Am I the only one that triggered her.?

[State85]

Been wondering lately if I'm the only one that would cause my exgf to rage and get verbally or physically abusive. Will my replacement even trigger her at all?

This bothers me cause it leaves me wondering if I brought out those actions in her and no one else will. I hope I am wrong I guess. Part of me wants my replacement to trigger her causing her to become verbally and physically abusive with him, and do all the things she did to me.

Anyone else?

[Livin4me]

I wonder that often... . How can they be "ok" around everyone else, and we be the only targets of the rage? 

[fromheeltoheal]

Anyone who gets close enough to someone with the disorder will trigger them eventually.  In fact it really helped me once I left her and was doubting myself, wondering what I could have done differently, questioning if I ever really mattered, to realize that the fact I got close enough to trigger her meant I mattered.  Borderlines are experts at putting up facades, and the person they present to the world is so convincing that people have no idea what happens behind closed doors with those they are 'intimate' with, as intimate as a borderline can be.  If the next guy gets close, he will get the same treatment, guaranteed.

[State85]

Anyone who gets close enough to someone with the disorder will trigger them eventually.  In fact it really helped me once I left her and was doubting myself, wondering what I could have done differently, questioning if I ever really mattered, to realize that the fact I got close enough to trigger her meant I mattered.  Borderlines are experts at putting up facades, and the person they present to the world is so convincing that people have no idea what happens behind closed doors with those they are 'intimate' with, as intimate as a borderline can be.  If the next guy gets close, he will get the same treatment, guaranteed.

Well if you mean getting close as "sleeping together" then it's gonna happen I guess. And I guess we never know if others before us were also triggers for them cause why would they tell us... . right... . probably exactly the opposite, meaning mine told me her exes abused her... . not sure if I believe that's the way it went down.

[Moonie75]

Your ex, just like my ex, will ALWAYS end up being triggered by anyone intimate partner she feels close to. The closeness IS the trigger, the fear it will be lost, taken away!

My ex actually told me "Ive never treated anyone as badly as you Moonie! That's because nobody ever got as close as you. You trigger me more than anyone else".

I guess it's almost a compliment? Or would be if it hadn't caused me more crap than anyone else before me!

She will not be triggered at first because the closeness & intimacy takes a time to build. But does build quicker than healthy relationships between non disordered folks. As the closeness builds, so too does the trigger fuel. Eventually the 'fear tank' is full of fuel & the trigger goes off! BOOM!

If she's not triggered by someone it's because the closeness isn't building. That won't satisfy a pwBPD because they crave that love, completion of themselves they've never found. So the pilgrim will move on, looking for the shrine they've never found!

If last guy didn't trigger he won't have lasted long coz 'it' wasn't there. Hello new guy! If this one gets close & triggers they'll be off to the races of BPD hell.

If not triggered by a guy, she doesn't care for him. If she does care, she'll be triggered!

Everyone loses. There are no winners! Mental illness will eat EVERYBODY in its path, mostly the carrier/sufferer.

Just my take on your question.

Moonie

[State85]

Thanks Moonie... . makes sense!

[Perfidy]

State... I had the pleasure to experience the ex's entire family and it was like this. They triggered each others anger and rage was the norm. There weren't no little deals only big deals. I thought to my self as they were yelling and screaming at each other "well, everyone has to come from somewhere". Every word exchange had the f word in it. Every time one of them talk it was f this or f that. There was no love that I could see but they were family. In contrast... . My mother is 89 years old. I have known her all my life. I have not heard her say the f word even once. My father died when I was 16. He was an abusive man. I only heard him use the f word once... .

Don't get to feeling too special. Getting triggered is a way of life for some folks.

[fromheeltoheal]

Well if you mean getting close as "sleeping together" then it's gonna happen I guess. And I guess we never know if others before us were also triggers for them cause why would they tell us... . right... . probably exactly the opposite, meaning mine told me her exes abused her... . not sure if I believe that's the way it went down.

No, I meant emotionally close, someone who is a real attachment within the pathology, someone who makes her whole psychologically; credit yourself with success since you got there.  Mine could meet some guy and be screwing him 15 minutes later, he couldn't trigger her, he was just a momentary soothe device she used to lessen abandonment fears and hate herself a little less.

A borderline needs a scapegoat to live with the pathology, so will always play the victim regarding their exes, evil men who done her wrong.  That probably has little to do with reality, the truth as we know it has been distorted as another maladaptive coping tool.

[emotionaholic]

I have talked to my, used to be our, T about this in depth.  From what I know she has been with my replacement for 6 months now.  We never lasted more than 2 months at a time without a major blow out over a 3 year period.

