back with shocking custody evaluation results

[nowheretogo]

Well, maybe it's not shocking to many of you... .

My custody evaluation finally concluded after 8 months, despite being court ordered to be completed in 90 days.

I thought the worse case scenario would be that we have to keep the current temporary custody schedule, where ex H has D3 5 out of every 14 overnights (every other weekend and one weekday overnight each week). 

As a complete surprise, the evaluator believed exes lies that he is not abusive nor has drinking problems and his stories that I am fabricating and exaggerating in order to "keep D3 away from him" and suggested a 50/50 custody schedule!

I feel so betrayed, I can't even put it into words... . not believing a true victim of abuse who is speaking up and trying to do the right thing... . after I read the report, I thought "this is why I have no voice anymore.  Why talk, when no one listens?"

What  a hole I have to dig out of now!

My main problems with the whole evaluation are 1., the evaluator suffered a "sudden tragic and accidental death" of her 29 year-old stepson on Sept, 28th, alleging this is the cause for the delay... . should she even have been doing this evaluation?   L says we can't go there, she would be indignant, it would sour grapes, they would say what I am going to do, request new evals until I like what I hear?

2.  she never contacted the therapists... . either the one that we saw together in couples counseling who also saw ex alone several times and I know has insight into the fact that ex H in not in touch with reality and represents an extreme case.  Why didn't she?  I signed forms allowing her to do so.  If he didn't, isn't that  big red flag?

3.  the decision is the opposite of being in the best interest of D3

I am meeting with L today.  He says we can try to "shoot holes in her report".  The picture of me that she has derived is simply incorrect. 

I think I need to at least press the issue of her talking with the therapists... .

I'm just in shock and disbelief!

How are you all doing?  I miss being in touch... .

[momtara]

I've heard that the way to go is to hire another expert, a psych, for a few thou.  That person can talk to the shrinks and poke holes in the report.  You can get someone who is well known to the court.  But that is a lot of money to spend.

Usually it seems that men are the one disbelieved in these instances.  I guess they can work against anyone.

I'm sorry for such a shocking and ridiculous result.  Sounds like she was lazy and bought lies from a (charming?) man.  

I think you can fight it.  Your lawyer at least sounds confidence, whereas some are not.

This is why I never asked for an eval for my ex, although I was just questioning it (again) an hour ago.  It's really rolling the dice to go to court.

[nowheretogo]

Hire another psychiatrist?  the evaluator isn't a psychologist or psychiatrist, but a therapist... . and she hasn't even talked to the psychiatrists that have insight into who me and exH really are! 

Yes, she bought all of his "charming" lies and his self-portrayal as my victim... . disgusting

Will see what L says today... . I am just dying inside... . poor little D3

[david]

I had a court ordered eval. I live in Pa. It is a hybrid eval to minimize costs. It is horrible and is extremely biased. Many of the judges in my county will not hear a custody hearing without it. It's a big money maker for all involved. It was flawed in many ways. I had to hire a forensic psychologist ($5,000) to testify that the report was extremely flawed and biased. He was very professional and did a really good job. He tested me with various tests including MMPI. However, Bucks County, Pa is noted as one of the worst places for fathers and custody in the state of PA. I believe it is ranked as one of the bottom three in the entire state. I also had an incompetent attorney. It took me a while to figure that out. Now that I know the rules of the game and have a better attorney I am better prepared and am seeking more time. I have been dealing with this since 2007. Fortunately, it has made me a much better parent and our kids are doing better than I had expected back then.

[momtara]

That's what I mean - you get an opinion from a psych.

[nowheretogo]

david,

I am glad you replied.  I am also in PA.  Dauphin County... . the forensic psychologist idea is interesting... . how did he go about that?  MMPI was included in our eval, and although we both fell within normal, she painted a much worse picture of me.  Right now my attorney is saying to lay low and not say anything, keeping the current schedule going, and then we can say that not only is the report stale, but point out the many flaws... . I am not sure what to think other than I am still shocked that this man with a pathologic personality was perceived as the honest and more normal one!  I am insulted to be a victim of abuse, who is essentially being called a liar/exaggerator.  I told no lies and made no attempts to stretch any truths... . who will ever listen?

