BPD Wife and Male to Female Transexual Husband = Complicated

[Depression = 72% of members]

My fiancee has BPD yet is high functioning, has spent years in therapy and no longer rages. She still rapidly disassociates in an instant when she feels threatened or abandoned. On top of that I'm a male to female transsexual. I have recently been approved for hormone replacement therapy but I haven't started on them yet. I tried to transition once before I met my fiancee but I gave up and returned to guy mode before making any permanent changes. When we met I was fully male in presentation, however I told her about my past very early on and that I wasn't even quite sure why my desire to transition went away. She told me that if it ever came back that she would support me to transition. We also both agreed before having a kid together that since we had already been single parents in our lives that we don't want to raise our child that way if we have one.

Fast forward a couple of years and she got pregnant on purpose and my gender dysphoria hits me hard again out of nowhere 8 months into the pregnancy. Since she can read me like a book I decided to not keep it a secret and I let her know about it immediately. She does not support my transition.  She took it hard and it’s been up and down ever since. We have started couples therapy with someone who interestingly enough has experience with both transsexuals and patients with BPD. So far therapy has had very limited success, but it’s too early to tell for sure.

So here is where this all gets complicated for me. She claims and clings to the statement that she won’t find me attractive as a woman that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a woman. I can respect that but given her history I’m finding it hard to believe.  She left her ex husband for a woman. She has had sex with other women in her life as well. She has been to swinging parties. She has been an escort. She has had sex and a serious relationship with her half brother. She has even has sex with a dog. Add that on top of her promise to support me and raise our child together in the beginning of our relationship and I’m feeling very cheated and lied to. But she claims that all that crazy sex stuff was just the BPD talking, and I do believe her but I’m still left with doubts that there wasn’t a part of her that did like and want to do some of the things that she did.

The more I move forward the more she wants to run away. I know I’m aggravating all of her abandonment issues with each step I take no matter how minor. For example just shaving my face will cause her to go cold, claim she is no longer attracted to me and not let me touch her at all. If I let it start to grow back out again she will be fine. If I shave it again then we repeat. I love her a lot. She is my best friend and lover in one. When she pulls way it is so painful for me. Right now as I write this she has locked herself up in the bedroom and claims she is making plans to move out. I’m broken hearted. The prognosis is poor if I try to repress my gender issues. The only thing I’ve heard is that it keeps coming back and it gets stronger every time and more depressing every time. I can say that my experience thus far can attest to this pattern. So I’m left with facing the fact that I’m a transsexual which is hard enough in itself, and that I’m going to lose my best friend, lover, mother to a beautiful daughter and the opportunity to watch her grow up. I’m left wondering why bother living anymore?

[TheBrokenReplay]

My fiancee has BPD yet is high functioning, has spent years in therapy and no longer rages. She still rapidly disassociates in an instant when she feels threatened or abandoned. On top of that I'm a male to female transsexual. I have recently been approved for hormone replacement therapy but I haven't started on them yet. I tried to transition once before I met my fiancee but I gave up and returned to guy mode before making any permanent changes. When we met I was fully male in presentation, however I told her about my past very early on and that I wasn't even quite sure why my desire to transition went away. She told me that if it ever came back that she would support me to transition. We also both agreed before having a kid together that since we had already been single parents in our lives that we don't want to raise our child that way if we have one.

Fast forward a couple of years and she got pregnant on purpose and my gender dysphoria hits me hard again out of nowhere 8 months into the pregnancy. Since she can read me like a book I decided to not keep it a secret and I let her know about it immediately. She does not support my transition.  She took it hard and it’s been up and down ever since. We have started couples therapy with someone who interestingly enough has experience with both transsexuals and patients with BPD. So far therapy has had very limited success, but it’s too early to tell for sure.

So here is where this all gets complicated for me. She claims and clings to the statement that she won’t find me attractive as a woman that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with a woman. I can respect that but given her history I’m finding it hard to believe.  She left her ex husband for a woman. She has had sex with other women in her life as well. She has been to swinging parties. She has been an escort. She has had sex and a serious relationship with her half brother. She has even has sex with a dog. Add that on top of her promise to support me and raise our child together in the beginning of our relationship and I’m feeling very cheated and lied to. But she claims that all that crazy sex stuff was just the BPD talking, and I do believe her but I’m still left with doubts that there wasn’t a part of her that did like and want to do some of the things that she did.