As I was crying to my T that I did not understand how she could be with someone for that long considering that she works with him and even carpools with him and what was wrong with me that she could not last more than a couple months at a time with me.  The T simply said "It is because she loved you.  The new guy she probably doesn't care about."  It didn't make me feel any better but at the same time brought much more clairity to the disorder.  I know we had something special and that she loved me more than she ever had.  And that is the problem.  I got close.  Too close.  The only thing I am guilty of is giving her an unconditional love she had never had which triggered her fear of abandonment over and over again.  God help the new guy if she actually gets feelings for him.  I assume I will be seeing him here in not to long.

[love4meNOTu]

Well... I think there were three levels of triggering that I saw in my ex husband... .

He had a special place of anger for his ex wife (#2, I'm #3). Anything from her, email, phone call, whatever produced a terribly angry reaction.

His son. That was another trigger that would make him go off the deep end... . way overboard. Teenagers trigger their parents anyway, but my ex's reaction was too much.

Me. I've never seen such hate from a person's eyes ever. Ever. Of all three triggers, I was the biggest one, then his ex wife, and then his son.

Do I think he will do the same to my replacement? Yes, eventually.

L

[Pretty Woman]

Honey,

  Intimacy is the trigger. Whether emotional or physical. My ex had turbulent relationships with ALL her exes. I heard the stories straight from her mouth. Maybe that makes me lucky for actually knowing this... .

I don't know.

All I know is I was a trigger and I am not the only one.

My ex still speaks with several exes. Past is often a predicator of the future with BPD's. I am sure I will hear from her again.

It's not over until you want it to be.

[tango1492]

I've thought about this a lot to. My uBPD ex boyfriend told me that he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone. That we have the strongest connection he's ever had with anyone. Yet he's terrified of the intimacy we have and is triggered by me more than he has been with anyone. He recently dated someone for 3 months. He didn't love her, didn't enjoy the sex, etc. And guess what! He had zero conflict or drama with her. But they had no intimacy. It's so sad because I know he craves the intimacy we had, as do I. Yet, he will always be unstable so long as he's really in love with someone. It hurts me to think I'm a trigger for him. I do know he's had some dramatic relationships in the past. He's in his late 30's and I'm the only woman he's lived with and been a family with (he was helping raise my child from a past relationship.) So I also know he hasn't had something quite this serious with anyone else.

Anyway, I do agree that one of two things will happen with someone with BPD. They will settle down with someone they don't have much deep feelings for just so they can have someone and perhaps be somewhat stable. Or they will seek out love and intimacy and when they find it, they will be too terrified of losing it to be able to maintain the relationship.

[sadinnc98]

Anyone who gets close enough to someone with the disorder will trigger them eventually.  In fact it really helped me once I left her and was doubting myself, wondering what I could have done differently, questioning if I ever really mattered, to realize that the fact I got close enough to trigger her meant I mattered.  Borderlines are experts at putting up facades, and the person they present to the world is so convincing that people have no idea what happens behind closed doors with those they are 'intimate' with, as intimate as a borderline can be.  If the next guy gets close, he will get the same treatment, guaranteed.

^^^I agree with all of this^^^ And people that have met by Ex?BF (not sure what we are) are shocked when they hear the stories based on how he presents himself... . I believe my ex was triggered by people before me and will be triggered by people after me as well.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've thought about this a lot to. My uBPD ex boyfriend told me that he loves me more than he's ever loved anyone. That we have the strongest connection he's ever had with anyone. Yet he's terrified of the intimacy we have and is triggered by me more than he has been with anyone. He recently dated someone for 3 months. He didn't love her, didn't enjoy the sex, etc. And guess what! He had zero conflict or drama with her. But they had no intimacy. It's so sad because I know he craves the intimacy we had, as do I. Yet, he will always be unstable so long as he's really in love with someone. It hurts me to think I'm a trigger for him. I do know he's had some dramatic relationships in the past. He's in his late 30's and I'm the only woman he's lived with and been a family with (he was helping raise my child from a past relationship.) So I also know he hasn't had something quite this serious with anyone else.

Anyway, I do agree that one of two things will happen with someone with BPD. They will settle down with someone they don't have much deep feelings for just so they can have someone and perhaps be somewhat stable. Or they will seek out love and intimacy and when they find it, they will be too terrified of losing it to be able to maintain the relationship.

Yep, that rings true for me.  It's helpful to remember that the reason for all of that is a personality disorder, and there's absolutely nothing we could do or do differently to fix it or change it.  And you're right, folks with the disorder desperately want love, but going there with someone triggers the disorder, so they will never get it in a sustainable way.  Sad.

It's up to us to realize that as soon as we can and get clear of it, the sooner the healthier we are, and go looking elsewhere for what we really want and need, maybe with a few more wrinkles, knowledge and some more maturity.