[david]

I go to a grass roots organization called face (it used to be called father's and children's equality and has changed it's name to family and children's equality). They have meetings all around this area. They had a guest speaker that was a forensic psychologist. He answered every question, in my opinion, openly and honestly. My atty didn't know anyone really good and I suggested him. After the hearing my atty said he was very good on the stand. What I have discovered is that in my county the court system has a bunch of regulars. Finding someone that doesn't just go through the motions and collect a check is the first step to getting things done for the kids.   

[nowheretogo]

I think your last point is a very valid one.  More specifically, though, what did he say was flawed and biased about the evaluation report... . I still just can't believe what has happened here, but need to try to think how to best handle it moving forward.  D3 deserves better... .

[nowheretogo]

what would you suggest is the best way to find a good forensic psychologist to do this?

[nowheretogo]

david, may you contact me through a personal email message to discuss who you hired?

[Matt]

So some strategies to consider:

* Stall - move slowly so this report will become stale.  Keep things as they are as long as possible, and make sure the kids are doing well, so you can say, "Why change?".

* Find a solid psychologist who can contact the other professionals, and prepare a better report.

* Impeach the evaluator's report (and maybe the evaluator himself).  Show that he did not talk to the other professionals, and that some of what he wrote was objectively false.  Put him on the stand and make a fool of him.  This is a high-risk strategy but it might be necessary.

* Find evidence that you are a good parent and that your ex isn't.

Maybe you can discuss all these and any others you can think of with your attorney and form a plan you both feel good about.

[momtara]

you can ask if your lawyer recommends anyone.  maybe see if there are divorce support groups in your area and ask the people if they used someone.  and google.

[livednlearned]

nowheretogo,

What a blow! If I remember correctly, didn't you consider hiring a private investigator at one point? If you are concerned about the substance abuse issues, is there a way to document how much he consumes?

He doesn't have a good relationship with his older son, does he? Did the CE not take those relationships into account... . maybe they can't, if they aren't immediately relevant to the case.

Your ex seemed very similar to mine, so I can imagine how high-functioning and charming he could be. My ex, I don't think he really wanted time with our son. He does want to engage and create conflict, but he doesn't want to be a dad. Just appear like one.

It's a terrible disorder. I'm so sorry the CE was a bust.

[nowheretogo]

Thank you everyone for chiming in.  I feel like an innocent person in prison. 

Matt, I am considering your mentioned strategies... . my L is mainly for stalling and then trying to shoot holes through the evaluation in court (showing that she did not talk to other professionals, etc)

lnl, yes i know he charmed her.  There is no other way.  My ex doesn't really want 50/50 custody either.  It's always been about the money attached to that for him.  I can't believe she saw through that and bought that it is me trying to not have to pay... . and everything else.  She did not consider his relationship with his other children and actually stated that his difficulties with them are "different"  (I think they would be excellent indicators).  Unfortunately, his D21 and his ex wife both wrote supporting letters stating that he has no history of anger problems... . I have personally witnessed him screaming at and abusing both of them, and his daughter going through long periods of NC with him because of it.

The whole thing is so sickening to me, and just so unreal. 

In the meantime, he continues his money quest and claimed D3 on taxes before I could file this year... . I had primary physical custody all of 2013.  L said to claim her anyway, attaching a copy of the temporary custody order, so I guess I will and see what happens.

Reaching out for your continued support... . I feel depressed tonight and haven't felt this way in a while

[Matt]

A couple more comments - hope they are helpful.

"I feel like an innocent person in prison."  That's very understandable, and it might even be healthy to let yourself feel how you feel, for awhile - just let it roll over you, like grief.

But... . don't get too used to feeling like a victim.  It may be justified, but it's not effective, especially when there are kids involved.  As soon as you are able, you need to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get to work, doing the best you can, as a parent as with your legal stuff.  Not easy but it's got to be done, and you probably can't do your best if you're feeling like a victim instead of a warrior.

Also... . about claiming D3... .

In our divorce settlement, which became a court order, we agreed that my wife would claim both minor kids (then 10 and 11) on her taxes, that year only, and I would claim them both every year after that.  I'm not saying that's what you should aim for, only that it made sense in our case, because I made more money, so I needed the exemptions, and also - what I couldn't say out loud - because they actually spent more time with me, although we agreed on 50/50 custody legally.

