I don't want to talk about the past. We should start where we are right now.

[Confusedadult]

Ok,

I have been talking to my BPD mother for about 3 months, after a 4 year NC period.   At first I would make it a point to try and call her twice a week, but after the first couple of weeks of her "chummy times", she started bringing up past events again and in not so many words, asking me to corroborate her bs.

She has brought up past abuse and how we need to "clarify" ect... . ect... .  Or she will say "I wish we could go back to the days we were a happy family again."  Or "We've all grown, I think our family could be so happy again... . "  

Now... .  Let me be clear.  I would never, ever wish to go back to my life at home with her.  I would also probably never move to within 500 miles of her again.  I have forgiven her for her past abuse, neglect, ect... . I keep a safe distance for my own mental health and safety.

I refuse to tell her it didn't happen.  Though, when faced with this on the phone, I find myself changing the subject, being quiet or finding a way to end the call.  

I guess I don't know how to respond to this.  I don't want to rehash everything.  I don't want to talk about any of it.  I've told her on numerous occasions that I don't want to talk about the past and that we should start where we are right now.

What do I say to this stuff?  

[GeekyGirl]

Though, when faced with this on the phone, I find myself changing the subject, being quiet or finding a way to end the call. 

I think that's appropriate. What you're doing is setting some limits with your mother, which can help you stay comfortable.

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence this is a good primer on boundaries, which is something that we have to get comfortable with, as children of BPD parents. You're already setting some boundaries around conversation; what else would make you comfortable in your relationship with your mother?

[Tayto]

What feelings do you get when you talk about the past with your mother. How does it make you feel Inside. What memories does it bring back ?

[an0ught]

Hi Confusedadult,

I guess I don't know how to respond to this.  I don't want to rehash everything.  I don't want to talk about any of it.  I've told her on numerous occasions that I don't want to talk about the past and that we should start where we are right now.

What do I say to this stuff? 

1. you don't have to say anything. Someone is pushing you in a rude manner and you don't have to be polite. Not saying anything can be an option.

2. likely 1. will lead to escalation as she will just pretend not to be heard and makes sure you heard. An alternative is SET

  S: Let me explain

  E: you want to talk about the past - it is very much on your mind. You will not understand this:

  T: For me the past is past and I will not discuss this with you.

3. boundaries - see GeekyGirl's link. Talk to her another day. Her problem that she can not let go.

[Confusedadult]

Thank you for your link Geekygirl.  I am reading through it now.

Tayto-

In almost every attempt of hers to talk with me about these things, she will give me a moment to speak before becoming enraged/condescending/mocking/or even physically abusive.  If I do not agree with her, things often escalate and she stops speaking to me for awhile.  I feel upset because instead of wanting to talk to me, to understand the hurt her behavior has brought to my life, she actually just wants to talk about it to attempt to convince me that these things never happened, to make herself feel better - which I will not allow her to do anymore. 

I feel frustrated that she is still trying to pull the wool over my eyes, instead of really caring about how she's affected me.  I don't even expect her to care.  I understand that she may not even be capable of that.  I just want to have a relationship now, as an adult with boundaries who CAN protect myself from her. I think it would make her feel better if I told her she was a great mother and that I had a great childhood.  I think its easier for her to aim for that than to accept what she has done in the past.

When she brings these things up, I get pretty angry/defensive, I'm deeply introverted, so these feelings usually invoke silence on my part.  I begin to remember times I've been physically abused, humiliated, torn down by her in past discussions involving the same subject. 

I guess I just can't understand why, when given the opportunity to let it live in the past, she wants to re visit the terrible things she's done. 

[Confusedadult]

Thank you AnOught.  I have recently come across SET.  Still struggling with being compassionately assertive, but I am working hard at it.

[Tayto]

My mother spent 43 years with a man who beat us daily and her being BPD she had her own mix of madness. I know with my own mother if she was to look back and accept she was a horrible mother this would destroy her as her own mother said she was a useless mother.

Sometimes it's easier to deny the wrongs done than to face something that you hate about yourself.

