Day 60 of NC... Super Depressed Today... Hurtin...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ugh.  NOTHING is going right this week. 

So... . I've been dating a few gals... . not committing to anyone... . not saying the big "I love you"s to anyone.  I've been honest with these women.  I'm not ready for a long term commitment.  I am dating around.  I let them know this... .

Long story short... . one of the gals I was seeing got ticked off and left my life completely, another is turning out to be super flaky, and I found out another is pretty much a drama queen from a few mutual friends. 

It's disheartening.  Me and the ex BPD split about 6 months ago and she met a new guy immediately and moved in.  I've been dating around, seeing a therapist, working out, etc.  Sounds great on paper. 

I'm not good at being alone.  I'm not.  I have serious abandonment issues after my family was almost wiped out 8 years ago and was raised by a VERY narcissistic alcoholic father.  Codependent to the core.  I have good days and bad days... . but to be honest I think the good days are when I'm in some kind of relationship... . so I put up with a lot of negative stuff... . way more than I should. 

She was an alcoholic as well.  Rages.  Irresponsibility.  Tantrums.  Entitlement.  The weird part is the more time goes by with NC the harder time I have remembering the bad.  I know all this stuff will resurface in her current relationship.  Its just a matter of when. 

But for now I'm having a hard time holding on.  Honestly I don't have many people to talk to.  The gal who got ticked off and walled me out of her life was one I spoke to the most.  It wasn't going to work long term.  She's 46.  I'm 38.  I want a kid and she's already had hers.  But it was nice.  It was nice to be able to hold someone... . and I pretty much destroyed it... . because I wanted to find something that would work in the long run... . and give me a kid. 

Kind of up against the wall here.  Have a scrip of Wellbutrin at home and I'm seriously considering giving it a shot.  Anyone have any experience with anti-depressants in the wake of what we've gone through?  My coping strategies are seriously being stretched to their limits. 

God.  I'd almost take her back right now if she reached out... .

[Johnny Alias]

Ugh.  NOTHING is going right this week. 

So... . I've been dating a few gals... . not committing to anyone... . not saying the big "I love you"s to anyone.  I've been honest with these women.  I'm not ready for a long term commitment.  I am dating around.  I let them know this... .

Long story short... . one of the gals I was seeing got ticked off and left my life completely, another is turning out to be super flaky, and I found out another is pretty much a drama queen from a few mutual friends. 

It's disheartening.  Me and the ex BPD split about 6 months ago and she met a new guy immediately and moved in.  I've been dating around, seeing a therapist, working out, etc.  Sounds great on paper. 

I'm not good at being alone.  I'm not.  I have serious abandonment issues after my family was almost wiped out 8 years ago and was raised by a VERY narcissistic alcoholic father.  Codependent to the core.  I have good days and bad days... . but to be honest I think the good days are when I'm in some kind of relationship... . so I put up with a lot of negative stuff... . way more than I should. 

She was an alcoholic as well.  Rages.  Irresponsibility.  Tantrums.  Entitlement.  The weird part is the more time goes by with NC the harder time I have remembering the bad.  I know all this stuff will resurface in her current relationship.  Its just a matter of when. 

But for now I'm having a hard time holding on.  Honestly I don't have many people to talk to.  The gal who got ticked off and walled me out of her life was one I spoke to the most.  It wasn't going to work long term.  She's 46.  I'm 38.  I want a kid and she's already had hers.  But it was nice.  It was nice to be able to hold someone... . and I pretty much destroyed it... . because I wanted to find something that would work in the long run... . and give me a kid. 

Kind of up against the wall here.  Have a scrip of Wellbutrin at home and I'm seriously considering giving it a shot.  Anyone have any experience with anti-depressants in the wake of what we've gone through?  My coping strategies are seriously being stretched to their limits. 

God.  I'd almost take her back right now if she reached out... .

[seeking balance]

What a brave post Johnny!

I'm not good at being alone.  I'm not.  

Yeah, I wan't either... . so, I decided to give myself a year of being single before dating.  To be honest, it was good for me, but I didn't really reach that core stuff during that time - I think probably because I was controlling it... . if I did everything right on paper, certainly I would be ok.

So, I started casually dating at about a year - and boy did that expose my vulnerabilities and areas to heal.   Learning to be ok alone is scary stuff - but (I can say this now) very worth the effort.

