, in debt, taking drugs, drinking, threats to end her life, struggling with the loss of her friend. Instead of addressing those issues she chose to jump straight into another relationship.

The difficult part is that she hid that from me so that I wouldn't "hate her", I wasn't painted black either so I have no doubt I was being kept to one side in case things didn't work out or so I could soothe and validate her like I always did. Not sure how she is going to react when she finds out I know and I have gone NC.

[love4meNOTu]

oh no no no no... .

I am so very sorry, I know why this happens but it is so devastating for those of us who really did love our pwBPD.

Murbay, they simply cannot be alone. To be alone is devastation. It is death. They literally feel like they are dying. Most of them can sense that we are pulling away, especially if we have seen behind the mask, and they preemptively strike out, ending the relationship.

It's the way pwBPD have learned how to survive. They can't do it on their own, because they have no sense of self. It's just an empty hole without someone to mirror. It's not love murbay, it's just need.

So very sorry... . we are here for you.

[seeking balance]

I am sorry Murbay, it is hard to be on that ping/pong table of emotions... .

For the past few weeks, I have been on these boards in the hope of trying to find how I can help her, because I actually felt the pain she was going through losing her best friend and despite health issues of my own right now, my concern was on being there to support her. Now I really feel like a complete idiot.

Logically, you were not an idiot - you were kind.

Regarding the facts of the disorder, her best friend dying is likely going to push her abandonment buttons... . when those are pushed, you are going to get the brunt of the maladaptive coping because you are her most intimate person.  This new guy?  He is a band-aid, nothing more and nothing less.

I know this does not take your pain away - I did find the facts of the disorder helped me get my feet under me so that I could find some balance and make choices for my own life based on reality and not wishful thinking.

Peace,

SB

[Murbay]

SB,

Thank you for your words of wisdom. I know they make sense and having been on these boards before, I know you speak the truth.

2nd time around, like I said, she was very different to my exBPDw, different backgrounds and I missed the  at the beginning because of the mirroring. She was the one who told me about her medication, about being diagnosed with BPD and yet I stayed. Part of that was because she had been upfront and that she was desperate for a normal life, that she was making steps towards treatment because she wanted to and not because she was in denial. I saw those as positive steps and supported her choices, despite knowing what I went through with my exBPDw, I stood by her.

Part of that is my own issue. I know it's because I felt I failed my exBPDw. It was at the end of the marriage that I ended up in therapy and my T told me what I was dealing with. As he had started out as her T, he had a very good grasp of the whole picture. By then it was too late to save the marriage. I know that apart from loving my BPDgf and wanting to build a life with her, part of the reason I stayed is because I felt I had failed before and that maybe if I had known about BPD before, I might have been able to make a difference. Although I would never go back to my exBPDw, I felt that perhaps I had been given another chance to make things right and succeed where I failed, I guess what kept me in the relationship was my own ego.

Like I mentioned before, I know she is nowhere near ready for another relationship and that he is a band-aid. I know her own children are fed up with the up and down and I really feel for how it affects them. According to her family, I brought stability into their life for the first time in a very long time. Band-aid or not, it's going to be more lives destroyed and that is what I am finding the most difficult to deal with right now. I may be hurting, that's partly down to ego and pride but the fact that the kids are up in the air once again hurts more than anything, they never asked for this.

3 weeks ago, my ex got caught growing weed in the garage by her landlady. I put myself at risk to help her clear it out, that was a conscious risk that I took and it was on my own head. She almost lost her house but instead of taking ownership, she blamed it all on her son and said she knew nothing about it. She was prepared for her own son to go to jail rather than lose the house. That is why I helped, not for her but for her son.

The kids father was diagnosed with a brain tumour when they were together, she left him because of it. He has just been diagnosed in the past few weeks with MS so they are going through hell right now and she isn't making life any easier for them. Much of what I did for her has been for the kids and it is very sad to see. Her eldest daughter is like the adult of the house, she has a very wise head on her shoulders. Her son, although still a teenager, works hard, has ambition and when she ran off a few years ago, he refused to go with her. They have been through more than any kids should do and I find that very unfair.

[myself]

Murbay, it might not be cruel as much as cold. She turned away, not against you. She isn't facing herself so she can't be real with you. Drinking and being with someone else so quickly masks that but doesn't help her heal. It doesn't make it any easier for you, either, and I'm sorry for what you're going through.

When a person spends their whole life fearing abandonment, what is it like when someone really leaves, or dies? I came to this site to make sense of what was going on in my r/s and be able to do something about it that helped. I'm thankful that I tried, I've learned a lot about myself while doing so, but there wasn't anything I could do for her. She has to do it for herself. That is a very basic lesson I came to understand the hard way. When you get too caught up in someone else, you lose sight of yourself.