A few years later, I was applying for a home loan, and they needed my tax return in its official form, from the IRS.  But what they got indicated that the IRS had denied my tax return, because I had claimed my kids as dependents.  It turned out that my wife had claimed them too, and she filed her return before I did.  The IRS didn't ask for the court order, they just assumed she was right, and it created a ton of problems for me - cost me a lot of money to sort it out.

Not sure how this applies to you, but you might want to check into it, so the same thing won't happen to you at some point.

[catnap]

Good to see you again nwtg and sorry to hear the CE was a total farce.   

A lot of good ideas being suggested. 

[livednlearned]

In the meantime, he continues his money quest and claimed D3 on taxes before I could file this year... . I had primary physical custody all of 2013.  L said to claim her anyway, attaching a copy of the temporary custody order, so I guess I will and see what happens.

Reaching out for your continued support... . I feel depressed tonight and haven't felt this way in a while

My ex did this too. And yes, you just write a note to the IRS and attach the order that shows you are the primary physical parent or custodial parent. It will get sorted out, they see it all the time. It means you can't file electronically, unfortunately. My ex has done this every year, so now I just consider it a part of the way I file. 

How long has it been since he was awarded 50/50? In the time before that, was he failing to take the full amount of time with D3? Documentation, and lots of it, is probably going to help you over the long haul. 

[nowheretogo]

lnl, glad to hear you have had this experience.  Should I also include divorce decree since that was in the spring of 2013?  And just explain in letter that we all lived together until then?

He wasn't awarded 50/50 yet, it has just been suggested by the eval, so there is a strong chance that he will wind up with it now as the courts usually go for what the evaluation says... . we are still going on the temporary schedule that was ordered in May or June... . I have primary physical custody and she spends 5 out of every 14 nights there.  He has not slacked, and would never do so until he has that 50/50 custody order, because then he has everything he needs ($$).  I have slacked on daily documentation over the past month or two, but nothing major has really gone on, anyway.  I am going to start again, now that I am pulling myself back together.

I'm strongly considering the forensic psychologist to help me show the holes and faults of the eval... . and also maybe switching attorneys.  I just still have this gut feeling that my attorney is not really fully in the game with me.  I need someone who will truly hear everything that I have to say, believe who I am, and try to do what is right just as I have always done!

catnap, you are right... . a TOTAL farce!  And Matt,  yes, I can't roll over and die here, have to keep going for D3 and S8!  I will do whatever I can!  Of course that's what I thought I was doing with the evaluation

Thank you again for all of your support and please let me know of other thoughts or suggestions... .

[livednlearned]

A forensic psychiatrist who administers the MMPI2 -- if you haven't done that yet, now is the time. Also, depositions. The strategy your L is proposing for shooting holes in the CE sounds lame. You need something else with teeth to show that your ex habitually lies, has a substance abuse issue.

It sounds like your lawyer is coasting. If you can get a better one, do that. Your daughter is young enough that it could save you a ton of money over the long term, even if it costs a pile right now. Not to mention her safety, especially while she's so young. My ex ended up having a psychotic episode one night while drinking, mixing booze with ambien, adderall, and god knows what else. I can't even imagine how traumatic that night was for S12. He won't open up about it at all.

You hired the lawyer you have now when you were at a much weaker place, and now you're stronger and out of the worst of the FOG. Find a lawyer who will advocate for you, and who understands what you're up against. It makes a huge difference!



LnL

[Matt]

LnL mentions a couple of super-important tactics - both of them I used and both of them helped me.

MMPI-2 or some other objective psych evals for both parents... .

Some professionals - psychologists, counselors, custody evaluators, etc. - use objective tests, and others don't.  Some of them seem to believe they can figure things out by talking to the parties and others, and maybe they can, but it's not science, because it's not objective.  There is no way to know if someone who has a severe psychological disorder can fool them or not - it's a crap-shoot.

The MMPI-2 was requested by our CE.  I knew nothing about it at that point but I agreed - no problem - I figured I should just go along with the process and trust that more information would be a good thing, which turned out to be right.  Cost $500 for each of us.  Mine went OK - about 500 items - each one is like, "I'm more of a morning person or more of an evening person" and then you pick 1 for "morning" or 5 for "evening" or someplace in between.  (I just made up that example, to show that it's not "right" and "wrong", it's a choice between two extremes, or you can pick in the middle.)

