A question with a question

[breakfreerut]

My wife was watching movies while I just awoke from a nap...

Me: Do you want to go to the Park?

My Wife (chuckling): Are you happy if I go?

Me(smiling with my wife and thinking what a strange question):  What

has my happiness got to to whether you go or not?  Make your own

decision.

My wife(still chucking but now pulling my arm):  Are you happy if I go

or not?  I want to hear from you.

Me( now a little irate repeats):  It doesn't matter if I'm happy or

sad , if you ant to go ... you go ... if not its fine.  It seems like

you are insecure or something.  Why do you need my approval?  If you

want you can talk about it on Wednesday when we see the counsellor.

My Wife:  Don't waste precious time.  So this is how you interpret it.

Can't you just say what your wife wants to hear?

Now I'm starting to get dressed for cycling.  But does see any sign of

my wife's interest in going as she returned to Movies.

Me(my final departing words):  I see clearly that you're not

interested in going as you are not getting changed.  So I'm leaving.

My wife now sits behind her computer sulking and indifferent,  pulling a

long face.

I thought it very strange that when she asked if I'm happy for her to

go,she was chuckling and giggling and playful.  Then the next moment

... a long sulking face and indifferent.  What a childish behavior.

But I realized that BPDs behaves like that and I cannot get sucked

into it.

... and so I left.

I tell you my chest felt like being compressed by a ton of bricks!

Yet this is what I know the book about Stop walking on eggshells had

suggested I do - validate the BPD's feelings and not to take

responsibilities for her action.  It is like trying to fill the Grand

Canyon with a water pistol.  You cannot fill the void of a BPD.  Only

the BPD can do that for themselves.


Here's another repeated incident just today (that's 4 days apart):

We have an appointment with our counselor tonight.  I asked my wife this morning, "Are you going tonight?"  I knew this was going to be another painful question, but I couldn't waste time as I was heading out for work.  I knew she was going to ask a question like the one before and she sure did!

My wife asks, ":)o you want me to go?"

So I simply said, "Yes".  Knowing that I've just been inconsistent and gave up as I didn't want to go into another struggle.

 I wonder if I was doing right or wrong?

Can someone please advise.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Seneca]

wow! stop telling me my life! the man REFUSES to ask for or say what he wants. you ask a question, he answers with a question. we'll go around and around... . it's like he is totally INCAPABLE of saying whether he would or wouldn't like eggs for breakfast, or would or wouldn't want to go to the park. big things, little things - you name it! the classic response after i badger and badger is always "i don't know WHAT I SHOULD SAY" or "I don't know what YOU want me to say". it's INSANITY! I am not eating the eggs! WTH  would i care about whether you wanted the eggs? they force you to play mind reader, so then if you get it wrong they can blame you for something!

i just started giving him what he asked for. you can't tell me what you want to eat? you get nothing then. 

[123Phoebe]

Hi breakfreerut,

Hmm, there's a lot to what you wrote about... .  

My wife was watching movies while I just awoke from a nap...

Me: Do you want to go to the Park?

My Wife (chuckling): Are you happy if I go?

Me(smiling with my wife and thinking what a strange question):  What

has my happiness got to to whether you go or not?  Make your own

decision.

My wife(still chucking but now pulling my arm):  Are you happy if I go

or not?  I want to hear from you.

Me( now a little irate repeats):  It doesn't matter if I'm happy or

sad , if you ant to go ... you go ... if not its fine.  It seems like

you are insecure or something.  Why do you need my approval?  If you

want you can talk about it on Wednesday when we see the counsellor.

My Wife:  :)on't waste precious time.  So this is how you interpret it.

Can't you just say what your wife wants to hear?

Now I'm starting to get dressed for cycling.  But does see any sign of

my wife's interest in going as she returned to Movies.

Me(my final departing words):  I see clearly that you're not

interested in going as you are not getting changed.  So I'm leaving.

My wife now sits behind her computer sulking and indifferent,  pulling a

long face.

I thought it very strange that when she asked if I'm happy for her to

go,she was chuckling and giggling and playful.  Then the next moment

... a long sulking face and indifferent.  What a childish behavior.

But I realized that BPDs behaves like that and I cannot get sucked

into it.

... and so I left.

It takes a while to be able to see our own part in some of our conflicts.

From what you've described I'm getting the impression that you would've liked your wife to say 'Sure!' or 'Not today' (something definitive) to your question about going to the park.  Instead she answered, 'Are you happy if I go?'

Then that turned into telling her that she seems insecure and needs your approval and to bring it up in counseling.

Which for her, could feel pretty invalidating, and she says as much when asking, "Can't you just say what your wife wants to hear?"

I guess I'm wondering the same thing... .  Unless, you really did feel indifferent about it and didn't care either way whether she went or not?

Our own fear of intimacy can cloud a lot of our interactions.  If you would feel happy spending time with your wife at the park, then say it!   Own your feelings!

It beats--

"I tell you my chest felt like being compressed by a ton of bricks!"

What's that about?  