The more I move forward the more she wants to run away. I know I’m aggravating all of her abandonment issues with each step I take no matter how minor. For example just shaving my face will cause her to go cold, claim she is no longer attracted to me and not let me touch her at all. If I let it start to grow back out again she will be fine. If I shave it again then we repeat. I love her a lot. She is my best friend and lover in one. When she pulls way it is so painful for me. Right now as I write this she has locked herself up in the bedroom and claims she is making plans to move out. I’m broken hearted. The prognosis is poor if I try to repress my gender issues. The only thing I’ve heard is that it keeps coming back and it gets stronger every time and more depressing every time. I can say that my experience thus far can attest to this pattern. So I’m left with facing the fact that I’m a transsexual which is hard enough in itself, and that I’m going to lose my best friend, lover, mother to a beautiful daughter and the opportunity to watch her grow up. I’m left wondering why bother living anymore?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ATLandon]

Hi There TheBrokenReplay!  I'm really glad that you found bpdfamily and let me say that this really is a great place to find community as well as answers for the hard questions and obstacles you face with pwBPD. I really related to so many of the issues you touched on since I am an FtM and my wife (cisgender) has uBPD. Transitioning in and of itself is overwhelming and a beast of its own without adding other people's personal issues into it.

My wife was accepting of the fact that I identified as trans* when I first met her and also said she was supportive, but when it came down to the time for me to begin medical transition she did everything in her power to stop me. I think a lot of her fears were based in her abandonment issues; i.e., she truly believed that I would become someone completely different from what she knew, and therefore the "original me" would completely be lost. It took a lot of couples therapy and boundary enforcing on my end to work though these issues. Baby steps in regard to physical transition and giant leaps of faith to hold true to my authentic path is what got me through.

We made it through a year and a half now with me on testosterone and she acts as though she has always supported me. Yet, she constantly browbeats me about shaving my face and harasses me to get rid of my new body hair. She refuses to kiss me most days if I have the slightest bit of scruff on my face. However, she always said before my transition that she would NOT find me attractive after testosterone. If anything, she's more attracted to me now than ever. I'll never understand her disorder.

I can tell you only from personal experience that when pushed my needs to transition/express my gender identity more openly the worst I felt over time. It got to the point where I was losing touch with sanity and constantly thinking about throwing myself off of one of the skyscrapers in Atlanta. The longer I suppressed it, the darker my life became. I don't wish that state of being upon anyone. Once I came to the realization that it was either suicide or transition I didn't wait for anyone else's approval or opinions. I did what I had to do to survive, plain and simple. There is a whole other life waiting for you to live. It ain't always pretty and it certainly isn't the easiest path, but it is an authentic and satisfying way of life for many.

Honestly, I truly am sorry that you're going through all of these issues together. It sucks and its okay to admit that. Be gentle with yourself and please feel free to reach out to me if you'd like to talk.

[TheBrokenReplay]

Thanks for the advice. She is planning to leave me now. She's looking into subsidized apartments. She has de-friended me on Facebook. I'm very sad. I feel so alone. I don't have a social network of friends. I've never been able to make friends ever since puberty started for me. Now I'm a depressed transsexual single parent. My job keeps me in a cube where I get to talk to nobody, then I go home and take care of children all by myself. I have my own issues here that I'm struggling to deal with I just don't know what to do. Tomorrow I have blood work for my first Endo appointment. The excitement I should be feeling for that is wrought with grief instead.

[TheBrokenReplay]

Also, I'm wondering if it would be better to stop going back and forth in my presentation. In other words since shaving my beard seems to trigger her, perhaps I should start keeping it shaved daily instead of going a week without shaving it. Going back and forth may be causing lots of up and downs for her which is bad for someone with BPD. I'm just worried that if I keep it shaved that she will never warm back up to me again.

[Steph]

 Being in a relationship when one person is in the midst of transition is crazymaking for the non transitioning partner. There is a sense of being on an out of control roller coaster, sense of losing the person you love and tons and tons of uncertainly, what ifs and not sure a person can handle it. Add to that, there is little to no support out there to the partner.