The MMPI-2 has been in development for decades and has been given to many thousands of people.  Studies have been done to establish what patterns of responses mean.  There are "truth scales" - combinations of responses that suggest the person is telling the truth or not.  There are scales (combinations of responses) that indicate many different psych disorders including BPD.

My results were fine - no disorders.  But it showed I was at high risk for addiction.  The CE asked me how much I drank and if I used any controlled substances - at the time my answers were "I haven't had any alcohol for the past year and I don't use any drugs." which was true.  He said that because of my age (over 40 at the time) it wasn't likely I would develop any addictions, but to stay on my current path to make sure.  It didn't hurt my case at all;  in fact I think it may have helped.

My wife's results showed "multiple psychological disorders" including BPD, and also that she "presented falsely" (lied) on the test.

This did not immediately result in a change to custody, but it figured into the process.  One result was that it added to the pattern my lawyer, my wife's lawyer and the court had seen - my wife's tendency to blatantly lie about important issues (though in our daily life she was very honest).  She lost a lot of credibility.  Also, it explained some of her behavior - violence, threats, false accusations - put it all in context so everyone involved.

I would strongly recommend finding out about the process to have both parents objectively tested, with the results to be known to both sides and the court.

Depositions... .

Suggested to me by others here, and very helpful.  Kind of expensive - five or ten hours of my lawyer's time.

We filed a motion to have my wife deposed for four hours.  Her lawyer responded in kind.  The depositions were scheduled - me in the morning, my wife in the afternoon - at my wife's lawyer's fancy office.

We were both told to bring a number of documents, and I did, but my wife didn't.  She got no consequences, so I wished I hadn't brought them either.

My lawyer had prepped me - "Just answer what is asked and say nothing more.  Yes or no is fine if that answers the question.  If you don't understand say that, or if you don't know say that."  It went very well and only took a couple of hours.  The hardest part was stopping after a short answer;  normally we add more information to be helpful and friendly, but that's not what you should do when deposed.

My wife did very badly.  We had prepared a number of questions on various topics, so she would have to either tell the truth or lie under oath.  She lied more than 40 times, about half of them things we could prove, all under oath and recorded.  The next day, we listed the lies, and my lawyer talked with her lawyer and told her, "If we go to trial your client will be sworn in and will either admit she lied under oath, or we will prove it with evidence."  Lawyers are ethically obligated to protect their clients from criminal liability, so her lawyer was powerfully motivated to settle before trial, which we did - the day before trial.

When someone is lying, depositions give you the chance to get those lies into the court record, under oath.  You then have time to find evidence, to prove they are lying, before the trial.  Someone who is lying can be backed into a very bad corner this way - not just made to look bad, but at risk of criminal prosecution.  The key is the questions your lawyer asks - they must be very carefully prepared so there is no way the other party can tell the truth without admitting they have lied in the past.  You win either way.

[livednlearned]

Ditto to what Matt said. My case turned out a bit different. For example, we never used the depositions, but if we needed to, there was a ton there, all very concerning, including N/BPDx's very distorted answers about his drinking problem. N/BPDx ended up having a psychotic episode and documented the entire thing. He basically packaged himself up and tied a bow on his head, then handed it over to the court. 

In the deposition, he admitted he had a problem, but then said he wasn't an alcoholic. He said he quit "all the time." He said it had never caused him any trouble and he didn't think he had a problem, but then admitted that it was the number one problem in our marriage, that there were times he forgot what he did the night before because he had too much to drink. N/BPDx thought all those things were a sign of normal drinking, but they seem very troubling in the context of the full deposition, particularly because we were discussing care of S12. All of that testimonial is then used by the opposing attorney to shoot holes in it, making it clear how many inconsistencies and lies, troubling perceptions, etc. are in play.

How long until the hearing to determine the custody schedule?

Ask around to see who has a good reputation as a forensic psychiatrist. You'll start to hear the same names again and again. You might even want to talk to the clerk in your court to find out if there is a list. Then start looking for a better lawyer. Ask the lawyer how he or she would help you turn around a bogus CE, which forensic psychiatrist they would recommend.