The response you posted to her family members echoed some I have written. We don't hate them. We want the best for them. Remember how good you are with her, and be that way with yourself.

[Murbay]

Thank you myself, your comments are greatly appreciated.

I'm dealing with a range of emotions right now and each time I hit anger, I fall back to guilt for feeling angry.

Yes, I think cold is closer than cruel. I was thinking in the context that she couldn't even be truthful with me and even asked if we could just be friends for now as she needed to be on her own to deal with her friends death. I viewed that as cruel because she knew I would have empathy towards her for what she is going through when in truth she used it to mask her replacement.

It's the lies I have found most difficult to deal with and in that context, I do feel really stupid and used right now, even though I know I am also accountable for perhaps not seeing through things sooner.

[GuiltHaunted]

Feeling very sorry for you too... . I know what you are going through is HELL.

My exuBPDgf left me 4 months after her father died. She broke up with me and the next day (literally) I was replaced. I didn't know about borderline at the time, and I suffered for 7-8 months. I think in retrospect extra hard, because of the confusion and mixed signals that followed.

Not until I really immersed in the details of BPD, I have come to understand all that happened and make sense of it (actually rather realize that the is NO sense). That including a deeper understanding of our 4 year relationship and all the things that happened.

I feel your pain intensely, the paradox is that we love someone who are basically incapable of love. I still have feelings for my ex. But I try to think how much better for me, and my future, it would be to find someone without BPD.

[seeking balance]

It's the lies I have found most difficult to deal with and in that context, I do feel really stupid and used right now, even though I know I am also accountable for perhaps not seeing through things sooner.

The lies were hard for me too and I felt stupid too.

The fact is, we trusted and we saw what we wanted, what we needed to see.  There is no shame in that.  Right now, try to be kind to yourself while you process all these emotions.

[Tausk]

3 weeks since I saw my BPDgf and 2 weeks since she asked for a bit of space to deal with some issues she is going through following the death of her friend.

I found out tonight she has been in a relationship with someone else for the past week  :'(

Yes, it happens that fast and I'm devastated.

No warning, we had a great Christmas and New Year together, he friend died on the 4th Jan, she asked to be by herself to process what has happened emotionally on the 13th and was into her next relationship on the 18th.

How can someone be that cruel?

Ouch.  I'm so sorry. It must be so painful.  Mine was with someone else one week after the break up.   The feeling of being discarded like an old pair of shoes nearly broke me.  But I've learned that it was not about me.  It was the disorder at work.  Stay on the board, learn about the disorder, learn about yourself, and I promise it will get better.

But it takes a bit of time and work.  In the meantime, make sure you are safe.  Be careful not to do anything impulsive.

Are you seeing a therapist?

We are here.  We understand.

In support,

T

[GreenMango]

So sorry Murbay.  What you wrote about wishing her the best ... . I commend you on that its a really difficult place to reframe things when you are hurting.  Takes alot to try and hold onto that spirit of generosity especially during the anger.

She sounds like shes real good at self sabotage when the other aspects of her life are in place to support her during times of stress.  Nasty place for those that love her though obviously.

Be real easy on yourself for the next couple of days of ya can.  

[In_n_Out]

My dBPDexgf did pretty much the same thing as yours (and as was done to all of us).  After 3+ years, she began to devalue me and pushed me away.  Suddenly, I stopped hearing from her and then found out that she was already in another relationship.  She came back right around Christmas giving me the sob story of how much she loves me and how she misses x, y and z but that she's "confused" and needs time without contact to sort things out.  Stupid me thought that I could help "fix" her and that was and is the hardest thing to get over.  I'm willing to sacrifice myself to say that I could let her go be with some other guy but just let "me" be the one that helps her to realize that she needs to go back to a T and start the CBT therapy again.  Though she agreed that that's what she needs to do, she won't and didn't.  She's got my replacement sucked in right now and she's going to ride that wave (literally) until that wave washes out and then she'll move along.

Just over the weekend and today especially, I reflected back upon the relationship and I realized how much of "me" I gave up.  I lost my self-identity in her; I stopped working out (where bodybuilding and training was so much a part of my life for so many years).  I cut ties to all of my friends because being with her became a full time caretaker job.  She's poor and can't keep a job.  I was always there to help pay bills, fix things, do things for her at a moments notice.  I'm angry - yes, angry at her and this damn disorder but angry at myself for falling in to the trap and not looking at all of the  and getting out when I could or should of.

My story doesn't help you and the pain that you're going through other than to say I know *exactly* what it is that you are going through and I know how hard of a road it is to get your heart to finally catch up with your mind in saying that it is the best thing to be beyond this chapter in life.  I'm still fighting to get there myself.