What red flag stuck out the most for you?

[Murbay]

After an evening of dissecting all of the little alarm bells, there was one red flag that really stood out.

Apart from the glaring obvious one where she told me that she had been diagnosed as BPD when she was 18 and would be on medication for the rest of her life, there was one more which kept playing through my mind.

My previous relationships have been long term and there have only been a couple of them. They have ended as amicably as a relationship can end, they just weren't meant to be. Because there are children involved we work together as a team, communicate and get on well. Also a couple of shorter relationships where children aren't involved from school years, we all moved on with our lives but again are in a position that if we see each other on the street we will say hello. The only one any different to this was exBPDw, where I'm still NC and T has advised I keep things that way.

exBPDgf did not like that at all. Her view is that you should not be friends or amicable with any previous relationship and that you should nothing but hate towards them. Where children are involved, it should be court orders and arguments and anything other than that signifies that you are secretly in love with your ex and want them back. That is the only answer. I guess through the eyes of a pwBPD that is true and that is a  right there.

[strikeforce]

The first major one I experienced  was when we had a night out together. When we were sitting down chatting the barmaid walked past and said hello to me, and I said hi back.

She went into a jealous rage and hardly spoke for a week afterwards then blamed the whole fall out on me.

[Perfidy]

The meth pipe was a bit of a red flag. Duh!

[seeking balance]

She told me she was a train wreck and imploded all of her relationships... . but I was special, you know   

[justadudhere]

I haven't posted very much but have been lurking quite a while. The three divorces and one broken engagement (all by her walking away) should have been enough. I was an idiot to believe her "they all cheated, etc etc"

Also when she said she had dealt with the sexual abuse by her older brother on her own and did not need any therapy.  Also the fact she never knew her father... . the attention seeking. The lies, WOW the lies and then saying " I don't know why I lied"

I have been scratching my head thinking What the heck just happened for the last 6-7 years.

[Moonie75]

The number of male friends she had far exceeded anything I'd come across with any other female. (When I arrived here at bpdfamily & read about 'orbiters' it made sense).

In conjunction with the number of males in here life, was the adjoining   of how inappropriate & over familiar conversation with them could be!

[Tausk]

Nothing.  Nothing stuck out.  If any of the zillions of flags had actually stuck out brightly as red, I might have been able to see it and get out before I got lost.  It's not that they weren't there.  It's that in my previous condition, I was not emotionally mature enough, confident enough, or self-honest enough to register them as RED FLAGS, which mean STOP!  

But that was then and this is now.   Since my break up,  I've seen them in people I've dated, worked with, or interacted, and managed to make adjustments.  

Change and recovery is possible for us.  But sadly almost hopelessly impossible for our exes.

[Tausk]

Sorry. Still can't modify. 

But bottomline, the question I try to focus on is not what Red Flag Stuck Out, but rather... .

Why wasn't I able to recognize them and leave, when the Red Flags were flapping in my face at a hundred miles and hour?

[Perfidy]

Amen tausk

[Murbay]

She told me she was a train wreck and imploded all of her relationships... . but I was special, you know  

That was a key one of mine too SB  She didn't say I was special, just that she was cured. That should have been a   too. Meds alone don't really help a pwBPD

Moonie, my exBPDgf had almost 1500 FB friends, most of which were male. She had a very large number of gay friends, in fact she would state that all of her best friends are gay. She also showed me her blocked list, which too was mostly male. Now that I'm on that list I think I know who the rest were  

tausk, that is a perfect sign of improvement on your behalf. When I walked into my BPD marriage, I had been in 2 previous stable relationships that didn't work out. Obviously there were little flags from both of us there but we worked on those little things. I never knew the world of mentally ill until I got married so missed all the red flags too. My belief was that if it was different to a relationship that didn't work out then it must be right. I only learned about   when I found this site   The fact you see them now is progress and recovery for you  

[santa]

There were many. A stalking incident early should have alerted me.

A big red flag I missed that there was going to be violence in the future was that a few months into our relationship, we were at a restaurant and she was giving me a bite of her burrito. I accidentally bit her finger (not hard) when I was taking my bite and she responded by slapping me in the face immediately. It didn't seem like all that big of a deal to me at the time, but I should have paid more attention to it.

Also, her mother hit me in the face the first time I met her, so that should have been a huge red flag. I kind of excused it because I had just put her car in a ditch, but still... .

[Moonie75]

Also, her mother hit me in the face the first time I met her, so that should have been a huge red flag. I kind of excused it because I had just put her car in a ditch, but still... .

My 'laugh out loud' moment of the evening just happened! 

[strikeforce]

Admitting she ended up in a mental hospital after threatening to smother her son was the final red flag that I seen raised before the end.

[Murbay]

Ouch, I hope that was the one that sent you running illuminati, violence is never a good sign but against your own kids, I don't think there is a bigger red flag.

Again santa, violence should be the decider, even if you did total a car in the process. My exBPDw physically attacked me twice, the first time after she had woken our daughter in one of her rages. A 3 hour rage because I had turned left out of the store instead of turning right. Both roads went to the same place. I went to pick up my daughter and she pushed me out of the way, later telling me that I should be proud of her because it proved she is protective.

The second time was during another rage. I had just had a conversation with her 7 year old daughter who told me she was afraid to tell her mother anything because of how she reacts and asked me if I could speak to her because I understood her. I did speak to her and it didn't go down well, she exploded into a rage. I made the mistake of pointing out that was the reason people were afraid to speak to her. She threw hot coffee over me and burned me then tried to smash the cup over my head.