I did the things that happy people seemed to do even though I really didn't feel like it - mainly because I wanted to feel better and my way was not exactly working.

I started writing a gratitude list nightly, volunteered, signed up for, trained and did a physical event, started making friends rather than trying to date... . it didn't happen overnight, but it did work... . I am much more peaceful being alone.

Re:  Meds

There is absolutely nothing wrong getting help - I took anti-depressants for about the first year and a half - taking that 15% anxiety edge off helped me cope through the divorce.  At first I didn't want too, but I am grateful that I did and I have been off them over a year and I actually am quite better than before.

I am sorry you are in a tough place right now - you are courageous for reaching out and sharing your pain 

Peace,

SB

[bewildered2]

Hey JA,

Sorry to hear you're having a tough time. It really sucks, I know. Been there.

I wish I could tell you that it will all be ok tomorrow, but I can't. But I can assure you that it will get better if you can hang in there. Did you see the movie "Platoon" where the character played by Tom Berenger told the new recruit to "take the pain" after he had been shot? Well, I think it is like that.

My guess is that anti-depressants will help, so why not?

The sad fact is that Borderlines leave their mark on us, and that it hurts. But as Ben Franklin said, "Pain instructs".

This woman taught you, the hard way, not to get involved with someone like her.

You will find many people here who understand what you are going through, so post and post and post.

The experience is hard, so don't get discouraged, it is normal. 

Hang in there, it will get better. I promise.

b2

[santa]

I've been feeling the same way today too, Johnny. I've got 20 something days no contact in and I've been thinking about my ex way more than usual today too. It's probably the weather.

Fight through it, man. This will pass and tomorrow you'll be glad you didn't contact her.

Just stay the course. You didn't stay no contact for this long to break now.

[Perfidy]

JA... What I was told a while back about being alone... . Be alone with yourself until you like it. When you like being alone you like yourself. Kinda made a little sense at the time. I know how it can be though. I get isolated at times and really just want someone to talk to. I'm getting to like myself more.

[irishmarmot]

"If your gonna die in the Nam it's best to get it in the first few weeks, the theory being,  you didn't suffer as much" Platoon was a great movie.   Yea I got hit after 4 months,  the relationship died.  Still hurts though its been just a few weeks.  Gonna have to watch out for Charlie though he's out for blood right now!

[fiddlestix]

Hey Johnny, I hear ya friend.  This stuff hurts.  I have been on scrips for a long time for anxieties etc... .   Give 'em a try.  Actively doing something toward healing feels productive.  And yes, the imprint the BPD person leaves on us is intense.  He/she reeled us in with incredible sexuality, energy, charisma... .   and then cast us away like last week's leftover tuna casserole... . then did it again (cuz we allowed it).  Ugh!  We need to heal and get to the bottem of why this happened more than once.  I should know; I spent 25 years in the trenches with an intelligent, sexy, but toxic BPD woman.  I may be more ill than her.  Know that we are with you, Johnny.

Fiddle

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I've been here before man, just last week.  Since finding out that she had a replacement lined up, but it didn't work out, I've decided that she is borderline.  If she isn't then she's close enough.  She doesn't treat me well and I know I'm better off. 

I, like you, have dated but nothing seems to click.  One girl ran a background check on me and has a lot of trouble communicating.  Another won't get close at all, which is ok b/c I'd rather not be sleeping with two different people.  I have days where I'd take her back.  W recently talked and it helped me, because I remembered how little I enjoyed being with her.  NC is a good tool, but if you want to speak with her I've got an excellent strategy that worked well for me. 

Regardless you're going to feel better eventually.  I know I'll eventually miss my BPD girlfriend.  We spent three years together, it's hard to let go just a month later. 

[geesunday]

 

She was an alcoholic as well.  Rages.  Irresponsibility.  Tantrums.  Entitlement.  The weird part is the more time goes by with NC the harder time I have remembering the bad.  I know all this stuff will resurface in her current relationship.  Its just a matter of when. 

I was the same way. The more time that passed the harder it was to remember all the daily meltdowns and drama. I almost contacted her at one point in the hopes that she would have one of her episodes so I could be reminded why I left. But I didn't do that.

Instead I started writing my feelings down and trying my best to remember all the terrible things that happened.