[Cimbaruns]

If intimacy is the trigger... . then when they cheat on you with someone new ... . and also be in contact with an old ex at the same time what is their purpose?

Is it to soothe with the new and commiserate with the old?

Do they do both of them at the same time in order to make it easier to leave you?

I find this very hard to understand!

[irishmarmot]

I think its Triangulation.  At the end I triggered her every couple of days as opposed to once a week.  Guess she really loved me? But she had a replacement she was working on and probably didn't want to go off on him.  Just speculation on my part.  And the cycle continues. ... . good to be off the roller coaster.

[Murbay]

Intimacy is most definitely the trigger and it is perhaps one of the most painful things we can experience.

My exBPDgf triggered because I did things her previous exes never did. She said I was the most selfless person she had ever met but quite frankly, I never did anything that someone wouldn't in a healthy relationship.

The key was in what her friends and family were saying about her. It was the first time they had ever seen her so happy, that I had made a huge impact in her life and her kids loved me too. In a healthy relationship, that is what most people would really like.

The first trigger came just after I took her away for the weekend. It was my birthday, friends wanted to throw a party but I just wanted to spend that time with her so I took her away. I noticed the pattern came after each time I did something special for her and the final step just days before she ended things was when I stepped in to clean up a mess that could have landed her in jail without any thought to what could have happened to me.

The final text I got from her, she said how she causes pain and suffering to anyone who gets too close to her so needed to be on her own for a short while. She talked about not being able to control her thoughts and was sleeping more and more as that seemed to stop the negativity. She begged me not to hate her and then 2 days later changed her r/s status on FB to in a relationship with someone else.

I know sex triggered her and for the last couple of months, there wasn't any. She did talk to me about it and I said I wanted her to be comfortable so that could be when she was ready. I guess she figured if that stopped then maybe the negative thoughts she had going around in her head might die down. I guess they did for a couple of months but ultimately it was the unconditional love that she had never had which killed everything.

Cimbaruns, they cheat because they cannot be alone but in the same respects, they can't be with anyone either as when they start to feel too close, they get afraid that person will leave so seek out someone else to who they have no attachment to. Unfortunately that attachment starts to build and the cycle repeats. As for leaving, they don't tend to leave unless they have a replacement lined up because to leave they would be alone and that is something they cannot handle.

[fromheeltoheal]

If intimacy is the trigger... . then when they cheat on you with someone new ... . and also be in contact with an old ex at the same time what is their purpose?

Is it to soothe with the new and commiserate with the old?

Do they do both of them at the same time in order to make it easier to leave you?

I find this very hard to understand!

The core of the disorder is a fear of abandonment and the need to attach to people to appease that fear.  Problem is, when a sufferer gets too close to someone they feel engulfed, lose themselves, so they push people away, which ends up leaving them feeling abandoned again, the push/pull dance.  It doesn't make rational sense until you accept that a borderline does not have a fully formed self, think of it like half a person who needs another person to complete them, in a very unhealthy fusing of psyches kind of way, not a 'you complete me' romantic way, and the drive is subconscious.

And that fear of abandonment leaves a sufferer convinced you will leave, because everyone leaves, not in reality maybe, but in the replaying of the original trauma in their head.  So since you're going to leave anyway, anything you might do or the sufferer thinks you might do that indicates you're leaving will cause them to look for a new attachment, or revitalize an old one, purely to soothe that fear of abandonment.

There is no winning for anyone involved, and it has absolutely nothing to do with us; there's nothing we could do or no one we could be that would produce a different result.  The disorder will play out according to the hardwired programming in the sufferer's head.

[Cimbaruns]

H to h

There isn't any winning here and you're right... . No rational sense!

I guess the key is emotional DETATCHMENT... . I repeatedly beat myself up with trying to understand her... . and ask myself why why why

Tincture of time and lots of tears... . but I just can't keep playing it out in my head over an over... . it's more time I've given over to her... .

So awful :'(

Everyone here is so very helpful.  Thank you

[fromheeltoheal]

H to h

There isn't any winning here and you're right... . No rational sense!

I guess the key is emotional DETATCHMENT... . I repeatedly beat myself up with trying to understand her... . and ask myself why why why

Tincture of time and lots of tears... . but I just can't keep playing it out in my head over an over... . it's more time I've given over to her... .

So awful :'(

Everyone here is so very helpful.  Thank you

Hi Cimbaruns-

I see you've been here for about a year and a half; don't know if you broke up after that or when, but that's a pretty good stretch.  Have you sought professional help?

Ruminating is something we all do, healthy in a way as we process, but unhealthy if we get stuck.  Have you read the article Surviving a Break-Up on this site?  If not, there may be some value for you there.  Yes, detachment is the goal; if you were detached, what would that look like?