No one will fight for you as hard and smart as you will. You have to do your homework, which is hard when you have two young kids and a full-time job, and you're stressed from a crappy CE. But you can do it! I remember when you tried to change your name to icandoanything  

That's you!

[nowheretogo]

Ex will be filing for a hearing soon, so it will probably be about two months or so from now.

When I asked my L about depositions before, he basically laughed at me and said no one does that for divorce cases.  But I can ask some other attorneys.

Going to call some other Ls today.  What should be my strategy for switching?  And how do I break it to my attorney?

Going to call some forensic psychologists and/or psychiatrists today too.  I took the day off from work.

Ex told his L "we had an agreement" to alternate years with claiming D3 on taxes... funny, he also said we had an agreement on 50/50 custody at some point.  I never agreed to anything!  He also says that I claimed her last year and got to keep the entire refund.  I filed a joint married return last year, and I had to pay him all of that money with the divorce settlement.  In addition, when he found out about the sizable refund, he increased the amount he was asking for by $5000, and I gave him that, too.  Aaargh!

He is also asking for the full name of the gentleman I am dating so that he can do a background check. 

[ForeverDad]

Yes, he will always keep asking for more.  Clearly, any settlement in his mind is open to reinterpretation and continued entitlement and rewritten history.

No, he does not do a background check on others in your life, or at least you don't enable it.  He will push the boundaries of good behavior until and unless stopped - and probably still will try it anyway.

He used to work in a security position, right?  Then lost it?  Has he ever tried to work since then?  Is there any indication he will work again?

Sadly, you do need to have this evaluator's report and its flaws assessed by a real expert, someone known to have a good reputation, not just someone picked from a list like this first one likely was.

[Matt]

"No one does that for divorce cases."  That guy is a loser.  He doesn't know how to handle a case like yours.

I'm not telling you that you should file to depose the other party;  I'm not an attorney, and my experience is limited to my own case, plus what I've learned from others here, and read about in "Splitting" and elsewhere.

But I know that what he's telling you is wrong, because of my own experience, and plenty of others here.  :)epositions can be a powerful tool, especially when the other side is lying, covering up information, or making false accusations.

Tell that guy, in writing, not to work any more hours on your case or incur further costs.  Ask for a final bill and accounting, and check it carefully.  It's likely he will overcharge you so he doesn't have to give back any of your retainer.

The way I found my second attorney - I went through this too - my first attorney was a phony like yours - was that I went online and found a lot of attorneys in my area, and I called them, and asked each one what experience they had with an opposing party who had BPD.  Most of them admitted they didn't have any;  quite a few asked me what "BPD" was.  I asked each of them to recommend someone with the right experience.

Finally I found one who - when I asked about her experience with BPD - said, "You mean Borderline Personality Disorder?".  She had handled a number of similar cases, and told me "war stories" about how they played out and what she had learned.  I still only considered her about a 7 - not a perfect fit - but my first attorney was about a 2 (though he was probably very good for most cases that don't involve someone with an extreme personality problem).

One thing you might consider is, when talking with each attorney, ask for a recommendation to psychologists who can help with a case like this.  And when you talk with each psychologist, ask for the names of attorneys who they have worked with successfully.  What you want is a team that will work well together and be effective;  you might find two people who have worked well together in the past and can hit the ground running.

Also... . about "forensic psychologists or psychiatrists" - I'm not sure but I think what you're looking for is a psychologist (not psychiatrist) who does custody evaluations.

How to break it to your attorney?  "I am not happy with how you have handled this case so I am making a change.  Please send me a final bill, accounting for all charges, and a refund of the remaining retainer by the end of this week."  In writing, simple, no-nonsense.  You don't owe him anything more than that - he works for you and you have the right to make a change any time you think that is the right thing to do.

Act fast since the new attorney will need to prepare for the hearing.  But when the new attorney is in place, she may want to file a motion to delay the hearing a few weeks, so she can be thoroughly prepared for it.

