Difficult day

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have spent most of the day trying to process my thoughts and feelings. There are moments of intense anger followed by sadness and also embarrassment. The latter being at my own ego thinking it could really make a difference this time around then the logic asking myself why I thought I was so special and different to others.

The more thinking I have done, the more I realised I have been struggling to try and get inside her head. It's the little things that keep bugging me and then I realised I can't have been the primary in the relationship, I was being used. Her FB status was always set to single although she did have me up there for about a month at the start. I'm more concerned with real life so FB statuses don't really bother me.

When things were going badly in her life, that's when she wanted me round or needed me. Yet I was invited to events with close friends and family members (which I now believe was just for show) Just when things were going great is when she would try and end it over something completely random and illogical, to that I would defend my boundaries and things would be resolved. Every time something bad happened, she would constantly tell me that she bet I wished I had never met her and that she just messes up everybody's life.

There had been no intimacy for the past few months. She sat down and explained how it was down to her meds and that she thought she was going through early menopause. I never pressured her and told her I would support her and that we would let things be on her terms. The problem with her meds is that she skips doses and falls into a drinking problem which then counteract the meds.

I then thought of the place I was in my life when I met her. We had an amazing first date and I subconsciously picked up on the difficulties she had in her life and where she had got to. It was the same thing that drew me in with my exBPDw, thinking what wonderful people they were to overcome so much adversity and be as strong as they were. I now see that when a woman says that, what she is really saying is that she has had a horrible life, it's everybody elses fault but now she has reached a bit of a peak so expect to deal with the slide during the relationship.

My final thoughts turned to the replacement. First of all, if she has hidden the fact she was in another relationship the week before, he is in for a shock if he finds out the truth. Secondly, given the emotional, physical and mental state she is in right now going into this, if he accepts it then he can't be that healthy either so either way it's a car crash just waiting to happen. I know her family aren't too happy about what has happened but my concern is that they don't try and talk her back around like they did asking me if I could sort things out with her.

FOO, her father is controlling and her mother does everything she is told. Father controlled the household with tough love and she found herself living on her own at 16. He kicked her out of the house and her mother just stood by and watched. Although they get on now, too much happened years ago and given the conversations we had, she still never forgave them both. She still carries a lot of hurt and anger, especially towards her father.

[Murbay]

I have spent most of the day trying to process my thoughts and feelings. There are moments of intense anger followed by sadness and also embarrassment. The latter being at my own ego thinking it could really make a difference this time around then the logic asking myself why I thought I was so special and different to others.

The more thinking I have done, the more I realised I have been struggling to try and get inside her head. It's the little things that keep bugging me and then I realised I can't have been the primary in the relationship, I was being used. Her FB status was always set to single although she did have me up there for about a month at the start. I'm more concerned with real life so FB statuses don't really bother me.

When things were going badly in her life, that's when she wanted me round or needed me. Yet I was invited to events with close friends and family members (which I now believe was just for show) Just when things were going great is when she would try and end it over something completely random and illogical, to that I would defend my boundaries and things would be resolved. Every time something bad happened, she would constantly tell me that she bet I wished I had never met her and that she just messes up everybody's life.

There had been no intimacy for the past few months. She sat down and explained how it was down to her meds and that she thought she was going through early menopause. I never pressured her and told her I would support her and that we would let things be on her terms. The problem with her meds is that she skips doses and falls into a drinking problem which then counteract the meds.

I then thought of the place I was in my life when I met her. We had an amazing first date and I subconsciously picked up on the difficulties she had in her life and where she had got to. It was the same thing that drew me in with my exBPDw, thinking what wonderful people they were to overcome so much adversity and be as strong as they were. I now see that when a woman says that, what she is really saying is that she has had a horrible life, it's everybody elses fault but now she has reached a bit of a peak so expect to deal with the slide during the relationship.

My final thoughts turned to the replacement. First of all, if she has hidden the fact she was in another relationship the week before, he is in for a shock if he finds out the truth. Secondly, given the emotional, physical and mental state she is in right now going into this, if he accepts it then he can't be that healthy either so either way it's a car crash just waiting to happen. I know her family aren't too happy about what has happened but my concern is that they don't try and talk her back around like they did asking me if I could sort things out with her.

FOO, her father is controlling and her mother does everything she is told. Father controlled the household with tough love and she found herself living on her own at 16. He kicked her out of the house and her mother just stood by and watched. Although they get on now, too much happened years ago and given the conversations we had, she still never forgave them both. She still carries a lot of hurt and anger, especially towards her father.

