How responsible am I?

[WrennyJen]

I have been in a 6 year on/off relationship with my Undiagnosed BPDbf and I am getting ready to leave him (again).  In preparing to leave, I have been thinking a lot about him and the damage that I myself have done to him over the years.

Please don't misunderstand me that I am buying into his mirroring all the bad things and fights onto me or thinking that his condition is my fault, I don't.  In addition, he has damaged me emotionally, physically and financially and I know that what he has inflicted on me over the years has scarred me.  I know that I will be better off without him and can start to heal once I leave.  My thinking is that I know he had many issues before I got there and will continue to have them once I leave.  But there are things that have happened in the course of our relationship that I do feel guilty for.  

One of these things is the leaving itself.  I have left him several times (and I wish that each had been the final)... . hindsight.  :-/  The way that I left every time was to pack my things while he was passed out from a night of drinking (he is a light sleeper otherwise)...  He would wake up to find me gone and we would be NC for a while until I answered a call or a text and the recycle started again.  He says that he is now scarred from this, me leaving while he is asleep and is paranoid that it will happen again.  He says that he sometimes wakes up with a panic attack thinking I have left again.  This has also been something he references in his rages as me damaging him and giving our r/s more issues.  Honestly, I do feel bad for leaving the way that I have but I do not trust him to be civil and just pack my things and let me leave.  Also, I am afraid that he would get physical with me when I insist on leaving.  I have told him my fears but he has insisted that he would let it happen if I approached him and told him I want to be done.  I don't believe him. He is very emotionally dependent on me and taking that away would infuriate him.  But I do believe there is some damage there.  

Another way that I feel bad about is our transportation situation.  Right now we share a car (mine) but before that we shared his car.  I was driving it (returning his car to him after a night out, I was the DD and drove myself home).  I got pulled over and the car towed because his registration was outdated and incorrect.  We lost the car because he couldn't register it because of back child support... . they seized his title.  Also, he has unpaid fees from an OWI before he met me so his license is suspended till he pays them.  He blames me for losing his car because I was driving.  He has held this over my head for over a year, saying I owe him.  I realize that what happened is the consequence of his actions/inactions but I still feel guilty that it happened on my watch.  

I know that I need to step away from the situation and get some clarity.  Being away from his manipulations and guilt trips will, I'm sure, help me see things clearly, get me out of the FOG.  

I guess what i'm asking is, putting all this into consideration, along with the things that he's done... . should I feel bad for leaving him when he is unaware and without transportation?  I don't feel there is much of an alternative but I don't want to leave him more damaged then when I found him.  

[Madison66]

WrennyJen,

I feel for you and your tough situation.  There are no easy answers here, so I'll respond with questions that my support network asked me about my feelings surrounding my 3 year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  

You state that he "damaged me emotionally, physically and financially".  There is no question why you left the r/s several times.  The question is why did you go back?  Your ex or stb ex most likely had abandonment issues going into your r/s.  You are not responsible for that or for his feelings.  He has abused you and it sounds like you are potentially taking responsibility for his horrible actions.  You left for survival and now, just like I'm doing, have to understand what contributed to you going back to the abuse.  The other thing here is that it sounds like he is using your escapes as emotional blackmail/abuse against you.  I remember dealing with this as I left my ex three times in the last year of our r/s.  She said the same thing to me that I damaged her trust by leaving.  In true abuser fashion, she never took any ownership in the actions that caused me to flee.  My T has helped me understand the abuse cycle and is working with me to understand why I went back to it.  I can only suggest for you to get into counseling of some sort.  Things can spiral quickly, so please protect yourself.  You don't have to tell him what you are going to do if you fear for your safety.

The car issue is another form of emotional abuse/blackmail where he is punishing you for him not registering his vehicle.  You should absolutely not take responsibility for this.  Period.  End of story!

I say this with all the compassion in the world - walk away from this r/s, close the door for good and start focusing on yourself.  His demons don't have to be your demons.  His abuse does not have to be yours to endure.  His irresponsibility does not have to be yours to clean-up or feel responsible for.  Run, don't walk and close the door... .

[fromheeltoheal]

I know that I need to step away from the situation and get some clarity.  Being away from his manipulations and guilt trips will, I'm sure, help me see things clearly, get me out of the FOG.  

Yep, exactly.  With an abuser working on your psyche for a while, you have been programmed to take responsibility and blame that may not be yours.  Like you said, removing him from your life will give you an immediate sense of relief, you've probably felt that before, and with time, we're talking many months, you will be able to look at the situation more clearly and objectively, and if you feel guilty about something at that point, then you can act accordingly.

And like Madison said, the fact you left is not the issue, the fact you went back is, and figuring out your motivations for that can be very enlightening as you detach, heal, and move forward with your life.

Take care a you!

[santa]

Not responsible at all.

The guy is mentally disturbed.

You did the best you could, but you can't help these BPDs.