Just got this message..

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

ok to be clear... . its ok to message me, ask me something, communicate... . I just dont want to argue that subject anymore.  I love you dearly and care deeply for you ... . I am still your friend. Just not what you need in your life.


What do I say now?

[sadinnc98]

ok to be clear... . its ok to message me, ask me something, communicate... . I just dont want to argue that subject anymore.  I love you dearly and care deeply for you ... . I am still your friend. Just not what you need in your life.


What do I say now?

[seeking balance]

ok to be clear... . its ok to message me, ask me something, communicate... . I just dont want to argue that subject anymore.  I love you dearly and care deeply for you ... . I am still your friend. Just not what you need in your life.

What do I say now?

Standard procedure communication tools apply here:  SET

Validate the emotion, don't validate anything not true and be kind.

A simple Thank you could do it.

[Skip]

The Leaving Board is not the best lace for relationship coaching.  This is more about intervention and detaching.  Staying is a lace to look at how to respond in a constructive way.

Are you trying to sort this out or walk from it?  That has a lot to do with how to respond.  

This is a note from someone who is flooded.  They need emotional space to regroup.

[sadinnc98]

I am ready to walk from it but I am having a really terrible time.

[Skip]

What are you struggling with, mostly.  Guilt?  Fear?

[seeking balance]

I am ready to walk from it but I am having a really terrible time.

So... . it is ok to message you (your boundary) and he did.

Is your terrible time due to the message or the general breakup?

[seeking balance]

cross posted with Skip - sorry... . you're on Skip  

[sadinnc98]

It is due to the breakup-if you read my last post, it explains how confusing the end of this was. And I dont understand why he wants to "be friends" with me? How? I feel guilty by saying no, but I can't. I cannot be friends with him.

[sadinnc98]

To clarify, he sent me the message.

[sadinnc98]

Can I explain to him that at this time I don't think I can communicate and be his friend? I am deeply hurt and wounded from this breakup and I don't want to communicate with him. Not being mean, but I cant see him as friend right now as it is too painful. Does that make sense?

[Skip]

Maybe you are flooded, too.

A simple answer is that I really appreciate this and I will respect it.  Thanks.

This is a healing response.  No doors are opened.  None are closed.  No emotions are flamed.  No abandonment fear is triggered on either side. No one feels controlled, punished, etc.

If you both are peacefully apart, the flooding will start to clear and this will be easier to sort out for each of you (independently).

I guess its "buying time and space" and a chance to get to a more emotionally stable place.

And the easiest way to break away from a BPD relationship is to "slip out the back, Jack" as Paul Simon said 100 years ago    Actually, Joseph Carver, PhD suggests this here: https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles10.htm

So I agree with Seeking Balance's idea of validation - is a reasonable option to consider.

[Yoyoing]

I would just say I appreciate your message but we both need our space right now.

[Moonie75]

Can I explain to him that at this time I don't think I can communicate and be his friend? I am deeply hurt and wounded from this breakup and I don't want to communicate with him. Not being mean, but I cant see him as friend right now as it is too painful. Does that make sense?

Sad, darlin,

I'm sad to read how this is upsetting you.

I think sometimes we forget that when their emotions are running high, like when they reach out, they are not on the same page as us! Not even in the same book!

We hope, guess, expect that what we think sounds reasonable, will be received by them as we intended. Post break up, my experience is that this is very unlikely.

Moonie x

[sadinnc98]

Thanks everyone... . I responded simply as Skip advised.  He then followed up asking me a question on how my business was doing and I did not respond.

[seeking balance]

Thanks everyone... . I responded simply as Skip advised.  He then followed up asking me a question on how my business was doing and I did not respond.

So, what are your boundaries right now - honestly, what is it that YOU need to heal?

[Pretty Woman]

Sad,

  Good job. Now just ignore. NC. It does wonders.

[sadinnc98]

Thanks everyone... . I responded simply as Skip advised.  He then followed up asking me a question on how my business was doing and I did not respond.

So, what are your boundaries right now - honestly, what is it that YOU need to heal?

I need to be alone and no contact... .

[seeking balance]

Thanks everyone... . I responded simply as Skip advised.  He then followed up asking me a question on how my business was doing and I did not respond.

So, what are your boundaries right now - honestly, what is it that YOU need to heal?

I need to be alone and no contact... .

ok, so in the opening post you said it is ok for him to contact you and you didn't want to argue that... . what is "that" exactly?