I brought that incident up in a joint session with T. Weirdest thing was that I took responsibility for speaking out of line, she agreed and then told the T that she was the victim and that I needed to be sorted out. If looks could have killed but by then he knew where the issue was in our marriage.

[strikeforce]

Ouch, I hope that was the one that sent you running illuminati, violence is never a good sign but against your own kids, I don't think there is a bigger red flag.

Yep that was the one. When she told me I was frozen, felt really weird.

I wouldn't be surprised if she is back inside as we speak, she was rapidly going downhill again near the end, suicidal, major panic attacks and breakdowns.

I haven't heard from her in 8 weeks, a possible indicator.

[seeking balance]

Murbay,

Since she told you she was BPD - did you read SWOE immediately or do any research to know what you were jumping in to?

Just curious, not saying you should have, I probably wouldn't have since I didn't have a clue PD's existed.

SB

[buddy1226]

My ex told me she starved a rabbit when she was like 8. She starved a pet rabbit to death on purpose. She was a runaway kid and went to reform school when she was 12 She spent time in group homes as well... She had major drug and alcohol problems. She got a DUI/child endangerment 30 days into our dating. She was violent during arguments.

Are these red flags?

Again. Why did I not rub. When she told me about the rabbit thing a voice inside me told me to turn and run. This was a week or two into our dating.

She completely destroyed my life. Still I miss her. I'm clearly nuts.

[Murbay]

I was married to a pwBPD/NPD SB who turned up to therapy hoping for validation that she didn't have a problem. T had a very different opinion and with that, he didn't know what he was talking about, was far too unqualified etc... .

exBPDgf didn't tell me about the BPD immediately, it was only after her first rage and although I suspected some of the flags, I thought it might have been me being too over-cautious. When she did come out and tell me, my first thought was that unlike exBPDw, she was aware of her state of mind, had sought help and that's why I didn't walk. I read SWOE after the divorce and still have it.

For the most part I was able to stick to my boundaries and although I chased, I did so still enforcing my own boundaries. When all the drama started, I empathised with what she was going through, BPD or not it was a lot. Some of it self inflicted some outside of anyones control. However, for the past couple of months, as a result of that I felt the co-dependency slip coming. Sacrificed my own boundaries and turned into rescuer simply because I didn't want her and the kids to suffer. You know how that cycle goes, the more you do, the more is expected and so on.

I probably should have gone back to the book at that point

[seeking balance]

I was married to a pwBPD/NPD SB who turned up to therapy hoping for validation that she didn't have a problem. T had a very different opinion and with that, he didn't know what he was talking about, was far too unqualified etc... .

exBPDgf didn't tell me about the BPD immediately, it was only after her first rage and although I suspected some of the flags, I thought it might have been me being too over-cautious. When she did come out and tell me, my first thought was that unlike exBPDw, she was aware of her state of mind, had sought help and that's why I didn't walk. I read SWOE after the divorce and still have it.

For the most part I was able to stick to my boundaries and although I chased, I did so still enforcing my own boundaries. When all the drama started, I empathised with what she was going through, BPD or not it was a lot. Some of it self inflicted some outside of anyones control. However, for the past couple of months, as a result of that I felt the co-dependency slip coming. Sacrificed my own boundaries and turned into rescuer simply because I didn't want her and the kids to suffer. You know how that cycle goes, the more you do, the more is expected and so on.

I probably should have gone back to the book at that point

ahhh - didn't realize you had 2 different pwBPD in your world... . again no judgement at all, just curious on your own journey with it.

[Murbay]

That's what has hit me a little hard and made me question myself. Spent a good chunk of last year healing, Believed I was in a good place but then opened the door to another. When she told me, my instincts told me to run after the difficulty I had coming through the marriage but ego got in the way a little.

From a personal perspective, the reason I stayed is because I felt angry at myself and that I failed my exBPDw. Stupidly thought that had I known about BPD earlier, the outcome may have been very different, ego and hint of rescuer. I guess I felt that I could make up for my past naivety and mistakes because I didn't know how to play the game. The outcome is nearly always the same.

[CoasterRider]

The attitude he was the victim from all his past relationship they all broke his heart, and that he still lived at home with his parents at 24. Didn't show much responsibility for his own life.

Also he wanted me to hate my ex's and cut everyone from my past out of my life. But he still talked to some of his and that was ok... . Only the first if many double standards that existed ... .

[Moonie75]

Also he wanted me to hate my ex's and cut everyone from my past out of my life. But he still talked to some of his and that was ok... . Only the first if many double standards that existed ... .

Yes I forgot this one. Change 'some' to 'all' of her ex's & that's what I noticed.

Although she doesn't speak to 'all' now! I'll always be missing from that list!

[Madison66]

Wow!  There were so many red flags, including her telling me on our fourth date that she had been sexually molested by a female coach in HS and I was the first person she'd shared that with other than a T.  We also slept together for the first time that night.  Seems like that was the "hook" along with a red flag.

Biggest red flag by far was about a year and four months in at T session.  I expressed issues with her lack of respect and empathy for me on a work day where she was texting me a bunch of emotional blackmail crap.  I said what I really needed was support and understanding (oh boy, that sounds so silly now!).  My ex got the glazed hollow eyes going and the T session went bad from there.  I mean it went really bad and the T was trying her best to get my ex back to an emotionally safe place, but it didn't work.  Towards the end of the session, I left to use the restroom and my ex asked the T for some water.  When the T and I returned, my ex had boogied and proceeded to cut off all communication with me for three or four days.  We ended up getting back together, but only after I had to kiss her ars.  That incident was a HUGE red flag and I should have walked at that point absolutely no questions asked!