[DownandOut]

Murbay -

I feel as if you just described my uBPDexgf. You also described me when you said that the embarrassment was a result of "my own ego thinking it could really make a difference this time around then the logic asking myself why I thought I was so special and different to others." One of the things that has been extremely difficult for me is coming to the realization that I am NOT much different than those others. I always felt like she would coming running back to me when she realized that I was the best for her. But why? Who says I am the best for her? I'm sure that all of the exes in her life had good qualities, some more than others, but what made me the best? Realizing that I was just another name in the pile made me feel the worst I've ever felt. It's okay though, because one day I will be the best for someone and I won't have to worry about her trying to find the next best thing. My ex did that. She thought the grass was greener on the other side, but her demon that follows her is the one that kills the grass every time she steps into that new yard.

[Murbay]

That is very true DandD, we are just another name in the pile and that demon will always follow them. What is harder for me to deal with is the effect it has on her kids and how they must be feeling each time this happens.

There was an incident a few weeks ago, just before her friends death that she called me round to "fix" When I got there her eldest daughter was in tears. Partly because it was another destructive scheme and partly because she feared that it would be a tipping point and I would leave. I still have the eldest kids on facebook and the posts her daughter puts up just reflect the sadness she has felt for a very long time. It was her daughter that pleaded with her to find a nice guy, it was her daughter that was punched in the face by the last abusive boyfriend of her mother and we were pretty close.

I know right now they are suffering and very angry too as are the rest of the family but I find it very difficult to take any validation away from that because regardless of whether I was good or bad, the outcome would have always been the same. If anything I feel more guilty because my actions in trying to make things work have hurt more people. Would it have been better for them if I hadn't made the effort? It hurts when you are told you did the best you could, made a positive impact but the end result was always going to be the same.

[NoCRV]

Hi Murbay,

I find myself in the same position at times.  I think I am the best thing for her but really at what cost to myself?

Do I give up my chance at finding true love for a person that is using me for their needs?  I flip flop between saying yes and no to myself.  I think that using the little information I have gained on BPD could help me with the relationship which I was totally unaware of during the relationship but honestly, if neuroscience can't figure out what to do with them, what chance do I have?

My BPDex's family was pushing me to get back together with her because they valued what I brought to the table and how I had a positive presence in her life and their family.  She has recycled her ex since our break up.  The family believes the ex has mental issues, which I have no doubt is true but I am not sure if he had them prior to or has gained them since his many recycles with the BPDex.  Her sister was quite honest with me yesterday.  She told me that her behavior and drinking has gotten worse since our break up.  She told me I could do much better than the BPDex and I should find someone better.  In my time being painted black I hope that I able to fully realize that it is a toxic dance that I want no part of and that I don't want to spend the rest of my life on bpdfamily.

[Murbay]

Other things that spring to mind. It isn't just me, she has done this to friends and family before. After her marriage, she ran away and moved somewhere where nobody could find her. Only her parents and one friend knew where she was and she would often get upset about that nobody came to visit her. She hides her past very well but wanted to know about mine. It made her very uncomfortable that I am friends with my ex (again, because she is the mother of my daughter). She was convinced that me and my ex would get back together, despite the fact our relationship was 12 years ago and we have both moved on in our lives. I have a feeling that's why I wasn't painted black and why she was still in contact, despite having a replacement. I'm sure she thinks I'm an easy target for a recycle if things don't work out. I'm angry that even though she is with my replacement, she had the audacity to text me last week and ask if I wouldn't mind going over to check on the kids because she is looking at going away for a few days on her own to clear her head. That pattern is all too familiar, I took her to Venice last year for my birthday.

Every outburst and accusation she has thrown at me in the past few months, she has done them all herself. There was no arguing with her over any of them and that is because it is her disordered way of thinking. I can clearly see the needs she wanted and how I was playing in to that. I know all she wanted was stability and I had agreed for us to start looking for a house together, something she was really excited about. I also know she would drop hints about marriage, never asking outright but letting me know she was watching bridal shows and also telling me that if she gets married again, she knows the dress she wants and that she will wear her grandmothers ring. In her head she already had that planned but I didn't give in on that one. Me and exBPDw were engaged in 2 months and married in 6 months so I have been there and done that. Not going down that path again that quickly.