One more thought... . I think it's important to establish the new relationship, that you tell the new attorney what your objectives are in the case.  For example, you might say, "Primary custody, with no overnights til Ex has shown consistent stability, and he should pay alimony and child support according to this state's guidelines."  Or whatever you decide would be the best realistic outcome.  Your new attorney might tell you that your objectives aren't realistic, and you can decide what to do about that - change your objectives or look for an attorney who will take them on.  Ask the attorney to give you a solid plan to achieve your objectives - not a guarantee, no attorney will give you that - but a step-by-step road map so you will know what you can expect.

I think where many of us go wrong - certainly what I wish I had done with my first attorney - is to set very clear expectations of the attorney, so she can either step up and commit to those objectives, or tell you that she doesn't think they are realistic, so you can deal with that.  My first attorney - when I finally did that - told me point-blank he didn't think my objectives were realistic.  When I realized that was more about him than about the case - he had no experience handling cases like mine - I made a change, and the new attorney was much better, and we got good results (though not quite what I hoped for).

[ForeverDad]

"No one does that for divorce cases."  That guy is a loser.  He doesn't know how to handle a case like yours.

My attorney said, "Why waste $1K-2K on a deposition when we can do it on the stand?"  Eights years and many $Ks later I look back and wonder about that.

One thing you might consider is, when talking with each attorney, ask for a recommendation to psychologists who can help with a case like this.  And when you talk with each psychologist, ask for the names of attorneys who they have worked with successfully.  What you want is a team that will work well together and be effective;  you might find two people who have worked well together in the past and can hit the ground running.

When seeking a new lawyer, after describing your issues and hearing ideas from the lawyers then ask up front, "If you had my problem and you needed a good lawyer, who would YOU choose?" Likely you'll hear a few select names multiple times.  Focus on those.  (Same idea for expert evaluators, psychologists or mental health experts.)

Our custody evaluator was someone the lawyer knew and trusted - and according to my lawyer, so did the court.  The initial CE report was excellent, too bad ex decided to settle at literally the last minute on Trial Morning and everyone including the CE expected me to settle so therefore the updated report was sealed and never saw the light of day in court.

Don't feel bad about changing lawyers.  This is a business relationship, not friends or buddies where you worry their feelings might get hurt.  I don't know if you have to tell your current lawyer to stop right now or whether you hold off until you have found another.  A lot depends on whether there are any response dates where you need to appeal, object or otherwise make timely decisions.

[Matt]

"No one does that for divorce cases."  That guy is a loser.  He doesn't know how to handle a case like yours.

My attorney said, "Why waste $1K-2K on a deposition when we can do it on the stand?"  Eights years and many $Ks later I look back and wonder about that.

This is an excellent example of how many attorneys look at things.  FD's lawyer appears to have understood how the system works, but he had no concept of strategy - how you can make the system work to your benefit.

Here's what I mean:

The reason depositions are so helpful in cases where the other party is lying, or making false accusations, is that depositions mean you have two chances to put the other party under oath.

First you depose him, and ask him very carefully-worded questions about stuff he isn't telling the truth about.

Then you look over his answers, identify where he hasn't told the truth, and gather evidence, to prove that what he said was false, and if possible to also prove that he knew it was false - he was deliberately lying.

Then you show that information to the other party's attorney, so she will see that her client made false statements under oath, which is a crime.  You tell her, "If we go to trial, we'll put your client on the stand, and prove he lied under oath.  He will be at criminal risk."  Since an attorney is ethically obligated to protect her client from criminal jeopardy, she will be forced to advise him, "You better settle!".  You'll be in a very strong position to get a good settlement.

But if that doesn't work, you go to trial, where you put the other party under oath again, and prove that he lied under oath (when he was deposed).  You ruin his credibility and raise the question, "Why is he acting like this?".

This is an example of a strategy that can be used when the other party has BPD or another psychological problem that causes him to act strangely and make false statements and accusations.  FD's attorney may have done a great job for most of his clients, and may have known the law very well.  But he clearly wasn't a strategic thinker - one of the keys to success in high-conflict cases.

[nowheretogo]

I understand the usefulness of the depositions, as well explained by Matt and ForeverDad now, thank you.

It would be useful for me to hear a couple of real-life examples of the lies and how you proved them to be so.

Also, exH was almost deposed by a detective when he was trying to get a PI job, and THAT is when he gave up his quest for that, refusing the deposition.

Can he refuse to be deposed if I file a motion?

[ForeverDad]

Can he refuse to be deposed if I file a motion?