[donniesgrrl]

I also Have this issue with my uBPD mom.  She wants to know where we stand, talk about what happened, all the things " I have been going through this last year and a half" (she is convinced that my VLC with her is due to a mid life crisis, I am 32 btw LOL) when I confronted her about the Abuse the one time that I did, she refused to believe it, saying things like I would have taken you to the doctor if I that happened, and completely devaluing my memories.  I then realized that all that is important is for me to accept what happened and move on. 

That I needed nothing from her really, because all confronting the issues again would do was allow her to denigrate my feelings, and memories. 

With that being said, she still wants to know where we stand etc.  When I am no longer hugely pregnant and about to deliver any day, I will tell her I am more than happy to move on but I will not be rehashing anything in the past, nor will I be telling her anything that I have gone through.  It will only open the door to her hurting me again, and for me to relive all the times she tried to gaslight me and make me feel like I was the crazy one because she was SUCH a GOOD mother LOL.  I know my truth and I accept my child hood for what it is.  I have moved on and am healing. 

In regards to your mom, I agree with using S.E.T. if she refuses to move on, than that is a her problem not a you problem.  You do not "owe" her anything by allowing her to make herself feel better by rehashing her reality to you over and over again, creating the same self doubt you probably felt all of your life.  My Mother is so good at this you don't even know she is doing it.  She has no recollection of how awful things were at times, and I now know that trying to make her realize it is pointless.  My DH's favorite phrase when it comes to dealing with my mom is "I reject your reality and Interject my own".

The BPD allows them to create their own reality to protect themselves from ever feeling the crushing self doubt and pain that they worked so hard to stuff inside.  My Mom even goes as far as to protect her horribly abusive father even though he has been dead for 15 years.  She says things like he wasn't so bad, he had a rough life.  Because if she were to admit that he was an abusive SOB and beat her and my Aunt daily she would have to accept that maybe something wasn't right with her. 

I have become very compassionate towards my mom in some ways.  I realize that she is so incredibly broken that there is no coming back from it.  That is how I handle her, I treat her with kid gloves when we do talk, and I Deflect as much as possible.  I avoid lengthy conversations and do what I need to do to protect my own boundaries but in the most compassionate way possible.  She is my Mother and I love her, but My relationship with her will never be normal, nor will it be safe. 

[AsianSon]

Thank you for your link Geekygirl.  I am reading through it now.

Tayto-

In almost every attempt of hers to talk with me about these things, she will give me a moment to speak before becoming enraged/condescending/mocking/or even physically abusive.  If I do not agree with her, things often escalate and she stops speaking to me for awhile.  I feel upset because instead of wanting to talk to me, to understand the hurt her behavior has brought to my life, she actually just wants to talk about it to attempt to convince me that these things never happened, to make herself feel better - which I will not allow her to do anymore. 

I feel frustrated that she is still trying to pull the wool over my eyes, instead of really caring about how she's affected me.  I don't even expect her to care.  I understand that she may not even be capable of that.  I just want to have a relationship now, as an adult with boundaries who CAN protect myself from her. I think it would make her feel better if I told her she was a great mother and that I had a great childhood.  I think its easier for her to aim for that than to accept what she has done in the past.

When she brings these things up, I get pretty angry/defensive, I'm deeply introverted, so these feelings usually invoke silence on my part.  I begin to remember times I've been physically abused, humiliated, torn down by her in past discussions involving the same subject. 

I guess I just can't understand why, when given the opportunity to let it live in the past, she wants to re visit the terrible things she's done. 

Confusedadult,

Maybe the boundary that is needed here is that you are living your life in the present and oriented toward the future.  Kind of a progress into the future mindset.  So revisiting the past (real or imaginary) is not your interest. 

Perhaps you can add that your mom is welcome to join you in making the present and the future positive.  But revisiting the past does not advance your goals. 

I use this boundary with my uBPD mom and indicate that it means that I will not revisit the past with her.  So if she does not stop, then communication will end unless we move onto something else.