[guitarguy09]

I can so relate to the answering a question with a question. Like I'll say, we should go out to eat, where would you like to go. Then she might say, I don't know, where do you want to go. Just a lot of indecisiveness. She does like to have constant reassurance that I love her and care about her. I'm guessing more than the usual spouse.

[supernurse]

My dBPDh always, always answers my questions with another question.  Drives me up the wall.  I have come to realize, though, that he does it for different reasons, based on what I'm asking him.  If I am asking if he is engaging in behavior that he shouldn't be, he asks a question (or actually most of the time he simply re-asks what I just asked him to "clarify what I am asking," even when it is 100% clear what I am asking) in an effort to stall to try to come up with an answer that is acceptable and/or not really lying.  Or, if I ask him what he wants to do, where he'd like to eat, what movie he'd like to see, or where he'd like to go on vacation, he justs asks the same question back to me simply to put it on me.  Then, if whatever we do turns out to be a bust, or something bad happens, or it was an awful movie, or we spent too much on the vacation, he can put all the blame back on me.  If I decide, it's my fault when it doesn't go as planned. 

[joethemechanic]

I think she just wanted to be reassured you love her and enjoy her company.

I would have said something like... .

"Of course I want you to go with me, Baby. I love doing things with you."

My BPDgf always needs some reassurance built in the way I ask.

For example, I say.

"I want you to come with me"

Instead of,

":)o you want to come with me?"

A small thing really, but it seems to mean a lot to her.

[breakfreerut]

It takes a while to be able to see our own part in some of our conflicts.

I've already done so in the counselling.  :)on't think she understood as all though as the saga continues!

From what you've described I'm getting the impression that you would've liked your wife to say 'Sure!' or 'Not today' (something definitive) to your question about going to the park.  Instead she answered, 'Are you happy if I go?'

You've just hit the nail dead on the head!  I was expecting a simple "Sure" or "yes".

Which for her, could feel pretty invalidating, and she says as much when asking, "Can't you just say what your wife wants to hear?"

... .

Our own fear of intimacy can cloud a lot of our interactions.  If you would feel happy spending time with your wife at the park, then say it!   Own your feelings!

Seems like you're saying that I should have just say what she wanted - am I correct?

Then what about when I asked her if she was going counselling that morning and she replied, ":)o you want me to go?"

The background to this is that she agreed to go in the first place.  She claimed she wanted to save this marriage.

Up till now it is all just words to me - I'm thinking, "Let's see if she really truly wants it".  My reasoning is if someone wants it really bad they'll say,  "Sure I am going!"  Not challenge the question!

am I interpreting this correctly?

[123Phoebe]

Seems like you're saying that I should have just say what she wanted - am I correct?

Well... .   Kinda but not really   I'm saying that if you own your own feelings, yours, and speak from your heart, it might get you closer to the desired outcome, i.e., time at the park together!   That's if you did want to spend time with your wife at the park? 

People with BPD can be extremely intuitive.  It can sometimes feel manipulative, but let's look at what you're both saying... .

Her-- "Are you happy if I go?"

You-- "What has my happiness got to do whether you go or not?  Make your own decision.  It doesn't matter if I'm happy or sad , if you ant to go ... you go ... if not its fine.  It seems like you are insecure or something.  Why do you need my approval?  If you want you can talk about it on Wednesday when we see the counselor".

What if you had simply answered, "Yes." or "Of course."?  Not necessarily because your wife wants to hear it, but because you mean it.  Unless you don't, which sounds like you do   If you could care less whether she goes or not, then why ask if she wants to go?

It seems like you're both wanting (expecting) the same exact thing from each other! A resounding, YES"!  Though, we're the ones who have to be the emotional leaders, unafraid to blaze that trail.

There is so much more to a relationship than counseling and fixing our partners... .   There's laughter and love to be had!  Plus a closer look at ourselves, at what we might be doing that's impeding the progress... .

[SunflowerFields]

So... . would you have been happy had she gone?

The answer to your dilemma lies in your honesty with yourself to the answer to that question.

If yes - what stopped you from telling her that?

If no (and that's ok too) - what stopped you from telling her that? And why invite her in the first place?

[breakfreerut]

So... . would you have been happy had she gone?

Yes.  When I first asked the question.  Then after her reply, I left I shouldn't have asked.

If yes - what stopped you from telling her that?

... because I have to be mindful that this is one of BPD's trick questions.  And to answer it incorrectly means to continue fueling it.   I seek to help her break out of it not encourage it.

[unicorn2014]

Wow BPD relationships sure are a lot of work. What if you simply refuse to play the game anymore and are just simple and straight ahead?

[breakfreerut]

Wow BPD relationships sure are a lot of work. What if you simply refuse to play the game anymore and are just simple and straight ahead?

Are you taunting me? I don't know what you are trying to imply with your comment.

[unicorn2014]

Wow BPD relationships sure are a lot of work. What if you simply refuse to play the game anymore and are just simple and straight ahead?

Are you taunting me? I don't know what you are trying to imply with your comment.

No, I don't taunt people.