I did remember but I didnt have the same emotional reaction so in my mind I found myself thinking I was healed enough to deal with all the craziness again and fix it this time around.

But I gave it a few days and eventually it passed. What I found that worked for me was not to take on someone else's pain but to try and be open and sharing with those who are in my life. Instead of seeking out someone's burden to carry I decided to try and be the person I couldnt be when I was with her. It wasn't easy but eventually I found that I didn't want to experience her pain anymore, even if it was hard to remember. I just had to trust that, at that time when it was real and overwhelming, I knew it wasn't good for me.

[mgl210]

JA;

I feel your pain my friend. I feel it completely. This is the fourth time that she has popped out of my life. I have been thinking about alot of things and it just popped into my head that I remember asking her what she would do if her ex fiance(recovering drug user) had asked her to meet up what she would do and her response was "I dunno" keep in mind the guy is now married as well.

She just left me on the 13th of Jan. My bday is coming up and she is losing her temporary therapist soon. ALong with that, my mom will be leaving me soon to go back overseas. So, I have no doubt in my mind that she will attempt to recycle at that time... .

SIGh... . I feel your pain... . Welcome to this sight... . The people here are really awesome ...

MGL

[Lizlo]

Meet your counterpart.  The female version of you. I left my ex 8 months ago. Also an alcoholic with extreme rage.   He had someone else, I found out, and moved out. 

(It's been a hard week for me as well.  It must be in the air... .   Going thru the same confusion/depression.  I too was considering going to the dr for meds because I've been feeling so out of my element.)

I started dating about 4 to 5 months after I left him.  I started working out, going to a therapist, taking "care" of myself... . and you're right... It DOES look good on paper, but the need to have someone next to me was ever present and constant.  I too have abandonment issues ( although i dont really understand where mine come from). My biggest fear... being ALONE.  ( I find it almost comical that I feel this way.  I've been alone and taking care of myself since I was little.  I too grew up with a narcissistic, extreme codependent parent.

Dating at first was GREAT!  But I too did not want a relationship with anyone, and have also been completely honest about that aspect.  For me... . I just wanted company, and laughter, oh yeah and to feel comfortable, and safe, and to be held.  I'm slowly learning that in order for me to have that, I need to invest quality time in someone, and THAT scars me.  ALOT. 

It took me a few months to realize that I was trying to fill some unmet need with these men.  A need they obviously could never fill.  In the beginning I was riding HIGH. Especially with the attention component.  I had been attention deprived for so long that it felt AMAZING to have so much of it all of a sudden.  Until the moment I realized I was trying to fill a void... . I thought I was FINE without anyone, but inevitably I would feel incredibly empty every 2nd to 3rd day after a date.  Alone, and on that same roller coaster you mentioned.  In desperate need of SOME attention even if it was negative, which would again leave me feeling empty, dismissed, unwanted, unappreciated, and LOOKING for it... like a fix.  UGH... I HATE IT! (Makes me sad to have to admit that).  I was attaching way too much of my self worth to the attention I was receiving, or not.

Soo, in that never ending quest to feel good about myself, I decided, "I'm going to learn to be by "MYSELF"  (Again, one of those "oh wow, That's fantastic. Good for you" moments) Yeah, not so much.  I HATE it here too!  I dont like being alone.  I admit I do have these AMAZING conversations with myself,  and I even crack myself up sometimes but, a warm welcoming hug would be nice.

In any case... . my point in reaching out was to tell you that you're not alone.  I have your back on this one.   Walking thru the fire with you.  I know how you feel friend.  It will get better for us.  We'll figure it out.  Don't give up. 

[irishmarmot]

Johnny, the medication will help it takes about 6 weeks before you start to feel better.   It will help with the depression.  What you are considering taking will also help you with anxiety.   Give it a try you have nothing to lose. I have been on meds since dec. and it is helping me sleep.  I also have the abandonment stuff bur am staying out of relationships to figure out why I keep choosing people who are not available emotionally.  Goes back to FOO issues.  Besides I don't want to date anyway.  I am working on spiritual stuff and havent missed a sunday at church since dec 1.  That is helping a lot.

[sirensong65]

OK, I'm going to jump in here too. 

Johnny, you are NOT alone is this. My relationship ended in November.  NC until he reached out to toy with me two weeks ago.  Each contact takes me back to day one.  So, I have been in a horrible blue funk since then.