That a legal question for a lawyer.  However, legally I doubt he can refuse.  (Nor could you refuse if his lawyer decides to depose you.  However, you wouldn't want to comply with a deposition while he skipped his.)  Practically, too many rules are ignored in family court and end up seldom getting consequences.  Possibly he can just not show up, same as some of our ex-spouses have done by ignoring written interrogatories, but if so then that could put him at a disadvantage in court.  Lawyer question.  But if you do them, give priority to questions that reveal parenting behavior or behavior that can affect parenting.  Adult behaviors often end up becoming mere footnotes.

[Matt]

Examples:

My wife had accused me of assault - called 911 and told them, "My husband threw me down the stairs."  Two officers arrived - one talked to me and the other to her, then they switched and talked to us again.  Their report was very detailed about what we both said.

My wife had told Officer 1, "I didn't hit him or try to hit him."  I told Officer 2, "She swung my guitar at me a number of times."

Officer 2 then asked her, ":)id you swing his guitar at him?" and she said, "Yes - I was really mad - but I didn't hit him with it."

When she was deposed, my lawyer asked her, ":)id you hit Matt or try to hit him?" and she said no.  ":)id you swing his guitar at him?"  "No."  ":)id you tell Officer 1 that you didn't hit him or try to hit him?"  "Yes."  ":)id you tell Officer 2 that you swung his guitar at him?"  "No."  "Here is a copy of the police report - see right here, what Officer 2 wrote.  Now tell me again please - did you swing a guitar at Matt?"  "Yes."  "So a few minutes ago when I asked you that, why did you say no?"  "I don't know."  Etc.

Find an issue he is lying about - ask him that question under oath so his lie is now on the record.  Ask several questions about it - more details - get him to lie repeatedly and in detail.  Then confront him with evidence, in depositions if possible, or later at trial.

Focus on the issues where you can find evidence or someone else to testify to the truth.

"Can he refuse to be deposed?" - I don't think he can refuse.  I think that is a court order - you file a motion and the court approves it, and then if he refuses he is violating a court order and can be held in contempt of court.  It might take a number of motions - maybe a "motion to compel" - but sooner or later he'll have to give in, and he will look bad for fighting it.  The court will see that he is trying to hide from the truth.

[livednlearned]

Can he refuse to be deposed if I file a motion?

That should be one of the first questions you ask your new attorney.

I agree with Matt. Your current attorney is a loser. No one should be laughing at a client who has a BPD spouse. No lawyer should be laughing after his client just got a bad CE. There is nothing to laugh about. Depositions are used all the time in high-conflict cases. He just told you he has no experience with high conflict. Fire him.

In my deposition, N/BPDx did more than lie. He made it clear that he didn't understand the severity of his behavior. My lawyer asked him if he was someone who got angry. He said no. She asked him if he ever called me names. He said no. She asked him if he ever drank too much. He said no. She asked him if he had an anger issue. He said no.

On and on like that. And then she started showing him emails in which he either does those things or admits to them. He still denied that he had a problem with anger, and he justified each and every email. It made him look like worse.

Depositions are used for two things. One is to get your ex's testimony on record so that your lawyer can cross-examine him on the stand. Two is for your attorney to see what kind of witness your ex will be. And vice versa. It's a test.

According to my lawyer, the opposing lawyer saw that I was a credible, reliable, and convincing witness. It made him realize his own client was snowing him. We came in with three binders of raging emails, not something the opposing attorney was aware of. He apparently told my lawyer that he saw those binders and knew he was finished.

The opposing lawyer stayed on a for a while and eventually withdrew when he realized he could not contain or counsel N/BPDx.

BPD sufferers use the courts to delay things for a long long time. Use those same strategies to slow your case down. Make that something you talk to a new lawyer about -- that the status quo is better for your daughter right now. How can you stabilize that schedule for as long as possible?

It's possible that you don't need a deposition AND an MMPI-2, but you need to ask a lawyer who has experience with high-conflict cases to understand. You are a physician, right? People come to you because you have expertise and training in your specialty. They can probably go to someone with less training and experience, but if it's serious, they should go to an expert.

There is sort of an equivalent with law. Pick someone who only does family law. Pick someone who has experience with high-conflict.