[sadinnc98]

Thanks everyone... . I responded simply as Skip advised.  He then followed up asking me a question on how my business was doing and I did not respond.

So, what are your boundaries right now - honestly, what is it that YOU need to heal?

I need to be alone and no contact... .

ok, so in the opening post you said it is ok for him to contact you and you didn't want to argue that... . what is "that" exactly?

That post was the message he sent to me this morning... I should have clarified that.

[growing_wings]

Validate the emotion, don't validate anything not true and be kind.

A simple Thank you could do it.

that is exactly what i do. i thank her when she says something nice (but normally a nasty text follows, which i ignore)

[Skip]

Maybe think about CC (controlled contact).  Here is the advantage over NC.

People with BPD traits will react strongly to abandonment or loss of control.  If you are struggling to break free, triggering a reaction of either side tends to connect you (not free you).  Being  an emotional possum is a good detaching strategy.

NC is most needed, if the other party won't let go after a while or is harassing you or if each communication makes you an emotional wreck.

So, there is not much you can say about your business in a text - responding in an hour from now (or two) with a basic response like - "last week was a good week - thanks for asking" is good CC.  If he responds to that without a question, let the conversation die.  If he asks a question, wait till tomorrow to respond.

All of this defuses emotion on both sides.

It is easier to detach in a defused state than an emotionally charged one.

Just another option to consider.  We all have to find what fits for us.

[seeking balance]

That post was the message he sent to me this morning... I should have clarified that.

I should have asked clarification - I thought you were saying that... . some folks detach with limited contact and I thought you might be in that camp.

So, if you respond at all to him, keep it simple - boring is good, no clarifications, nothing emotional and nothing that a follow-up question can allow.

If you don't respond - expect a few more texts and a bit of a meltdown; however, if this happens and you give in - you will be showing him with enough persistence you will cave... . making it even harder to go NC if that is your goal.

There is no right or wrong and only you know where you are emotionally.

Have you mentioned needing a break before?

[growing_wings]

Can I explain to him that at this time I don't think I can communicate and be his friend? I am deeply hurt and wounded from this breakup and I don't want to communicate with him. Not being mean, but I cant see him as friend right now as it is too painful. Does that make sense?

i told mine i needed to heal. i told her something very similar to your words above. she thanked me and the attempts to contact me reduced considerably.

i didnt want to hurt her ... so i tried to be kind.

[sadinnc98]

Thank you guys... . I don't know what I would do without you all. I love the advice for the controlled contact... its a softer step for me and I tried it.

[sadinnc98]

I just got this: "Good morning Luv I miss you"

What do i do? What does it mean?

[ShakinMyHead]

Sad, it seems to me that the first text was a fishing text. He said "I'm not what you need in your life right now." They love to say those things so we respond with, "No, I loved you, blah blah blah" then they can come back with all the ways they are going to change….A healthy person who hurts someone else, is actually afraid of their own impulses, and will do the work before asking for more chances. BPDS SET IT UP SO WE ARE BEGGING THEM BACK ON AN EMPTY PROMISE. If I were you I wouldn't respond. He's not dealing with the issues, or your feelings. Just how he feels and what he wants. Try to see through the sugar coated words to the inaction.  I'm sorry you are going through this… SMH

[seeking balance]

I just got this: "Good morning Luv I miss you"

What do i do? What does it mean?

It means exactly what he said -in that moment he misses you.

There really is not a question to respond to, so if you can - I would let it go.

[sadinnc98]

OK thanks! I kinda figured that is what this was. 

[seeking balance]

OK thanks! I kinda figured that is what this was. 

What emotion do you feel?

[winston72]

Been following this thread... . Sad, your story has grabbed me... . you seem to be a delightful person who is in the midst of a traumatic and emotionally abusive relationship... . and catching up on it today I read his text from this morning.  I must say, I laughed out loud!  You cannot invent this stuff!

Now, mind you, I have been on this site for many months and have been suffering from a very difficult (how is that for a sanitary adjective!) relationship, so I am not new to all of this... . but with a bit of distance, some of these interactions look just so... . well, if you tried to invent a way to torture an emotionally stable person, this would be a good script to do it.  Really, after what has just happened with him, and has been happening, to get this text?

The inconsistencies between behaviors and words is... . disordered!

Sad... . my heart goes out to you.  You seem to be sorting this out quite well and deciphering your own feelings and best course of action while in the midst of a lot of emotional turmoil and pain.  Thank you for sharing your story with such candor.  It is helpful to me and to many... .