I'm alone and I hate it.  Weird for me because before him I had no issue with it.   I grew up an only child and felt that was what made it easier for me to enjoy my own company and not really NEED or DESIRE someone.  But I am also very affectionate and realize I do my best in ALL aspects of my life when I am in a relationship.  It also occurred to me as of late I am truly co dependent and have serious abandonment issues that stem from a very rough childhood.  My parents fought constantly throughout my life.  And I mean, drew guns on each other, pulled knives, choked and hit, and broke up and went back together MANY, MANY times during my childhood.  I thought before all of this that I was pretty darn normal considering what I had been raised around.  Now I am beginning to wonder how sane I am.

What gets to me is this.  I am considered extremely attractive and intelligent.  I am very successful in my community, well known.  All look at me and wonder how I can be single.  My relationship was very public because I am in a position that is very public and I included my BPDex in all events that I did or attended.  And people think he must be crazy to have done what he did.

So, on the outside, I LOOK GOOD ON PAPER.  I am very confident in my public persona.  And in this forum is the first time I have ever admitted, I don't feel very confident on the inside.  I feel unlovable, and not relationship material.  And it hurts more with this relationship because I have never worked so hard to communicate properly and treat someone the way I wanted to be treated in my life.  I adored this man and felt I had found my soul mate.  And this was a first for me.  I kept the walls up through 2 marriages and countless smaller scale relationships.  But with this man, I felt it was time I became completely vunerable because I felt I could trust him to love me like no other.  And that was the fatal mistake and I am paying for it now... .

[Johnny Alias]

Thanks to you all for your overwhelming support. It's a great comfort to know I'm not alone in all this... .

I think the hard part for me is the stark realization that we all come to that it never would have worked... . Not without sacrificing a huge part of who we are. Every two weeks I would get raged at. She would also snap at me over asking her to do things like pay her bills even if I did It calmly.

As I've mentioned before my exBPD is 43 and her time to have kids is pretty much done... . She also gets drunk 3-4 times a week, does coke, and smokes tons of weed. She's a party girl. I don't think she could have ever given up that life or her precious meds as she self medicated with all this.

She's got no job or skills.  She claims to be a photographer but 1-2 jobs a month where she gets wasted for the shoot hardly qualifies. All she really does is post selfies on Facebook.

I still catch myself thinking of what I could have done different and I am trying to improve myself for me not her... . Mostly. Thing is deep down I know there was no hope and I knew it at the time when I broke up with her for the third time.

Yeah I broke it off every time. She always had a man waiting in the wings to take my place but I did it... . And kept getting sucked back in with her Charming.

Now I know my "best friend" doesn't care if I'm alive or dead. She has her meathead guy who gets arrested in bar fights. Everyone hates them and their constant drama. Almost all of her best friends have left her as she raged at them too. They say I did the right thing. Small comfort.  

God. Sometimes I do remember how bad it was. Her stomping on the floor screaming at the top of her lungs... . Drunkenly slurring words. Plotting to get more money out of her dad or friend.

Her playboy looks are fading finally. She's a shadow of the woman I met 5 years ago. 25 years of solid partying will do that to you... .

I think I will try the Wellbutrin.  Thanks for the thoughts on that. This waking up at the break of dawn and chain smoking is killing me. I can't believe it all came to this.

But it was temporary pain or a lifetime of abuse and financial ruin... .

Thanks to you all again.

[Tincup]

JA-I feel for you too.  This whole thing sucks.  But I am at the other end of your spectrum.  I now enjoy being alone, but I am afraid I am enjoying being alone so I don't have to deal with things.  I am not ready to date yet (tried one and I freaked out), but I am afraid that I won't date because I don't want to deal with another pwBPD.  Right now I feel too broken.  One paper I look great, probably like most here. 

But I am really enjoying "my" time right now.  I just have to be aware of no using "my" time as an avoidance technique.  I am aware that I have had very little time in my adult life when I have not been in a relationship.  I am aware that as a co-dependent person I also put other peoples needs ahead of mine.  I am trying to learn through this process to put my needs first (but again not use this as an excuse to avoid).  This is all tough stuff to deal with, you are doing just fine.  The simple fact that WE (collectively)  are questioning what and how we do things going forward is FANTASTIC.