  Add Bpd and its almost impossible... but I have to say that, in my experence, what you describe sounds more typical than not. I am close to this situation myself and know of several others, and its pretty hard to be where your partner is.

  And where you are, as well.

  I think your transition has to be your choice and your priority. A partner can have some input, but it cannot be at their call or pace. It is NOT a partners place to direct the others decisions and its truly unfair to put a partner in that place.

  I also think its very, very wrong that there is SO little support out there for people who wish to remain in a relationship with someone in transition. I hope that can change soon.

  You might lose her. You might not. She may think she cant handle it, but at the bottom of that is huge fears of losing the man she loves. Ambivalent grieving is very hard... meaning she is losing the man she loves, but not the person... its really complex.

  I wish I could offer more than this... . online has some support. I know you are going thru alot, as well.

I am glad there is a therapist familiar with both. And if she would consider DBT, I KNOW it would help her in her parts of the transition, as well.

  Stay in touch!

   Steph

[Steph]

Also, I'm wondering if it would be better to stop going back and forth in my presentation. In other words since shaving my beard seems to trigger her, perhaps I should start keeping it shaved daily instead of going a week without shaving it. Going back and forth may be causing lots of up and downs for her which is bad for someone with BPD. I'm just worried that if I keep it shaved that she will never warm back up to me again.

  Being in the middle is hard for both of you. Where do YOU want to be?

[TheBrokenReplay]

I wanted to transition yesterday She has made it clear that she can't handle it. So it looks like we are going to seperate. I don't think I can handle being a single parent yet again in my life. I'm beyond sad and have lost faith in life.

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, it is complicated. I wish I had some easy answers for you.

All I know about transgender is from the outside... . but I'm pretty sure that it is your realization of who you are.

I do know that letting a pwBPD tell you who you are (or aren't) and believing them doesn't work for you, and not much better for them, even!

Many pwBPD will change their mind on issues like whether to stay in or end a r/s, so it may not be as over as it sounds today.

Good luck... . and stick around here and keep posting--Whether she stays or leaves, there is a place to support you here.

 GK

[Steph]

Yeah, it is complicated. I wish I had some easy answers for you.

All I know about transgender is from the outside... . but I'm pretty sure that it is your realization of who you are.

I do know that letting a pwBPD tell you who you are (or aren't) and believing them doesn't work for you, and not much better for them, even!

Many pwBPD will change their mind on issues like whether to stay in or end a r/s, so it may not be as over as it sounds today.

Good luck... . and stick around here and keep posting--Whether she stays or leaves, there is a place to support you here.

 GK

  I dont think ANY partner wants their spouse to transition... seriously. Its hard, its sad, its alot out of control, there is MUCH uncertaintly and there are so many reasons why its so very hard. Even so, I dont see why you need to separate at this point in time.

  Things change while transitioning. You become happier and healthier. Your hormones match your brain... your life starts to make sense. She can hold her breath until she turns blue, but your tranistion is your transition.

  Its hard to be watching the person you love go away... yet, its also watching the person you love being born.

   Are you in therapy? That will help. It doesnt happen quickly or easily. There are no decisions that have to be made right now. Her not wanting this to happen does not mean you have to separate. You can transition whether or not she wants you to. If she chooses to leave, then you see a lawyer and protect yourself and your child.

Its a long and hard road, but if you are transexual,  your life is about to become happy and whole. Take your time with the marriage. She is frightened and she hasnt the skills to handle it at this point, nor does she have the support. Running away does release that pain. Staying still, however, brings its own joys and blessings.

[Greenmeadow]

I am sorry you're going through all this.

I can only give advice from the outside of know a few female to male transgenders. And this I know for certain. If someone loves you, they love the person on the inside, not the outside. No matter what gender you are, you are ultimnately the same person

Second, having transitioned the FTM's that I know, now feel more fluid about their gender. They have had surgery are on hormones etc, but feel they are just themselves and although choose to be male on the outside they no longer dismiss their birth gender. Maybe this has taken a while to get to, but hopefully the not having to be "black and white" about it helps.

Society makes us pick sides from birth, blue for a boy, pink for a girl etc... . But I think the more gender neutral society we live in the better it is for everyone, let us all just be... .

I say be you, whoever that is, just be you