Passive Aggressive- A form of abuse? or Damage control?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Greetings to all.

I have a thought-question.

I have been no-contact with my exBPD girlfriend for 8 months. (I admit I still have feelign for her)  We work in the same place, I don't even look at her, and we pass almost daily, a few times.

I went no-contact because of the suicide attempts and threats couldn't take it anymore, and she was damaging my rep at work, just making me look like a villain. I tried my best to help, but didn't want her life in my hands (that's the way it felt) though I know it's a choice they make.

Is it abusive of me to completely ignore this woman?  I wonder how cold I am sometimes being that she does have a disorder. 

I didn't do it to be mean, I just couldn't take it anymore and needed to walk away.  She SEEMS to be getting better.  But, I can't break the no-contact, don't want that feeling again... . despair, hopelessness etc... . She appears to be getting her life back in order, I am happy for her for that.

Is no-contact a form of passive aggressive abuse? Or are we just protecting ourselves from more damage?

[Tolou]

Greetings to all.

I have a thought-question.

I have been no-contact with my exBPD girlfriend for 8 months. (I admit I still have feelign for her)  We work in the same place, I don't even look at her, and we pass almost daily, a few times.

I went no-contact because of the suicide attempts and threats couldn't take it anymore, and she was damaging my rep at work, just making me look like a villain. I tried my best to help, but didn't want her life in my hands (that's the way it felt) though I know it's a choice they make.

Is it abusive of me to completely ignore this woman?  I wonder how cold I am sometimes being that she does have a disorder. 

I didn't do it to be mean, I just couldn't take it anymore and needed to walk away.  She SEEMS to be getting better.  But, I can't break the no-contact, don't want that feeling again... . despair, hopelessness etc... . She appears to be getting her life back in order, I am happy for her for that.

Is no-contact a form of passive aggressive abuse? Or are we just protecting ourselves from more damage?

[Madison66]

Hang in there, Tolou!  That's a tough situation to work in the same place with your ex.  I can relate in that I live on the same block with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3 years.  I've dealt with the guilt of leaving the r/s (she also has three young kids that I had r/s with), going n/c and doing everything I can to avoid any contact.  My T put it this way to me.  I left her and her kids in a better place than I found them.  I also earned enough Karma points to last this lifetime and another for staying with it as long as I did.  Additionally, it is not my duty to be or feel like I'm responsible for her life and feelings now.  Lastly and most importantly, n/c allows you the time and space to heal from the abuse you received in the r/s.  That healing process and the wisdom to carry forward will help you always live your "true self" moving forward.  It will have ripple effects on every area of your life and set you up to enjoy the fulfilling r/s you deserve.

It is ok and very human to have the feelings you are having now.  Just know that breaking n/c could jeopardize all the hard work you've done and derail all those positive things in life that you are going to experience.  As my T always says to me "play the movie forward" and see how it looks from there.

[charred]

It is the opposite of a form of passive-aggressive abuse.

No contact is simply not being in a relationship, that you don't want to be in ... including not communicating.

It would be passive-aggressive to be in the relationship ... . when you don't want to, to say you want to, but harbor resentment... because you really don't.

If you plan on being with the person... but are not speaking to them... that could be passive-aggresive.

The recommendations to maintain "no contact" that you hear from many many people (myself included)... are given because in a relationship with a person with BPD... . there is usually a lot of pain when you are separated... and each time you get together you are in for more trouble, and there is a very good chance of getting sucked back in to the r/s when you resume talking to the person. So work on getting over them and stop contacting them or replying to them.

By asking if it is abuse... to not contact them... and mentioning that its been 8 months and you still have feelings... sounds like you are trolling for an excuse to start talking with her again. You have free will... if you want to talk do so, but despair and hopelessness are par for the course.

It does give you a bit of a goal... staying NC... I have been 18 months now... and as you get through the grieving stages that are involved in the breakup and acceptance gets more and more the case... it does get easier.

And you start to get yourself back, go from depression to a bit of motivation, that kind of thing.

[Tolou]

Hey Madison,

thanks, that's deep.  I know in my mind that I am doing the right thing, for me.  I don't need that type of chaos in my life, especially at my job.  I worked so hard to get where I am and develop the professional realtionships I have with people to have her try and tarnish them, for her own needs, I just couldn't take that anymore.  Ignoring her was so hard, but has gotten easier over-time and things have got much better for me.  And she also seems to have become more stable and becoming more of a resemblence of the woman I thought I first met but I know the truth and I don't want that.  So I struggle with it but I know I am doing the right thing.

[Tolou]

Thanks Charred.

I was just posting a question.  It's hard, but it has gotten better. I WILL NOT BREAK THE NO-CONTACT... . It has done me a world of benefit.  I do still have feelings, and need to deal with that which I have been with all of you and your advice and insight, along with sharing some of own.

I just post sometimes for food for thought and feedback and appreciate the repsonses!

[fromheeltoheal]

And remember Tolou that no contact is a tool, not a solution, and not communicating with our exes is not the same as detaching; detachment requires emotional healing and a shift in focus, which could happen with our exes still around.

My ex contacted me a couple of times many months after I left her, and by then I had gotten my feet on the ground a little and learned about BPD.  She used the same flirty, optimistic facade she always used with me, one that worked very well in the beginning, but by then I saw it as transparent and pathetic, the more abandoned she felt the more she'd turn on the sugar, and the whole exchanges just confirmed my decision to leave her.  Limited contact can actually help you detach.

But you have to take care of yourself first, if yours is anything like mine, she won't.  Stretching is good but overstretching isn't, and if the emotions are still strong it's better to do what you need to do on your own first.  You have no obligation to her, and there's nothing aggressive, passive or otherwise, about leaving her.

[Tolou]

Thank you healtotoe... .

She tried in the begining but I resisted

[Pearl55]

Don't forget tolou she is EMOTIONALY detached from you even when you were in your relationship with her. She's only testing the water to see if she is able to manipulate you or not. Never ever anything is genuine from a borderline.

[santa]

You sound like a good dude, Tolou.

I don't think there's anything wrong with continuing no contact. You have good reasons to want to shield yourself from her. I don't see any reason for you to make yourself vulnerable to her again.

[Tolou]

Santa,

thanks... . I won't, I don't want to be involved with someone so unstable, I can't see that stuff happening again, the suicide attempts in my house, etc... . threats... . It changed my life.  But, seeing her at work and everything that happened and how cold I turned, I just have good days and some bad, but I know why I walked away, it was with good intentions, not malicious.  I don't think she knew she was BPD until she met me...